Gym Ninja

Ninja Potter & The Philosophers Gym

2011-01-07T21:30:00.000+01:00

Happy 2011 Ninjarettes.

Gym Ninja has actually written up TWO blog posts so far this year, and yet neither have been published, as all New Year Blogs on fitness tend to be much of a muchness. All 'what makes you think you will succeed this year', 'start as you mean to go on', and 'tricks to stay on track'. All very worthwhile of course, but Gym Ninja got bored of her own ramblings, so will instead dress up the same old fitness New Year message in a more recognisable format....and yes, perhaps it is based loosely on Harry Potter. What of it......? Ahem.

Ninja Potter & The Philosophers Gym.

2011 sees the start of a new term for Ninja Potter at Gymwarts, the place dedicated to training up eager new Gym Newbies, as well as the older more established Gym Goers. This is where the magic begins.

Welcome to Gymwarts.

Gymwarts is where the eager Gym Newbies learn how to work their bodies. This is where they learn that exercise CAN become a regular part of their lives in the same way that beer & wine managed to sneak it's way in as a regular habit also.

The First Semester Lesson timetable for the Gym Newbie will often contain the following:

Gym Induction

This introduces the Gym Newbie to the magical environment that is the gym. The scared, big-eyed Newbie will stand agog at the high ceilings and weird, scary looking machinery inside Gymwarts. Their Gym Tutor will sooth the Gym Newbie, take them into a small cupboardesque room, tell them not to feel apprehensive or scared...and then cast a spell* over them, freaking the Gym Newbie out by pinching and measuring and weighing the last ounce of confidence out of them before revealing 'as if by magic' just how terribly unfit and close to death they really are.

*This spell is known as : Humilio Immobulus

Cardio Spell Casting Class

Moving stairs? That'll be the Stairmaster, a bewitched piece of kit that mimics the kind of steep escalator you find at tube stations and other torturous places. There may only appear to be 5 steps, however the magic you discover creates a never ending hell of stairs that keep coming back again and again, until it magically transforms* it's victim either into a God with glutes of iron, OR...a watery puddle of a person.

*This spell is known as: Glutea Mortis

Magical ability to run yet stay levitating in the same place? That'll be the treadmill. Newbies must learn that although this kit can create some magic, it is no the all-singing-all-dancing-all-powerful magical piece of equipment that allows them to potter about on it at 1 mph and expect to morph into a Gym Nymph! The side effect of casting a Treadmill based spell* is a redness in the facial area.

*This spell is known as Pinkicheek Confundus

Muscle Magic Class

A very fast acting type of spell casting. The spells learned here can reshape the body drastically* if done correctly. However if done incorrectly** they can become rather dangerous and cause damage, muscle imbalance, odd looking physique due to lack of symmetry and also pulls and strains of the muscles. Here you will learn how to use the magical dumbbells and barbells correctly, learn how to ride a weights bench and memorise the variations of sets and reps that can change the spell cast from one of endurance, to hypertrophy or power.

*This spell is known as Torso Transformis Beautifico

**This spell is known as Symmetry Stupify

You will also be taught the magic of rest.* How to avoid over training and smoothing over that defined muscle (too much is as bad as too little) & how to switch things up every so often to avoid plateau**

*This spell is known as Muscle Repairo

**This spell is known as Plateau Expelliarmus

You will also be taught which spells are classed as bad magic. On this list appear the following:

Musclestrain Immobulus

Crucio Hurtus

Faffy Engorgio

Stretch Casting

Ahh, the stretch class that everyone at Gymwarts usually thinks is the easy option and the class to skive! WRONG! This is a really important part of the magic you learn. Without it you will fall foul of being on the receiving end of the following spell:

Torso Petrificus

This spell renders you immobile or at the very least, walking like an ex rodeo bull rider. Stretch Casting is vital. It keeps the muscles limber, the joints mobile and kick starts the repair process. Repair of muscles damaged whilst exercising is vital for change and progress!

OK so that is enough from Gymwarts for the time being. Story Time is coming to an end.

However, just before Gym Ninja goes, she has a few New Year money saving treats for you all. Yes she does! How kind of her huh?

Maximuscle are doing a new ' 30 Day Challenge' and this time it isn't The Cyclone Challenge. Oh no!
It is the Lean Mean defined Challenge, or 'The New Body Challenge' as they call it! See their website for more details here at

www.maximuscle.com

They are also offering up various reduced price bundles.

The Lean Definition Bundles.
Weight Loss Pack 1 is an example here (there are plenty of other bundles though) should usually cost you £157.96 but up until the beginning of February you can grab it for £99 with FREE delivery.
http://www.awin1.com/cread.php?awinmid=1495&awinaffid=99870&clickref=&p=http://www.maximuscle.com/promotions2010/weightlossoffers.html

There are Size & Strength Bundles.
Progain Extreme Starter Pack is the example here that usually costs £112.95 that you can buy for just £1.99, again with FREE Delivery.
http://www.awin1.com/cread.php?awinmid=1495&awinaffid=99870&clickref=&p=http://www.maximuscle.com/promotions2010/musclebuildingoffers.html

Finally there are a High Protein Bundles.
Promax Starter Pack is the example here that is normally £74.96 but you can grab it for £49.99 again with FREE delivery.
http://www.awin1.com/cread.php?awinmid=1495&awinaffid=99870&clickref=&p=http://www.maximuscle.com/promotions2010/highproteinoffers.html

So go have a rummage and start the magic with some quality supplements to support your nutrition & training goals.

Gym Ninja x

Supermarket Chaos Part 3.

2010-12-26T18:07:00.000+01:00

SUPERMARKET CHAOS PART 3

Welcome back. We are here, in the Frozen foods aisle where you left us last. Looking for sausage rolls, cocktail sausages and all of that calorie dense yet nutrient light cack, remember?............

Doors of the huge chiller cabinets open and close in a ripple-type effect, like a freezer version of a Mexican Wave, as shoppers plunge their arms in and haul out their 'catch.’ Sausage rolls, Thin Crisp/Deep Pan/Stuffed Crust Pizzas by the box load, Turkey Twizzlers, Chicken Nuggets, Burgers, chunky/chip shop style/thin cut/crinkle cut chips, Pork pies...your head starts to spin. Everyone is stocking up. Maybe YOU need to stock up too? Maybe they all know something you don't, like that this is the last delivery to the store, or impending bad weather in the next few days? Maybe you need these things too? Yeah they weren't strictly on the list, but....

Having emptied out more than enough 'saturated fat in a box' to give an elephant furred arteries into your trolley, you move on to the jewel of the frozen freezer section.....DESSERTS!!!!!. Hell, it's Christmas so we all plan on treating ourselves, even super-strict Gym Ninja. Your eyes widen as you stare at the edible porn in front of you. Gâteaux, Cheesecake, Ben & Jerrys, Walls Vienetta (HAVE to-it's Christmas) Neapolitan ice cream (even though no one likes the chocolate part because for some reason it's the worst chocolate ice cream ever)...in they all go. Oh, and a box of frozen summer fruit berries as you need those for your smoothies. You put that on the top of the pile to try and cover up the deep pan pizza, the huge stack of Miniature Heros and a cheesecake. If you squint, your trolley seems almost healthy.

Onwards and upwards to the cakes. Who has time to bake mince pies? Not you! Not with all that eating to do. You take a few boxes 'for visitors', plus chuck in a Chocolate Log, a Gingerbread house you build yourself, Christmas Pudding as your other half likes that, Christmas cake...in fact anything edible with a holly motif on it goes in to the buckling trolley that you now HEAVE through the refrigerator area, knocking in 10 udders of milk, (skimmed, ironically seeing as what else is in the trolley), a few yoghurts, some freshly made chilled custard, double cream, single cream, whipped cream...all of the creams as you pass....WAIT! Baileys Irish Cream!!!!!! You nearly forgot! THAT was on your list surely?

*Woosh*

You're now in the booze aisle. It's packed solid down here as men drag huge crates of lager into trolleys. There is a constant clanging of bottles with their mini satellite dish style theft-proof alarms attached, as people pile it high. You need Baileys..Baileys....hmmm. There is a choice now? Coffee? Mint? Orange? Standard? You've never been good with decisions so best buy 2 of the 4 just in case. Of course the 'visitors' (aka Gannets by now as you've already bought loads for them!) will need red/white/rose wine. Beer, of course. Bitter and lager. Just in case remember! Champagne for the New Year and maybe Bucks Fizz on Christmas Morning? That's OK as it has Orange Juice in it and that's 1 of your 5 a day....Of course, Uncle Jack likes his rum and Doris from next door but one is partial to some Sherry at this time of year and she always pops in for a mince pie....

You continue like this until there is no room whatsoever left in the trolley, before the backtracking half way down the store aisles to join a checkout queue 3 miles long. You eye up others trolleys nervously for signs of things you may have forgotten. You technically have enough food in there to necessitate never shopping again all month. All for a week of festivities..................................

So, does any of this sound remotely familiar? Even maybe a little bit? We are all guilty of excess over Christmas. In some ways it can be good to have what is often termed as a 're-feed' to shock the body out of thinking it is in partial-starvation/severe deficit and rev up the metabolism again. If you factor this in as a planned re-feed then a few days won't do too much damage, as long as you get back on track as soon as you can. The 'danger' is, that you suddenly think, "Ahh, I've blown the healthy eating thing so may as well carry on now that the damage is done". Before you know it, you're eating way past the calorie amount required, your processed food intake has increased, as has the salt, saturated fats etc that tend to go hand in hand with this kind of stuff. You feel sluggish so pick at food to give yourself energy. You make excuses not to go to the gym between Christmas and New Year, and then BAM! It's New Year, resolutions and OMG none of your clothes fit you any more! Oh and no, they didn’t shrink in the wash ok?

So what can you do?

Damage limitation is the key here rather than all-out avoidance. It'd be a miserable Christmas if you didn't even sway from your strict nutrition plan.

1. DO try and take in that pre-planned shopping list with you. DO NOT leave it in the car!

2. Standard advice but so true-shop on a FULL stomach so you are not tempted!

3. Try and buy organic when you can. You will be needing the nutrients to balance out the dodgy stuff you will be eating.

4. Always read and compare the packaging for nutritional values when buying things you don't usually buy. Not all sausage rolls are created equal.

5. Reseach online for lighter versions of traditional dishes and then consider baking them yourself?

6. Do not buy the biggest of everything. You may see it as 'economical' but it's not economical if you end up having to buy a whole wardrobe of new clothing as you cannot fit into your standard stuff is it?

7. Do not be afraid of THROWING things away. It is not the law that you must finish every last sweet in the tin. Give them away if that makes you feel better. Eating them all will mean wearing them!!!!

8. Enjoy yourself, but then try and get back on track as soon as you can. No need to wait until a Monday to start afresh is there?

OK, that is Gym Ninja's epic 3-part post. She hopes it has made you chuckle, but also reminded you that you can be healthy at Christmas.

Until next time

Gym Ninja x

Supermarket Chaos Part 2:

2010-12-22T21:06:00.000+01:00

Back with Gym Ninja to follow up the next (recycled) stage of the Christmas supermarket shopping nightmare eh? Good. Pleased to see you again....so where were we? Yep-moving on to a new part of the supermarket .........

.....You soon find yourself heading down the tinned meat aisle. It's a rarity for you to be in this section, what with you being into healthy eating and all, so you start to feel a bit 'out of your depth.’ It all seems strange and new down this aisle. The people here are distinctly larger and have trolleys piled high with processed foods, 3 or 4 bottles of frying oil, bottles and bottles of full strength soft drinks plus 5 tins of Quality Street. Yet now...now you too are here. Spam Aisle! Uh oh. You stare at the strange artifacts. Tinned Spam. Tinned processed meats contain Sodium Nitrate...in small doses it is used to prevent growth of bacteria, yet in high doses, it can be toxic for humans. In fact, if the sodium nitrate in meats is subjected to high temperatures this forms carcinogenic nitrosamines...oh, and these are NOT good. Quick. Get OUT of Spam Aisle! For God's sake, save yourself! GET OUT!!!!!!!!

You rapidly turn a corner, crashing into another trolley, then head to the condiments section. You're safer here, the Spam cannot get to you .... You browse for quality oils for cooking, spray oil for keeping calories down, plus herbs and spices that you need for all of your fancy cooking over Christmas. Before you know it, you're heading to the tinfoil section. BIG tinfoil roll. HUGE. That's what you need. You have to be able to wrap the outside of your house in foil should you need to. You pick up a roll of foil that is wider than your door frames at home. Yep. That'll do it. You can always open both of the French Windows at home to get the roll into the house. Chuck in some freezer bags plus greaseproof paper and you're done here.

But now what happens? You've been relatively conservative so far, sticking mostly to the healthy list (with a few treats) that you are recalling through sheer memory power thanks to

having left it in the car. Yet you get the sneaking feeling that this is not enough. You are surrounded by heaving trolleys of food. Piled high to a mountainous peak. You can see boxes of Roses Chocolates peeping out at jaunty angles. Miniature Heros taunt you. Hmm, maybe you need some of those as 'emergency gifts’; just in case someone drops in with a present that's unexpected? Damn those Miniature Heros. Full sized heros you can cope with, but when miniaturized you then run the risk of being able to 'justify' eating one or five. STOP IT! Clear your head of the thought right this instant. But no..you can't...they are everywhere you look, like an obligatory part of the supermarket trolley. Plus you like feeling a bit like a giant when eating the teeny chocolates.....

'Oooh, look at the teeny Mars Bar in my hand. I am a giant and I can eat it with one bite!'

SO WHAT? Gym Ninja, back in her Fat Kid Days, used to be able to eat a proper sized Mars Bar in one bite! This is how she became Fat Ninja! Yet you do not listen to Gym Ninja's warning. You head directly for the Chocolate and Confectionary Aisle like a heat seeking missile. You are chanting in your head 'It's just because it's Christmas, it's just because it's Christmas' in an attempt to justify why you suddenly need chocolates in your trolley.

You stop.... Suddenly.

You are here.

In Paradise.

You stand in front of shelves of varying Selection Boxes, sweets, tins of chocolates, boxes of chocolates and other variations on the theme. You eyeball the Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. Mmmm, you never eat Terry's Chocolate Orange unless it is Christmas, therefore you justify that it is actually a 'tradition' rather than being naughty. In go 3 of them. But wait. You were here purely for emergency gift purposes remember? You scoop up 2 boxes of Miniature Heros. You look at the Roses. Hmm, best get two of those as well, as not everyone likes Miniature Heros. AHHHR, Celebrations! You need those too.

*Clunk*.

Your trolley has oodles of boxes of chocolates in it now. AHHR! Quality Street! Now THAT is a tradition. Best get the humungous tin as you can reuse that (you never do, but you can, so that's why you buy the bigger tin ok?). Oh wait? What happens if someone visits who does not eat chocolates? Well you'd be a bad host if you didn't lob in a tub or three of Haribo Tangfastics now wouldn't you? You turn round quickly, only to spot a family with a convoy of trolleys one after the other piled high. One trolley is just not enough for this time of year. You spot the Pringles in their trolleys! PRINGLES!!!!!!!! Lordy you nearly forgot. I'm sure they were on the list no? Just as one of the treats? Ahem.

*Zoom*

Like a heat-seeking missile you are heading to the Crisps Section. The 'healthy eating with a few treats' list is a distant memory. CRISPS! You'd be better off eating chips you know. But you know that don't you, yet here you are, stopping to knock a few tubes of Pringles into your trolley, you grab some Twiglets (as Christmassy as Santa himself surely, ahem). You also need one or two of those pre-packed party snacks of various shaped Twiglet-themed crispy thingies. LOADED with salt and saturated fats but you don't care anymore. Hell, they don't even taste nice, but you have them on the table when people come round for drinks. It's 'expected.’ You are in a Supermarket Frenzy! Your eyes are glazed as you

bump trolleys with other shoppers reaching for Cheesy Wotsits. COCKTAIL SAUSAGES AND MINI SAUSAGE ROLLS! OMG you so should have gone to Iceland for those!!!!!!!!!! Quick! The freezer cabinets!!!!!!!!!!!!!

..........OK...and breathe. That is more than enough for one day. You can see how this trip is hurtling into an 'off the rails' moment. More tomorrow....

Recycle Ninja: Supermarket Chaos Part 1

2010-12-21T12:47:00.000+01:00

Listen up. This is the only way Gym Ninja will have time to provide a Blog Post. Apologies to those who read it last year, but you can re-read it and still enjoy it you know! One of Gym Ninja's pet hates is how chaotic supermarkets get over the festive season, so this is a 3 part blog post helping you all 'recreate' that supermarket chaos.................

Supermarket Chaos PART 1....

Do you know how to beat the Christmas queues?

Head to the gym!

The gym is the ONLY place you will not have to queue this week. The gym is desolate in the run up to Christmas. An odd situation that always surprises Gym Ninja. After all, it is the party season, major indulgences are ahead, party dresses need to be squeezed into and yet, the gym is empty? Don't get her wrong. Gym Ninja loves a quiet gym for purely selfish reasons. It means that her workouts this week have not taken as much time as usual due to the availability of equipment, nor having to change what was planned because someone is using the dumbbells...grr.

Hmmm, maybe the last minute planning, food shopping, gift buying and partying take up too much time in the busy lives of everyone? There is never enough time. It is also truly amazing as to how much time is spent in the supermarket on the run up to Christmas. Think about it. The supermarkets are closed two whole days. Two days. Not a week. Not a month. Two days. Have a look in your cupboards and freezer now? You have more than enough in there to keep you going until Spring. You're not going to keel over and die if you don't stock up, yet every year we all find ourselves queueing down the aisles for hours to buy an overloaded trolleys worth of stuff....allow Gym Ninja to talk you through a typical Christmas supermarket shop and see if it rings any bells....??

You: "I'm not going to overdo it like last year. I'm going to keep things simple and not go crazy. I threw out most of the stuff I bought last Christmas so it was such a waste! Plus, I need to stay on my healthy eating plan anyway. Yes, that's it! Just the basics with maybe a couple of treats. Yep. Oh and I'll not go at the busy times like last year. No, I'll head to the supermarket first thing/last thing to avoid the rush (delete as appropriate)."

You pack your ‘Bag for Life’ x 18 (well, you usually forget to pack them and end up having to buy a new one at the till so you have a bit of a backlog now!) in the boot of the car, and set out super early/super late to the local supermarket to beat the queues, with your basic shopping list sat on the car seat next to you.

You pull into the car park......CHAOS! Everyone and his dog has decided to avoid the busy times and the car park is now rammed! People are throwing themselves in front of your car with a supermarket trolley as a battering ram whilst you search for a parking space. You see one. Lordy, there is a space! FANTASTIC! You go to pull in and.....ahhhhr SMALL car! Small cars should not be allowed to park at Christmas with their evil 'this space is empty' trick that they do. You are now trapped between a conga line of shoppers and a pensioner reversing into a parking space 'to save time.’ How reversing into a space ever saves time Gym Ninja does not know? You have to reverse either in or out at some point so it defeats the object surely? You carry on...there are no spaces and you are being wafted by a 'Car Park Attendant' in a high viz yellow jacket towards that far part of the car park you've only ever seen from a distance. You may need a trail of breadcrumbs to find your way back to the car it is that far away from the store. Surely no one has ever been in this part of the car park other than skateboarding teenagers with bottles of cider? Ooh, that's a thought-maybe some cider, seeing as it's Christmas....?

You drag the 18 Bags For Life out of the car and head towards the speck in the distance that is the supermarket. You can already see there is a shortage of trolleys so grab the nearest abandoned one on route. You feel smug that you have a trolley. Within 5 minutes you feel cursed as you have a trolley with a wheel-defect......clunk clunk clunk.....

Once in store you are overwhelmed by a blast of heat, then physically rammed by 4 shoppers from different directions. No room for dithering in the supermarket today! Think fast, move fast. You pass the display of Poinsettias. Hmm, do you want one? It IS seasonal after all no? They are only £1.99. You pick up a Poinsettia and put it in your trolley. 4 leaves fall off it immediately. Stupid plant. You head towards the Fruit & Veg. Good. Healthy eating is the plan remember?

In the Fruit & Veg section you brace yourself and reach for your shopping list. Basics plus a few treats remember? The list....the list...hmmm....where is the list? Bugger! The list is still on the seat of the car. AHHHR! OK, so no big deal. You can remember what was on the list, right? You head towards the broccoli. You have to fight a burly pensioner and a bad tempered mum of 3 for a few heads of broccoli that are more stalk and less head. Aha....SPROUTS! You hate sprouts but they are Christmassy so you technically need them. You have to boil them into a sludgy lump that smells of farts or it is not a proper Christmas. You then move on to the carrots where everyone is fighting for the biggest carrots they can find. Ladies! Will you NEVER learn that bigger is not always better? Talking of such things, you soon find yourself heading over to the nuts. Some things never change eh? This was on your list surely? After all, you need nuts at Christmas to fill up the teeny tiny small spaces left in your stomach after the main meal...you cannot possibly leave any gaps in your stomach on Christmas Day....’tis the law.

With nuts and various selections of fruit and veg placed into the trolley, you accidentally bang into a few pallets of potatoes and head towards the main part of the supermarket. You run the gauntlet of Husbands wearily slumped over the trolley as their Wives pile ‘em high. You narrowly avoid children running amok through the store whilst their parents ignore them. Far worse is when the child is put in charge of the trolley to keep them ‘interested.’ Yeah, well it MAY keep them interested but it just lost you your big toe as the child has yet to learn the dimensions and controls of their trolley. Grr. You decide to be 'efficient' and park your trolley at the bottom of each aisle as you dash up and down them to gather up what you need. Basics, basics, basics.....Ok so that's tinned tomatoes and tomato puree for adding to stuff, flour for baking, a low fat spray to keep the calories low as you cook. You feel smug at this! SMUG! See? Your healthy eating is SO on track this year. You head towards the chiller section......

It's cold!

You do an audible "brrrr" you only ever do in supermarket chiller sections as you clang your trolley against 5 others who are congregated around the turkeys. The turkey area looks like a whole rack of mooning bottoms, and you are now part of the vast crowd staring back at them. Cue much prodding of turkeys, then feeling slightly pervy at prodding the turkeys as it feels ‘a bit funny,’ then not actually knowing why you are prodding them? What you DO know is that you wanted that one that the lady in the red coat has just picked up. Grrrr! Stressed! You settle for a huge turkey the size of next door's dog, and heave it into the trolley. You notice that the turkey also has goosebumps. Or should that be turkey-bumps? Anyhow, this pondering is not helping so you start to maneuver the trolley towards the sausages. It's one big innuendo this shopping trip so far. You need the sausages for many many reasons. Mostly because it just wouldn't be Christmas without rolls of reconstituted nostrils, testicles, ears and nipples (aka sausages-can you tell Gym Ninja is not a fan??) to munch on. This supermarket shop is now in Frankie Howerd territory!

CHEESE!!!

Surely you added cheese on your list? You remember you had added one....but look? Look at the pretty cheeses. Thousands of them. All different colours, with fancy names, italic lettered labels, oh and the ones in the cute boxes. They look fun. Oooh, and the one that smells of rotting feet. Ah, now you probably meant to add that to the list no? Plus you need the round one. Your Uncle likes the one that has blue bits of mould running through it that contaminates anything within a 5 mile radius so that needs to be bought. Hmm, best to add 7 or 8 cheeses to the trolley 'just in case'.......*clunk* goes the ton of cheese that hits the bottom of the trolley, squashing the broccoli as it falls.

Sound familiar so far......? Yep. Thought so.....! Well, it is getting a tad long this blog so Gym Ninja has chopped it up for easy bite sized (low cal of course) blog chunks, so be sure to report back tomorrow for your next stage of the Great Christmas Supermarket Shop.......tomorrow we leave the chiller section for pastures new...!

Spintastic Ninja

2010-12-11T15:30:00.000+01:00

RUBBISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gym Ninja is rubbish at blogging isn't she? Pfft! Have you even returned? HAVE YOU?

Well Gym Ninja has a backlog of gym fodder for you, starting with.....oh ok, your favourite type of blog. A SPIN blog!

*cue cheers from the few of you who have bothered to turn up*

Gym Ninja did two spin sessions on two consecutive days. The typical Saturday Session was a long hard painful ride, reminiscent of a guy Gym Ninja once dated: Boring, uncomfortable and carried on far too long leaving Gym Ninja with painful nether regions...... so the next day Gym Ninja was determined to select a different bike.

Dangly came in and watched Gym Ninja faffing with bikes.

"You do realise the seats are different shapes" He said, a smug look on his face.

Gym Ninja stared at the seats. She was unaware of this. True to what Dangly said, there were indeed two distinctly different shapes of seats. One seat was smooth, and the other had a small channel down the middle.

"That'll be for guys" Said Dangly, pointing at the channel.

Gym Ninja looked blank...and then twigged.
Oh God yeh, ahem, right.

"I see" Replied Gym Ninja, keen not to take that chat any further. "Right, I'd best get a smooth saddle, what with being a girl and all..."

But no.

Dangly didn't want to let it lie.

"You know WHY it's got that groove in it don't you?" He questioned.

"Yep, yeh no need to go into detail as I know how it works now!" retorted Gym Ninja as she rapidly unscrewed the seat with the ravine in it and replaced it with a smooth seat.

"It's for the BALL SACK!" At this, Dangly beamed.

Oh. Dear. God.

Gym Ninja winced. It was a Sunday. No need to talk ball sacks with Dangly Earring man.

But would he let it go? No. Like a dog with a bone.
"They kind of rest their ball sack in the gap, so it doesn't get all squashed. Obviously you women don't have those so you don't need them".

NO NO NO NO NO!

NO Biology lesson from Dangly please. How terribly awkward. Did Dangly think Gym Ninja was unaware of the difference between male and females or was Dangly actually double checking?

Right..........and so the class began and Gym Ninja, having fatigued herself doing a corker of a session the day before, found the class a tad more challenging and started to flag in the last 15 mins. The Aircon wasn't working and the whole room was sodden with other people's sweat. Gym Ninja's sweat too of course, but this is ok as she is used to it. By minute 45 Gym Ninja looked as if she'd been for a swim.

The Instructor was about to start a track to run to. That's when you stand and sprint fast and have seated rest intervals. TORTURE!

"Who's finding it hot?" She shouted.

Gym Ninja made a hot sounding noise, obviously, and the Instructor looked over.

"Here, you are always getting too hot. Come up here on the podium and use my bike. YOU can take us for run intervals"

WHAAAAAAAT?

Everyone turned around and started to nod. Oh great, Just as Gym Ninja had planned to take it easy, she would now have to climb up onto a spotlit platform in front of everyone else and lead the sprints, which of course meant extra effort. Gym Ninja sloped towards the podium...never one to miss an opportunity to make a bad situation worse, Gym Ninja decided to make the most of it.

"I'm available to hire you know, as a freelance Personal Trainer!"

"Do you want to wear the head mic?" Asked Instructor. Gym Ninja looked at the battery powered mic and felt how sodden her hair was. Hmm, best not otherwise death via electrocution was a distinct possibility.

Thus began the world's longest track..or so it seemed? Gym Ninja sprinted far longer and harder than she ever had done before, and so the class copied. Oops. Gym Ninja forgot they were copying her! By the time the track ended the class were almost dead.

At the end of the session Gym Ninja got a nice round of applause that appeased her ego (ahem) & after the cool down Gym Ninja walked across the Gym with Dangly.

"You did well" He said, begrudgingly. You have to love someone so negative all the time. But no, he wasn't about to be all nicey nice!

"I noticed you didn't want to wear the head mic for fear it'd mess your hair up though!" At this, Dangly smirked.

Gym Ninja looked at Dangly and pointed at her hair, which was by now a total mess and plastered to her head.

"Er, I think you'll find that's NOT why. My hair is already a mess".

Dangly nodded. "Yeh, looks like Furby hair!".

WHAAAAAAT? The cheek of the man!

Gym Ninja then finished off her cool down stretches and headed to the changing rooms, walking past the marathon runner who always mooches around the changing room area in freaky flesh toned underwear that makes her look, from a distance, like a censored pair of breasts (no nipples). Flesh toned underwear. WHY? Unless you are wearing transparent clothing, then is it REALLY needed?????

Short and sweet but at least there IS a blog today! Gym Ninja MUST try harder!!!!

Roller coaster Ninja

2010-11-27T22:25:00.000+01:00

Hi.

Obviously things have been going on, hence the lack of blog posts (again).
Uhh, remember the good old days when Gym Ninja blogged daily? Let us pray those days return as Gym Ninja's head is full of blog fodder ready to spill over into this area of online faffiness.

Thursday saw the return trip to see Vole, the Physio given the task of de-tingling Gym Ninja's arms and hands. The condition (most likely a trapped nerve) was brought on by heavy mileage driving the Blandmobile if you recall?

Vole: "How are you getting on? Any better?"

GN: "No, in fact if anything it's even worse. More tingles that keeps me awake and affect my grip".

Vole looked back, with her non-responsive face.

Vole: "What about the exercises I gave you? Have they helped at all?"

Hmm, now you can all read back to the last post to see what they were. Effectively a bit of faffy stretching and some rubber band work. Of course, if Vole listened properly then surely having heard Gym Ninja's comment about the tingling growing worse, she'd realise that this in turn meant the exercises had not helped whatsoever? Gym Ninja clarified this with Vole. Vole looked glum.

"Oh".

Then followed some physio-waggling of Gym Ninja's arm. Gym Ninja had to say how it felt in certain positions whilst lying on her back like a Muppet. After much waggling, Vole decided it was definitely upper back/neck muscular tightness that was compressing a nerve that was in turn causing tingles. Great. We kind of knew that before we came here.

Gym Ninja was asked to sit on the bed whilst Vole stood behind her. Vole pressed Gym Ninja's neck and traps. At one point Gym Ninja mentioned something to Vole.

"I often press there as it kind of helps relieve the pain or discomfort when it flares up".

Vole continued to press on the trigger point silently as Gym Ninja sat in front of her. Gym Ninja felt as if she were posing for one of those Victorian photos-the ones where you sit/stand in a fixed position for ages whilst the camera takes the shot.

"What I want you to do, is press on this area and when the pain subsides, press a bit deeper, OK?"

Riiiight. So Vole wants Gym Ninja to do what Gym Ninja has already been doing?
Fine.
No problem.

Then Vole waggled and twisted Gym Ninja's arm out to the side, flexing the wrist.

"I often do that when it gets tingly" Said Gym Ninja. "It seems to help".

Vole nodded. Well, Gym Ninja assumes she nodded, as Gym Ninja was sat in front of Vole in the Victorian Photo position.

"OK, so the other exercise I want you to do is this..." And with that, Vole then flexed Gym Ninja's wrist in the EXACT SAME WAY Gym Ninja had already said she already did.

Great.

Phyiso exercises for THIS week are exactly what Gym Ninja told Vole she does anyway, and Vole repeated back to her. Fan. Bloody. Tastic.

Confessional Ninja.

Gym Ninja, has 12 days to a Secret Project, therefore is eating clean with a vengeance. Everything is being focussed onto this project and Gym Ninja's meals and training sessions are super strict to reflect this. Saying that, sometimes the body just refuses to play ball and forces Gym Ninja to fall headlong, face down, into a bag of chocolate buttons.
UHHH!
Why?

Firstly allow Gym Ninja to explain. She rarely eats chocolate and never eats sweets. Gym Ninja cannot eat sweets as it was SUCH a horrendous addiction that she once had, that the only way to recover and wean herself off the sugar and chemical roller coaster was to go cold turkey. No sweets/ Zero tolerance. This happened May 2009. Now Gym Ninja does not crave sweets. The chemical addiction has been broken. But occasionally, if standing near her Niece's chocolate button stash, she is tempted.....
Yeh. Her 3 year old Niece's chocolate buttons. Gym Ninja took chocolate off a child. OK, so not quite OFF the child. The child wasn't aware the chocolate buttons were in the draw at her grandparents' house. Gym Ninja knew of this. Gym Ninja's body demanded she try one...and before GN knew it? GONE!

The trick to handling such a disaster is to draw a line under it, and get right back on track with what one was doing before. THIS is how you succeed. Do not use the chocolate button feast as a trigger to launch you into a day or week-long binge Or use it to stop with the healthy habits completely, declaring yourself a failure. Accept it happened. LOOK at why it may have happened? (Gym Ninja had been particularly stressed that day and was lacking in sleep-two factors that make the body crave instant gratification and energy). Then ensure it doesn't happen again.
It will NOT Happen again. The reward you crave long-term regarding health, fitness and physically how you look and feel, is WAY more rewarding than a 5 minute scoffing of chocolate buttons. Use that focus and move on.

Finally, in this 'erratic' blog post, Gym Ninja would like to tell you all of something wonderful that happened today. It brought more than a few tears to Gym Ninja's eyes & has reminded her that people are truly wonderful and that we often forget it.

A few days ago, Gym Ninja had been on Twitter and posted a tweet asking if anyone had a copy of Lord Sugar's Autobiography she could borrow? The guy is inspirational in terms of how he built his empire out of nothing, how he recovered from major setbacks and pulled himself together and grew stronger because of it. Gym Ninja decided she would learn much from such an inspirational man and as funds are currently dire, borrowing a book would be a sensible option. Today, the Postman attempted to batter down Gym Ninja's front door.

SHUSH Postman! Gym Ninja is not sleeping as she has a major gym session planned. Oh and incidentally, why DO you call 3 hours earlier on a Saturday than a week day? THAT doesn't make sense now does it? Anyhow...the door was buckling under his ham fists. Gym Ninja yanked open the door.

There was a parcel. Oh. GymNinja hadn't ordered a thing? Was it an error? Opening the parcel, Gym Ninja was stunned to see a copy of Lord Sugar's Autobiography.... and a note. The note was from an online client who Gym Ninja has only known via the wonders of email for just under a month. The client had seen the tweet and bought Gym Ninja a copy of the book.

AMAZING!

Truly the nicest thing anyone has done for Gym Ninja for as long as she can recall. Completely out of the blue and such a thoughtful gift. Hopefully Gym Ninja can use Lord Sugar's book to assist her in working towards her own goals, which in turn, are helping others achieve theirs.....

So Gym Ninja is now off to read the book.......

PS

Maximuscle have extended their ever-changing Deal of The Day so you may want to click on a side link and go check out what money you can save today....see? It's all about helping others xx

Physio Ninja

2010-11-19T13:18:00.000+01:00

Yep.

It is true!

Even Gym Ninja requires some help every now and then. Physio!!!!!!

If you cast your mind back you may recall that, thanks to a previous sales role that involved driving the most hideous Blandmobile Company Car for hours at a time across the UK, Gym Ninja ended up with a compressed nerve or two that lead to aching muscles and numb tingly arms/hands. That in itself also landed Gym Ninja in the MD's office and also straight out of the door having been sacked because of it. (Fondant Fancy was the code word remember?) Nice. Cheers. Fantastic.

That was in May. Last week Gym Ninja FINALLY had her first Physio appointment. Well, there's a waiting list apparently. Gym Ninja's Physio was a quiet woman. VERY quiet. A Physiotherapy equivalent of a Vole. Let us call her Vole. She wore cartoon socks too. Hmmmmmmmm.............

Vole asked Gym Ninja many many questions about the tingly arms, numbness and how it affected her grip (lucky for anyone who may annoy Gym Ninja, her grip is slightly compromised!). Vole wasn't exactly exuding confidence. She merely scribbled down some notes, paused and then asked another random question. Listen up Vole, if you don't know what the problem is, just say so?

After about 15 mins of questions, Vole decided to examine Gym Ninja. Oh. OK. So Gym Ninja has never had Physio before and hadn't realised she'd probably need to wear a layer over her underwear and beneath her jumper. Without this layer, it meant that Vole got an eyeful of Gym Ninja's Assets in what can only be described as lingerie that isn't everyone's daytime choice...

After much prodding and faffing Vole decided Gym Ninja may have a compressed nerve. OK. So even Gym Ninja had worked this out! Thus followed a few demos of neck stretches and a delightful upper trap/shoulder and neck massage.

WOW!

Gym Ninja LOVES Physio. The massage was AMAZING! Gym Ninja has a neck that is hot-wired for pleasure so when someone strokes it then it feels fantastic. Gym Ninja bounced out of Physio promising to return the next week having done her neck stretches 4 x daily.

One week on.

Gym Ninja had maybe managed to remember to stretch her neck twice a day? Ah well. It's not like she wants to become one of those tribal women with the elongated necks with rings is it?Also, thanks to some additional driving and heavy lifting at the gym (the lifting was at the gym, NOT the driving BTW) , the tingling was worse, and painful too.

Vole greeted Gym Ninja on her 2nd appointment. Asked how things had been and showed a level of concern that maybe mustered a 5 on a scale of 1-10 when Gym Ninja explained the worsening of the problem? Vole then asked Gym Ninja to lie on the bed and dragged her arm about for a few minutes.

Gym Ninja's arm, not her own. That'd be weird.

After the dragging of the arm, Vole now decided Gym Ninja had incredibly tight (and Gym Ninja is now QUOTING Vole directly) "Thingie muscles".

WHAT?

THINGIE muscles?

"Oh you mean the rhomboids/traps and upper lats?" Asked Gym Ninja.

Vole nodded.

"Yep, They are probably compressing a nerve & must have tightened up when you were driving for hours at a time. We need to mobilise it".

EXCELLENT! More massage!

Oh wait. But no. No. Vole wanted to teach Gym Ninja some moves to do. The first rehab move was as follows.

To sit on a chair and arch the back over the chair.

'Repeat.'

"Amount of times?" Enquired Gym Ninja

"A few times" Said Vole, unhelpfully.

A 'few'? Is that higher or lower than 56? OK so Gym Ninja needs to sit on a chair and arch her back a few times. Riiiiiiight.

Okaaaaaaaaaay.

Next exercise.

Grab a resistance band and hook it around a door handle.

"Do you have a resistance band?" Enquired Vole?

Hmm.

Vole knows Gym Ninja is a PT.

"Yes I have about 15" Replied Gym Ninja.

The next rehab move was as follows:

Loop resistance band around door handle and stand in front of door gripping each end of band.

Twist from left to right whilst pulling with arms, keeping hips still.

Do this a 'few' times.

UHHH!

Theres that vague word again.

"How OFTEN should I be doing this a day?" Asked Gym Ninja.

"A few times" Replied Vole.

Gym Ninja raised an eyebrow.

"Er, maybe every few hours?" Said Vole.

MAYBE?

Nobody likes a Vague Vole!

"It'll loosen up the thingie muscles" Said Vole.

Gym Ninja looked at Vole. Great.

Next it was time to lie face down on the massage bed. YESSSSSSSS!

But wait.

No.

Vole merely wanted to prod Gym Ninja's thingie muscles as if trying to pop bubble wrap.

This was rubbish!

"Do you think it would help if I did some Self-Myofascial Release work on it?" Asked Gym Ninja helpfully.

Vole looked confused.

"Foam Rolling? To loosen the tightness?" Gym Ninja tried to explain further.

"Er....yeh I suppose you could?" Replied Vole, looking blankly at Gym Ninja.

Jeeeez!.

After 3 minutes of Bubble Wrap work, Gym Ninja was sent away.

Whaaaaaaaaat?

NO massage?

Remarkably, this Vague Vole work has now inflamed the nerve endings which resulted in aching limbs for Gym Ninja last night. Damned Vole!

So do return next week for your thrilling installment of Vole Watch.

Laters

Gym Ninja x

Gym Ninja forgot. The Offer of The Day from Maximuscle.... clicky clicky linky for a bargain!!!!!

www.maximuscle.com/promotions2010/dealoftheday.html

Gym Ninja hears there is a saving of over £60 on Today's offer.....

Photo Ninja

2010-11-16T19:56:00.000+01:00

Aha!

Back again! OK, so admittedly with another brief blog but it's about forming the habit again ok?

Gym Ninja has noticed a worrying trend at her gym. She's mentioned it before. It annoys her immensely. OK, so that doesn't narrow things down. So allow this next section to do so...

So, are you getting Gym Ninja's rage now? OK so maybe it's not really rage-worthy, but it is pointless. Unnecessary even. Gym Ninja has a few questions for those who partake in such weird habits.......

So the number on the locker isn't enough for you to remember where you stashed your gym kit? Are you REALLY in the gym so long you forget?

As you DO seem to be unable to retain a locker number or location, you have selected some way of triggering your memory that works best. You thought a cuddly toy hanging from the padlock was a good idea? Not perhaps a coloured padlock?

In what world does a grown adult BUY a keyring with a cuddly toy on it? Did you happen to have the keyring anyway or did you go out and purposely seek a cuddly toy key ring specifically for gym locker use?

FINALLY.....not only is the cuddly toy NOT enough to help trigger your memory, but you have to make the goddam toy wear a T Shirt with your NAME On it?

REALLY?

Yes, Gym Ninja is talking to you Rachel and Sally (see above). Name and shame!

Uhhh!

Gym Ninja wonders if the Mens Locker Room have similar problems?

Just before Gym Ninja goes, she has received thanks for yesterdays bargainous Maximuscle offers. So as you have all been patient, you can have another one. Yep. Consider yourselves spoiled...and there is a link too!!!!!

Three for Two on Cyclone as a Deal Of The Day! if you've not tried it then do so. Gym NInja is talking noticeable results in 30 days with this stuff. Apparently they do a different deal every day (hence the name!)

Now off you pop! Come back tomorrow yeh?

Gym Ninja x

Shockingly Tardy Ninja with bribes

2010-11-15T22:01:00.000+01:00

Ooops!

Gym Ninja has been writing a blog post for the past 2 weeks yet has lost the will to live with it. So into the bin it goes...

Just a quick post before normal(ish) service resumes this week.......... Maximuscle have launched 3 new offers on bundles... Fat loss bundles at that. Perfect for the run up to Christmas so Gym Ninja will be kind and tell you about them so you all forgive her for being tardy and not blogging lately ok?

Good!

There probably are direct links but GymNinja is still a bit tardy so therefore just suggests you click onto ANY of the Maximuscle ads at the side of this blog to take you to the page and then click on the special offers tab ok?

Deal One.

2 x Tubs of Promax Protein Power , 1 bottle of CLA, 1 bottle of Thermobol and a box of Promax Diet Bars..... £99 instead of £161.95

YEP! Good deal huh?

Deal Two

2 x Tbs of Promax Diet, 1 bottle of CLA, and 1 bottle of Thermobol £99 instead of £155.96

Deal Three

A Promax Diet Starter Pack (a tub, bars, T shirt and shaker bottle) £59.00 instead of £84.96

Oh and if that wasn't enough (and Gym Ninja is using this to completely erase your annoyance at the lack of blogging), you get FREE DELIVERY On these orders.

The offer closes on 12th December so get it asap or maybe even think about them as gift boxes for your healthier friends and family?

OK, enough now as Gym Ninja feels a tad like an advertisement. She is not. She just likes and uses the range so can only recommend what she uses obviously!

Top Tip: Chocolate Mint Promax is AMAZING as a flavour. They also offer it in the Promax Diet Bars too which tastes like After Eights (mmm). Oh and they do Promax Meal Bars in Chocolate ORange (yum) and the new flavour Berry , which Gym Ninja has decided tastes a bit like marzipan? Or does it? Gym Ninja hasn't eaten Marzipan for 20 years!!!!!!

OK...so click on the side parts to take you to the site. Saves on typing it in at the top. But wait 10 mins. Gym Ninja is just off to place an order and doesn't want the stock to run out ;-)

Toodle pip

Gym Ninja xx

Bimbo Ninja

2010-10-28T23:40:00.000+02:00

Gym Ninja can be a total idiot at times. Take today. Today Gym Ninja ran late (yet AGAIN) to visit the house of her client. It was too cold for beach training & Gym Ninja wanted to do some BOSU work with her anyway. A BOSU is a half of a stability ball. Gym Ninja has called her BOSU 'Dave'. Cleints can call the BOSU Dave unless they are being lazy or are new and then they need to call it 'Mr BOSU'.

So, with Dave in the car on the passenger seat and the other equipment for training in the boot, Gym Ninja hurtled off to try and reach her 10am lady. By 9.58am Gym Ninja had made it!

PHEW!

Gym Ninja parked outside, behind a silver Golf GTI and grabbed Dave. Getting out of the car, Gym Ninja simultaneously dragged the BOSU across the middle of the car towards the drivers door to bring it out with her. Then Dave snagged. He stopped moving. Gym Ninja was now stood beside her car, her left hand tugging at Dave (if you pardon the horrid image that is now in your mind, you dirty Ninjarettes you!) But what was this? The car was MOVING! Moving towards the car in front and Gym Ninja could not stop it!

Ever so slowly, yet gaining momentum, Gym Ninja's car was rolling quietly towards the Silver Golf. Gym Ninja wa snow panicking.

WHAAAAAAAT?

Dave the BOSU had ONLY gone and released the handbrake as he passed over it & now the car was in danger of smashing into the back of the other one.

GymNinja was in a pickle!

With her left hand still grasping Dave and standing outside the car, she desperately hauled on the drivers door that was still open with her right hand, feet planted on the ground and leaning backwards trying to hold the car back. At the same time, Gym Ninja needed to get back INTO the car to slam on the brake pedal as Dave was going nowhere and was quite happily squashing the handbrake. Meanwhile, the Golf GTI got nearer and nearer to the front of Gym Ninja's car!

Diving into the driving seat, Gym Ninja just about managed to slam on the brakes with a millimeter gap to spare. All the time, her left hand was still clutching Dave. PHEW!!!!!!!!

Gym Ninja secured the car and unloaded what she needed cautiously. Thank Goodness nobody saw. That was until Gym Ninja turned around and noticed her 10am Client stood on her doorstep emptying sand from her trainers from yesterday's beach session.

Oops!

"Wow you ARE strong holding the car back!" Shouted The Client. "I thought you were going to smash right into it then...!"

Gee thanks........

Gym Ninja was obviously devoid of all common sense today. After a pit stop at her own gym for a quick extra cardio session where Gym Ninja marvelled at the girl on the treadmill with a large saucer sized faux flower in her hair (and teamed with a baggy old t shirt and leggings too!) Gym Ninja headed home.

A few hours later there was a knock at Gym Ninja's door.

Hmm.

Gym Ninja has a strict door policy. If you knock and Gym Ninja is not expecting anyone, then it is unlikely you will get let in. If you have not been invited then Gym Ninja HAS no need for you to be at her home. Understand? Good. However someone did NOT understand and again knocked at the front door.

Uhh. REALLY? What is the point of Gym Ninja disconnecting her doorbell to prevent unwanted guests if they will insist on losing their self respect and knocking? There was nothing for it but for GN to head downstairs and see who had a death wish.

Gym NInja opened the door. There stood two men with shiny faces and a Red Cross Logo on their shirts.

"Hi. We're from The Red Cross" Said Shiny Man 1.
At this, he pointed to his Red Cross.

Uhh!

"We're here to talk about charity donations".

Well there's a shocker huh?

Gym Ninja explained that she already donated to many charities via Direct Debit.

AT this, SHiny Man 2 piped up.

"Actually we're here to get people to take part in a charity bungee jump at the end of the month. Are you interested in it?"

His Shiny face broke into a shiny smile.

Gym Ninja stared back.

"You've GOT to be joking!" GN replied, her eyes widening! "Seriously what is this? Door to door death wish?"

Shiny Man 1 stared back.

"Yeh, we ARE joking silly! Just pop a 50p in a collection tin next time you see one eh? Have a good evening"

And with that, they turned around and left.

AHHHR! Tricksters! Gym Ninja is truly a bimbo!

Kamikaze Ninja

2010-10-27T23:31:00.000+02:00

I KNOW!!!!!

It's like Christmas eh? ANOTHER blog post. In a row. Bejeeezus.

Today Gym Ninja ran late for most of her day. Having frozen half to death training a client on the beach when the tide was coming in (always scary as Gym Ninja is a non-swimmer therefore tends to be a tad wary of anything watery that can snuff her life out), and trying to distract her client from the badly positioned Ice Cream Van, Gym Ninja was more than ready to warm herself up performing her own workout at the gym. Leg Day!!!!

Having parked up and spent a good 3 minutes trying to close the boot of her car (made even MORE annoying as it was supposedly fixed on Monday & is now worse than ever), Gym Nina headed into the gym and started to get changed. Walking over to a locker where a girl had just stuffed her bag into, Gym Ninja smashed into an invisible wall.

A wall of....BO.

OMG! Gym Ninja's face nearly turned inside out the smell was so strong. It was coming from the young girl who was ONLY JUST at the start of her session. She'd not even broken a sweat doing anything. Ewww, how can ANYONE smell SO BAD? With a face contorting as if sucking a lemon, Gym Ninja attempted to hold her breath as she put her own bag into her locker and quickly moved away.

As she went to grab her stuff on the bench, Gym Ninja realised she'd left an item of clothing out of her bag. Best tidy that away. Gym Ninja picked the item up and walked back to her locker.

Oh dear God!!!!!!

The stench was STILL there, hanging in the air, wrapping itself around Gym Ninja's face & stuffing itself up her nostrils and filling her lungs. The BO Girl wasn't even HERE anymore, yet her stench was. Again, HOW is that possible?

Choking & feeling slightly sick, Gym Ninja exited the changing rooms and began her session.

Today Gym Ninja became 'Kamikaze Ninja'. She was on some sort of suicide mission and it would be death by her own hand. The first suicide attempt was during cardio. Gym Ninja set the incline to 15% and decided it would be a good idea to perform sprint intervals....and yes, up the 15% incline. Now the thing with the anaerobic threshold training is that you can gauge when you are in it usually by your heart rate. However there can also be a 'handy little way' that the human body also lets you know...and that is in the form of nausea. Gym Ninja spent 20 minutes battling to prevent herself from being sick. Unfortunately though for GN, her trainer was herself and there was no WAY she was allowing herself to stop, despite how much her lungs burned, her legs complained & the fact that it was no too late in the day to watch Childrens TV as she trained.

Hmm. Gym Ninja was STILL alive, albeit now with an overwhelming feeling of nausea and shaky legs. This did NOT bode well for the rest of the workout. On route to locate some dumbbells for the Farmers Walk, Gym Ninja nearly ended up with a red headed girl embedded in her face. WTF? The girl was walking in the opposite direction, plenty of space between GN and her and yet at the VERY last minute, the Red Head swerved right into Gym Ninja's path, causing her to go a gym-based emergency stop. Meanwhile, Red Head sauntered on her journey, most likely chuckling to herself that she managed to play a game of walking chicken with GymNinja.

Pfft!

Gym Ninja began the Farmers Walks carrying heavy dumbbells. To be honest, her glutes had only just recovered from doing them 3 days before, so quite WHY she was hellbent on doing them again was anyone's guess? This time, Gym Ninja managed to find space on the indoor track which meant she could lunge freely and crank up the reps and sets. Suicide mission! By the fourth and final set of 20 (yep, suicide indeed) Gym Ninja was half dead. Still feeling queazy and now with legs made of jelly, Gym Ninja racked the dumbbells and went to fry her hamstrings on the Seated Hamstring Curl. Ow.

Half falling, half stumbling off the machine, Gym Ninja then found herself gravitating towards the Hammer Strength Leg Press and loaded up 50kgs of plates either side. Not too shoddy considering her legs had been battered with the lunges, yet still heavy enough to mean Gym Ninja had to battle to prevent herself being crushed to a pulp before she had chance to secure the weights. See? Kamikaze!

The final of just 4 exercises for lower body was another for the hamstrings. This time the ever so slightly humiliating (or titillating, depending on what mood a girl is in) Lying Hamstring Curl. Day off from Deadlifts today! Nothing like lying face down, lycra-clad with ones arse in the air to draw attention to oneself! Strange how many men suddenly feel the need to stop & chat nearby too? Always seems to happen near the Lying Leg Curl...hmm....

By now Gym Ninja had burning legs and constant nausea, so it was time to finish off with just one 5 minute circuit of 'Hellfire Ab's (an intense timed circuit of 5 ab exercises back to back with no rest) before stretching out and falling down the spiral staircase that lead back to the changing rooms. There really should be a special lift for those who have just completed a leg training day. Spiral staircases are horrendous at the best of times, let alone when one is walking like a newborn giraffe.

Downing the post workout shake was tough. Nausea was here to stay yet to skip such a vital window of post-workout refuelling would be foolhardy, so down it went. May as well chuck an apple down one's neck too whilst one is running the gauntlet of vomiting...

Gym Ninja left the gym today walking a little like one of those small plastic wind-up toys. The type that have feet interlocked and barely manage to put one foot in front of the other, before spinning slightly & curving left & right before topping over. Luckily the toppling happened once Gym Ninja reached her car. Only 3 people saw....

Gun Show

2010-10-26T23:28:00.000+02:00

Ooh, who'd have thought that Gym Ninja was FINALLY back on track (ish) and blogging AGAIN without a 57 day delay? Let us not, however, get ahead of ourselves. Plenty of time for that!

Gym Ninja, having been inspired after a particularly evil Personal Training Session inflicted on a client who barely made it through alive (and yet did, which is always a good sign & less damaging to Gym Ninja's Personal Liability Insurance), was all geared up for a quality session of her own. But first, she nipped in on route to the gym to visit her nephew & niece.

Gym Ninja's nephew 'M' is 10. He has unfeasibly long big toes(the other toes are normal size) & hair like a thatched cottage roof. Gym Ninja's niece 'T' is 3, super cute and calls high heels Gym Ninja shoes'. Bless. It was half term so both were at home. Gym Ninja was snacking on sushi when M came to chat.

"Is that all you eat?" M asked?

Poor M. Never ask Gym Ninja about what she eats or you'll receive a 5 minute ramble on her eating habits. M never does learn! The talk then turned to fitness. M declared himself unfit.

"You cannot be unfit, as you do Judo" Reminded Gym Ninja.

M shook his head.

"I AM unfit. I got puffed out running from the living room to the kitchen just then" He said, looking a bit dismayed. Now to Gym Ninja, who lives & breathes fitness (oh and sparkly glittery things...and gadgets....) that was a trigger to the layman's speech on aerobic and anaerobic energy systems within the body. Anaerobic became 'Rocket Fuel'.

To be fair, Gym Ninja thought she was doing a good enough job, however M started to glaze over, nodded his head a few times, looked around the kitchen and then darted out of the room before Gym Ninja had even finished the rocket fuel analogy ...

Oh.

So Gym Ninja decided to head to the gym where like minded folk went. OK, so maybe not quite like minded. A bit similar? Hmm, not even that. OK so Gym Ninja was in the same building as them ok?

Gym Ninja began with her 'Do as I say, NOT as I do' method of training. Gym Ninja hits cardio first. Yeh yeh yeh, even Gym Ninja tells clients to start with weights and finish with cardio, but again to reiterate, it just doesn't WORK for Gym Ninja. She ALWAYS loses the drive to do the cardio, so as a freak of nature, Gym Ninja begins with hardcore sweating!

Back to the story. A 20 minute HIIT run was on the cards. Gym Ninja warmed up and cranked up the treadmill for her run. Luckily she'd chosen the perfect time for her session as it was slap bang in the middle of Kids TV. YAY! Sadly, her favourite show Ooglies (a link for your convenience is supplied!) was not on....pfft, however Sean The Sheep WAS! Fantastic!

It must look very odd to see Gym Ninja crank out sprint intervals whilst laughing out loud at Sean The Sheep? Whatever gets a girl through her session huh? That and the latest Album from MOS 'The Rush' Worth a purchase on iTunes if you need dance tracks to get you through cardio.

As Gym Ninja cooled down from her run, she noticed the man on the adjacent treadmill. He was running with floppy hands. Jazz Hands! Do you recall Jazz Hands Man from months ago? Here he was again, hands flailing like rubber comedy hands, fingers waggling like jelly. SO glad that wasn't spotted mid-run or else it'd ruin the session.

Now unbeknown to Gym Ninja, today was the day of 'The Gun Show'.
Well, Gym Ninja 'assumes' this to be the case, as everywhere she turned her eyes she was hit by an almighty pair of well-sculpted arms with amazingly defined delts capping them. Mmm. Gym Ninja has a soft spot for arms like that! Add to the mix half or full sleeve tattoos and OMG, it's enough to make the sulky faced Ninja crack a smile. The gym was crawling with amazing arms! Bejeeezus. best head into the women only section seeing as it was impossible to concentrate.....

The Womens Gym area was almost deserted. Terribly untidy too, considering women use it. Does NO-ONE pick dumbbells up and rack them anymore? Bright purple stability balls were scattered across the floor like rubbery tumbleweed. Gym Ninja tripped over an Ab Cradle.

AHHHR!

Damned Ab Cradles. Take them away from GymNinja's line of vision. Useless gimmicky things! Endless rows of beached women lined up on the floor, stuffed into an Ab Cradle, arms lolloping over the top of the frame, elbows slumped o the pads, desperately trying to drag themselves up off the floor whilst their arms battle against them, pinning them straight back down again. Burn the lot of them! (The Ab Cradles, not the women BTW).

OK. Rant Over.

Today was an Upper Body Day & Gym Ninja worked in supersets of compound & isolation moves for the chest, back, shoulders and then finishing up with arms. Apart from two girls who came in half way through the session, the area was pretty much deserted. Unfortunately the two girls training were very distracting. The first girl, we shall call her Ballerina thanks to her habit of standing with one leg curled around the other as she faffed with dumbells, arching her lower back into lordosis as she did so, was alone at first, performing wobbly Overhead Triceps Extensions whilst straining her lower back. Her friend, Girl 2 (aka Gossip) walked into the room and shouted over to Ballerina to say hi.

Ballerina, already in danger if smashing a hole in her skull due to a barely controlled dumbbell above her head, turned around, saw Gossip and began to walk towards her, chatting.....an STILL performing wobbly Overhead Triceps Extensions. Almost as if she had forgotten she was doing so? Once in front of Gossip, she again wrapped one leg behind the other, arched her back and continued to exercise whilst chatting. HOW many reps are you doing lady? Jeeez! Sometimes Gym Ninja would do well to wear blinkers whilst training...

Post workout, Gym Ninja went to get her bag & out of it took her post workout supplements. Not magic bullets. No. Supplements. They 'supplement' a healthy balanced nutrition plan so don't be rushing out hoping that some shakes and pills will counteract the damage of a bag of Haribo and a FatDonalds Fatty meal!

What is Gym Ninja's post workout preferences? Tadaaaaaaaaa! Behold....

The beloved Maximuscle Promax protein in Choc Mint (yum), some BCAAs (branch chain amino acids) and L-Glutamine (another amino acid that aids recovery). Yes, of course Gym Ninja received some dodgy 'OMG THAT GIRL IS ON DRUGS' looks, but then if the girls shooting the looks have arms like wet noodles and midsections like 'Available for hire Bouncy Castles' then who cares?

So with that 'tasty little snack' consumed, Gym Ninja could now exit stage left, her work here done for another day.

Gym Ninja x

Slapgate: The Aftermath

2010-10-25T16:49:00.000+02:00

It's rare nowadays for Gym Ninja to be able to train on a Sunday morning due to a regular PT booking, however this week her client was away, leaving Gym Ninja the opportunity to work out early and hit the Sunday Spin Class too. Perhaps 'hit' is not quite the best choice of words to use, but you get the idea.

Once in the Changing Rooms, Gym Ninja was again faced with one of her pet hates.
Listen people.
Gym Lockers are all uniquely numbered. The way to remember where your stuff is, is to remember the number of the locker. NO NEED for a grown adult to do this...

Obviously there were oddballs at the gym today, as on route exiting the changing rooms, Gym Ninja passed this.....

Yes, someone had brought JAM into the gym.
Gym Jam!
Pfft!

Gym Ninja had plenty of time today, partly thanks to getting up earlier to watch the Korean Grand Prix (that then went bland due to excessive rain), so she had plenty of time to warm up before going into the Spin Studio. On the new 'old' bike that Gym Ninja had to select yesterday due to re-arrangement of the room, was sat a woman with noodles for hair. She was really really tall, yet had not changed the seat and handlebar heigh settings since Gym Ninja had used it the day before, so looked a bit like a circus entertainer (the type who pedal on teeny tiny bikes). All knees and elbows. Oh and noodles for hair. Gym Ninja took another bike. This one felt weird too. Pfft!

With Noodles talking loudly to her circus companion, Gym Ninja quaffed her can of 'emergency energy' & warmed up as the room started to get full. Oooh, lots of different faces in a Sunday session. Today Gym Ninja appeared to be the newbie.

"It's cold isn't it?" Said Noodles to her friend.
"I should have brought a scarf!"

Stupid Noodles! If you WILL insist on taking up the bike right under the aircon vent (which is EXACTLY why Gym Ninja sits there) then you may have to expect some sort of wind chill for goodness sake! Gym Ninja then tried to turn away, as the aircon was blowing Noodles hair into semi-straight strands before they pinged back into tight curls again. How terribly distracting.....

The class got underway. Spin CLIMB today. Lots of moments where you put the resistance up so high and you briefly pause and then can't start again. At one point, The Instructor got off her bike and paraded around the room again, shouting encouragement.

"I'm NOT going near you!" She smiled.
Fine! Saves Gym Ninja slapping her again.

"Did you know, SHE slapped me yesterday?" Shouted the Instructor to the room full of strangers. The strangers gawped at Gym Ninja whilst they pedalled hard up their imaginary hill.

Lovin the drama, the Spin Instructor continued, warming to her theme of abuse.

"Yep, she slapped me RIGHT across the face, just here!" At that, The instructor pointed to her left cheek. The strangers gasped, theatrically.

"It left a BIG red mark AND I fell onto the floor!" She continued, smirking at Gym Ninja.

Oh cheers great! Now everyone in the room thought Gym Ninja was violent. Noodles leaned further away from Gym Ninja at this last fact. To be fair, that was a good thing, as it meant less risk of being poked in the eye with a stray curl.

Post Spin, Gym Ninja headed to the weights section. Legs. Now Gym Ninja's legs had been exhausted after an hour of spin climb, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do to keep her bum from being anything other than solid! Hammer Strength Leg Press, Hack Squat, Straight Legged Deadlifts and also some Farmers Walks. OK, so Gym Ninja is no farmer, Let us just call them heavy dumbbell walking lunges ok?

Now the walking lunges were to be done on the running/walking track that circles inside the gym. However just as Gym Ninja stood ready to begin, she was overtaken by a group of muppets on boingy springs. Aka The Kangoo Class!

Boing boing boing boing they ran, around the track. GO BACK INTO THE AEROBICS STUDIO!
STOP being stupid in public! Uhh! How can Gym Ninja lunge when there are people bouncing all around her?

So Gym Ninja grumpily (there's a surprise) picked up her dumbbells and sloped off to another part of the gym so she could properly fry her legs. Once this had been successfully achieved, Gym Ninja braved the spiral staircase to the changing rooms with legs that behaved like soggy string, showered, filled up on Promax protein and then left....

PS

The Gym Jam was STILL there........

Argy Bargy Ninja

2010-10-23T19:31:00.000+02:00

OK, sorry about the shoddy blog post the other day. No excuse. Oh wait, no the excuse was that Gym Ninja has a really bad memory. Oops. Forgot!

So today we find yet ANOTHER Saturday Slaughter Session post, but Gym Ninja is on the ball & has made the effort to type it up before the memory falls out of the back of her head. Good idea huh?

The day started well. The alarm went off just fine. No dramas there. Admittedly after a bit of a faff Gym Ninja did start to run a tad late, and inadvertently selected a gym top that didn't have enough of a lycra content to accommodate the Ninja Twins (•)(•) which did result in the feeling of a boa constrictor throughout the morning........but apart from that all was going just fine & dandy.

Gym Ninja sauntered up to the Spin Studio for the hour of Extreme Spin.

Whoa!

What's this? CHANGE?????????? Who's gone & re-organised the room and moved the bikes forward? No! NO NO NO NO NO! No change! Now Gym Ninja's usual bike no longer existed? The row was all squished up with another one. Uhh! Selecting an 'almost but not quite the same' bike as her usual (now sadly long gone) favourite, Gym Ninja set it up & began to warm up. No sign of Dangly today oddly enough?

The session began with a hill climb. Then followed the usual mix of sprints, runs, jumps, climbs, and basically anything else the Instructor feels may take you right to the brink of cardiac arrest without having to fire up the defibrillator. It was at the height of near-death experience that 'the incident' happened.....It wasn't a typical Gym Ninja action. Nor did Gym Ninja know she was going to do it? It just kind of.....happened......

Midway through a whole track's worth of interval standing runs, The Instructor began to walk around the group. It was on Run number 5, where the lactic acid was building up nicely and Gym Ninja's energy levels were in dire need of replenishment, that the Instructor chose to walk over to Gym Ninja and scream "Come ON!!!!!!" into Gym Ninja's face.

Instinctively, Gym Ninja reached out and swiped the face of the Instructor. Only lightly mind, but yeh, Gym Ninja hit the Instructor in the face. The Instructors face spun around to the right from the smack and she then stood there, mouth wide open (tisk, not a good look), half shocked, half laughing.

"OMG you hit me! OMG everyone, she just hit me in the face!!!!! I'm not going near her again today" Said the Instructor.

At this point, Gym Ninja felt it prudent to point out that if you plan on walking up to her and screaming abuse in her face, then instinct will kick in and you will get a smack! Fair enough huh?

To be fair, the Instructor never came over to meddle with resistance or scream anything at Gym Ninja for the rest of the session, so it all worked out for the best!

Post session Gym Ninja needed to hit her legs with a workout. Yet for some reason, (perhaps that memory problem is getting worse?) Gym Ninja found herself on an Upper Body workout. Pffft! Not much in the way of distractions other than a smattering of incorrectly performed moves in the gym today. WHY do women insist on doing side bends holding a dumbbell in BOTH hands? It just cancels out the effect. If you plan on doing side bends, ensure that you don't go TOO heavy as the obliques are muscle and can hypertrophy as much as the next muscle can. If you thicken it up, you thicken up the waist! Anyhow, top tip is to hold only ONE dumbbell in the hand of the opposite side you bend to. So if you are bending to the left, the dumbbell should be in your right hand, and vice versa. OK- so this teaching point has been given today to cancel out sudden moment of argy bargy Instructor Slapping. ALl must be ok in the world now, surely????

After a cool down, Gym Ninja headed to the showers and downed her protein shake. Returning to get dressed, Gym Ninja was suddenly surrounded by children. Must be a swimming birthday party on. Great. Now here Gym Ninja was, stuck in the middle of the changing rooms about to get naked in front of 10 pairs of staring eyes. Yep, kids stare! They don't do the sneaky peeking that adults do. No, they stand there, sometimes REALLY close, and just stare. Unnerving!

Now there is a number of reasons why Gym Ninja is not entirely happy with this. Firstly, you never know what a child may say. They do tend to speak the truth & sometimes it's just not needed! Secondly, Gym Ninja has a belly button piercing and wears toe rings. These shiny objects tend to attract the eye of a small child & questions ensue. Questions are fine, but not when you are naked. Well OK, so questions when naked are fine, but in CONTEXT. Not in the gym changing rooms ok? Thirdly, Gym Ninja has a large coloured tattoo that effectively acts as a magnet for children. No, it's not a cartoon. It's just colourful and fascinates them. Great. Oh and finally, there is Gym Ninja's grooming and 'Ninja Twins' that quite possibly differ slightly to what a small child may view at home from their own mothers. Thats NOT to say there aren't well groomed mothers out there who are unnaturally gravity defying as there most definitely are, however the age of these children meant that their mothers may be still in their transformation stages. Again, it throws up questions.......and draws crowds of small children......!

So Gym Ninja's plea today is that if you do bring children to the gym, spare a thought for those of us who do not have children of our own so therefore are NOT used to the staring eyes and barbed comments please? Gym Ninja can take insults, but when they are from a small child? Uh oh! Gotta be the truth huh?

See you next time

Gym Ninja x

Rushed Ninja

2010-10-22T16:50:00.000+02:00

Another Saturday (OK so it's 6 days late), another Saturday Slaughter Session.......or was it?

Gym Ninja opened her eyes......Saturday, and her alarm was yet to go off. This was good. It is good to wake before the alarm. Allows the body a bit more time to come to, wake up and.....AHHHHHHR!

The alarm clock flashed up 8.58am.

8.58am.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Gym Ninja set's her alarm on a Saturday for 7.30am. This allows her time to wake up slowly, get showered, have a couple of mugs of tea, get dressed & fed/watered before packing up her gym bag & heading out of the door by 9.15am. Then it's a 15-20 min drive to the gym depending on traffic and time to warm up before the 10am hour of Extreme Spin that starts off a typical Saturday Slaughter Session.

Firstly, HOW come Gym Ninja's neighbour, who usually has a determined streak focussed on making as much early morning noise as possible via the adjoining wall, had remained quiet today? Had she have begun with her usual 'where's the missing object from the chest of drawers against the wall' game then Gym Ninja would never have overslept! This meant Gym Ninja now had exactly 22 minutes to get up & out of the house. NOT possible for one so slow at waking surely???

This is how it went.

8.58am: Woke up. Saw time. Panicked. Leapt out of bed.
8.58am and 30 seconds: Cat fell off the bed having been cuddled up close, fast asleep.
9.00am: Galloped downstairs, two cats running alongside Gym Ninja like whippets!
9.01am: Cat food on cats heads due to more-haste-less-speed moment. Kettle on.
9.02am: Wheat Free Pitta in toaster, back upstairs to get ready.
9.12am: Back downstairs, hair fashioned in the drag-through-hedge-backwards style. Pitta now stone cold.
9.13am: Tea made, cold, brittle pitta filled with cottage cheese & stuffed down face whilst scooping Promax protein powder into shaker bottle. Gym bag packed.
9.14am: Cats faff at patio doors deciding whether to go out or not? Gym Ninja pushes cats bottoms out of door. Yep. You wanted to go out!
9.15am: BCAAs popped, energy drink downed, cats dish trodden in by accident.
9.16am: Foot scraped clean of cat food. Bag grabbed. Quest for doorkeys begins.
9.18am: Keys found in first place Gym Ninja looked then returned to, but after also checking 17 other places.
9.19am: Bag in car, engine on, car reversing down driveway.
9.20am: Car stopped due to cats now rolling in path of car. Cats picked up, carried to house, stuffed through open door. One cat escapes, allows Gym Ninja to chase him for a while, then runs back into house of own accord.
9.21am: Car journey commences.
9.32am: 15-20 minute journey condensed into 12 mins courtesy of jumping a red light & following the racing line.......

PHEW!

By the time Gym Ninja reached the gym, she was more than a little frazzled.

"Where were you last week?" Barked Dangly, frowning at Gym Ninja.

Gym Ninja wondered.
Where WAS she? Her brain was still asleep. Ahhh right-London for the weekend with her partner in Crime 'Red' (she is named after the knitted C'Mon Corsa ad character. They have the same lips donchaknow).

Dangly looked disgusted.

"Pfft! Yeh right!"

He then turned away, a look of hurt in his eyes.

OMG! Since when did Gym Ninja have to report her diary to the man with the dangly earring? Jeeeeeeez!

So sat back on her usual spin bike of choice (Dangly was quick to point out that the girl who stole Gym Ninja's bike the other week had now taken a bike at the furthest away point to them since Gym Ninja had done a Kevin The Teenager act when she took it one week), Gym Ninja prepared for an hour of Extreme Spin knowing full well her body had no only barely woken up, but was still digesting breakfast. Should make for an interesting session?

Uhh!

One hour later, Gym Ninja stumbled out of the session, half dead and still not 100% awake. Great. Fantastic start to the weekend. Passing a row of treadmills hiked up to 15% incline with about 5 women hanging on for dear life, Gym Ninja was too tired even to contemplate un-peeling their fingers from the treadmill handles to stop them cheating. Yep. THAT tired and asleep.

Now, there was much MUCH more to this blog post than is now typed up. However Gym Ninja currently has the brain of a goldfish, so when new things come into the front of her brain, the older stuff falls back out of the other side, lost forever Possibly it's just as well? This will allow Gym Ninja to ensure she types up her blog in a less tardy manner in future. There is a vague recollection of a few things that did happen or catch Gym Ninja's eye, such as the man with the dimply deltoids, the girl who runs like a horse galloping (Gym Ninja needs to decide if she has a plastic leg (well, Ok so no 'plastic' but you know ...er..prosthetic that's it!), the PJ Boys & something about a very old lady bending over naked in the changing rooms....hmm, maybe Gym Ninja didn't 'forget'? Maybe her brain blanked it out due to trauma???????

So with great apologies, this blog post now endeth abruptly. Pfft!

Saturday Slaughter is back baby!

2010-10-15T12:56:00.000+02:00

Lookey lookey! A gym blog!

YAY! Finally!

Yep, 2 weekends ago Gym Ninja hit up her usual Saturday Slaughter Session. Ahh, it' s always good to start the weekend working up a sweat of some sort. Gym Ninja dragged herself out of bed, packed her bag (well, her GYM bag-she wasn't running away from home remember) & set out for the gym.

At the gym reception, a burly man was stood blocking the entrance, whistling along awkwardly to Madonna's Get Into The Groove. SO wrong a song choice to whistle along to Mr! Anyway, on with the story. Gym Ninja stuffed her gym bag into the locker and after a quick warm up went upstairs towards the Spin Studio, an hour of hardcore sweating awaiting her...

OMG!

Sat on Gym Ninja's regular 'creature of habit I do not like change' spin bike.....was .... a girl.

Whoah there lady! You must be new? GYM NINJA sits on that bike! ........

Sat on the bike next to Gym Ninja's now STOLEN bike was Dangly Cross Man. Now that was a betrayal and a half as he knew that was Gym Ninja's bike Goddamit! Why didn't he protect it?

With eyes the size of saucers due to incredulity of the situation (Dangly should have prevented the poor innocent woman from stealing Gym Ninja's place in front of the aircon vent) Gym Ninja slinked further into the room. The Spin Instructor greeted her with a 'where have YOU been lately' comment & smile.

"Er, more importantly, what's going on HERE?" Gestured Gym Ninja, waggling her hand towards the stolen bike.

"Ahh, she's ok. She's my mate." Smiled the Spin Instructor.

Great. Pfft!

Next minute...

"HEY! ... YOU NEED TO GET OFF THE BIKE! GYM NINJA SITS THERE AND SHE WANTS YOU OFF HER BIKE!"

Gee thanks Spin Instructor. How 'terribly' subtle.

The girl turned and looked at GN.

"Oh sorry, shall I get off it?"

Gym Ninja looked at the girl. Bugger.

"No no, don't be silly, it's not MY bike. It's just that I usually always every single week sit there, that's all. It's not 'mine' per say . Stay where you are, honestly, it's not a problem."

*cue forced smile*

"Are you sure? I can get off it you know. It's no problem".

At this, the bike thief started to dismount.

Uhh.

You know when you WANT them to do it? To get off the bike? Yet you know you can't actually allow them to do so for fear of being rumbled in terms of how pedantic you are?

Pfft.

With a casual 'it really doesn't matter' wave, Gym Ninja sat on another bike.

*sulks*

This bike felt funny. Stupid new bike...

Realising her water bottle was empty, GN then hopped off the nasty new bike & headed out to the water fountain. Already there was Spin Instructor.

"My mate was asking about you today!" She said, smirking.

Gym Ninja looked blank.

Spin Instructor elaborated.

"Remember him? The Fighter? He came to spin ages ago & really fancies you? He asked whether the fit girl would be there today. He meant you!"

Now Gym Ninja DID recall the Fighter. How could one not? When a ripped guy strides into a darkened Spin Room a girl does tend to clock him. In fact he made it to two sessions before Spin Instructor stuck him up on the bike at the front of the class, then part way through came over to Gym Ninja who was drowning in her own sweat. switched her mic off and whispered "My mate fancies you!" jerking her head back in the direction (& RIGHT in the line of vision) of the Fighter.

Awkward was NOT the word. Needless to say he'd never come back since!

'I told him you'd had two weeks off spin whilst your new tattoo across your arse healed. He loved that!"

At this, Spin Instructor elbowed Gym Ninja in the ribs, laughed evilly and walked off.

Great. How terribly embarrassing!

The hour of spin went slowly, partly due to the new unknown bike that recreated a bicycle version of 'Princess & The Pea' with Gym Ninja's backside. Damn you Bike Thief! Now Gym Ninja was almost ruined for all men!!!! Hobbling out of the session like a broken Rodeo Rider, Gym Ninja headed to a stretch area to cool off and stretch out. That'd be the stretch area overlooking the Hydropool. Hmm.

The Hydropool was full of it's usual 'types'. A smattering of incredibly hairy men rocking so much body hair you could see it all matted and tangling from the first floor. It's when the hair on their torso is so long you can see it fanning out onto the surface of the water that tests the stomach! Then there was the Frisky Couple. Usually facially challenged (ugly if being less politically correct) who are rubbing up against each other, oblivious to the looks of disgust from those seated near them. There is the Pervy Man. He sits bang in the middle of the Hydropool right opposite the steps leading in/out so he has the best view of all the women as they leave. Pervy Man never blinks. He does slobber excessively though. Then there are the group of teenage boys who sit together staring at any girl walking past or using the Hydropool. They look a tad uncomfortable and usually have their hands below the waterline...

As you can probably gather, today would not be a day Gym Ninja wished to use the Hydropool, so once showered, changed & replenished with her Maximuscle Promax Shake, Gym Ninja made a sharp exit away from stolen Spin Bikes, Matchmaking with Fighters and The Circus in a Hydropool......

Ooops!

2010-10-02T17:28:00.000+02:00

Ooops!

Where the devil did Gym Ninja go? Well, Gym Ninja fell off the face of the blogging planet mostly due to a dead Mac and only a piddly little Macbook to type on in it's place. The Ninja Mac died a thousand deaths of sudden white-screen hard drive failure, and is still being rebuilt akin to the Million Dollar Man, at Apple Hospital. It's been nearly 2 weeks and counting...*gulp*

HOWEVER....Gym Ninja has not slacked off the workouts even if she has slacked off the blogging. Nosireebob! Gym Ninja must lead by example when it comes to staying fit & motivating her clients...

Now it was a week or so ago when Gym Ninja's tolerance (and this is a word pushed to it's absolute limit) was seriously tested. The private gym where GN trains a lot of her clients is located at a city centre hotel, & the hotel itself was full to bursting with political types. T'was apparently host to an annual conference for the Liberal Democrats and the place was literally crawling with grey suited serious types wearing yellow ribboned 'Jim'll Fix It' conference badges, a whole load of corduroy & a 'losing the will to live' face....Oh and those carrier bags full of junk they do insist on handing out at such things? The hotel effectively had rivers of blandness flowing through it's doors. Obviously this didn't bode well for motivating one's client, however Gym Ninja remained optimistic as the gym area was pretty much always deserted. It was merely the main areas of the hotel that the Grey Men were cluttering up. So, having greeted her client Gym Ninja headed up in the lift to the gym for the usual workout session.

Oh GREAT! There were 3 unknowns in the gym that day, making the place untidy. The TV wasn't even blasting out it's usual mix of music. Oh no. 'Someone' had re-tuned it to the BBC News Channel *yawn*. In the corner of the gym was a swiss ball, and lying supine on it, like a dead 4-legged starfish, was a politician. He wasn't moving....he was just lying still, his arms and legs dangling onto the floor. Gym Ninja's client rolled her eyes, saving Gym Ninja the bother of doing so herself....

Trying to avoid eye contact with all three 'randoms' for fear of being sucked into their apathy, Gym Ninja began warming up her client. As she was doing so, a woman walked into the gym and climbed up onto one of the multi-plane cross trainers. More of a strider/stepper than your usual cross trainer really, and the woman was having great difficulty getting the correct motion going.

"Excuuuuuse me hunni" Boomed an American accent.

'You wouldn't mind showing me how to work this thang would ya?"

Gym Ninja turned around. Hmmm. It would appear that there was no other 'hunni' about, so that then meant that the American woman was talking to Gym Ninja..... aka Gym Hunni...

Now Gym Ninja is NOT a gym instructor hired by the hotel so really shouldn't be getting involved with the general hotel guests. Gym Ninja is a PT who is paid exclusively by her client for one-on-one attention. However, seeing as GN likes Americans, she trotted over to help (with the permission of her client first of course). Cue about 3 minutes of the American woman half stepping, half cycling with her left leg only, whilst her right leg refused to play along. Gym Ninja, finding this highly amusing, decided it would be best to focus hard on the working leg rather than the one flailing around helplessly, to avoid an unprofessional guffaw whilst offering gentle words of encouragement. After a rather awkward few minutes, both finally realised that The American Woman was flogging a dead (and lame) horse, and was also looking rather pathetic.

"Er, perhaps I should go on the Stepper?" Suggested the American Woman, appearing downcast.

Gym Ninja nodded whilst offering up her best non-patronising smile.

"Er....Yep, that's probably not a bad idea. There's a lot to be said for Steppers".....

Part way through the PT session, as Gym Ninja was taking her client through some multi-plane lunges, in walked a suited & booted man of grey pallor and slight frame. He was wearing a pale blue shirt, grey suit trousers and leather shoes. He screamed political blandness. Around his neck was a yellow Jim'll Fix It Badge.

Damned Lib Dems! Obviously he'd taken a wrong turning?

The Grey Man meandered over to a bike in the far corner of the gym, unrolled his newspaper, sat down...and began pedalling.

In. His. Suit.

Head down, engrossed in his newspaper, his tie loosened, his brogues on, pedalling at a leisurely, almost lazy' pace, Grey Man began to work up a very fine sheen of sweat. Gym Ninja and her client looked at each other, then back over to Grey Man. Both were secretly grateful that the old rule of 'forget your gym kit and do it in your underwear' was no longer enforced.... Alongside Grey Man on the treadmill was another political type. This guy was larger. MUCH larger. Carved out of a substantial slab of lard. Calves the size of traffic bollards and feet lined with lead. Around the base of the treadmill, small cracks were beginning to show in the flooring....

*Thud, thud, thud, thud*

Not a natural runner, one may say.

By now, Gym Ninja's client was looking cross. She was not used to such distractions and does not suffer fools any more than Gym Ninja does. Ahh, the warmth of a Capricorn eh? The political folk surrounding her were obviously aggravating her and it was starting to cause her a noticeable lack of balance. EEEK!

*BAM*

The door to the gym suddenly exploded open, and in stomped the final nail in the concentration coffin.

Puny Boy!

Allow Gym Ninja to describe Puny Boy. He is a fairly common character in most gyms across the Globe, and no doubt you'll know one when you see one. He's about 17 or 18, fairly tall yet of slight frame. Hunches his shoulders forwards partly due to his embarrassment at his height (puberty is still a fresh and slightly painful memory in his mind) and partly due to the fact he has never once stretched out his pecs rendering them as tight as a drum. His hair is beige magnolia and falls across his face in a nod to Boy Band styling. His feet are shod in what can only be described as Trainers for clown feet.

Puny Boy marched over to the cable machine, tinkered around with the rope attachment and then went headlong into something vaguely looking like triceps pushdowns.

Oh. Ok. No warm up then? 'Arm Day' is it? Pffft!

Puny Boy, having attempted to push down the rope attachment 5 or 6 times, was now struggling due to the fact that:

1. He'd not bothered to check the weight stack & the weight was WAY too heavy for him.

2. His triceps were cold having not been warmed up before he began.

3. Rope burn from the pulley was playing havoc with his hands. (Being only 17 or 18, his hands were probably nursing a very recent Repetitive Strain Injury from too many nights in his room with his laptop & Red Tube.)

Gym Ninja and her client turned away. It was just too painful to watch him struggle. Continuing their PT session to the background noise of BBC News 24 and the grunts of Puny Boy, it wasn't too long before they were yet again distracted. Puny Boy, having given up on his triceps, had now pulled up a bench, grabbed some 18kg dumbbells and was attempting to do a bench press of some description.

Yeh, that's a good idea. Knacker your triceps first and then attempt to waggle those babies around your head. Gym Ninja wondered if there was an iPhone App that would allow her to quickly place a bet on at Ladbrooks for this guy panning his own head in? Puny Boy was in some serious trouble! His back was arched, his left arm was buckling under the weight of the dumbbell and his eyes had a look of fear as one arm started to drift outwards in a shoulder-dislocation type move whilst the other slowly inched the juddering dumbbell towards his skull. By now Gym Ninja had forgotten her annoyance as it had been replaced with a new and morbid fascination for seeing what would happen first?

Would it be

A): The 18kg Dumbbell in his left hand would find it's target of his left eye socket and smash it into a pulp of powdered bone, eye juice and blood?

B): The 18kg Dumbbell in his right hand would succeed in making contact with the floor, ripping his pec muscle and dislocating his shoulder in the process?

C): His lower back would pop, simultaneously triggering a combo version of options A & B?

Some things, Ninjarettes, are best not described in blog format! Needless to say the final outcome wasn't anything that a mop, a bucket & a bag of sawdust couldn't clean up.......

See you all back here tomorrow! Gym Ninja is on a roll........

Gym Ninja x

Ninja cats & floor mats

2010-09-18T17:28:00.000+02:00

Hello Ninjarettes.

Busy week? Lots of gym session though huh? DO say yes. Gym Ninja will be terribly disappointed if you are all just sitting in front of the 'puter eating biscuits and growing chubby.

Today Gym Ninja again skipped her usually Saturday Slaughter Session. But this will be the last time as the tattoo (aka Sistene Chapel) is almost done with healing. So it'll be back on it as of next week full force and then some! Hopefully the 2 weeks of pared down almost non-existent workouts will have kick started Gym Ninja's body into a new growth spurt? Uhh. Horrid word spurt. But you know what GN means.

Having woken early courtesy of a Ninja cat taking a short cut across GN's torso, Gym Ninja decided to do something a little different. Pre-breakfast cardio. Some are great believers in this, others not so. Gym Ninja falls into the latter camp. The body has been in a state of catabolism overnight so to ask it to perform at a decent level & not expect some damage to the muscle tissue as the body rips into it for fuel is inevitable. However, having popped some insurance policy pills (BCAAs) Gym Ninja thought she'd try it. Just this once mind!

Thus followed 30 mins of indoor jump rope. Now Gym Ninja's cats take a great interest in any house-based exercise Gym Ninja partakes in. Floor work is seen as an invitation to come close and curl up in the most inconvenient place. Skipping is viewed from afar (usually through the gap in the bannisters). All done with a feline look of derision. Today Gym Ninja decided to watch some TV whilst working out. Luckily the World Rally Championships was on, so that distracted GN enough to forget that the Ninja cats were shooting her bemused looks (until one took a casual stroll in front of Gym Ninja, throwing a 'FFS' look over his furry shoulder as he did so).

With the cardio complete, Gym Ninja feasted (after a fashion) on mushroom and egg white omelettes with a smattering of coconut oil, before showering, getting dressed and then...heading to the gym! Old habits die hard. Once at the gym, it was time to get down to business (well, no not THAT), and hit the free weights. Upper Body Day!!!!

Gym Ninja was getting along quite nicely with her workout and so far had suffered few distractions when a girl decided to take a mat, and plonk it in the path of the fixed cable machine. Now Gym Ninja was setting the cable up to do lateral raises for her side delts yet the girl, unaware of anything other than her need to lie flat on the floor and flail around a bit, decided that the rest of the vacant floor space would not be adequate, and instead chose Gym Ninja's piece of floor.

Pfft!

Apart from being immensely annoying and discourteous, lying in the immediate area of someone using weights is a health & safety risk people! There are plenty of areas in every gym in which to do floor work. Never think it is a good idea to lie on the floor where someone can drop a dumbbell or barbell on your head. Even if you do not get injured, you may inadvertently trip someone up who is carrying weights. One final rant: when lying on the floor in the gym, be doing so for a REASON! There is NO SUCH THING as 'sleepy time' in the gym, ok?

Also causing distraction were two girls who decided to face each other and copy each exercise. Portable Mirrors (albeit with a slight size discrepancy). Once they had finished mimicking each other they sat on the floor (GET OFF THE GODDAM FLOOR EVERYONE) and sat SO close they were virtually intertwined. How very odd. Gym Ninja checked to see if a stray limb was conjoined to the other girl in some way? Surely this is the only explanation for such closeness? Any other explanation needs taking out of the gym and straight home please!

The final distraction was a portly lady who was sauntering on the treadmill. When you use a treadmill you switch it on and it begins at a snails pace, yes? Well this was the speed selected by Portly lady, and she was holding on to the rail too. Oh dear. Perhaps Portly Lady had read somewhere about the 'fat burning zone'? The zone of lower intensity that burns more fat as fuel? Well yes, in a way it does, however the faster you move the more calories you burn, and a calorie is a calorie when it comes to creating a deficit and reducing body fat. If Portly lady hoped to do some serious damage to her fat cells at that speed then she'd be needing to saunter to the moon and back to burn off any decent amount. Just to recap...if you are walking on a treadmill slower than you would around Tesco then you are WASTING YOUR TIME. It is not a magical piece of equipment. It doesn't incinerate fat just because you pootle on the belt for 20 minutes holding on. This also follows regarding weight training. If you have been training with weights for a fair amount of time and yet have seen no discernible change in your body composition and shape, then you are doing something wrong ok? Whether it is your technique, intensity, choice of exercise, rest/sleep or what happens in the kitchen at home, you need to find out what's not working and fix it. There is no reason why you cannot have the physique you aspire to have if you work hard, get the basics right and watch your diet. Yes, work hard. Nothing worth having ever came easy, but then knowing you have achieved what you set out to achieve despite the hard work is a feeling you need to experience, as it's sensational!

Right. Gym Ninja needs to go now. Stuff to do. On a lighter note, GN discovered that she has been short-listed for a Fitness Model competition she entered in the summer. Surprising yet very welcome news. Gym Ninja plans to set herself some serious physique goals next year with a view to competing, so news like this has given Gym Ninja and added push in the right direction. Now off you all pop and go set yourself some goals....you've gotta be in it to win it as they say... ;-)

Gym Ninja x

Sabotaged!!!

2010-09-15T20:00:00.000+02:00

Hmm, somebody or something sabotaged Gym Ninja today. Not sure why, or when they did it, yet it became apparent that something was going on as the gym session today wore on....

Firstly, Gym Ninja nearly didn't make it to today. No, for last night a spider the size of a rhino thundered across the floor, towards the zebra print rug (& Hamish the cat), stopping dead, one leg on the rug, 7 legs on the tiled floor when Gym Ninja started to move (in panic).

*Mexican Spider Stand Off*

Now what? Would Hamish leap into action & wrestle the rhino spider to the floor, chewing off it's legs one by one leaving a currant sized dot?

No. Hamish would join in with the Mexican Spider Stand Off. Everyone/thing was still. So Gym Ninja started to walk towards the rhino spider, only for it to dart away towards the sofa (at this point Hamish had shown an interest), before back tracking and scurrying under the coffee table. Hamish decided this may be fun to follow, and did simply that, keeping a 'safe 'distance. Great. The rhino spider then scuttled back from under the table, and towards the hallway door. Hamish, again, trotted behind it, creating some sort of spidercat trial akin to sheepdog trials. Uhhhr! Why no kill? In the end, Gym Ninja, bored of this game and not wanting rhino spider to disappear, grow bigger and strangle Gym Ninja in her sleep, trod on it.

THERE! A rhino spider sized splat on the floor. Job done.

Braving the weather Gym Ninja headed to the gym. On route she received a text from a client who had trained two days earlier with GN. It had rude words in it about leg soreness. Aww, how terribly rewarding it is training clients? Marvelous stuff. With a smile on her face, Gym Ninja went to get changed ready for some low intensity cardio (tattoo still not quite healed) & some upper body work.

Annoyingly, there are women out there who see the A frame (the A shaped rack where the dumbbells are stored) as a friend. They do not wish to move too far away from The A Frame for fear of losing the friendship of the A Frame, or indeed buckling under the weight of a 2kg dumbbell & not having the strength to make it back to the rack. Therefore they select their cotton bud sized dumbbells and then move 3cm away from The A Frame, before performing a few bad lateral raises/biceps cursl/general comedy swings. Now the problem with this is that Gym Ninja needs to gain access to The A Frame herself. This becomes nigh impossible if a few of you have congregated around it and are flinging weights about. This happened today and caused Gym Ninja much annoyance.

As the workout progressed, Gym Ninja was struck by that horrid feeling again. The pinging sensation from a few blog posts ago?

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!

Aka Sports Bra Suicide. Yep, the rascal had given up the ghost and pinged a strap. Mid chest workout too! Hmmm....in hindsight maybe this was in some way linked to the area Gym Ninja was working? However surely they are made of sterner stuff? So now what? Carry on, without correct support and feeling a bit 'wrong'? Uuuh, no. So with that Gym Ninja had to return to the changing rooms and do a rudimentary repair job. With The Twins firmly restrained, it was then back up to the gym to continue with the weights session. Within 10 minutes...PING!

AHHHR!

This time it was the other strap committing suicide. Now who (or what) had meddled with Gym Ninja's clothing? This is surely not normal behaviour? Hmm, can rhino spiders do stuff like this? Are they known for their dextrous legs? Had a relative of the now splatted rhino spider sneaked into Gym Ninja's sports bag and started meddling with the stitching as an act of revenge? Pffft!

Gym Ninja, now realising how fruitless another repair job would be, had to then struggle through the rest of the session incorrectly restrained! This just wasn't respectable!

Once finished, Gym Ninja gathered her locker key and sweat towel and headed back out of the gym area, passing a wall smeared in orange stripes. Ahh, the Fake Tan Stretching Wall. You'd think someone would get a cloth and clean it once in a while huh?

Gym Ninja walked to her locker, grabbed the lanyard that her key was attached to and....

Oh!

Where the HELL was the key?????? NOW what had that Goddam spider done? Gnawed through the metal so that the key would slip off? Gym Ninja hoped she wasn't now being haunted by the ghost of rhino spider? So, with The Twins loose (so to speak) Gym Ninja had to then re-trace her steps. Twice GN did this before eventually finding the key in the changing rooms! Uhhr!

On route from the changing rooms, Gym Ninja was hollared by a woman who had asked GN about her protein quaffing a few weeks ago. The woman had been interested as to why GN was drinking it as it was something she said her sons drank, and would it help her gain some muscle definition if she drank it? At the time, Gym Ninja had given the woman a crash course in protein supplementation and recommended Maximuscle (as this is GN's beverage of choice!). Anyhow, the woman came over to Gym Ninja...

"I went to buy some of that protein the other day" She said. "I went to a small shop locally and explained to the old guy there what I wanted and he said it wasn't for me".

At this, the woman looked forlorn.

"Really? Why on earth did he say that?" Questioned Gym Ninja, astonished. Surely in this day and age guys don't still think girls can't take protein supplements?

"He said it would make me fat and that it would make me bigger and not help me!"

OMG. Well it appears that there still ARE indeed some misinformed people out there. So with that, Gym Ninja explained that the Promax protein she'd recommended was low calorie and low carb and that it would support lean muscle growth and not make her fat. Yes perhaps some cheaper less effective brands loaded with sugar and high in calories may add weight, but not in this case. So Gym Ninja made the woman promise to bypass the store and instead go and buy some from Tesco instead. The woman nodded and off she went.

So just to remind any new readers out there, protein alone won't turn you into some sort of musclebound man/woman. You only need to look around your gym to notice how few of those exist! But what it will do is give your body the fuel and nutrients it needs to repair post-workout, and by repairing it can then reshape and grow stronger. When choosing a brand, each to their own. Gym Ninja pays extra (when compared to a lot of the brands out there) to use Maximuscle as this is the brand she has seen greatest improvements using herself and it tastes pretty amazing too. Remember like everything in life, you get what you pay for. Send off for samples if a supplement company offer them and see what you like? There's no point saving money by buying a cheaper brand it if tastes like dishwater and you won't drink it. On the flip side, tasting great isn't always an indicator of a quality supplement, so do your research, compare ingredients and choose what's best for you. As a general and sweeping statement, go for the well-known brands such as Maximuscle, CNP, MuscleTech, PhD, EAS etc, and avoid cheap and cheerful makes like 'Holland & Barrett' or 'Body Fortress'.

There you go. You all just got the woman's rapid protein lesson too!

On that note, Gym Ninja shall leave you all to it and allow you to all begin your homework of googling various supplement brands and doing your own product comparison.

Toodle pip!

Gym Ninja (& the ghost of rhino spider) x

Cuddly Toysville Ninja

2010-09-13T21:51:00.000+02:00

Gym Ninja plans on cobbling together a gym-based blog post today. Out of nowhere. LUCKY you.

Well, as you all know, Gym Ninja has been resting up, or 'De-Loading' (which is what a period of planned rest from the gym/fitness regime is called) for about a week. It can be hard to do when you love training, yet there are many benefits (not just those related to tattoo healing!). You come back well rested and this in turn allows the body to go on to become stronger, leaner, faster, or whatever it is your particular goals may be? Sounds wonderful to a non-addict. Rest up and don't exercise and you get fitter? Well, yes, but you need to be in a regular routine in order to see a benefit. Those Couch Potatoes aren't just biding their time until the Olympics you know!

However a downside is that if you, like Gym Ninja, are an endorphin junkie and miss the high, post workout, or if you, like Gym Ninja, use the gym as a way of releasing stress, then you really DO get cranky when you cannot train. Gym Ninja's last workout had been Monday of last week. By Sunday Gym Ninja was bouncing off the walls......to the point where enough was enough. It was time to work out a way of getting some cardio in that wouldn't affect the tattoo healing yet would save millions of innocent yet annoying people from the wrath of a non-training Ninja. What did Gym Ninja come up with? Skipping. Or Jump Rope to you Yanks. Yep, if Gym Ninja did some skipping in the privacy of her own home, this would mean she would merrily box off a cardio session sans workout wear. The lycra would rub on the tattoo you see....so Sunday, that HOLY day of the week, saw Gym Ninja in nowt but her underwear skipping for 30 minutes in her lounge.

:-0

Despite curdling all of your brains with that image, the PLUS side was that Gym Ninja got her endorphin hit. So today, Monday, saw another sneaky workout but this time for the upper body. Weights! Mmmm, how Gym Ninja loves her weight training.........

But what did Gym Ninja see when she went to the gym? Dear GOD! Has it become some sort of child play area since she was here last? Now at the gym Gym Ninja trains at, are lockers that you use with your own padlock. All of the lockers are individually numbered. Not that you need bother to memorise the number as usually you kind of DO recall the area you stuffed your clothes in. Occasionally you may stuff your key into someone elses lock, but you're usually only 1 or 2 doors down from the right one. So WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY do people need to have something like THIS attached to their padlock????

So an individually numbered locker isn't enough for you? You actually require a toy dog hanging off your padlock in order to remember where your clothes are? Your memory is THAT bad?

Gym Ninja turned away and went to another area of the changing rooms. Somewhere a little less 'childish'.

AHHHHHR!

SERIOUSLY? What the hell is this?

A horrid evil looking floppy butterfly? Who'd even WANT other people to know that this was your locker and floppy butterfly? Look at it's freaky antenna. Euurh. It was no good, Gym Ninja couldn't get changed here. This is worse than the dog. Right, there's no other thing for it....to the far side of the locker room.....

As Gym Ninja rounded the corner, the sight that filled her eyes was hideous.... Not content with a toy dog. NOT content with a floppy butterfly. Some gym user had gone one stage further in the memory-nudging locker technique.....THIS ladies & gentleman, met Gym Ninja's eyes.....

WHERE The HELL do you even BUY one of these? Who buys an ET keyring? WHO buys ET wearing a hoodie??????????????????? Is this some sort of sick joke?

Gym Ninja almost had her workout ruined because of Cuddly Toysville. Had Gym Ninja not partaken in semi-naked jump rope the day before then quite possibly lives would have been lost. People. GET A GRIP! Memorise the number of your locker. It's not hard. if you don't then Gym Ninja will personally go out and buy identical toys and hang them on the lock a few doors away from yours. THEN what use is it? Huh? You go back to the changing rom and there are 17 ETs all in a row. Buggered! Now GET BACK to remembering the number and dispense with these silly silly things.

Pfffft!

Needless to say, the gym session went well as GN had much anger to vent thanks to Cuddly Toysville. Basic compound moves and a few isolation moves to finish with and Gym Ninja was rewarded with quite a good post-workout pump. Good stuff!

So, there is your cobbled together gym based blog post. There would have been more to the actual workout part yet Gym Ninja was too enraged with the kerings to remember what else had occurred. Hmmm, wait. Maybe these things ARE useful as a memory aid? Gym Ninja could hang them off every person she wanted to blog about......?

Right, enough is enough of this silly blog post today. Get back here tomorrow. There may well be a piece on motivation and hot buttons if you're good.....

Toodle pip

Gym Ninja x

Tattoo Ninja

2010-09-12T20:01:00.000+02:00

Dear GOD!
Another non-gym blog post in the Gym Blog. If this is tiresome for you Ninjarettes then merely log out quickly and check back for the next post when it's up as that may well be a meaty gym blog of correct gym-related observations. However if you are, as Gym Ninja assumes you to be, a tad nosy/bored/too lazy to close the window, then carry on reading...........

So......... Gym Ninja was tattooed on Tuesday. Of course Gym Ninja has already twice before been doodled upon by a Tattoo Artist, and as this third tattoo is technically a 'bolt on' to what she already has, does it mean it is in fact 2b? OK, let us call it Tattoo 2b. It was a year almost to the day part 2a was completed and Gym Ninja always wanted to add to it. Every now & then she'd mull over what to do and then get distracted by a nice cup of tea/shoes/disaster....yet for some reason last week, Gym Ninja found herself wandering into the Tattoo Emporium, having a bit of a consultation with Mr Tattoo, and then oopsie, found herself booked into a cancellation slot for 3 days later. Golly!

Now a downside of being tattooed is the time off training. For a gym junkie such as Gym Ninja, this is most traumatic part and is also why you are now suffering from not having a gym blog post. Sweat is pushing out toxins from the body and as the tattoo is in fact a wound until healed, you do not want to go flooding the area with toxins until it is healed. After it is healed? Hell yeh, go cockahoop with your toxin floods. So Gym Ninja carefully constructed a workout programme to follow over the next week or so that will allow some work (such as abs and upper body) yet avoid the lower body and cardio (the lower body being avoided as this is where the tattoo resides). Again it's best not to overtly work/stretch/have clothing such as lycra rub on the tattoo whilst it is in it's healing period for fear of knocking off the scab and taking with it some of the design.

Enjoying the scab/sweat talk so far? Betcha glad you decided to read on? OK, deep breath and carry on.

1pm was soon to come around and in trotted Gym Ninja for her 2 hour slot. Mr Tattoo Man had already drawn up the part of the additional design that was to be 'Tattoo 2b', and once that was positioned, he went a tad 'creative' with his special marker pen, to freehand the rest of the design so it would all tie in. At this point is was fair to say Gym Ninja felt a bit like a notepad next to the telephone that you doodle on?

"Would you mind if I take a snap of the ink & tattoo needle before you begin?" Asked Gym Ninja, her cute face in place.

Mr Tattoo Man looked unimpressed and scowled a bit as Gym Ninja leaned over and took a snap. Dear GOD. Do not p*ss off your tattooist before he starts. BAD idea! Anyhow, here it is. Looks like a kids painting area!

Originally when Tattoo 2a was inked a year ago, Gym Ninja had wondered if it was a tad too large? Now here she was, doubling the size of it. Greedy Gym Ninja! But the design looked great so Gym Ninja took up her position on the tattoo bed, iPhone glued into her hand, and waited for him to begin.

Bless Mr Tattoo Man for having to get that close to Gym Ninja's semi naked body and make small talk at the same time. However Gym Ninja was delighted to see that, 12 months on from her last visit, Mr Tattoo Man had seen the light and become one of the Apple Elite. Yes, he too now owned an iPhone. SPLENDID! Thus followed some App swapping whilst Mr Tattoo Man tore into Gym Ninja's flesh with his needle.
OK, so maybe not 'tore into'....
Gym Ninja is being dramatic for the readers enjoyment. Tattoos are friendly gentle things that merely dance across the body, scattering their inky deposits TO THE BONE! OK OK,so no, not really to the bone. There is that drama again. Gym Ninja enjoys the tattooing experience to be fair and if it hadn't been for Mr Tattoo Man holding Gym Ninja in conversation as he inked her skin then she'd most likely have fallen asleep. This is the thing with Gym Ninja. Put her in a lying position and she'll most likely fall asleep within 3 minutes unless you speak to her.

It was quite interesting to swap App suggestions with a Tattoo Artist. Would this be the day that Mr Tattoo Man was to learn about 'Talking Carl'? the App that repeats what you say in a cartoon voice? Er....nope. Maybe not. Laughing Tattoo Artists are not desirable when they are in the middle of inking an outline. However Gym Ninja did share TV Catch Up and WhatsApp with Mr Tattoo Man and he returned the favour by showing her a free movie site to view on the iPhone, plus an App that allowed him to link his guitar through his phone like an amp.

Marvelous.

After the App swapping session, Gym Ninja decided to ask Mr Tattoo Man some probing tattoo-related questions, and examples of a few of these are below.

GN: "So, do you prefer the outline bit or colouring in bit the most?"

Mr Tattoo Man: "You make it sound like crayons!"

GN: "Bet you hate it when people want a horse tattoo as they are SO hard to draw?"

Mr Tattoo Man: "Er, I had to do a tattoo of a horses face recently. It turned out OK".

GN: "Do you ever feel like tattooing in a hidden message on football club tattoos?"

Mr Tattoo Man: "No, not unless I want to be a the bottom of a river wearing concrete boots!"

Gym Ninja learned a lot that day. It's always interesting meeting people like Mr Tattoo Man, as he also deals with the public day in day out, & shares similar characteristics to Gym Ninja when it comes to 'debriefing' at the end of the day, so to speak. The thing with meeting people every hour of the day and adapting your small talk to suit the person, is that it can be very tiring mentally. So when you get home, all you wan to do is close the door and not talk to anyone. Turns out Mr Tattoo Man is also a kindred spirit when it comes to not answering the front door if you're not expecting anyone! After all, if you've not invited them then there cannot possibly be any requirement for them to be at your door huh?

After about 2 hours, Gym Ninja's new tattoo was complete. There was a bit of an awkward moment when Mr Tattoo Man, roll of cling film in hand, couldn't quite figure out how he would wrap up the area, but with some assistance from Gym Ninja and a bit of apologising from Mr Tattoo Man for 'manhandling' Gym Ninja, the area was covered and 'aftercare' instructions doled out.

So now Gym Ninja is allowing the tattoo to heal. At the point of posting this blog, it is technically Day 6 (if you count the actual day) and bits of skin are flaking off (in the colours inked which is rather pretty) and the tattoo is healing nicely. All the same, Gym Ninja is erring on the side of caution and has only just done some cardio today in the form of 30 mins jump rope (well, Gym Ninja maybe should wait a bit longer, however was going insane without her endorphins). How do people NOT exercise? They must feel lousy!

OK, non-gym post complete. Now be off with you all. Just because Gym Ninja isn't at 100% workout intensity that's no reason for you all to slack off now is it? ;)

Gym Ninja x

Nutrition Ninja & the Polyester Boys

2010-09-09T23:59:00.000+02:00

Today Gym Ninja attended a course entitled 'Advanced Nutrition of Physical Performance'. It was a 1 day course that would cover nutritional information and sports supplementation to, well, enhance physical performance (hence the name of the course). Running late, Gym Ninja hot-footed it into the venue location. No need for fitness gear today as it was merely a series of lectures, so Gym Ninja dressed as a 'girl' in a little cute black dress and knee boots.

The course tutor turned out to be one of Gym Ninja's Personal Trainer examiners. He greeted Gym Ninja warmly and then announced that everyone on the course should follow him to the classroom. Gym Ninja stood up.....as did just two others.

WHAT?

Only 3 on the course?

Not only that, but the other two were male, and dressed head to toe in ghetto fabulous shellsuits. EEEK! Polyester sportswear at it's very worst! Gym Ninja looked down at her girl dress and boots, and looked back at the men in their Polyester clothes. Why, Gym Ninja was some sort of chameleon surely the way she manages to blend into every crowd wherever she goes....ahem.

The two Polyester Boys stared at Gym Ninja, horrified that a girl was in their midsts. How could this be? A GIRL interested in sports nutrition and supplementation? In total silence all three trailed after the tutor to the classroom and Gym Ninja, first into the classroom, headed towards a seat and sat down. The Polyester Boys followed Gym Ninja, and then sat next to each other, leaving a very noticeable gap between themselves and Gym Ninja in her natural fabrics. Mixing well so far!!!!!

The tutor decided the class (such that it was) needed to introduce themselves. Polyester Boy 1 (PB1) began. He was some sort of coach for a 2nd division football team. PB1 seemed impressed at his own status and wore his logo'd football club polyester with apparent pride. Polyester Boy 2 (PB2) then introduced himself. He was a Personal Trainer locally. At least, that's what Gym Ninja THINKS he said? His accent was so guttural she may have misinterpreted him clearing out a build up of phlegm? His physique certainly didn't indicate he was a PT, but hey, it takes all sorts eh? Then it was Gym Ninja's turn. She introduced herself as a Personal Trainer, and was then interrupted by the tutor who explained to The Polyester Boys that GN was a graduate and 'One of the best Personal Trainers we saw'.

Gym Ninja glowed with pride at this comment, secretly taking it to be a coded message and in fact meaning that she was in fact THE BEST PT they'd ever had, and smiled at the Polyester Boys and tutor. The Polyester Boys, noticing that Gym Ninja had made eye contact with them, quickly looked at the surface of the desk. Great.

And so the course began. The first lecture was Physiological Pathways behind Optimal Energy and was basically a bit of a chemistry lesson covering such conversational gems as Glycolysis, Kreb's Cycle, Oxidative Phosphorylation, Amino Acid Breakdown, Beta Oxidation and the ATP-PC system. This was where Gym Ninja and the Polyester Boys learned that Lactic Acid is our friend and trying to help us prevent extreme acidosis. Aww, Lactic Acid you sweetie you!

Following a break where Gym Ninja & The Polyester Boys parted company in total silence, the group returned for the next lecture before lunch: Nutrient Needs For Maximal Performance'. In a nut shell this involved a structured lecture of proposed macronutrient percentages, with a disclaimer saying that it actually does vary from individual to individual. This threw up such informative gems as:

Females are better adapted at using fat as fuel than men.

Runners on a low fat diet will reduce their performance & are better on a medium to high fat diet.

Carb loading over 4 days (60-75% carbs) before exercise only saw any discernible benefit in performance at over 85% of VO2 Max in men, and ABSOLUTELY ZERO benefit in women, thus leading them to the statement that Carb Loading is a waste of time.

Wow. That last fact was actually extremely interesting! No more binges whilst pretending you are carb-loading people! Another myth blown out of the water is that there is a particular ideal one macronutrient (such as carbs only or protein only) pre-workout meal to have? In fact studies show that all 3 macronutrients in ideally a 40:40:20 ratio (with protein being 20%) is the best option.

Then the lecture moved on to specific macronutrients, and all too soon protein was brought up. PB1 interjected with a question. He asked the tutor about pre-football protein ingestion, as according to a rep from CNP who came to chat with him and the team, it was beneficial if they all down 6 of the test-tube style protein shots EACH prior to a game.

Gym Ninja looked at PB1. Do not say it Gym Ninja. Do not point it out. PB1 has obviously lived with his naivety for years, so why ruin it now?

"Er, do you think maybe he was saying that as he is a sales rep & trying to get you to buy the product?"

AHHHR! Gym Ninja said it! PB1 turned to look at Gym Ninja, remembered she was a GIRL, quickly looked away and then nodded, the slow dawning realisation creeping over him. Yep. That'd be it. It was a sales pitch.

Meanwhile PB2 was casting sneaky sideways glances over at Gym Ninja. Gym Ninja turned to look back at him, only to see his head snap back in the opposite direction. This, ladies and gentlemen, was to happen CONTINUALLY for the duration of the day.

So, ending with the 'bomb shell' (hardly) that protein intake accounts for 12% of energy production, the intrepid three were allowed 45 minutes break for lunch. The three left the room in complete silence. JEEEZ it was like being in a library. If it hadn't have been for the rustle of polyester then Gym Ninja would have assumed she had gone deaf......

Gym Ninja left the building and headed out to track down some sushi. But what was this? Gym Ninja had stumbled upon some sort of Sheepdog Trial surely from the sound of the GODDAM WHISTLES that were being heard? Why? WHY whistle? Here's the question. What if Gym Ninja RESPONDED to your whistle? What if Gym Ninja stopped, turned around, smiled at you for whistling and the RAN AFTER YOU? Seriously, why???????
Pfft!

After lunch Gym Ninja returned to the classroom. The Polyester Boys were already seated and chatting quietly. As Gym Ninja walked into the room, the PBs stopped talking, looked at the desk and went quiet.

Great.

Once the tutor returned, the afternoon lectures on Legal Performance Aids (Sports Supplements) began. Now this was of real interest to Gym Ninja, and so the group learned about the differing types of whey protein manufacture and how ion exchange whey differs from Hydrolyzed Whey, how the manufacturers disguise the addition of MSG and 'other stories'. At this point, Gym Ninja began to ask questions, such as the benefits of cold pressed whey. The two Polyester Boys looked alarmed. The GIRL was asking a question about protein! Then, when there followed a conversation about brands, (and when the tutor asked if anyone took any protein supplements), the Polyester Boys virtually self-combusted when Gym Ninja said that she favoured the Maximuscle range. The tutor seemed interested. He too liked the range but had favoured PhD. The Polyester Boys sat in silence (no surprise there then) as Gym Ninja and the tutor chatted about how marvelous Cyclone was, and flavours of protein (choc mint being the best).

Very soon the group moved on to Casein protein. This is a slower released protein that whey and is ideal for before bed as it almost drip-feeds protein into you.

"CNP do a Protein Pudding thats a mix of whey and casein" Said Gym Ninja when the tutor asked if anyone knew of any brands that offered casein. PB1 nearly collapsed on the table at this point.

Then, as the discussions progressed, the group covered Creatine supplementation (and how it is named from the Greek word KREAS That means flesh), and energy drinks and their benefits/pitfalls. Gym Ninja also learned that Taurine had originally been discovered in 1827 in Ox Bile. Mmmmm, Ox bile! This is why Red Bull (containing Taurine) is so named apparently. A throwback private joke reference to the old Ox Bile.

By the end of the course, it came to the section whereby the tutor asked if anyone had any questions? The Polyester Boys looked at the desk. Well, to be truthful PB2 switched between surreptitious sideways glances at Gym Ninja (yep, Gym Ninja was STILL a girl PB2) and his desk. All in total silence. Hmm, maybe he DID have a build up of phlegm after all? Causing muteness? So Gym Ninja asked the tutor about BCAA supplementation before/during/after a workout, and also about supplementation with ZMA (a bit pointless apparently as calcium blocks the uptake of ZMA so you'd have to go without any calcium in order to benefit according to the tutor). The Polyester Boys at this point were SO startled that smoke started to come out from their shell suits. Uh oh! Self combustion of man-made fabrics due to incredulity induced 'hot under the collar-itis'. Poor boys!!!!! Gym Ninja had better shut up.

The course wrapped up and off Gym Ninja went, out of the silence of the Polyester Clad World of the classroom and into the outdoor world of natural fabrics and conversational chatter. Dear GOD, please let there be men of more conversational skills on the next course? PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

Gym Ninja x

Busy Ninja

2010-09-07T22:02:00.000+02:00

Gym Ninja has been a busy Ninja of late. Meetings here and there and of course the essential Gym sessions. Heaven forbid that Gym Ninja become Chubby Ninja!
A few days ago, Gym Ninja had to hurtle across to a different city for a business meeting. 'Advice' would be given on how to source grants for the business, and then GN would be free to return to the place she loves the most. Failing the fact that she may not be able to get a last minute flight to Vegas, Gym Ninja would instead then have to make do with the gym....

Gym Ninja decided that as the sun was shining she would 'girl it up' a bit for the meeting and donned a cute black dress. Heels were set at the standard 4" minimum heel height, perhaps not so practical for rail travel, yet Gym Ninja laughs in the face of public transport. Sauntering towards the train Gym Ninja passed a group of young lads, one of whom had his shirt off and was displaying what could only be likened to a pipe cleaner for a torso. Same colour too.

"Phwoah, she's well fit, I'd do her!" Snorted Pipe Cleaner Boy.

THIS Is why Gym Ninja does not do public transport. Generic ratings of hotness from random weedy men, plus no opportunity to point out that he would never get a chance to 'do' Gym Ninja.

Once at the venue for the meeting, Gym Ninja waited to be greeted. A short woman appeared from behind a door. Well, she was in a room behind the door, not just standing 'behind a door'. That'd just be weird.

"Oooh, I'm intimidated already!" Laughed the Small Woman, holding her hands up in mock terror as Gym Ninja walked towards her.

"You look lovely I mean!", She explained.

Pfft! Gym Ninja must remember to never again wear the dress in public. It attracts too many random comments from strangers. The meeting went well, apart from the moment when Gym Ninja suggested that Small Woman may wish to hire her as her Personal Trainer? This time the pantomime hands of terror were genuine. What did she think? That Gym Ninja would insist she drop and give her 20? Gym Ninja would not do that. She'd start her on 10.

Later that evening Gym Ninja headed to the gym (no last minute Vegas flights available). It would be GNs final decent gym session before she would be inked and so it needed to be a good one. Unfortunately the workout failed to start well as Gym Ninja had donned a new sports top and it was crushing Gym Ninja's 'Twins' with a vice like grip.

People take heed! Not all lycra has the same stretch factor! Some lycra tries to compress the breath out of you like a Boa Constrictor.

So struggling to stay alive despite the best efforts of the killer lycra, Gym Ninja began her workout.

Well it wouldn't be a Ninja workout if the odd body folk didn't show up now would it? Sure enough, Gym Ninja found herself swiftly checking through the window to double-check the Mother Ship wasn't hovering nearby? After all, what other explanation was there for such a mixed bag of faces at the gym today????? No sign of a Mother Ship, so Gym Ninja checked the car park for corn circles just to be on the safe side (or tarmac circles as they would obviously be). Nope. Cannot possibly be an alien invasion after all........

Ignoring the woman with the overhanging browbone (Bride of Frankenstein) Gym Ninja tried to get on with her workout. That was until......

AHHHHR!

Gym Ninja's eyes were bleeding! It was only HOT PANT COUGAR! An older woman who wears hot pants rather too 'hot'. Not only that, but she chooses to do her barbell Good Mornings in the middle of the gym, her 'business end' as it were, faced directly towards the men. That'd be the men with the wide eyes, gawping mouths and uncomfortable 'stance'. Gym Ninja tried to look away, and yet the pull of Hot Pant Cougar was too much. Like a lycra clad black hole (ewww) it pulled anyone nearby towards it.

MAKE.IT.GO.AWAY.

With great force, Gym Ninja managed to divert her eyes and look away, and just as she did so saw a poor innocent (well, not so much now) Teenager walking as if in a daze towards the direction of Hot Pant Cougar, his eyes wide, his walk unstable, his mouth slightly foaming. Oh no. This was NO time for Hot Pant Cougar to switch to the lying hamstring curl....

Luckily, Gym Ninja was swiftly distracted from the sight of Lamb To The Slaughter (the teen) being drawn towards the black hole that is Hot Pant Cougar, by a guy in a Rooney Shirt.

REALLY?

Right at this exact moment in time you want to walk around in a Rooney shirt huh? Now Gym Ninja had horrid thoughts of recent events in her mind, Quick...where was the Bride of Frankenstein when you needed a distraction eh????

Gym Ninja x

Clumsy Ninja, Blind Snoopy and other stories.

2010-09-04T19:22:00.000+02:00

Hello sweet little Ninjarettes and welcome back again. gym Ninja is surprised to see you after the previous' Open Ninja' post, as even she was bored by typing it! Bless you all.

Yep, Gym Ninja is known for her clumsy ways. Even Gym Ninja's cats are aware of this clumsiness. This is possibly due to the fact they are often on the receiving end of it. Imagine if you will the size of a tiny cat paw on the floor. It barely overhangs their little legs in terms of how far it protrudes no? Yet how is it that Gym Ninja manages to step on the paw so often (by accident of course)?

Off Gym Ninja went to the gym. Now recently Gym Ninja's gym bag had broken a zip or two. They'd just kind of 'burst' of their own accord, which meant that occasionally mid traipse across the car park or changing rooms, Gym Ninja's BCAA supplements would make a leap for freedom diving to the floor and making GN appear to be some sort of druggie. Then of course there was the regular 'Crap! I spilled my protein powder all over the vanity area' clumsiness that further backed up the regular opinion that Gym Ninja was indeed some sort of junkie and was perhaps wanting to do a few lines post workout....?

Today, the Clumsies were bad though.Once Gym Ninja was warmed up, she'd headed to the treadmill to begin an interval session. Within 3 minutes she felt a ping.
Oh no.
Nothing worse than feeling something ping when running. Nooooooooooo!

But fear not Ninjarettes, it wasn't a tendon or muscle. Oh no. It was the strap of Gym Ninja's Sports Bra. Having finally given up on the heavy duty task assigned to it, the strap had decided enough was enough and it just unpinged itself and started flailing around. What to do???? Gym Ninja could not possibly continue to run whilst incorrectly restrained. Gym Ninja does NOT wish to suffer from 'Blind Snoopy Syndrome'... (Gym Ninja will wait until all you innocents go and ask someone more worldy as to what a Blind Snoopy is, assuming you cannot guess?). There was no other thing for it. Gym Ninja would have to abort the run, try & fix up the suicidal sports bra and continue a lower-impact workout. Pfft!

Once the Sports Bra was temporarily repaired, Gym Ninja exited the changing rooms via the spiral staircase. Now protocol is that when about to use the spiral staircase from either below or above, one should scan the area. If another person is already ON the staircase, then the polite and sensible thing to do is to wait until they have ascended/descended & then begin your own trip. Gym Ninja did all the rudimentary checks. Scanning upwards, the stairway was clear. Gym Ninja began her ascent of the spiral staircase into the gym..

Half way up the staircase, it began to shake. No, it was not another sports bra snapping, but instead the lead-shod feet of a woman who had apparently not received the unspoken rule of spiral staircase etiquette and had begun her heavy-footed descent towards Gym Ninja.

PANIC!

This was a SPIRAL STAIRCASE for God's sake. Was Elephant Feet suicidal in her mission?

Apparently not.

Elephant Feet was instead a big staircase bully and immediately took the wide side, forcing Gym Ninja to take the risky narrow tippy-toe side that for some reason has NO handrail. Why no handrail on the most dangerous side of the spiral staircase? Was this a form of Survival of The Fittest? Only the thickos take the narrow side and therefore plunge to their death, thus weeding out the thickos and leaving a more sensible gene pool? Well Gym Ninja was far from a thicko yet had two options. Take the tippy-toe side or be trampled under the rather well-upholstered woman that was Elephant Feet. It was a close call. Gym Ninja felt her right foot slip into the chasm as Elephant Feet thundered past, yet quickly regained her balance and made it safely, albeit shaken, to the top.

As if in some way to make up for this trauma, The Gym Gods were now smiling down upon Gym Ninja and to her left she was offered the vision of a super-fit man performing burpees. A rare sight indeed in Gym Ninja's gym. A fit man, let alone someone doing an exercise that involved a bit of effort. Now Gym Gods, if you would just sort it that Burpee Boy's clothes fall off then Gym Ninja will be eternally grateful.....

But no.

The Gym Gods are fickle in their nature. They decided that having widened Gym Ninja's pupils with the delightful sight of Burpee Boy, they would then burn off the retinas by offering up a view of today's Hydropool. Gym Ninja is in the habit of looking down through the window to view the pool in order to help her decide whether to partake in a bit of communal bubbling? So it was without much thought that Gym Ninja cast her gaze towards the pool area.

Sweet Mary mother of Jesus! In the Hydropool was one of the world's greatest mysteries.

Big Foot!

Big Foot was there, in the Hydrpool, bubbling away, his fur all soggy and splaying out somewhat as the water foamed around him. Next to him was a naked pudgy man with his nose underlined. Or, as some may prefer to call it, 'a moustache'.

Opposite Big Foot and Pudgy were three teenage boys of about 15 or 16 years old. All gangly and hunched forwards, their hair cut to look like velcro. Gym Ninja was a bit concerned that should they hunch towards each other any more that their velcro hairstyles would lock together causing a Hydropool calamity!

HOW on EARTH was Gym Ninja supposed to don a bikini and step into that foamy selection of oddballs? No, no no, this would NEVER do. What if Gym Ninja's Twins were hellbent on making a dash for freedom and not content in the failed Sports Bra Suicide mission, instead chose to burst forth in the Hydropool? One of Big Foot's yeti hairs may slap itself onto Gym Nina's exposed flesh, and the commotion may cause all three of the Velcro Boys to curl so far forwards to see naked Ninja that they'd forever be in a headlock with each other? Not only that, but Gym Ninja could now see a woman with what appeared to be a Mexican Wave ripple effect under her swimming costume now lowering herself into the water. Really Gym Gods, is there any need for such a selection in one pool?

Gym Ninja instead decided to make do with her weight session, and despite a few clumsy yet now typical incidents, (such as walking into a barbell, slipping on an abandoned mat and banging her head on a wayward cable attachment) left the gym without the Hydropool Experience....

Gym Ninja x

Open Ninja

2010-09-03T01:52:00.000+02:00

Ok, so this isn't quite a ladylike blog title now is it?

Gym Ninja herself wasn't open. No. Gym Ninja had been invited to participate in a 'Ladies Only' Open Evening and it was an opportunity to promote GN's soon-to-be-launched PT business. It would cost Gym Ninja nothing, other than 2 hours of her time. What is that in the great scheme of things? Why it is an opportunity, that is what it is!

The Open Evening was to be held at a Showroom of a well-known car dealers locally. All their female existing and potential new buyers were invited to attend to view the girly range of cars and to stuff a few ill-chosen food-shaped nutrient free lumps into their mouths. As they circled the balloon adorned cars, they would also be able to mooch at the carefully chosen (for maximum stereotypical effect) businesses that may 'also appeal'. This included a Make Up Company, The Body Shop (high street products not the re-spray car repairs), a jeweller and yours truly, Gym Ninja. Alongside these girly companies were a representative of the RAC and the Police.

Wow.

Betcha wish you had an invite huh? No need for Gym Ninja to tell you that the balloons were pink either really is there?

Now Gym Ninja had wangled an invite as Mum Ninja knew the organiser. It would cost nothing and who knows what may come of it? So Gym Ninja packed up some flyers, business cards and a file showing some Testimonials and off she went.

The Car Show room was nothing to write home about. A cute convertible prettied up with balloons and a few tables scattered around the edges for the various stereotypes to set their wares on. Gym Ninja was on the table next to the policeman and the RAC man who were both sat looking bored.

Within minutes a girl had cannon-balled over to Gym Ninja. An old school friend by all accounts. Apparently Gym Ninja has 'changed' (after much looking up & down of her body). This was the best opener that the old school chum could muster up.

REALLY?
Changed you say? From the school days over a decade ago? Fancy!

"Ha ha, can you get me a body like yours?" Laughed the school friend, nodding towards Gym Ninja.

"Yes'" Replied Gym Ninja.

The school friend looked taken aback, looked at her watch and then making her excuses, almost ran across the showroom from whence she came. Ahh, the fear of hard work had sent her scurrying off.

As the open event began to fill up, Gym Ninja couldn't help but notice that the moment the guests realised that there was a Personal Trainer in the room, that they cut out the corner where GN was. Usually this was done in an obvious manner. A couple of women would wander slowly past the tables, mooching at the jewellery and make up, then turn around, see the Personal Trainer, recoil in horror, look down at their paper plate piled high with sausage rolls, sandwiches, crisps and a token cupcake, glance back at Gym Ninja, grasp the arm of their friend and quickly scuttle away.

Hmm.

Unfortunately for everyone, fitness is NOT contagious. What did these women think would happen? That Gym Ninja would leap over the table, wrestle their plate from their hands, stamp on it then force them to drop and give her 20? Dear GOD people!

Eventually, a few interested (or merely confused?) ladies came over to Gym Ninja.

"Oooh, a Personal Trainer huh?" Said an older woman with white hair and bottle top glasses. The woman gave Gym Ninja's body the once-over.

"Of course I assume there are age limitations?" She simpered, pushing a cake into her mouth.

Gym Ninja was having none of it! After a brief yet seemingly affective pep talk about age being no limit/use it or lose it and so on, Gym Ninja soon had the woman filling in her details and entering the prize draw to win a month of free torture at the very hands of Gym Ninja. Mwahahaha!

Within 10 minutes the policeman had wandered over for a chat. He was dressed in 'civvies' and was muttering about how many times he'd been asked to show a woman a car.

"They think I'm a bloody car salesman!" He muttered, scowling.

Gym Ninja nodded sympathetically.

"I'm simply here to talk to them about personal security. I mean, some of the have NO commons sense. If you're going to leave your handbag on the passenger seat of a car in a dodgy part of town then do not be surprised if it gets stolen." He shook his head with a 'would you believe it' look on his face.

One of the showroom staff walked past Gym Ninja's table with a tray of wine.

"Oooh aren't you good drinking water? Can you get me a body like yours?" She smiled, as she walked past Gym Ninja, her eyes telling a different story. The smile may have said 'good' yet the eyes said 'weirdo'. Gee thanks. The old 'body like yours' line again.

Meanwhile at the table opposite, the make up artist was attempting to make a silk purse out of a sows ear. She was daubing on some industrial strength make up onto a woman who's eyebrows were blatantly a stranger to tweezers. It was fascinating, as the more make up the woman added, the closer to Les Dawson the victim became.

A few more brave ladies eventually sauntered over to speak with Gym Ninja and marvel at the 'Before & After' testimonial file. Would you readers care to guess the most popular comment that came from their lips? Yup!....

"Can you get me a body like yours?" One of the ladies said, laughing and nudging her friends as she did so.
The friends also laughed.
"Yeh, I'd like a body like yours too. Can you get me a body like yours?"

Pfft!

"Yes". Replied Gym Ninja.

Again, their faces fell, terrified of being roped in to some hard work at the gym and then they swiftly moved on. Seriously, if you don't WANT a body like Gym Ninja's then don't ask the question.

After the sudden flurry of interest had passed, along came the RAC man.

"So, er, how much do you charge?" He enquired, whilst pretending to read a flyer. Had he only have realised the flyer in question was a price list then perhaps Gym Ninja needn't have given him one of her 'looks'? However Gym Ninja should probably be grateful that HE didn't ask the 'Can I have a body like yours' line.

"I could probably do with this you know, as it's so hard when driving around all day." RAC man rolled his eyes whilst rubbing his substantial belly and stuffing another sandwich into his mouth. Gym Ninja nodded, told him to keep the price list and to give her a call if he wanted a consultation. He would, of course, be required to leave the sandwich elsewhere should he decide to book in? Meanwhile, in the background, the policeman was busy explaining to a couple of elderly ladies that he wasn't actually a car salesman....they appeared confused.

As the evening wound down, the policeman came back over and handed Gym Ninja a pen.

"Here you go." He muttered. 'Have one of these. You may think it's a normal pen, but I can assure you it's not. It's a Security marker. You can mark all your stuff with your post code. Shows up in a special light so when it's found it can be returned to you. That's assuming it ever DOES get found of course..."

OMG the world's most pessimistic policeman!

After 2 hours the event wound up and everyone began to pack up and leave. More ladies trailed past Gym Ninja's table, guiltily holding up their plates of junk food and glasses of wine and giving GN their best 'Ooops, ah well what can you do?' face, with the odd 'Can you get me a body like yours' comment chucked in for good measure.

*sigh*

Why ask? WHY ask? if you feel guilty and are at the stage when you know it's starting to be detrimental to your health, then why carry on when faced with an opportunity to ask for help and advice? Advice is free. Motivation is offered as standard.

But then Gym Ninja was completely distracted from this heartfelt soul searching when Les Dawson teetered past.......

Gym Ninja x

The Gym Gods

2010-08-30T11:39:00.000+02:00

Happy Bank Holiday.

Gym Ninja has been a tad busy (aka 'slack') hence the lack of blogging, but feels you need a Bank Holiday blog to cheer you all up. Saves you stuffing cake or other treats down your neck, as now you don't have to. You have this to read. Gym Ninja spoils you all, she really does.

Let us blog about an earlier workout last week eh? Why not. Just because Gym Ninja was slack on the blogging front this doesn't mean she ended up skipping the gym. Nosireebob she didn't. Business as usual. So with her bag packed off Gym Ninja went to her second home.

Arriving at the gym, Gym Ninja stepped all of five steps into the gym before managing to jam herself in the turnstile. To clarify, it was the gym bag that snagged on the turnstile and jammed it and in no way any part of Gym Nina's body that messed up the graceful entrance into the club. Of course GN had to panic and try and drag herself through for a minute or two, whilst being firmly chained into position in a 'you're not going anyway' kind of a way. Gym Ninja is certain the person behind her watching the poor mans Houdini show was rather relieved when Gym Ninja did manage to pop herself out (in a turnstile-related way and not a wardrobe malfunction way).

The day before, Gym Ninja had dined out at the place that sends Chickens into a cold sweat. Nandos. Not only that, she'd been a tad 'pig faced-ish' and ordered a giant Macho Pea dish along with a whole chicken. Quite remarkable that whole chickens now consist of 4 legs and no body? Anyhow, this meant that Gym Ninja needed to work this sucker off, as nobody loves a Fat Ninja now do they?

With the lycra in place, Gym Ninja stomped over to the treadmill, warmed up and decided to get straight down to business and fire off some cardio. Again, just to remind you people who mutter about doing weight training before cardio, Gym NInja has tried this way too and her body responds better to cardio first, with the weights as the proverbial iron carrot at the end as her reward.

SPRINT INTERVALS! Sprint intervals to make your eyes water and any remnants of the 4-legged chicken that remain undigested want to pop back up. Cute! Gym Ninja is an evil girl and takes no prisoners, even herself. After 30 minutes of work, it was time to sponge herself down & check the area for regurgitated chicken beaks (apologies to anyone using the treadmill after that particular workout) & go claim her reward. A weights session.

Unfortunately, The Gym Gods did not want Gym Ninja to have a productive session without distraction. A productive session WITH distractions yes. That was on the cards, and within 5 minutes of weight training Gym Ninja was met with her first distraction.

PC Plod.

Yes, Gym Ninja has mentioned this girl before. She rocks up in what Gym Ninja would class as a 'decorating outfit'. The kind of clothes most people wear to emulsion their homes in? Old baggy worn out grey marl jogging bottoms and a faded black slightly shrunken Rock band Tour Date T Shirt. Of course Gym Ninja doesn't decorate in such outfits. No!!! Gym Ninja wears cute little shorts, legwarmers and a strappy top when decorating, as the less fabric about the better seeing as GN tends to always manage to step into/sit in/back into the paint....

So, where were we? Ah yes, PC Plod. She was busy rattling off what could only be classed as 'Ello Ello Ello' knee bends. Feet about 6 inches apart, toes turned out, dumbbells in either hand making rapid shallow knee bends. We're talking about 2-3 knee bends per second for about 50 reps, before stopping and repeating again. Great. Rapid faffy movements that catch the corner of Gym Ninja's eye when she's trying to push heavy dumbbells above her head. Marvelous!!!!

Looking away and trying to refocus on her own workout, Gym Ninja was then met with the sight of Smurf. A girl who was working out whilst wearing a pink Smurf Hat.

REALLY?

Is that actually necessary?

Be gone Smurf! You are also too distracting as now Gym Ninja is too busy wondering what made you see that lying on the shelf in a shop & want to pick it up? Not only that, what then made you decide to put it on your head, in full view of other shoppers? Oh and to actually THINK it was a good look for you? For anyone? Even the Smurfs are hard pushed to pull that look off and they are cartoons.

Gym Ninja screwed her eyes up momentarily to block out the Smurf, and then opened them again....only to be met with.........

SMURF!

She'd walked over to the space in front of Gym Ninja whilst GN was too busy being dramatic and screwing her eyes up, & was now busy taking away the dumbbells that Gym Ninja was super-setting with. None of this 'Are you using these' malarkey from Smurf. Oh no. The dumbbells were obviously hers to claim. Bloody Smurfs!

Not content with these two distractions, The Gym Gods offered up the next distraction. The Mimic. Now The Mimic is just that. A person who copies every single move you do about 10 seconds after you begin your set, like a weight training echo. So now we had there areas Gym Ninja could not look. The PC Plod area, the Smurf area and now The Mimic area. Pffft!

Any more things on offer Gym Gods?

Why of COURSE there were. Cue Daisy Duke. The girl in the shortest shorts ever created and seemingly hellbent on performing deadlifts (with poor form too). Whoa!
Nobody needs to see your stuffing Miss Daisy Duke! Put it away!

Sadly, Gym Ninja had to run the gauntlet of distractions whilst trying to crank out her own workout. PC Plod, Smurf, The Mimic and now Daisy Duke, all circling Gym Ninja and making it exceedingly difficult to concentrate without catching sight of one of them. It was with great relief that finally Gym Ninja completed her session, stretched out to finish and made her way from the gym.

But the Gym Gods had one last distraction in store.

ROADKILL!

Roadkill was just lying there, supine, in the middle of the floor, outstretched and motionless. Not even near the edges of the room, or tucked out of the way. Nope. Slap bang in the middle of the route out of the gym. No mat. No apparent reason for being there either. Gym Ninja could see that Roadkill was breathing and blinking and seemingly on the floor by choice, but all the same, decided not to check on her as even if she were OK, Gym Ninja didn't particularly wish to engage in a conversation with someone who thought this would be acceptable behaviour in a public place. Gingerly stepping around Roadkill, Gym Ninja exited the gym, managing successfully NOT to jam herself into the turnstile, whilst cursing the smirking Gym Gods for their twisted & successful attempts at distracting GN from her goal........

Now, put that GODDAM biscuit down Ninjarettes & get yourselves off to the gym today. No slacking........

Gym Ninja x

London Ninja Episode 2

2010-08-24T12:26:00.000+02:00

Welcome back.

Surprised that Gym Ninja actually did post the second half without leaving you all in suspense?

Oh ye of little faith! Gym Ninja knows none of you would sleep had you not been able to read the next thrilling installment.

So, where were we? Ah yes, Gym Ninja was sat in a very large office having failed to remember any of the impressive things that may encourage Mr Important to offer Gym Ninja this fantastic opportunity. She had failed a 50/50 guessing game on which football team to choose and had slated the accent that Mr Important loves the most.

Splendid!

Casual chat followed, and Gym Ninja did end up getting on OK with Mr Important, but by the end of the meeting she also had the impression that the moment had passed... Well, when you say things like that and you realise that the notes that Mr Important were making about you barely fill all of 4 lines in his book then you cannot be surprised when he then states what the next stage would be....and then immediately throws in the sentence,

"But that's not to say you ARE Invited back."

Yeh gee thanks.

So with yet another damp double cheek kiss goodbye, Gym Ninja hauled her suitcase down the long flight of stairs and retraced her teetering footsteps back to the station, onto the overground, and headed back to Euston.

Uh oh! Tube time! Now Gym Ninja had NO intention of getting on the tube in the attire she was wearing, so paid 30p to nip to the loo and do a quick 'superman' change of outfits.

Ahh, hmm, right. Gym Ninja had forgotten that in the original packing list there were no shoes appropriate for tube travel as tube travel was not supposed to happen. So with a wry smile, a now denim-clad Gym Ninja took off her purple 5" heels...and replaced them with some equally impractical black 5" heels.... Now, off to battle the London Underground....

OMG what IS It with staircases in London? Gym Ninja had yet again another challenge ahead. To drag her trolley case down flights of stairs all covered in slippery London Underground tiles, MID rush hour, as Londoners were doing their mega fast hustle walk around her. Gym Ninja was now somewhat fearful that if she were to suddenly stop in a confused manner, then she may well end up pregnant by the men walking far too closely behind her....

"The Black Line, The Black Line, The Black Line.....Platform 2" Chanted Gym Ninja to herself. A train pulled up and Gym Ninja climbed on in. She managed to drag her case through the carriage and plonked herself down in an empty seat. Opposite her was a woman with eyes like saucers who was smirking at Gym Ninja. BACK OFF Crazy Saucer Eye Lady! Gym Ninja is a Northerner. No smirking necessary here.

4 stops later and Gym Ninja had reached her stop. Again, stairs! AHHHR! Then was the 10 minute walk from the station to the hotel to tackle. Rush hour in London, trolley case doing back flips and playing dead, impossibly high heels and yet again, those bl**dy annoying car horn beeps from drivers. ENOUGH!

Finally Gym Ninja saw the hotel and stuffed herself into the TINY revolving doorway, wedging momentarily 3/4 of the way round before bursting into the reception area. When the kindly Hotel Man offered an upgrade from Deluxe room to Suite for an additional £30, then how on earth was Gym Ninja supposed to refuse? Suite it is!

Squashing into an already full lift, Gym Ninja smugly pressed the button for 7th floor. Pah, HOW annoying that another Lift Person was also travelling to the 7th Floor. Humph! Must have been a bulk offer on suites? But this annoyance was soon forgotten when Gym Ninja walked into her suite. A HUGE corridor, a large bathroom with 2 chrome sinks and a double power shower/steam shower, a walk in wardrobe (where Gym Ninja immediately unpacked her stuff) a king sized bed, a lounge area and.....er...a what appeared to be a TV from the 80s? REALLY?? No flat screen?

Now all Gym Ninja had to do was stir up a quick instant porridge in a pot using the kettle (classy huh?), make herself a cuppa using the 'brought from home' Tetley Decaf teabags (Northerner travelling essentials) and get ready to meet her friend that evening. The friend was meeting Gym Ninja in the bar at the hotel.

AT 8.45pm the phone rang. Reception was announcing the arrival of Gym Ninja's chum. How very grand. So Gym Ninja headed downstairs to meet him.

After greeting each other, Gym Ninja flung down her bag and took a seat. Her chum stared at Gym Ninja's bag which was a small furry handbag.

"Haha, are you liking my rabbit bag?" Joked Gym Ninja.

The guy stared back, a look of disgust on his face.

"I'm a TREE HUGGER remember. Is that SERIOUSLY a rabbit?" He scowled.

Dear GOD! Really?

Thus followed 5 minutes whereby Gym Ninja attempted (unconvincingly for the most part) to convince Tree Hugger that her handbag was in fact faux fur. Gym Ninja wasn't entirely sure he believed her even when she pointed out how terribly unlikely it was that rabbits now had plastic skin like the plastic back of the handbag... Tree Hugger looked grumpy & ever so slightly suspicious.

After such a traumatic conversational opener, Gym Ninja decided to break her teetotal habit completely with just one alcoholic drink. After all, she'd had a busy day. So what did Gym Ninja choose? A single malt. Neat. In fact, make it a double. What else would a teetotal Ninja drink eh? Mmm, tasted good after nearly a year of no booze.

Then of course there was another round, and another, and as Gym Ninja and her chum had lots to talk about (well Gym Ninja rarely goes to London), before she knew it it was 12.30am and the room had gone wobbly! By now, Gym Ninja needed a cuppa yet the bar had closed. So herself and Tree Hugger headed to her suite to put the kettle on. Well, Gym Ninja SAYS she headed up. What in fact happened was that they both got in the lift, pressed button 7, inserted the keycard and waited.....hmm, it was taking AGES... After a few minutes Gym Ninja noticed they were stuck at level 1. So back down they went and tried again. Nope. The lift refused to play. In the end Gym Ninja had to stagger (!) to the reception desk and ask the man at the desk to press the button in the lift for her. HOW embarrassing was that? Let us also not forget that Gym Ninja was with a friend (Tree Hugger) who was MALE. Now the hotel staff didn't know that this was a mere friend. Nope. All they must have seen was a drunken Ninja stuffing a large drunken male into the lift to take him upstairs! :-0

The Gods of Humiliation had also yet to go to bed. How does Gym Ninja know this? Well, upon entry to the hotel suite Gym Ninja was greeted by every single light in the area switched on. The hallway lights, the bathroom lights, the lights by the bed, the lights in the lounge area, the lights over ornaments, the lights in the lounge area oh and not forgetting the lights inside the walk-in wardrobe. Not only that, the TV was still on.

Great.

Imagine if you will Gym Ninja's chum, Tree Hugger, lover of the environment standing in the room, opened mouthed at the sight of Gym Ninja burning up half a rainforest by accident. Cue death Stare off the Tree Hugging Friend..........plus another surreptitious look at the rabbit bag. Needless to say it was the fastest cup of tea Gym Ninja had ever supped before she bode farewell to Mr Grumpy Pants aka Tree Hugger.

The next morning, Gym Ninja was surprisingly hangover-free, and having packed her stuff, went to check out of the suite. Gym Ninja was on route to meet yet another friend before heading back home. At Reception she was greeted with a smile.

"Ah Miss Ninja, did you eat at the bar last night as there is an outstanding bill that just needs to be settled?". At this, the receptionist pushed over a bill with a herrrruge number on it!

AHHHHR!

Gym Ninja had totally forgotten that her and her chum had not paid last night and now here was the entire bar bill, and with only Gym Ninja present, guess who had to pay? Damned Tree Huggers and their non payment of bills!!!!!!

Leaving the hotel many many pounds and pennies lighter, Gym Ninja dragged the ill-behaved trolley case back across London, meeting up with her other friend for a brew. Her friend was also a Northerner yet had sold her soul and gone to live in Laaaandan. Despite this, she has managed to retain her humour and general grumpiness which Gym Ninja finds terribly essential in a person. Let us call this friend 'Miss Tolerant'. Should you know this friend, you'd know how terribly ironic that name is.... ;-)

Miss Tolerant and Gym Ninja sat in Starbucks, whilst Gym Ninja managed to spill and drop all tea-associated stuff before finally getting comfy on the seat. Once the tea and gossip had occurred Miss Tolerant then suggested Gym Ninja nip to Selfridges with her before catching her train? Fab! So off they went...happily walking and gossiping until Gym Ninja's 5" heels, fed up with the challenge that is London paving stones, decided to nearly send her flying, recreating the very picture of a baby giraffe falling, much to the audible gasps from the passers by. Miss Tolerant swiftly moved out of the 'falling zone' just to be safe, before suggesting they instead jump the bus.

Holy schmoly!
The BUS?
Gym Ninja was now all panicky.
After much faffing for bus fare & general confusion and panic about being on a London Bus, the bus driver decided Gym Ninja was far too complicated and unsteady a person to be on his bus and instead waved her on for free. Result! Next stop Selfridges!

YAY! It was CHRISTMAS at Selfridges! How terribly exciting. Miss Tolerant, now skilled at the jaded Londoner face, went off to mooch whilst Gym Ninja dragged her trolley case around the Christmas Department. Ooh look, red glittery reindeer. How cute!

Gym Ninja picked up a reindeer just as Miss Tolerant returned.

"Isn't this great?" Said Gym Ninja, holding a reindeer aloft at her friend before replacing it again.

*crash*

The reindeer fell on the floor, taking 3 of his sparkly friends with him.
Miss Tolerant fired off a 'For God's sake' look silently.
Gym Ninja quickly picked up the reindeer and placed them back on the display, only to trigger a reindeer domino effect as they all knocked into one another, the far reindeers disappearing off the edge of the shelf like lemmings.

"LEAVE THEM!" Hissed Miss Tolerant, dragging Gym Ninja away from the reindeer massacre.
By now, Gym Ninja had spotted a Christmas tree and was most insistent that Miss Tolerant snap a photo of her grasping a bauble. Next in Gym Ninja's line of vision was a life-sized Santa.

WOW!

A photo with Santa! Gym Ninja's eyes lit up.

Seeing the look on Gym Ninja's face and predicting a Santa wrestling/knocking over and general scene-making catastrophe in the making, Miss Tolerant helpfully suggested that seeing as GN was having an attack of the Clumsies that day, perhaps it would be safer if they were to leave the photo opportunity for another time, and instead head for the Tube? So that is what they did, with Gym Ninja banging into countless fast-paced Londoners with her wayward trolley case as they aimed for the Tube Station.

Once successfully 'tubed' back to London Euston Gym Ninja had just enough time to mooch around the Virgin First Class Lounge before catching her train. In the Lounge was a fat ginger kid, scoffing all of the freebie food. ENOUGH fat ginger kid. Is it not enough that you are ginger AND wearing a green T Shirt? Do not make it easy on the school bullies by adding to the pudginess. One biscuit is most likely enough. 25 perhaps a tad excessive...?

Eventually, Gym Ninja made it home. A 25 hour whirlwind trip to the Big Smoke, all for no successful outcome, 34 near ankle-snapping moments and a bar bill the size of an elephant. This, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why Gym Ninja rarely visits London. Sleep soundly in your beds that it may be another 2 years before she attempts a return visit....

Gym Ninja x

London Ninja Episode 1.

2010-08-21T20:46:00.000+02:00

Recently Gym Ninja found herself on a top secret mission to London. Much excitement had taken place in the space of a few days, & due to the exciting nature of the opportunity that had presented itself, Gym Ninja would have to be a fool to miss out. Thus followed many hours faffing online, visiting the Virgin Rail website to source the cheapest yet snobbiest return train ticket possible (yes, Gym Ninja prefers to travel First Class donchaknow) and then more hours sourcing the cheapest yet snobbiest (see a pattern developing here?) hotel that would be within walking distance of the meeting venue & meet Gym Ninja's exacting demands.

FINALLY everything was booked. The train would be direct, First Class Quiet Carriage (shush everyone!) to arrive by 1pm, leaving Gym Ninja time to walk 30 minutes to meet some old work colleagues, have a nice cuppa and gossip, then walk another 30 minutes to the hotel, unpack, prepare, walk 5 minutes to the meeting which was at 6.30pm, then return to the hotel to meet a friend for the evening. Then the following day would be another 'window' to meet another friend for a cuppa and a gossip, before walking across London to get the 2pm Virgin First Class Quiet Carriage back to Ninjaland.

PHEW! All those whom Gym Ninja was meeting were aware of their time slots. All outfits had been prepared and everything scheduled to an inch of it's life. Now for a leisurely breakfast before meandering to catch the train on the Big Mission To London.

Whilst Gym Ninja was cooking her mushroom egg white omelettes the telephone rang. It was the Top Secret Man From the Meeting. Aka, Mr Important. He casually wondered if Gym Ninja would be able to make it for 4pm instead....at a venue the opposite side of London? Apparently a Silverlink (or something similar sounding) train would get GN from Euston to the venue, albeit with a 15 minute walk to the building?

AHHHR!!!!!!!!!!!

So, sounding casually chilled out and agreeing to the change of schedule happily, Gym Ninja went into complete meltdown upon hanging up the phone. No time to pre-plan everything! Off came the 'travel outfit' and on went the 'meeting outfit'. Gym Ninja would not be able to change before the meeting, and having just enough time to fire off some messages letting the ex work colleagues know that tea and a gossip was now cancelled, Gym Ninja hurtled out of the door to catch her train. That'd be hurtling in purple 5" heels by the way.....!

Once on the train, Gym Ninja could relax. Well, as much as a list-making scheduling freak COULD relax when their carefully chosen '5 minute walk to the meeting' hotel was now impossibly far away from the new meeting location and this in itself would entail a much dreaded first attempt at battling the mistress that is 'The London Underground'....

Despite being sat in front of Cuddles The Monkey and being drawn backwards every time the man sniffed hard, the journey was uneventful. Starvation was the only thing on the menu thanks to Virgin Trains only catering for those with a fancy to sausage or bacon rolls. The tea was like tar. Mmm. No thank you. Then there was the 3 waves of nausea caused by Gym Ninja's inability to read and travel at the same time. Upon arrival, Gym Ninja tottered off to the Railway Help Booth and begged the man for assistance.

"I need the 'Silver something' to THIS station & what looks like the black line to HERE. Please help me? Where do I find these trains?". Gym Ninja's eyes were all big and panicky.

The man looked amused.

"It's the Northern Line love, not the black line..." And with a grin, the man reeled off a list of platform numbers and printed out an all day return ticket. Would Gym Ninja EVER be seen again.......? He obviously didn't think so by the look on his face.

Having killed time supping on a diet Pepsi (perhaps not the best choice of tipple for someone so nervous) and plugging her iPhone surreptitiously into the wall of the bar she was sat in at the station to boost the battery, Gym Ninja eventually made her way to the overground train. The 'silver thingie'. The phrase 'stuck out like a sore thumb' was created for such moments. The train was filled with combat/denim clad flat shoe shod folk. That'd be all except Gym Ninja who was dragging a suitcase as she tottered across the platform in the purple 5" heels and the black dress. Of course, just in case that was NOT enough of a reason to stare at Gym Ninja, she decided to not hold on properly and stumble in a melodramatic way as the train pulled out of the station.

Joy!

Once at the arrival station, Gym Ninja activated her iPhone map system and prayed for a strong signal as she began her 15 minute trek in blazing sunshine. NEVER has GN come across so many uneven paving slabs in her life. If her heels didn't catch and attempt to snap her ankle like a twig then her trolley case decided to turn on itself and start dragging, wheels-up, usually as GN was attempting to cross a road. Of course this would not be enough humiliation. Oh no. Throw in about 4 or 5 car horn beeps and then you'll have an idea of how out of place Gym Ninja looked!

FINALLY she reached the meeting place. Great! Stairs. So, lugging the case up the stairs, Gym Ninja virtually FELL into the reception area, a fine sheen of sweat now across her face. Again, the Humiliation Gods were smiling down on Gym Ninja today, and this meant that the Important Meeting Man wanted to do the theatrical double cheek kiss as a greeting. Yep Cop a load of that cheek sweat Mr Important!

Trying not to look exhausted and frazzled, Gym Ninja began the meeting with Mr Important feeling VERY frazzled indeed. Her memory blanked out immediately and when asked for further information that may help he get offered such an exciting opportunity, Gym Ninja came up with nothing.
Nada.
Zilch.
This is despite Gym Ninja about to train up on a new PowerClub system that may be of interest to Mr Important, despite having an upcoming snippet published in a National Mens Fitness Magazine and also despite the fact that her photo is currently in another popular National Fitness Magazine.

AHHHHRRRR!

Mr Important didn't look impressed. Why would he when Gym Ninja failed to tell him about the impressive stuff? Gym Ninja would have panicked more but she was too busy wondering why her face was sweating when usually it never does? Mr Important then pushed Gym Ninja to state which was her favourite football team out of a choice of two.

"I don't follow football," Stated Gym Ninja. "I much prefer Formula One".

Mr Important wasn't having any of it.

"You MUST choose one. You must. Which one were you supporting as a child? You must have been pushed towards one? Which one is it? Red, or Blue?"

At that, Mr Important went quiet, waiting for Gym Ninja to answer.

Bugger.
Red or blue?
Red?
Blue?
50/50 chance of saying the right thing here. Only two choices. Red or blue? Red or blue....?

"Blue!" Announced Gym Ninja, confidently.

*cue tumbleweed accompanied by a crushing heavy silence that lasted about 30 seconds*

"I'm a life long Red Fan Myself" Said Mr Important, his eyes cold.

Oh well that's just marvelous isn't it? Bye bye fantastic opportunity. Gym Ninja may as well take her big sweaty face and impossibly high purple shoes out of the room right now!

Mr Important decided to change the subject.

"So, you don't have a regional accent. Why is that?" He enquired.

Gym Ninja, grateful for the change of subject, replied "Well technically I only live near that region, I used to travel a lot so picked up other peoples accents and anyway, who wants a horrid accent like that?" At this, Gym Ninja screwed up her face in disgust.

"I love that accent." Replied Mr Important.

Pfffft!

*Taxi for Gym Ninja*

Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting Episode of London Ninja.....

Gym Ninja x

OK, OK

2010-08-20T13:46:00.000+02:00

OK, so you all came back the next day but Gym Ninja didn't. Forgive GN please.

Just for the record, Sunday Slaughter followed Saturday Slaughter, all again with the aid of a well chewed piece of Buzz Gum. Sunday was the last Spin Session with the good instructor that would happen for 3 whole weeks, as she was off on her jollies, leaving sub-standard Spin Instructors to babysit the group. Pah!

As Gym Ninja was setting up her usual spin bike, a voice broke the silence. The voice came from the row behind & was aimed towards Gym Ninja...

"Does your coccyx hurt?"

Gym Ninja looked up and noticed that this sentence came from a woman sat motionless on the bike behind her.

"Excuse me?'" Questioned Gym Ninja. After all, it's not your usual conversational opener is it?

"Does your coccyx hurt from doing Spin? Mine does. Not all the time, but lately it does."

The woman beamed at Gym Ninja whilst rubbing her lower back and doing a fake comedy grimace.

Gym Ninja shook her head. "Sorry no, mine doesn't."

Not sure why GN felt the need to apologise for this fact? Maybe she hates to disappoint people? But nope. No coccyx rubbing necessitated here. Now, you'd think there would be nowhere to go with that conversation? Indeed there wasn't, but that wasn't an obstacle for Coccyx Lady. Oh no.

"I like your skin!"

*Ohdeargodpleasedonotletthisbeacrazycannibalisticwoman*

Gym Ninja did a forced smile.

"Where are you from? You're tanned right?"

Gym Ninja then explained about the benefits of gradual tanning body lotion and the fact she is English born and bred. But no. No. This was not enough for Coccyx Woman.

"Really? You are? Oh."

*cue disappointment and a small silence from Coccyx Woman*

"What about your parents? Where are they from? You're not foreign at all? Really? Oh. Oh well you look Egyptian!"

At this, Coccyx Woman then diverted her gaze, leaving Gym Ninja free to continue her pondering as to why she always attracts oddballs?

Talking of which, as if by magic, Dangly appears.

"You were quick to bin me off yesterday when that guy came over to talk to you eh? EH? Did you go to the wedding with him? Surprised you even made it in!!!!!"

OMG.

How to be chastised by someone you barely know and haven't even reason for the chastisement. After much questioning it turned out that Dangly felt he had been cast aside in favour of Lanky the day before. Gym Ninja had to explain that she actually did know Lanky already, he was not just a random who had walked in and started talking to her, that technically it was DANGLY himself who had swanned off in a huff for no apparent reason and also that the wedding Lanky had invited GN to attend Saturday night with him was NEVER gonna have been an option.

Phew! Sunday Spin hadn't even started yet and already Gym Ninja felt like she'd been through it! Not sure when various gym members decided that they owned the rights to Gym Ninja, but apparently this was the case. Gym Ninja instead decided to distract Dangly with a question...

"I was talking to Lisa yesterday, the woman who sits on that bike there? She says she always thought I was married to a rich man!" Gym Ninja then cracked out her wide-eyed 'can you believe that' look.

Good conversational changer huh?

Dangly stared back at Gym Ninja.

"Well you are aren't you?" He replied. "That's what I heard too."

OK, so now Gym Ninja then had to explain that this was not true, before deciding it was now best to focus on the upcoming spin session and quit talking to other people before she goes insane....

After Spin Gym Ninja went to peer down on the hydropool to double check the type of person sat in there before she made the decision whether to spend 10 minutes in there herself. A quick glance through the window and Gym Ninja's head snapped straight back around again at what she THOUGHT she had seen.

Was that really a topless woman in the hydropool?????

Looking again, Gym Ninja realised here eyes had been playing tricks on her and it was merely an ample chested man with moobs. Nearby were a tubby couple who were using the hydropool as some sort of chlorinated foreplay. Tubby Guy was standing with his back to the edge, arms stretched outwards along the side whilst Tubby Girl bobbed up and down in front of him in some sort of tubby dance of the seven watery veils.....occasionally Tubby Girl would then bob towards Tubby Man, rubbing herself on him, before bobbing backwards again to continue her seductive hydropool mating ritual. Please God let that be foam from the bubble jets that is turning that water so white....

Er..........

No hydropool today thank you!

That'll be your lot today Ninjarettes. Do not be greedy. It is best to return to this blog in small manageable bites rather than to gorge yourself silly on reams of ramblings. We don't want you getting stomach ache now do we?

Gym Ninja x

Death Stare

2010-08-14T22:58:00.000+02:00

Gym Ninja had a devil of a job to get into the 'Saturday Slaughter' mode today. Perhaps this was in some way related to the fact she'd managed to rack up all of 3 and a half hours of sleep before the alarm blared out?

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The usual Pre workout Diet Emerge Enegy drink may well fail, so for a back up, Gym Ninja scoffed a piece of the aptly named 'GoGo Guarana Buzz Gum'. Now of you look at the link you will see it states it is 'fresh mint'. Gym Ninja would like to point out that the fresh mint flavour lasts all for 11 seconds, only to then be replaced by wet dog taste. However, persevere as it is indeed a non-jitter-inducing buzz. At that, Gym Ninja went to the gym with her big wide bushbaby eyes.......wired.com!

Heading in to the Spin Studio, GN was pleased to see that Dangly had saved her the usual bike. He nodded hello and then berated Gym Ninja for not attending last week.
*sigh*
WHY?
Dangly KNEW Gym Ninja was training clients last weekend. Pfft! Much chat the occurred, quite possibly due to Buzz Gum. Gym Ninja is not kidding when she says it perks you up people!

Dangly was busy gossiping about last week's sessions & how he'd moved to 'The Dark Side' and sat with Team 1. Mouth the loud mouthed woman with the big....lungs... *ahem* is on Team 1. She welcomed him as per usual into the fold. Dangly loves how she won't come near when Gym Ninja is about, as if GN's invisible force field protects them, yet when GN is not about, Mouth is all over him like a rash.

"It's because she probably thinks you are Team Two leader" He Surmised.
"You're Gary Glitter!"

Gym Ninja then cracked open her Death Stare.

Gary Glitter.
Hmm.
That'd be the notorious pedophile leader of the gang yeh?

"He was a pedo" Pointed out Gym Ninja, the Death Stare boring a hole in between Dangly's eyes.

Dangly looked sheepish.
"Er, yeh ok point taken, bad choice of words..."

The lights went down, the music cranked up and off everyone went. Buzz Gum fuelled, Gym Ninja's legs went like the clappers. GoGo Ninja!

Now all get yourselves down to Holland & Barrett and stock up on this stuff, as GN had the best spin session in a long time. All on 3 and a half hours sleep too. Remarkable! After the session Dangly insisted Gym Ninja walk a circuit of the indoor running track with him so he could continue his gossiping. After 10 minutes there was a..

"HIYA!!!!!!!!!!!"

Wow. How loud. Gym Ninja turned to see who was interrupting and lo and behold it was Lanky. Do you remember Lanky? Tall lanky guy (obviously the clue is in the name) who did the old 'I breathe through my ears *wink wink*' line? Dangly curled his lip and stomped off.

"How ya doing matey? Not seen you for ages! How's the job?"

Gym Ninja explained about the firing (or fondant fancy as it was referred to if you recall?) & Lanky nodded his head sympathetically.

"Tell ya what I'd do!" He began, his eyes all big.

Hmm, maybe he too had tried Buzz Gum?

"When I was in Ibiza there was a yacht with the son of a Prince on it. Big fat guy he was, who's dad gave him £50k per month to spend. Every day there'd be 2 or 3 girls go on board. They'd stay, shag him and then the next day get paid £1500 each. Do THAT! That'd be great. You could retire in 5 years!"

At this, Lanky beamed.

Gym Ninja wondered if Lanky could hear the whirring sound of The Death Stare locking into the target? Nope. No, he didn't see it coming.

*fires Death Stare*

Making her excuses, Gym Ninja returned to the changing rooms, and spent a good 2 minutes trying to ram her key into the lock. After 2 minutes Gym Ninja concluded that her lock was actually the one 2 doors down, moved across and opened the correct locker. Turning around, Gym Ninja narrowly missed a Death Stare from a butch girl who was glaring at her. Ooops. Gym Ninja had been trying to open HER lock by accident! Damned Buzz Gum was now confusing Gym Ninja. Time to quaff her Promax shake, hit the shower and make a swift exit....

Back here tomorrow Ninjarettes. No excuses (unless of course it is Gym Ninja making the excuse!). Sunday Slaughter Session is gonna be Buzz Gum Fuelled too!!!!!!

Gym Ninja

Muppet Call

2010-08-12T22:51:00.000+02:00

Yesterday Gym Ninja received a call on her iPhone from an unrecognisable mobile number.

Hmmm.

Curious. Gym Ninja picked up.

"Hi, this is Muppet. You sent in your CV regarding working as a Personal Trainer for us here at Cheap as Chips Health Club? I'm just ringing to let you know we have a vacancy and are you still interested?"

Gym Ninja went quiet. Oh yes, she remembers Muppet and his gym. If you recall, about 4 months ago Gym Ninja had arranged an interview with the Cheap as Chips Muppet Manager re working freelance from his Health Club as a PT. GN had gone out of her way to get there on time and when she turned up, nobody knew where Muppet was or why Gym Ninja was there. In fact, it took nearly 45 minutes for the staff to get hold of another manager (as Muppet's mobile was switched off) only to discover he'd gone home to wait for a fridge to be delivered. CHARMING!

Anyhow, Gym Ninja allowed Muppet to finish his speech and then replied..

"Ah yes. I do remember you and your club, however I'm not interested. Not after you stood me up last time!"

*Cue awkward silence*

"Er, ah yes, I recognise your name now" Stuttered Muppet. "I think I was on holiday wasn't I?"

Gym Ninja sighed.

"No. Apparently you were at home waiting for a fridge to be delivered, despite having arranged to meet me for an interview. Oh and you hadn't bothered to tell anyone either hence me being kept waiting. So as you can imagine, I am somewhat not-so-keen on having another interviews as you may be getting a freezer delivered that day?"

Muppet spluttered into an apology and then immediately began selling his vacancy again.

"The girl is leaving for maternity and will leave 20 clients.You'd get those!"

"I'm working elsewhere now thank you" Replied Gym Ninja. "At an exclusive private studio so I'm not interested. To be honest I had originally been wary as your chain of clubs has such a bad reputation in the industry".

Muppet was taken aback. "WHY?" He barked.

Was it too obvious if Gym Ninja sighed again?

"It's well known amongst the Graduates of MY particular Certificate provider that your chain of health clubs rarely support their Personal Trainers and go through them like a dose of salts. I attended a Fit Pro lecture where we were told only 2% of your trainers are ever fully booked."

Well, Muppet didn't like this one jot! He exploded down the phone at Gym Ninja, reeling off statistics about how his PTs were booked at 7am, 8am, 9am, 10am.... (by now Gym Ninja had spotted the pattern so wondered why he carried on regardless...?)

Gym Ninja allowed him to burn himself out and then stepped in..

"These PT sessions that are booked. Are they paid sessions........?"

Gym Ninja raised an eyebrow as she said this. Pointless obviously being at the other end of the phone, however it was all for the added drama, as Gym Ninja knew full well the answer that was coming.

"No. They are free ones but the PT gets the chance to convert them to paying clients, and now that we lowered the monhtly membership to £10 we're getting busy"

Yeh, busy with cheapskates who pay £10 a month and get freebie PT!

"Really? Well you can understand after last time when you stood me up why I am so reluctant to come and see you again, especially with your reputation with PTs"

"Yes but I was on holiday wasn't I? I do apologise for that!" Muppet repeated.

FFS!

"No, you were definitely waiting for a fridge, and as I recall it took 45 minutes before someone could get through to your line manager ad find out where you were. Yep, definitely a fridge and not a holiday!"

Again, Muppet didn't like this. He changed tact...

"I train people and they pay me! Even when they haven't got much money. I trained my Missus 3 times a week when I first met her and she was broke!"

At this, Muppet went quiet. Gym Ninja definitely felt essence of 'put that in your pipe and smoke it!' from him. Most likely he was also playing a 'tadaaaa' sound on his mobile phone too...

Gym Ninja paused. Was it really too obvious for her to point out how unprofessional it is to sh*g a client? Hmmm. Nah. Too easy. It takes the fun out of the game if its too easy....(a bit like his Missus eh?)

"Look, I'm really not interested" Began Gym Ninja.

Muppet interrupted.

"Gym Ninja, feel free to ring me any time. Have a think about it. Don't feel awkward by ringing me it's OK you can".

WHAT?

"Oh noooo, don't you worry about that. I can assure you I will not be feeling awkward as I won't be calling. Many thanks!"

And with that, Gym Ninja hung up.

Lucky old Gym Ninja eh? Yes, she KNOWS she is a fool to turn down a job where she pays £400 a month to work out of a cheap club and have to give back to back free PT sessions to broke clients have no intention of ever hiring you as why would they when they get it for free? The very same cheapskate clients who she then needs to have sex with three times a week..... Yes, what an opportunity missed. It would appear staff also get time off for fridge and white goods deliveries too...and yet she turned it all down.....

Never mind eh? ;-)

Gym Ninja x

Ooops!

2010-08-10T16:27:00.000+02:00

See, now Gym Ninja thought she'd finished writing this blog post and had posted it all for you to feast your eyes on. Apparently not. Gym Ninja has unintentialy STARVED all of you Ninjarettes of a blog post for 9 whole day.

9 DAYS!!!!!!!

Are you all ok????????? OK so here was what was written yet not posted. Not even worth the wait really...oooops.............

There's nothing like committing carbicide to spur on a gym session.
Yes, Gym Ninja succumbed to an unplanned scoffing of naughty carbs...the type you shouldn't really eat unless it's post workout? The type that play havoc with your insulin levels and stuff all the calories it can't squash into your muscles and liver into your fat cells. A one-way fast track ticket to Mr Blobby Land. Horrid evil carbs! Committing carbicide is when you accidentally (or in some cases intentionally) ingest far too many carbs at once, causing you to almost fall into some sort of coma-like trance. Well, that's what happened to Gym Ninja the other day.

Once it happened, Gym Ninja's alarm bells rang. She HAD to hit the gym and burn the goddam stuff off before it drove her into a coma, but would she be able to get there fast enough? It was a race against time!!!!!!!!!!!! She stuffed her gym bag and then galloped to the car to hurtle to the gym. Time was of the essence, as if she fell into the coma mid drive then who knew what would happen?

OK, so perhaps Gym Ninja is being a tad dramatic, but she rarely has such episodes so her body over-reacts to this kind of thing. At Christmas last year, Gym Ninja decided her Christmas Day Treat would be a bowl of custard and she lost 3 hours of the day asleep because of it!

Once at the gym, Gym Ninja got changed and hurried herself to the treadmill. The carbs were sitting heavy in her stomach. This meant if the coma didn't get her, the partially-digested food would! It would suddenly turn into a blob of lead & as she began to exercise, the stomach would not take priority and instead the food would sit there...heavy....pulling her down, adding effort to the session...EEEEK!

And so the run began.....thud thud thud thud went Gym Ninja heavy legs, as the carbs moaned and groaned and then increased their density, making the run harder. AHHHHR damn you carbs! But as Gym Ninja pushed herself (and you must remember the first 5-10 minutes of the workout are often the hardest), something magical kicked in...Glycogen! YAY! Thank GOD! The wonderful side-effect from carbs was the fact that Gym Ninja had a fair old whack of glycogen stored in her muscles and this was helping fuel the workout. At minute 13 it all turned effortless....

So began the effortless run, the type where you feel you can continue forever. Yet you don't, as you decide after a while that you are a bit bored. Who's got time to run forever? So eventually you stop. But it felt SOOOOOOOO good to burn off the nasty splurge. Sweat out the 'sin'. So Gym Ninja's top tip of the day is, if you fall off the wagon and stuff your gob full of junk that you know will be of detriment to your regime, then the best solution is to force yourself to get out there and sweat it off you again. You can also think of it as a punishment. A gentle yet uncomfortable reminder as to why you shouldn't binge like that. Yeh it happens to everyone, but the trick is to stay on track, keep the discipline (that deserted you a moment ago) and make sure yo rectify the damage. You need to AVOID sinking further into the binge and thinking that you may as well chuck everything out of the window (except the carbs as you're too busy eating those, oh and the fatty stuff too whilst you're being bad) and spiral down into a new Mr Blobby-esque you complete with an outsized wardrobe of smocks and leggings.

PHEW!

Whilst sweating off the carbs Gym Ninja was entertained by Bandana Man. A heeeeruge Roider barreling along, all joints immobilized due to his immense size leaving him walking like a robot. Bandana Man was rocking the Bandana around the head look, complete with a muscle vest. A vest that is all neck and arm holes and a smattering of stretched t shirt holding the arm and neck holes together. Yeh, best of luck with that outfit Mr Bandana Man......

Also at the gym was Bouncy Boobs. Not as exciting as you may first think though, as Bouncy Boobs was about 63 years old. She'd chosen to walk on the treadmill at a brisk pace, and whatever garment she wore under her t shirt really wasn't up to the job. Her boobs stretched from belly button in the downward motion to her collarbone in the upper motion. All undulating as she stomped onwards. In the end Gym Ninja had to ensure she couldn't see Bouncy Boobs as it was starting to trigger her motion sickness....... SUPPORT YOUR BOOBS please! They do not twang back into place once stretched.....yes, sports bras are not attractive but neither are Snoopy boobs. (Yeh, take your time thinking about what Snoopy looks like and then slowly realise what Gym Ninja means by that...)

Once in the changing rooms, Gym Ninja walked to her locker. Yet what was THIS? Some sort of barrier preventing Gym Ninja from standing by her locker. What was it?
SMELLY TRAINERS!
Yup.
Someone had abandoned their stinky old trainers on the bench under Gym Ninja's lockers and boy did they stink! So much so, Gym Ninja had to hold her breath, drag out her bag, run over to the other side of the changing area, then return to run the gauntlet again to get her clothes out of the locker. Eyes watering profusely and almost choking too.....

On that very visual note, Gym Ninja shall leave you all to it. Remember people, step awaaaay from the carb binge!!!!!!

Gym Ninja x

A day of two halves...

2010-08-01T20:59:00.000+02:00

Good weekend everyone?

Gym Ninja has been busy the past few days so will catch up with Friday's news.

Gym Ninja had some morning appointments Friday and knew that in order to be on the '5 minutes past' train that she would have to be out of the house by half past. Gym Ninja KNEW this. Gym Ninja couldn't afford to miss the train as then getting the later train would mean cutting things very fine. SO what does Gym Ninja find herself doing? FAFFING! Faffing meant that all of a sudden it was a quarter to, and Gym Ninja was still at home. That's 15 minutes after the time she was supposed to leave.

AHHHHR!

Gym Ninja hurtled out of the house, got in the car and drove to the train station. Seeing the train at the platform, she legged it to buy a ticket from a very bored looking Railway Employee and just about made it on the train with a couple of minutes to spare.

PHEW!

As the train then departed, Gym Ninja looked at her watch. OMG! How weird? She was now actually on the earlier train than the one she'd been running late for!!!!!! So, settling down for the journey Gym Ninja relaxed. Once GN was one slowing down for the stop away from the one she needed, she decided to grab her notebook and start making some programme adjustments. Barely noticing the stream of people walking past her, she then eventually registered the bleep bleep bleep of the doors as they began to close, and as Gym Ninja looked up...

AHHHR!

It was the stop that Gym Ninja should be getting off at! GN leapt off the seat, grabbed her bag and leapt through the closing doors just managing to depart the train before being squashed between the doors. What WAS it with trains today????

Gym Ninja had fun with her clients that day. They worked hard and they looked so much healthier having followed the nutritional guidance and kept up their 'homework' of exercises between sessions. Gym Ninja walked one of her clients back downstairs and to the door, saying goodbye and then setting up camp at a booth in the bar lounge area of the hotel (where Gym Ninja's gym is located). Gym Ninja needed to finish the stuff she had begun on the train whilst waiting for the Boss Man she rented the gym space from to arrive for a meeting.

As Gym Ninja waited, she was aware of someone walking past the booth a few times. How annoying. Plenty of space! Walk elsewhere please. Pffft! Eventually, Gym Pimp (the guy Gym Ninja pays her monthly gym rent to) arrived, sat down and started his blah blah blah in her face.

As Gym Pimp was talking, he kept glancing to his left. STOP IT Gym Pimp, that's very distracting....and yet on and on he did it, with a silly smirk on his face. In the end, Gym Ninja turned to look at what had obviously caught his attention?

Nothing.

Nothing other than some bloke using a small child as a table..and by that Gym Ninja means where you get the child to lean forwards slightly whilst you lean on their back and write something on a piece of paper. Gym Ninja looked back at Gym Pimp who was grinning so hard it started to look as if he was a character off Wallace & Grommit. Gym Pimp nodded his head sideways and grinned some more, so Gym Ninja again looked and then noticed that the man was actually writing on the child's t shirt.

Ahh.

"Is he famous or something?" Enquired Gym Ninja.

Gym Pimp nearly burst with excitement. Bear in mind this man was standing about an arms length away from where GN and GP were sitting. Gym Pimp nodded!

"Who is it then?" Sighed Gym Ninja, now slightly bored by the whole distraction.

"Joe Cole" Hissed Gym Pimp.

Now Gym Ninja ONLY knows this name because it has been in the news these past few weeks so she now knew him to be a footballer....and of course looking AGAIN it was clear that T shirt was in fact a Liverpool football shirt he was signing. Oh.

"That's not a REAL sport though is it? Football" Announced Gym Ninja in perhaps a voice that was a tad louder than should have been considering a footballer was standing so close.

Gym Pimp looked incredulous, which Gym Ninja took as a sign that he was confused and needed further clarification.

"Well, they just prance about kicking a bit of dead cow across the grass. I much prefer rugby. THAT'S a proper sport. They smash into each other & need sheer power as well as skill. I don't see it as a sport unless they leave the pitch with their face mangled!"

Gym Pimp looked blank.

"Formula One. Now That is a sport too! Lots of skill and control as well as fitness. No dead cows being kicked on grass in that sport is there?"

At this point, Gym Ninja realised that not only was Gym Pimp not agreeing with her sentiments, but that quite possibly from the glare that was shot across from him, that perhaps someone not so very far away had also overheard the 'football isn't a proper sport' comment.

Ooops.

That evening Gym Ninja headed to the gym for her own quick workout session. Hill intervals on the treadmill!!!!!! Setting the incline to the maximum gradient of 15% Gym Ninja ran and then did walking recoveries in timed intervals as she sweated like a pig for 20 minutes. Intervals are a fantastic way to ramp up the burn and encourage the body to start tapping into the subcutaneous fat stores (that's the fat that's stored under the skin which gives you that delightful lumpy bumpy wide load look). Over by the Squat Rack was an older couple. The guy was busy loading up the plates on the Olympic bar in readiness for his female parter to squat with. This woman must have been in her late 40s and had an AMAZING body! A body that would wipe the floor with most 20 year old girls that went to that gym. See? Squats rule! Train hard and don't be afraid of the weights ladies. The remainder of Gym Ninja's workout ran smoothly and after frying her abs at the end of the session she took great delight in being treated to a very impressive demo of a guy performing plyometric press ups with a clap. That's where they perform a press up and as they reach the top position, they clap both hands together rapidly before then banging out another press up. Phwoah!

Mmmmm. Gotta love health & fitness eh?

Gym Ninja x

Great Uncle Harry strikes again

2010-07-28T22:55:00.000+02:00

Great Uncle Harry ended up being an inspiration again today. You remember him? 92 (yep he's had a birthday since Gym Ninja last mentioned him) and keeps himself active by twice daily completing a 3 mile walk up the Malvern Hills and also daily calisthenic exercises he learned when in the Army.

Well Gym Ninja had a few clients to train today and rocked up to the private studio half an hour early to find two maintenance men and a male cleaner in the gym. Gym Ninja had met the maintenance men before as she'd found an air bubble in the flooring and this had then entailed them ripping up half the studio floor to fix it! The male cleaner was introduced to Gym Ninja-let us call him Dave.

"You should come and train with me one day" Suggested Gym Ninja to Dave.

Dave screwed his face up and shook his head, before explaining that gyms weren't his 'scene'.

"My brother does that and he's a triangle shape" He said, referring to the V Taper that often shows on a male physique. "I don't like that!"

Gym Ninja then decided to explain to Dave about training styles and how there are different ways of training for different shapes. Gym Ninja then used the European Athletics as an illustration...

"See the shape of the shot putter? And the marathon runner and the sprinter? They all have different physiques and they all train differently to suit their sport. So you can choose how to train to reflect how you look."

Dave nodded.

"Is there nothing you enjoy outside of the gym? You don't HAVE To exercise inside a gym you know." Continued Gym Ninja.

Dave thought & then said "Boxing".

"I did boxing a few times when I was thinner and some guy who was a pro boxer saw me and said that I had potential. That affected me as nobody has ever said I had potential before but I never tried it again. I'm too old now".

He gave a wry smile.

"You should do it!" Said Gym Ninja enthusiastically. "Look, feeling how you do isn't an inevitable part of aging, it's down to use. If you had a car and left it parked up for years then it'd struggle to start and have all sorts of running issues. If you drove it daily it'd run fine. The body is the same. If you rest, you rust!"

Then followed Gym Ninja's story about Great Uncle Harry being 92 and very active and sprightly due to his 6 miles a day hill walks. Dave stood there, open mouthed.

Then, he said something that even Gym Ninja hadn't anticipated.

"That's it! I WILL do boxing again! I know I don't know your Great Uncle but I want to be like him. Thank yoU SO much for that. I'm going to start boxing again" And with that, off he went, a big smile on his face.

HOW amazing is that?

It is THAT buzz when you see a person get fired up about being active that makes it exciting for a PT. That is why Personal Trainers help people. Knowing the adventure that is about to begin and how positive that person will soon feel makes it just as exciting for the Personal Trainer as it is for the individual.

Gym Ninja will keep you all informed about Dave....

Gym Ninja x

Saturday Slaughter

2010-07-24T16:50:00.000+02:00

Ahh yep, blogging the same day it actually happened. Wow!

Today is Saturday and today was Saturday Slaughter Session time. Now Gym Ninja had yet another late night due to nothing other than general 'faffing' so had to drag herself out of bed today. She was also hoping that her mahooosive order from Maximuscle would arrive seeing as it hadn't done yesterday? By mahoosive Gym Ninja means 3 tubs of Promax (some with the special offer of 20% extra free...check out THIS LINK if you are interested in that as it is also on selected flavours of Promax, Promax Extreme & Promax Diet), a box of Promax Crisp bars which are fab if you want a guilt-free sweet snack yet have some protein too (good with a nice hot cuppa by the way!) and a tub of Promax Diet. They are doing some good offers at the moment so go check out the links and see what else they have offers on as they do tend to change all the time?

No sign.

Pah.

But a Slaughter Session waits for no Ninja, so out of the house galloped GN, with barely enough time to neck a Diet Emerge Energy Drink (still an absolute bargain at 25p per can of chemical fizziness ) before arriving at the gym. It was quieter than usual. Maybe down to the fact that the schools have now broken up and all the parents are out entertaining their bored children?

As there was a Y in the day, this meant NO air con was on at the gym. Maybe those huge air con panels on the wall are merely 'Representative Art Installations'? Anyhow, Gym Ninja found herself warming up on a treadmill next to Clippy who was currently doing her standard 10% incline, leaning back holding on type walk. A girl walked past, a huge fake flower the size of a side-plate clipped onto her head. Remarkable. Lycra and clip-in hair ornaments. Uhh, the warm up was hard work. Last week's boundless energy seems a distant memory. But up the stairs to the Spin Studio climbed Gym Ninja, and took up her place on her 'usual' bike.

Dangly immediately scolded Gym Ninja.

"Where were you AGAIN last week? You said you'd come in Sunday! I looked a right muppet as I put me towel on yer spin bike to save it for you and I had to move it to let someone else sit there!"

Dangly had pain and hurt in his eyes.....

"Yeh sorry about that but I slept in." Confessed Gym Ninja. "Er, I'm not going to be here tomorrow either as I've a client to train".

Dangly looked as if he were about to explode.

"OK so that will be THREE Sunday Spin Sessions in a row you'll have missed. That's IT! You're getting a warning!"

At this, he waggled his finger. Gym Ninja gave him a 'look'.

The class began, and it was then immediately apparent that Gym Ninja's usual bike had been wrecked when she was not here last time. She had a floppy pedal!!!!! Well, OK so the pedal strap didn't work. Every time it was tightened, it'd just then slowly loosen until Gym Ninja's left foot was left flailing around like it was made of rubber. After 10 minutes Gym Ninja abandoned the bike and moved to a fresh one.

The room was BOILING hot! The air con wasn't even blowing warm like it usually does. It wasn't blowing at all and even the Instructor who sits on a bike that has arctic air con streams blowing over her at all times was now sweating like a pig too. Great. Feeling tired and now the unbearable 'spin in a sauna environment' for the next hour. Joy! But what can Gym Ninja do when she's shut in a baking hot sauna style room but sweat like a pig and soldier on?

At the back of Gym Ninja's mind (and head) was the thought 'what about my hair?'

No, this was not Gym Ninja being vain. No. Last night Gym Ninja was bored so had whacked on a brown/black colour hair dye on, and as any girl knows, that first rinse is never quite enough to

a) Remove all of the dye
b) Remove that post-hair dye smell.

So what was the worry about the hair? Well anyone who has seen Gym Ninja post-spin will notice it appears she has dunked her head under water for an hour. So....what if the left-over hair dye that never quite comes off after that first wash decides that NOW is the time to start streaking it's way down Gym Ninja's face and neck? Great. Would Gym Ninja emerge from Spin as the missing member of Kiss? GN could certainly smell the hair dye....the heat and the sweat was encouraging it to run free...

EVENTUALLY (!) the hour was up and the cool down commenced. By this point Gym Ninja's sweat towel was sodden and had no absorbency left. Then the lights went up and......

PHEW!

Kiss did NOT have a new member. Admittedly Gym Ninja again appeared to look post-swim, however there were no black streaks snaking their way across the delts.

With that, Gym Ninja squelched out of the spin studio, nipped to the changing area to dry off and then finished up with some weights work and abs. Gym Ninja really wanted to hit the Hydropool today too as it's been way too long since her last venture into it, however she decided that it was tempting fate and it would be too hard to explain away a 'BP Oil Spill' type slick of black across the pool if her hair dye decided to finally run.

It is now a fair few hours later and still no sign of the Maximuscle Delivery. Pah!
Ah well, Gym Ninja possibly still has a few scrapings of powder at the bottom of her near-empty tub of Choc Chip protein...fingers crossed it arrives soon......

Toodle pip

Gym Ninja x

Bits & Bobs

2010-07-24T02:03:00.000+02:00

Can't think of what to name the blog post today so Gym Ninja has come up with a suitably vague meaningless one. Perhaps don't hold out too much hope for a corker today eh?

So, after the last rant of a blog post aka 'who rattled Gym Ninja's cage' fired off at 2.30am, Gym Ninja is now more stable and has recognised that for every friend who lets you down, there is one who steps up to the mark & then some. Just as well eh? Now, back to the gym.....

After the 'rant', Gym Ninja headed that day (admittedly only a few hours later) to the gym. Work off some of that annoyance really. Plus perhaps also to work off a jar of low fat peanut butter that 'may' have appeared in Gym Ninja's house, and within 12 hours left it, empty. That seems excessive no? Is it worse if Gym Ninja tells you that for 7 of those hours she was asleep too......? *burp*

As Gym Ninja walked towards the changing rooms a Personal Trainer was standing chatting to a tubby lady.

"I'm actually an iron lady myself !" Said the woman to the PT.

*cue peals of laughter from the Personal Trainer, his head thrown back like that cartoon head with the hinged jaw on that old toothbrush advert-you remember the one?*

Aww, there was no need for such an excessive guffaw now was there? That lady has feelings too. (Hmm, Gym Ninja is still a tad sensitive to things).

Gym Ninja started her gym session, warming up on the X Trainer. The gym was full to bursting with school kids. Older ones though, maybe 14-15 years old? All trying out the gym equipment, some in the aerobics studio doing circuits, & some crowding around the PowerPlate machine nervously as a friend stood jiggling on it. It was being taken to the gym as part of school PE lessons that actually sparked Gym Ninja's interest in it. Up until then she'd hated anything that encouraged her to sweat or move...... aww, maybe there is a fledgling Gym Ninja amongst the group of slightly p*ssed off looking teenagers?

Despite having no apparent trace of air con on, Gym Ninja found her cruising speed for running increased to 12kph. Not bad on 2 teaspoons of sleep and an audience of a billion teenagers eh? The teen on the next treadmill kept peeking at Gym Ninja's speed dial, then looking at her own, getting all panicky and gripping the treadmill harder. Gym Ninja was just showing off really. Must be the peanut butter fuelling the run? After all, peanuts are an ingredient in dynamite donchaknow.

OK..so now Gym Ninja will wait whilst all you dis-believers google that fact and then return, raising your eyebrows, nodding your head and muttering 'She's right you know, they are!'.......

After a dynamite start (do you see what GN did there?), the session went somewhat downhill. Gym Ninja made the error of listening to the backlog of Scott Mills Daily Podcasts (off of Radio One as he would say) & if any of you heard the 'Unlucky Gary' stories then you'd appreciate why this was a mistake? Gym Ninja suffered from a nasty case of 'Snigger Gurning' Now Snigger Gurning is rather embarrassing and usually is triggered by listening to something highly amusing on your iPod in a crowded area. You then have an uncontrollable urge to guffaw out loud yet you cannot, for fear of being one of those people that others cross the road to avoid. So you try and suppress it. The laugh cannot be surpressed though. It starts to burst through your cheeks. You tighten your lips and start to gurn as the laugh fills the cheek cavities and then spreads to the space between your gum and lips. When it gets here you are DOOMED! Full blown gurning, sometimes accompanied by squeaky grunt-based noises. Pfft!

Now it was a leg training session so Gym Ninja had to then sweat like a pig as she worked her lower body. All without air con and now, also adding to the 'drama', was a scent of cow fields filling the gym. Seriously, sort out the air con system as something REALLY isn't right! After the leg workout, ab crucifixion and cool down, Gym Ninja staggered towards the spiral staircase. This was a short cut downstairs straight into the changing rooms and would remove the need for Gym Ninja to stagger down the main staircase, which due to the leg wobbliness, meant that she'd have to grab the metal handrail and suffer the compulsory electric shock.

OK...so spiral staircases are NOT good at the best of times, yet after a leg session? It did not help matters either that GN managed to get her right foot wedged in between the gap near the narrow part of it. There is nothing quite so panicky as being jammed in a spiral staircase inside a gym that has reached a temperature of a billion degrees Fahrenheit and that is scented by cow sh&t.

Quelling her rising panic, Gym Ninja managed to release her foot and make it safety inside the changing rooms where she unloaded her locker, showered, and then put her handbag on the bench as she got changed. Two OAPS came into the same part of the changing areas as Gym Ninja dressed, and sat down on the bench.

Crap!

One of them was half sitting on Gym Ninja's handbag. Now what? The OAPs were deep in conversation about the husband of one of their daughters...

"He doesn't even load the dishwasher apparently.." Said the OAP hatching Gym Ninja's handbag...

Gym Ninja started to fret. She had a Maximuscle Promax Diet bar in her bag. What if the OAP was sitting on it? Her weight, combined with her body heat would start to mangle the bar. Would Gym Ninja really then want to eat a bottom-warmed Promax Diet bar????

Hmm.....

HELL YEH!

The final humiliation of that particular session was the evil incarnate that is the body lotion bottle in a public place. Now body lotion bottles behave 99% of the time when you are at home. The MOMENT you take them public, they misbehave. Gym Ninja suffered the orgasmic body lotion effect (where it erupts suddenly all over your boobs) and also the 'dodgy tummy effect' where it mimics a case of really bad wind. Great. On the bright side though the body lotion dodgy noise soon shifted the OAP off Gym Ninja's handbag........

That's all for today. Gym Ninja is spoiling you. Now go about your business and be sure to pass on the peanut fact eh?

Gym Ninja x