Supermarket Chaos Part 3.

SUPERMARKET CHAOS PART 3

Welcome back. We are here, in the Frozen foods aisle where you left us last. Looking for sausage rolls, cocktail sausages and all of that calorie dense yet nutrient light cack, remember?............

 Doors of the huge chiller cabinets open and close in a ripple-type effect, like a freezer version of a Mexican Wave, as shoppers plunge their arms in and haul out their 'catch.’ Sausage rolls, Thin Crisp/Deep Pan/Stuffed Crust Pizzas by the box load, Turkey Twizzlers, Chicken Nuggets, Burgers, chunky/chip shop style/thin cut/crinkle cut chips, Pork pies...your head starts to spin. Everyone is stocking up. Maybe YOU need to stock up too? Maybe they all know something you don't, like that this is the last delivery to the store, or impending bad weather in the next few days? Maybe you need these things too? Yeah they weren't strictly on the list, but....

Having emptied out more than enough 'saturated fat in a box' to give an elephant furred arteries into your trolley, you move on to the jewel of the frozen freezer section.....DESSERTS!!!!!. Hell, it's Christmas so we all plan on treating ourselves, even super-strict Gym Ninja.  Your eyes widen as you stare at the edible porn in front of you. Gâteaux, Cheesecake, Ben & Jerrys, Walls Vienetta  (HAVE to-it's Christmas) Neapolitan ice cream (even though  no one likes the chocolate part because for some reason it's the worst chocolate ice cream ever)...in they all go. Oh, and a box of frozen summer fruit berries as you need those for your smoothies. You put that on the top of the pile to try and cover up the deep pan pizza, the huge stack of Miniature Heros and a cheesecake. If you squint, your trolley seems almost healthy.

Onwards and upwards to the cakes. Who has time to bake mince pies? Not you! Not with all that eating to do. You take a few boxes 'for visitors', plus chuck in a Chocolate Log, a Gingerbread house you build yourself, Christmas Pudding as your other half likes that, Christmas cake...in fact anything edible with a holly motif on it goes in to the buckling trolley that you now HEAVE through the refrigerator area, knocking in 10 udders of milk, (skimmed, ironically seeing as what else is in the trolley), a few yoghurts, some freshly made chilled custard, double cream, single cream, whipped cream...all of the creams as you pass....WAIT! Baileys Irish Cream!!!!!!  You nearly forgot! THAT was on your list surely?

*Woosh*

You're now in the booze aisle. It's packed solid down here as men drag huge crates of lager into trolleys. There is a constant clanging of bottles with their mini satellite dish style theft-proof alarms attached, as people pile it high. You need Baileys..Baileys....hmmm. There is a choice now? Coffee? Mint? Orange? Standard? You've never been good with decisions so best buy 2 of the 4 just in case. Of course the 'visitors'  (aka Gannets by now as you've already bought loads for them!) will need red/white/rose wine. Beer, of course. Bitter and lager. Just in case remember! Champagne for the New Year and maybe Bucks Fizz on Christmas Morning? That's OK as it has Orange Juice in it and that's 1 of your 5 a day....Of course, Uncle Jack likes his rum and Doris from next door but one is partial to some Sherry at this time of year and she always pops in for a mince pie....

You continue like this until there is no room whatsoever left in the trolley, before the backtracking half way down the store aisles to join a checkout queue 3 miles long. You eye up others trolleys nervously for signs of things you may have forgotten. You technically have enough food in there to necessitate never shopping again all month. All for a week of festivities..................................

So, does any of this sound remotely familiar? Even maybe a little bit?  We are all guilty of excess over Christmas. In some ways it can be good to have what is often termed as a 're-feed' to shock the body out of thinking it is in partial-starvation/severe deficit and rev up the metabolism again. If you factor this in as a planned re-feed then a few days won't do too much damage, as long as you get back on track as soon as you can. The 'danger' is, that you suddenly think, "Ahh, I've blown the healthy eating thing so may as well carry on now that the damage is done". Before you know it, you're eating way past the calorie amount required, your processed food intake has increased, as has the salt, saturated fats etc that tend to go hand in hand with this kind of stuff. You feel sluggish so pick at food to give yourself energy. You make excuses not to go to the gym between Christmas and New Year, and then BAM! It's New Year, resolutions and OMG none of your clothes fit you any more! Oh and no, they didn’t shrink in the wash ok?

So what can you do?

Damage limitation is the key here rather than all-out avoidance. It'd be a miserable Christmas if you didn't even sway from your strict nutrition plan.

1. DO try and take in that pre-planned shopping list with you. DO NOT leave it in the car!

2. Standard advice but so true-shop on a FULL stomach so you are not tempted!

3.  Try and buy organic when you can. You will be needing the nutrients to balance out the dodgy stuff you will be eating.

4.  Always read and compare the packaging for nutritional values when buying things you don't usually buy. Not all sausage rolls are created equal.

5.  Reseach online for lighter versions of traditional dishes and then consider baking them yourself?

6.  Do not buy the biggest of everything. You may see it as 'economical' but it's not economical if you end up having to buy a whole wardrobe of new clothing as you cannot fit into your standard stuff is it?

7.  Do not be afraid of THROWING things away. It is not the law that you must finish every last sweet in the tin. Give them away if that makes you feel better. Eating them all will mean wearing them!!!!

8.  Enjoy yourself, but then try and get back on track as soon as you can. No need to wait until a Monday to start afresh is there?

OK, that is Gym Ninja's epic 3-part post. She hopes it has made you chuckle, but also reminded you that you can be healthy at Christmas.

Until next time

Gym Ninja x

Supermarket Chaos Part 2:

Back with Gym Ninja to follow up the next  (recycled) stage of the Christmas supermarket shopping nightmare eh? Good. Pleased to see you again....so where were we? Yep-moving on to a new part of the supermarket .........

.....You soon find yourself heading down the tinned meat aisle. It's a rarity for you to be in this section, what with you being into healthy eating and all, so you start to feel a bit 'out of your depth.’ It all seems strange and new down this aisle. The people here are distinctly larger and have trolleys piled high with processed foods, 3 or 4 bottles of frying oil, bottles and bottles of full strength soft drinks plus 5 tins of Quality Street.  Yet now...now you too are here. Spam Aisle! Uh oh. You stare at the strange artifacts. Tinned Spam. Tinned processed meats contain Sodium Nitrate...in small doses it is used to prevent growth of bacteria, yet in high doses, it can be toxic for humans. In fact, if the sodium nitrate in meats is subjected to high temperatures this forms carcinogenic nitrosamines...oh, and these are NOT good.  Quick. Get OUT of Spam Aisle! For God's sake, save yourself! GET OUT!!!!!!!!

You rapidly turn a corner, crashing into another trolley, then head to the condiments section. You're safer here, the Spam cannot get to you .... You browse for quality oils for cooking, spray oil for keeping calories down, plus herbs and spices that you need for all of your fancy cooking over Christmas.   Before you know it, you're heading to the tinfoil section. BIG tinfoil roll. HUGE. That's what you need. You have to be able to wrap the outside of your house in foil should you need to. You pick up a roll of foil that is wider than your door frames at home. Yep. That'll do it. You can always open both of the French Windows at home to get the roll into the house.  Chuck in some freezer bags plus greaseproof paper and you're done here.

But now what happens? You've been relatively conservative so far, sticking mostly to the healthy list (with a few treats) that you are recalling through sheer memory power thanks to 

having left it in the car. Yet you get the sneaking feeling that this is not enough. You are surrounded by heaving trolleys of food. Piled high to a mountainous peak. You can see boxes of Roses Chocolates peeping out at jaunty angles. Miniature Heros taunt you. Hmm, maybe you need some of those as 'emergency gifts’; just in case someone drops in with a present that's unexpected? Damn those Miniature Heros. Full sized heros you can cope with, but when miniaturized you then run the risk of being able to 'justify' eating one or five. STOP IT! Clear your head of the thought right this instant. But no..you can't...they are everywhere you look, like an obligatory part of the supermarket trolley. Plus you like feeling a bit like a giant when eating the teeny chocolates..... 

'Oooh, look at the teeny Mars Bar in my hand. I am a giant and I can eat it with one bite!' 

SO WHAT? Gym Ninja, back in her Fat Kid Days, used to be able to eat a proper sized Mars Bar in one bite! This is how she became Fat Ninja! Yet you do not listen to Gym Ninja's warning. You head directly for the Chocolate and Confectionary Aisle like a heat seeking missile. You are chanting in your head 'It's just because it's Christmas, it's just because it's Christmas' in an attempt to justify why you suddenly need chocolates in your trolley.

You stop....  Suddenly.

You are here. 

In Paradise.

You stand in front of shelves of varying Selection Boxes, sweets, tins of chocolates, boxes of chocolates and other variations on the theme.  You eyeball the Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. Mmmm, you never eat Terry's Chocolate Orange unless it is Christmas, therefore you justify that it is actually a 'tradition' rather than being naughty. In go 3 of them. But wait. You were here purely for emergency gift purposes remember? You scoop up 2 boxes of Miniature Heros. You look at the Roses. Hmm, best get two of those as well, as not everyone likes Miniature Heros. AHHHR, Celebrations! You need those too. 

*Clunk*.

Your trolley has oodles of boxes of chocolates in it now.  AHHR! Quality Street! Now THAT is a tradition. Best get the humungous tin as you can reuse that (you never do, but you can, so that's why you buy the bigger tin ok?). Oh wait?  What happens if someone visits who does not eat chocolates? Well you'd be a bad host if you didn't lob in a tub or three of Haribo Tangfastics now wouldn't you?  You turn round quickly, only to spot a family with a convoy of trolleys one after the other piled high. One trolley is just not enough for this time of year. You spot the Pringles in their trolleys! PRINGLES!!!!!!!! Lordy you nearly forgot.  I'm sure they were on the list no? Just as one of the treats? Ahem.

*Zoom*

Like a heat-seeking missile you are heading to the Crisps Section. The 'healthy eating with a few treats' list is a distant memory.  CRISPS! You'd be better off eating chips you know. But you know that don't you, yet here you are, stopping to knock a few tubes of Pringles into your trolley, you grab some Twiglets (as Christmassy as Santa himself surely, ahem). You also need one or two of those pre-packed party snacks of various shaped Twiglet-themed crispy thingies. LOADED with salt and saturated fats but you don't care anymore. Hell, they don't even taste nice, but you have them on the table when people come round for drinks. It's 'expected.’ You are in a Supermarket Frenzy! Your eyes are glazed as you 

bump trolleys with other shoppers reaching for Cheesy Wotsits. COCKTAIL SAUSAGES AND MINI SAUSAGE ROLLS! OMG you so should have gone to Iceland for those!!!!!!!!!! Quick! The freezer cabinets!!!!!!!!!!!!!

..........OK...and breathe. That is more than enough for one day. You can see how this trip is hurtling into an 'off the rails' moment. More tomorrow....

Recycle Ninja: Supermarket Chaos Part 1

Listen up. This is the only way Gym Ninja will have time to provide a Blog Post.  Apologies to those who read it last year, but you can re-read it and still enjoy it you know! One of Gym Ninja's pet hates is how chaotic supermarkets get over the festive season, so this is a 3 part blog post helping you all 'recreate' that supermarket chaos.................

Supermarket Chaos PART 1....

Do you know how to beat the Christmas queues?

Head to the gym! 

The gym is the ONLY place you will not have to queue this week. The gym is desolate in the run up to Christmas. An odd situation that always surprises Gym Ninja. After all, it is the party season, major indulgences are ahead, party dresses need to be squeezed into and yet, the gym is empty?  Don't get her wrong. Gym Ninja loves a quiet gym for purely selfish reasons. It means that her workouts this week have not taken as much time as usual due to the availability of equipment, nor having to change what was planned because someone is using the dumbbells...grr.

Hmmm, maybe the last minute planning, food shopping, gift buying and partying take up too much time in the busy lives of everyone?  There is never enough time.  It is also truly amazing as to how much time is spent in the supermarket on the run up to Christmas. Think about it. The supermarkets are closed two whole days. Two days. Not a week. Not a month. Two days. Have a look in your cupboards and freezer now? You have more than enough in there to keep you going until Spring. You're not going to keel over and die if you don't stock up, yet every year we all find ourselves queueing down the aisles for hours to buy an overloaded trolleys worth of stuff....allow Gym Ninja to talk you through a typical Christmas supermarket shop and see if it rings any bells....??

You: "I'm not going to overdo it like last year. I'm going to keep things simple and not go crazy. I threw out most of the stuff I bought last Christmas so it was such a waste! Plus, I need to stay on my healthy eating plan anyway. Yes, that's it! Just the basics with maybe a couple of treats. Yep. Oh and I'll not go at the busy times like last year.  No, I'll head to the supermarket first thing/last thing to avoid the rush (delete as appropriate)."

You pack your ‘Bag for Life’ x 18 (well, you usually forget to pack them and end up having to buy a new one at the till so you have a bit of a backlog now!) in the boot of the car, and set out super early/super late to the local supermarket to beat the queues, with your basic shopping list  sat on the car seat next to you.

You pull into the car park......CHAOS! Everyone and his dog has decided to avoid the busy times and the car park is now rammed! People are throwing themselves in front of your car with a supermarket trolley as a battering ram whilst you search for a parking space. You see one. Lordy, there is a space! FANTASTIC! You go to pull in and.....ahhhhr SMALL car! Small cars should not be allowed to park at Christmas with their evil 'this space is empty' trick that they do. You are now trapped between a conga line of shoppers and a pensioner reversing into a parking space 'to save time.’ How reversing into a space ever saves time Gym Ninja does not know? You have to reverse either in or out at some point so it defeats the object surely?  You carry on...there are no spaces and you are being wafted by a 'Car Park Attendant' in a high viz yellow jacket towards that far part of the car park you've only ever seen from a distance. You may need a trail of breadcrumbs to find your way back to the car it is that far away from the store. Surely no one has ever been in this part of the car park other than skateboarding teenagers with bottles of cider? Ooh, that's a thought-maybe some cider, seeing as it's Christmas....?

You drag the 18 Bags For Life out of the car and head towards the speck in the distance that is the supermarket. You can already see there is a shortage of trolleys so grab the nearest abandoned one on route. You feel smug that you have a trolley. Within 5 minutes you feel cursed as you have a trolley with a wheel-defect......clunk clunk clunk.....

Once in store you are overwhelmed by a blast of heat, then physically rammed by 4 shoppers from different directions. No room for dithering in the supermarket today! Think fast, move fast.  You pass the display of Poinsettias. Hmm, do you want one? It IS seasonal after all no? They are only £1.99. You pick up a Poinsettia and put it in your trolley. 4 leaves fall off it immediately. Stupid plant. You head towards the Fruit & Veg. Good. Healthy eating is the plan remember?  

In the Fruit & Veg section you brace yourself and reach for your shopping list. Basics plus a few treats remember? The list....the list...hmmm....where is the list? Bugger! The list is still on the seat of the car. AHHHR! OK, so no big deal. You can remember what was on the list, right? You head towards the broccoli. You have to fight a burly pensioner and a bad tempered mum of 3 for a few heads of broccoli that are more stalk and less head.  Aha....SPROUTS! You hate sprouts but they are Christmassy so you technically need them. You have to boil them into a sludgy lump that smells of farts or it is not a proper Christmas.  You then move on to the carrots where everyone is fighting for the biggest carrots they can find. Ladies! Will you NEVER learn that bigger is not always better?  Talking of such things, you soon find yourself heading over to the nuts. Some things never change eh?  This was on your list surely? After all, you need nuts at Christmas to fill up the teeny tiny small spaces left in your stomach after the main meal...you cannot possibly leave any gaps in your stomach on Christmas Day....’tis the law.

With nuts and various selections of fruit and veg placed into the trolley, you accidentally bang into a few pallets of potatoes and head towards the main part of the supermarket. You run the gauntlet of Husbands wearily slumped over the trolley as their Wives pile ‘em high.  You narrowly avoid children running amok through the store whilst their parents ignore them. Far worse is when the child is put in charge of the trolley to keep them ‘interested.’  Yeah, well it MAY keep them interested but it just lost you your big toe as the child has yet to learn the dimensions and controls of their trolley. Grr. You decide to be 'efficient' and park your trolley at the bottom of each aisle as you dash up and down them to gather up what you need. Basics, basics, basics.....Ok so that's tinned tomatoes and tomato puree for adding to stuff, flour for baking, a low fat spray to keep the calories low as you cook. You feel smug at this! SMUG! See? Your healthy eating is SO on track this year. You head towards the chiller section......

 It's cold! 

You do an audible "brrrr" you only ever do in supermarket chiller sections as you clang your trolley against 5 others who are congregated around the turkeys. The turkey area looks like a whole rack of mooning bottoms, and you are now part of the vast crowd staring back at them. Cue much prodding of turkeys, then feeling slightly pervy at prodding the turkeys as it feels ‘a bit funny,’ then not actually knowing why you are prodding them? What you DO know is that you wanted that one that the lady in the red coat has just picked up. Grrrr! Stressed! You settle for a huge turkey the size of next door's dog, and heave it into the trolley. You notice that the turkey also has goosebumps. Or should that be turkey-bumps?  Anyhow, this pondering is not helping so you start to maneuver the trolley towards the sausages. It's one big innuendo this shopping trip so far. You need the sausages for many many reasons. Mostly because it just wouldn't be Christmas without rolls of reconstituted nostrils, testicles, ears and nipples (aka sausages-can you tell Gym Ninja is not a fan??) to munch on. This supermarket shop is now in Frankie Howerd territory! 

CHEESE!!! 

Surely you added cheese on your list? You remember you had added one....but look? Look at the pretty cheeses. Thousands of them. All different colours, with fancy names, italic lettered labels, oh and the ones in the cute boxes. They look fun. Oooh, and the one that smells of rotting feet. Ah, now you probably meant to add that to the list no? Plus you need the round one. Your Uncle likes the one that has blue bits of mould running through it that contaminates anything within a 5 mile radius so that needs to be bought. Hmm, best to add 7 or 8 cheeses to the trolley 'just in case'.......*clunk* goes the ton of cheese that hits the bottom of the trolley, squashing the broccoli as it falls.

Sound familiar so far......? Yep. Thought so.....! Well, it is getting a tad long this blog so Gym Ninja has chopped it up for easy bite sized (low cal of course) blog chunks, so be sure to report back tomorrow for your next stage of the Great Christmas Supermarket Shop.......tomorrow we leave the chiller section for pastures new...!

Spintastic Ninja

RUBBISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Gym Ninja is rubbish at blogging isn't she? Pfft! Have you even returned? HAVE YOU?


Well Gym Ninja has a backlog of gym fodder for you, starting with.....oh ok, your favourite type of blog. A SPIN blog!


*cue cheers from the few of you who have bothered to turn up*


Gym Ninja did two spin sessions on two consecutive days. The typical Saturday Session was a long hard painful ride, reminiscent of a guy Gym Ninja once dated: Boring, uncomfortable and carried on far too long leaving Gym Ninja with painful nether regions...... so the next day Gym Ninja was determined to select a different bike.


Dangly came in and watched Gym Ninja faffing with bikes.


"You do realise the seats are different shapes" He said, a smug look on his face.


Gym Ninja stared at the seats. She was unaware of this. True to what Dangly said, there were indeed two distinctly different shapes of seats. One seat was smooth, and the other had a small channel down the middle.


"That'll be for guys" Said Dangly, pointing at the channel.


Gym Ninja looked blank...and then twigged. 
Oh God yeh, ahem, right.


"I see" Replied Gym Ninja, keen not to take that chat any further. "Right, I'd best get a smooth saddle, what with being a girl and all..."


But no.


Dangly didn't want to let it lie.


"You know WHY it's got that groove in it don't you?" He questioned.


"Yep, yeh no need to go into detail as I know how it works now!" retorted Gym Ninja as she rapidly unscrewed the seat with the ravine in it and replaced it with a smooth seat.


"It's for the BALL SACK!" At this, Dangly beamed.


Oh. Dear. God.


Gym Ninja winced. It was a Sunday. No need to talk ball sacks with Dangly Earring man. 


But would he let it go? No. Like a dog with a bone. 
"They kind of rest their ball sack in the gap, so it doesn't get all squashed. Obviously you women don't have those so you don't need them".


NO NO NO NO NO!


NO Biology lesson from Dangly please. How terribly awkward. Did Dangly think Gym Ninja was unaware of the difference between male and females or was Dangly actually double checking?


Right..........and so the class began and Gym Ninja, having fatigued herself doing a corker of a session the day before, found the class a tad more challenging and started to flag in the last 15 mins.  The Aircon wasn't working and the whole room was sodden with other people's sweat. Gym Ninja's sweat too of course, but this is ok as she is used to it. By minute 45 Gym Ninja looked as if she'd been for a swim.


The Instructor was about to start a track to run to. That's when you stand and sprint fast and have seated rest intervals. TORTURE!


"Who's finding it hot?" She shouted.


Gym Ninja made a hot sounding noise, obviously, and the Instructor looked over.


"Here, you are always getting too hot. Come up here on the podium and use my bike. YOU can take us for run intervals"


WHAAAAAAAT?


Everyone turned around and started to nod. Oh great, Just as Gym Ninja had planned to take it easy, she would now have to climb up onto a spotlit platform in front of everyone else and lead the sprints, which of course meant extra effort.  Gym Ninja sloped towards the podium...never one to miss an opportunity to make a bad situation worse, Gym Ninja decided to make the most of it.


"I'm available to hire you know, as a freelance Personal Trainer!" 


"Do you want to wear the head mic?" Asked Instructor. Gym Ninja looked at the battery powered mic and felt how sodden her hair was. Hmm, best not otherwise death via electrocution was a distinct possibility. 


Thus began the world's longest track..or so it seemed? Gym Ninja sprinted far longer and harder than she ever had done before, and so the class copied. Oops. Gym Ninja forgot they were copying her! By the time the track ended the class were almost dead.


At the end of the session Gym Ninja got a nice round of applause that appeased her ego (ahem) & after the cool down Gym Ninja walked across the Gym with Dangly.


"You did well" He said, begrudgingly. You have to love someone so negative all the time. But no, he wasn't about to be all nicey nice!


"I noticed you didn't want to wear the head mic for fear it'd mess your hair up though!" At this, Dangly smirked. 


Gym Ninja looked at Dangly and pointed at her hair, which was by now a total mess and plastered to her head. 


"Er, I think you'll find that's NOT why. My hair is already a mess".


Dangly nodded. "Yeh, looks like Furby hair!".


WHAAAAAAT? The cheek of the man!


Gym Ninja then finished off her cool down stretches and headed to the changing rooms, walking past the marathon runner who always mooches around the changing room area in freaky flesh toned underwear that makes her look, from a distance, like a censored pair of breasts (no nipples).  Flesh toned underwear. WHY? Unless you are wearing transparent clothing, then is it REALLY needed?????


Short and sweet but at least there IS a blog today! Gym Ninja MUST try harder!!!!