RUBBISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gym Ninja is rubbish at blogging isn't she? Pfft! Have you even returned? HAVE YOU?
Well Gym Ninja has a backlog of gym fodder for you, starting with.....oh ok, your favourite type of blog. A SPIN blog!
*cue cheers from the few of you who have bothered to turn up*
Gym Ninja did two spin sessions on two consecutive days. The typical Saturday Session was a long hard painful ride, reminiscent of a guy Gym Ninja once dated: Boring, uncomfortable and carried on far too long leaving Gym Ninja with painful nether regions...... so the next day Gym Ninja was determined to select a different bike.
Dangly came in and watched Gym Ninja faffing with bikes.
"You do realise the seats are different shapes" He said, a smug look on his face.
Gym Ninja stared at the seats. She was unaware of this. True to what Dangly said, there were indeed two distinctly different shapes of seats. One seat was smooth, and the other had a small channel down the middle.
"That'll be for guys" Said Dangly, pointing at the channel.
Gym Ninja looked blank...and then twigged.
Oh God yeh, ahem, right.
"I see" Replied Gym Ninja, keen not to take that chat any further. "Right, I'd best get a smooth saddle, what with being a girl and all..."
But no.
Dangly didn't want to let it lie.
"You know WHY it's got that groove in it don't you?" He questioned.
"Yep, yeh no need to go into detail as I know how it works now!" retorted Gym Ninja as she rapidly unscrewed the seat with the ravine in it and replaced it with a smooth seat.
"It's for the BALL SACK!" At this, Dangly beamed.
Oh. Dear. God.
Gym Ninja winced. It was a Sunday. No need to talk ball sacks with Dangly Earring man.
But would he let it go? No. Like a dog with a bone.
"They kind of rest their ball sack in the gap, so it doesn't get all squashed. Obviously you women don't have those so you don't need them".
NO NO NO NO NO!
NO Biology lesson from Dangly please. How terribly awkward. Did Dangly think Gym Ninja was unaware of the difference between male and females or was Dangly actually double checking?
Right..........and so the class began and Gym Ninja, having fatigued herself doing a corker of a session the day before, found the class a tad more challenging and started to flag in the last 15 mins. The Aircon wasn't working and the whole room was sodden with other people's sweat. Gym Ninja's sweat too of course, but this is ok as she is used to it. By minute 45 Gym Ninja looked as if she'd been for a swim.
The Instructor was about to start a track to run to. That's when you stand and sprint fast and have seated rest intervals. TORTURE!
"Who's finding it hot?" She shouted.
Gym Ninja made a hot sounding noise, obviously, and the Instructor looked over.
"Here, you are always getting too hot. Come up here on the podium and use my bike. YOU can take us for run intervals"
WHAAAAAAAT?
Everyone turned around and started to nod. Oh great, Just as Gym Ninja had planned to take it easy, she would now have to climb up onto a spotlit platform in front of everyone else and lead the sprints, which of course meant extra effort. Gym Ninja sloped towards the podium...never one to miss an opportunity to make a bad situation worse, Gym Ninja decided to make the most of it.
"I'm available to hire you know, as a freelance Personal Trainer!"
"Do you want to wear the head mic?" Asked Instructor. Gym Ninja looked at the battery powered mic and felt how sodden her hair was. Hmm, best not otherwise death via electrocution was a distinct possibility.
Thus began the world's longest track..or so it seemed? Gym Ninja sprinted far longer and harder than she ever had done before, and so the class copied. Oops. Gym Ninja forgot they were copying her! By the time the track ended the class were almost dead.
At the end of the session Gym Ninja got a nice round of applause that appeased her ego (ahem) & after the cool down Gym Ninja walked across the Gym with Dangly.
"You did well" He said, begrudgingly. You have to love someone so negative all the time. But no, he wasn't about to be all nicey nice!
"I noticed you didn't want to wear the head mic for fear it'd mess your hair up though!" At this, Dangly smirked.
Gym Ninja looked at Dangly and pointed at her hair, which was by now a total mess and plastered to her head.
"Er, I think you'll find that's NOT why. My hair is already a mess".
Dangly nodded. "Yeh, looks like Furby hair!".
WHAAAAAAT? The cheek of the man!
Gym Ninja then finished off her cool down stretches and headed to the changing rooms, walking past the marathon runner who always mooches around the changing room area in freaky flesh toned underwear that makes her look, from a distance, like a censored pair of breasts (no nipples). Flesh toned underwear. WHY? Unless you are wearing transparent clothing, then is it REALLY needed?????
Short and sweet but at least there IS a blog today! Gym Ninja MUST try harder!!!!
Showing posts with label Spin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spin. Show all posts
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Monday, 25 October 2010
Slapgate: The Aftermath
It's rare nowadays for Gym Ninja to be able to train on a Sunday morning due to a regular PT booking, however this week her client was away, leaving Gym Ninja the opportunity to work out early and hit the Sunday Spin Class too. Perhaps 'hit' is not quite the best choice of words to use, but you get the idea.
Once in the Changing Rooms, Gym Ninja was again faced with one of her pet hates.
Listen people.
Gym Lockers are all uniquely numbered. The way to remember where your stuff is, is to remember the number of the locker. NO NEED for a grown adult to do this...
Obviously there were oddballs at the gym today, as on route exiting the changing rooms, Gym Ninja passed this.....
Yes, someone had brought JAM into the gym.
Gym Jam!
Pfft!
Gym Ninja had plenty of time today, partly thanks to getting up earlier to watch the Korean Grand Prix (that then went bland due to excessive rain), so she had plenty of time to warm up before going into the Spin Studio. On the new 'old' bike that Gym Ninja had to select yesterday due to re-arrangement of the room, was sat a woman with noodles for hair. She was really really tall, yet had not changed the seat and handlebar heigh settings since Gym Ninja had used it the day before, so looked a bit like a circus entertainer (the type who pedal on teeny tiny bikes). All knees and elbows. Oh and noodles for hair. Gym Ninja took another bike. This one felt weird too. Pfft!
With Noodles talking loudly to her circus companion, Gym Ninja quaffed her can of 'emergency energy' & warmed up as the room started to get full. Oooh, lots of different faces in a Sunday session. Today Gym Ninja appeared to be the newbie.
"It's cold isn't it?" Said Noodles to her friend.
"I should have brought a scarf!"
Stupid Noodles! If you WILL insist on taking up the bike right under the aircon vent (which is EXACTLY why Gym Ninja sits there) then you may have to expect some sort of wind chill for goodness sake! Gym Ninja then tried to turn away, as the aircon was blowing Noodles hair into semi-straight strands before they pinged back into tight curls again. How terribly distracting.....
The class got underway. Spin CLIMB today. Lots of moments where you put the resistance up so high and you briefly pause and then can't start again. At one point, The Instructor got off her bike and paraded around the room again, shouting encouragement.
"I'm NOT going near you!" She smiled.
Fine! Saves Gym Ninja slapping her again.
"Did you know, SHE slapped me yesterday?" Shouted the Instructor to the room full of strangers. The strangers gawped at Gym Ninja whilst they pedalled hard up their imaginary hill.
Lovin the drama, the Spin Instructor continued, warming to her theme of abuse.
"Yep, she slapped me RIGHT across the face, just here!" At that, The instructor pointed to her left cheek. The strangers gasped, theatrically.
"It left a BIG red mark AND I fell onto the floor!" She continued, smirking at Gym Ninja.
Oh cheers great! Now everyone in the room thought Gym Ninja was violent. Noodles leaned further away from Gym Ninja at this last fact. To be fair, that was a good thing, as it meant less risk of being poked in the eye with a stray curl.
Post Spin, Gym Ninja headed to the weights section. Legs. Now Gym Ninja's legs had been exhausted after an hour of spin climb, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do to keep her bum from being anything other than solid! Hammer Strength Leg Press, Hack Squat, Straight Legged Deadlifts and also some Farmers Walks. OK, so Gym Ninja is no farmer, Let us just call them heavy dumbbell walking lunges ok?
Now the walking lunges were to be done on the running/walking track that circles inside the gym. However just as Gym Ninja stood ready to begin, she was overtaken by a group of muppets on boingy springs. Aka The Kangoo Class!
Boing boing boing boing they ran, around the track. GO BACK INTO THE AEROBICS STUDIO!
STOP being stupid in public! Uhh! How can Gym Ninja lunge when there are people bouncing all around her?
So Gym Ninja grumpily (there's a surprise) picked up her dumbbells and sloped off to another part of the gym so she could properly fry her legs. Once this had been successfully achieved, Gym Ninja braved the spiral staircase to the changing rooms with legs that behaved like soggy string, showered, filled up on Promax protein and then left....
PS
The Gym Jam was STILL there........
Once in the Changing Rooms, Gym Ninja was again faced with one of her pet hates.
Listen people.
Gym Lockers are all uniquely numbered. The way to remember where your stuff is, is to remember the number of the locker. NO NEED for a grown adult to do this...
Obviously there were oddballs at the gym today, as on route exiting the changing rooms, Gym Ninja passed this.....
Yes, someone had brought JAM into the gym.
Gym Jam!
Pfft!
Gym Ninja had plenty of time today, partly thanks to getting up earlier to watch the Korean Grand Prix (that then went bland due to excessive rain), so she had plenty of time to warm up before going into the Spin Studio. On the new 'old' bike that Gym Ninja had to select yesterday due to re-arrangement of the room, was sat a woman with noodles for hair. She was really really tall, yet had not changed the seat and handlebar heigh settings since Gym Ninja had used it the day before, so looked a bit like a circus entertainer (the type who pedal on teeny tiny bikes). All knees and elbows. Oh and noodles for hair. Gym Ninja took another bike. This one felt weird too. Pfft!
With Noodles talking loudly to her circus companion, Gym Ninja quaffed her can of 'emergency energy' & warmed up as the room started to get full. Oooh, lots of different faces in a Sunday session. Today Gym Ninja appeared to be the newbie.
"It's cold isn't it?" Said Noodles to her friend.
"I should have brought a scarf!"
Stupid Noodles! If you WILL insist on taking up the bike right under the aircon vent (which is EXACTLY why Gym Ninja sits there) then you may have to expect some sort of wind chill for goodness sake! Gym Ninja then tried to turn away, as the aircon was blowing Noodles hair into semi-straight strands before they pinged back into tight curls again. How terribly distracting.....
The class got underway. Spin CLIMB today. Lots of moments where you put the resistance up so high and you briefly pause and then can't start again. At one point, The Instructor got off her bike and paraded around the room again, shouting encouragement.
"I'm NOT going near you!" She smiled.
Fine! Saves Gym Ninja slapping her again.
"Did you know, SHE slapped me yesterday?" Shouted the Instructor to the room full of strangers. The strangers gawped at Gym Ninja whilst they pedalled hard up their imaginary hill.
Lovin the drama, the Spin Instructor continued, warming to her theme of abuse.
"Yep, she slapped me RIGHT across the face, just here!" At that, The instructor pointed to her left cheek. The strangers gasped, theatrically.
"It left a BIG red mark AND I fell onto the floor!" She continued, smirking at Gym Ninja.
Oh cheers great! Now everyone in the room thought Gym Ninja was violent. Noodles leaned further away from Gym Ninja at this last fact. To be fair, that was a good thing, as it meant less risk of being poked in the eye with a stray curl.
Post Spin, Gym Ninja headed to the weights section. Legs. Now Gym Ninja's legs had been exhausted after an hour of spin climb, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do to keep her bum from being anything other than solid! Hammer Strength Leg Press, Hack Squat, Straight Legged Deadlifts and also some Farmers Walks. OK, so Gym Ninja is no farmer, Let us just call them heavy dumbbell walking lunges ok?
Now the walking lunges were to be done on the running/walking track that circles inside the gym. However just as Gym Ninja stood ready to begin, she was overtaken by a group of muppets on boingy springs. Aka The Kangoo Class!
Boing boing boing boing they ran, around the track. GO BACK INTO THE AEROBICS STUDIO!
STOP being stupid in public! Uhh! How can Gym Ninja lunge when there are people bouncing all around her?
So Gym Ninja grumpily (there's a surprise) picked up her dumbbells and sloped off to another part of the gym so she could properly fry her legs. Once this had been successfully achieved, Gym Ninja braved the spiral staircase to the changing rooms with legs that behaved like soggy string, showered, filled up on Promax protein and then left....
PS
The Gym Jam was STILL there........
Friday, 22 October 2010
Rushed Ninja
Another Saturday (OK so it's 6 days late), another Saturday Slaughter Session.......or was it?
Gym Ninja opened her eyes......Saturday, and her alarm was yet to go off. This was good. It is good to wake before the alarm. Allows the body a bit more time to come to, wake up and.....AHHHHHHR!
The alarm clock flashed up 8.58am.
8.58am.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Gym Ninja set's her alarm on a Saturday for 7.30am. This allows her time to wake up slowly, get showered, have a couple of mugs of tea, get dressed & fed/watered before packing up her gym bag & heading out of the door by 9.15am. Then it's a 15-20 min drive to the gym depending on traffic and time to warm up before the 10am hour of Extreme Spin that starts off a typical Saturday Slaughter Session.
Firstly, HOW come Gym Ninja's neighbour, who usually has a determined streak focussed on making as much early morning noise as possible via the adjoining wall, had remained quiet today? Had she have begun with her usual 'where's the missing object from the chest of drawers against the wall' game then Gym Ninja would never have overslept! This meant Gym Ninja now had exactly 22 minutes to get up & out of the house. NOT possible for one so slow at waking surely???
This is how it went.
8.58am: Woke up. Saw time. Panicked. Leapt out of bed.
8.58am and 30 seconds: Cat fell off the bed having been cuddled up close, fast asleep.
9.00am: Galloped downstairs, two cats running alongside Gym Ninja like whippets!
9.01am: Cat food on cats heads due to more-haste-less-speed moment. Kettle on.
9.02am: Wheat Free Pitta in toaster, back upstairs to get ready.
9.12am: Back downstairs, hair fashioned in the drag-through-hedge-backwards style. Pitta now stone cold.
9.13am: Tea made, cold, brittle pitta filled with cottage cheese & stuffed down face whilst scooping Promax protein powder into shaker bottle. Gym bag packed.
9.14am: Cats faff at patio doors deciding whether to go out or not? Gym Ninja pushes cats bottoms out of door. Yep. You wanted to go out!
9.15am: BCAAs popped, energy drink downed, cats dish trodden in by accident.
9.16am: Foot scraped clean of cat food. Bag grabbed. Quest for doorkeys begins.
9.18am: Keys found in first place Gym Ninja looked then returned to, but after also checking 17 other places.
9.19am: Bag in car, engine on, car reversing down driveway.
9.20am: Car stopped due to cats now rolling in path of car. Cats picked up, carried to house, stuffed through open door. One cat escapes, allows Gym Ninja to chase him for a while, then runs back into house of own accord.
9.21am: Car journey commences.
9.32am: 15-20 minute journey condensed into 12 mins courtesy of jumping a red light & following the racing line.......
PHEW!
By the time Gym Ninja reached the gym, she was more than a little frazzled.
"Where were you last week?" Barked Dangly, frowning at Gym Ninja.
Gym Ninja wondered.
Where WAS she? Her brain was still asleep. Ahhh right-London for the weekend with her partner in Crime 'Red' (she is named after the knitted C'Mon Corsa ad character. They have the same lips donchaknow).
Dangly looked disgusted.
"Pfft! Yeh right!"
He then turned away, a look of hurt in his eyes.
OMG! Since when did Gym Ninja have to report her diary to the man with the dangly earring? Jeeeeeeez!
So sat back on her usual spin bike of choice (Dangly was quick to point out that the girl who stole Gym Ninja's bike the other week had now taken a bike at the furthest away point to them since Gym Ninja had done a Kevin The Teenager act when she took it one week), Gym Ninja prepared for an hour of Extreme Spin knowing full well her body had no only barely woken up, but was still digesting breakfast. Should make for an interesting session?
Uhh!
One hour later, Gym Ninja stumbled out of the session, half dead and still not 100% awake. Great. Fantastic start to the weekend. Passing a row of treadmills hiked up to 15% incline with about 5 women hanging on for dear life, Gym Ninja was too tired even to contemplate un-peeling their fingers from the treadmill handles to stop them cheating. Yep. THAT tired and asleep.
Now, there was much MUCH more to this blog post than is now typed up. However Gym Ninja currently has the brain of a goldfish, so when new things come into the front of her brain, the older stuff falls back out of the other side, lost forever Possibly it's just as well? This will allow Gym Ninja to ensure she types up her blog in a less tardy manner in future. There is a vague recollection of a few things that did happen or catch Gym Ninja's eye, such as the man with the dimply deltoids, the girl who runs like a horse galloping (Gym Ninja needs to decide if she has a plastic leg (well, Ok so no 'plastic' but you know ...er..prosthetic that's it!), the PJ Boys & something about a very old lady bending over naked in the changing rooms....hmm, maybe Gym Ninja didn't 'forget'? Maybe her brain blanked it out due to trauma???????
So with great apologies, this blog post now endeth abruptly. Pfft!
Gym Ninja opened her eyes......Saturday, and her alarm was yet to go off. This was good. It is good to wake before the alarm. Allows the body a bit more time to come to, wake up and.....AHHHHHHR!
The alarm clock flashed up 8.58am.
8.58am.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Gym Ninja set's her alarm on a Saturday for 7.30am. This allows her time to wake up slowly, get showered, have a couple of mugs of tea, get dressed & fed/watered before packing up her gym bag & heading out of the door by 9.15am. Then it's a 15-20 min drive to the gym depending on traffic and time to warm up before the 10am hour of Extreme Spin that starts off a typical Saturday Slaughter Session.
Firstly, HOW come Gym Ninja's neighbour, who usually has a determined streak focussed on making as much early morning noise as possible via the adjoining wall, had remained quiet today? Had she have begun with her usual 'where's the missing object from the chest of drawers against the wall' game then Gym Ninja would never have overslept! This meant Gym Ninja now had exactly 22 minutes to get up & out of the house. NOT possible for one so slow at waking surely???
This is how it went.
8.58am: Woke up. Saw time. Panicked. Leapt out of bed.
8.58am and 30 seconds: Cat fell off the bed having been cuddled up close, fast asleep.
9.00am: Galloped downstairs, two cats running alongside Gym Ninja like whippets!
9.01am: Cat food on cats heads due to more-haste-less-speed moment. Kettle on.
9.02am: Wheat Free Pitta in toaster, back upstairs to get ready.
9.12am: Back downstairs, hair fashioned in the drag-through-hedge-backwards style. Pitta now stone cold.
9.13am: Tea made, cold, brittle pitta filled with cottage cheese & stuffed down face whilst scooping Promax protein powder into shaker bottle. Gym bag packed.
9.14am: Cats faff at patio doors deciding whether to go out or not? Gym Ninja pushes cats bottoms out of door. Yep. You wanted to go out!
9.15am: BCAAs popped, energy drink downed, cats dish trodden in by accident.
9.16am: Foot scraped clean of cat food. Bag grabbed. Quest for doorkeys begins.
9.18am: Keys found in first place Gym Ninja looked then returned to, but after also checking 17 other places.
9.19am: Bag in car, engine on, car reversing down driveway.
9.20am: Car stopped due to cats now rolling in path of car. Cats picked up, carried to house, stuffed through open door. One cat escapes, allows Gym Ninja to chase him for a while, then runs back into house of own accord.
9.21am: Car journey commences.
9.32am: 15-20 minute journey condensed into 12 mins courtesy of jumping a red light & following the racing line.......
PHEW!
By the time Gym Ninja reached the gym, she was more than a little frazzled.
"Where were you last week?" Barked Dangly, frowning at Gym Ninja.
Gym Ninja wondered.
Where WAS she? Her brain was still asleep. Ahhh right-London for the weekend with her partner in Crime 'Red' (she is named after the knitted C'Mon Corsa ad character. They have the same lips donchaknow).
Dangly looked disgusted.
"Pfft! Yeh right!"
He then turned away, a look of hurt in his eyes.
OMG! Since when did Gym Ninja have to report her diary to the man with the dangly earring? Jeeeeeeez!
So sat back on her usual spin bike of choice (Dangly was quick to point out that the girl who stole Gym Ninja's bike the other week had now taken a bike at the furthest away point to them since Gym Ninja had done a Kevin The Teenager act when she took it one week), Gym Ninja prepared for an hour of Extreme Spin knowing full well her body had no only barely woken up, but was still digesting breakfast. Should make for an interesting session?
Uhh!
One hour later, Gym Ninja stumbled out of the session, half dead and still not 100% awake. Great. Fantastic start to the weekend. Passing a row of treadmills hiked up to 15% incline with about 5 women hanging on for dear life, Gym Ninja was too tired even to contemplate un-peeling their fingers from the treadmill handles to stop them cheating. Yep. THAT tired and asleep.
Now, there was much MUCH more to this blog post than is now typed up. However Gym Ninja currently has the brain of a goldfish, so when new things come into the front of her brain, the older stuff falls back out of the other side, lost forever Possibly it's just as well? This will allow Gym Ninja to ensure she types up her blog in a less tardy manner in future. There is a vague recollection of a few things that did happen or catch Gym Ninja's eye, such as the man with the dimply deltoids, the girl who runs like a horse galloping (Gym Ninja needs to decide if she has a plastic leg (well, Ok so no 'plastic' but you know ...er..prosthetic that's it!), the PJ Boys & something about a very old lady bending over naked in the changing rooms....hmm, maybe Gym Ninja didn't 'forget'? Maybe her brain blanked it out due to trauma???????
So with great apologies, this blog post now endeth abruptly. Pfft!
Friday, 15 October 2010
Saturday Slaughter is back baby!
Lookey lookey! A gym blog!
YAY! Finally!
Yep, 2 weekends ago Gym Ninja hit up her usual Saturday Slaughter Session. Ahh, it' s always good to start the weekend working up a sweat of some sort. Gym Ninja dragged herself out of bed, packed her bag (well, her GYM bag-she wasn't running away from home remember) & set out for the gym.
At the gym reception, a burly man was stood blocking the entrance, whistling along awkwardly to Madonna's Get Into The Groove. SO wrong a song choice to whistle along to Mr! Anyway, on with the story. Gym Ninja stuffed her gym bag into the locker and after a quick warm up went upstairs towards the Spin Studio, an hour of hardcore sweating awaiting her...
OMG!
Sat on Gym Ninja's regular 'creature of habit I do not like change' spin bike.....was .... a girl.
Whoah there lady! You must be new? GYM NINJA sits on that bike! ........
Sat on the bike next to Gym Ninja's now STOLEN bike was Dangly Cross Man. Now that was a betrayal and a half as he knew that was Gym Ninja's bike Goddamit! Why didn't he protect it?
With eyes the size of saucers due to incredulity of the situation (Dangly should have prevented the poor innocent woman from stealing Gym Ninja's place in front of the aircon vent) Gym Ninja slinked further into the room. The Spin Instructor greeted her with a 'where have YOU been lately' comment & smile.
"Er, more importantly, what's going on HERE?" Gestured Gym Ninja, waggling her hand towards the stolen bike.
"Ahh, she's ok. She's my mate." Smiled the Spin Instructor.
Great. Pfft!
Next minute...
"HEY! ... YOU NEED TO GET OFF THE BIKE! GYM NINJA SITS THERE AND SHE WANTS YOU OFF HER BIKE!"
Gee thanks Spin Instructor. How 'terribly' subtle.
The girl turned and looked at GN.
"Oh sorry, shall I get off it?"
Gym Ninja looked at the girl. Bugger.
"No no, don't be silly, it's not MY bike. It's just that I usually always every single week sit there, that's all. It's not 'mine' per say . Stay where you are, honestly, it's not a problem."
*cue forced smile*
"Are you sure? I can get off it you know. It's no problem".
At this, the bike thief started to dismount.
Uhh.
You know when you WANT them to do it? To get off the bike? Yet you know you can't actually allow them to do so for fear of being rumbled in terms of how pedantic you are?
Pfft.
With a casual 'it really doesn't matter' wave, Gym Ninja sat on another bike.
*sulks*
This bike felt funny. Stupid new bike...
Realising her water bottle was empty, GN then hopped off the nasty new bike & headed out to the water fountain. Already there was Spin Instructor.
"My mate was asking about you today!" She said, smirking.
Gym Ninja looked blank.
Spin Instructor elaborated.
"Remember him? The Fighter? He came to spin ages ago & really fancies you? He asked whether the fit girl would be there today. He meant you!"
Now Gym Ninja DID recall the Fighter. How could one not? When a ripped guy strides into a darkened Spin Room a girl does tend to clock him. In fact he made it to two sessions before Spin Instructor stuck him up on the bike at the front of the class, then part way through came over to Gym Ninja who was drowning in her own sweat. switched her mic off and whispered "My mate fancies you!" jerking her head back in the direction (& RIGHT in the line of vision) of the Fighter.
Awkward was NOT the word. Needless to say he'd never come back since!
'I told him you'd had two weeks off spin whilst your new tattoo across your arse healed. He loved that!"
At this, Spin Instructor elbowed Gym Ninja in the ribs, laughed evilly and walked off.
Great. How terribly embarrassing!
The hour of spin went slowly, partly due to the new unknown bike that recreated a bicycle version of 'Princess & The Pea' with Gym Ninja's backside. Damn you Bike Thief! Now Gym Ninja was almost ruined for all men!!!! Hobbling out of the session like a broken Rodeo Rider, Gym Ninja headed to a stretch area to cool off and stretch out. That'd be the stretch area overlooking the Hydropool. Hmm.
The Hydropool was full of it's usual 'types'. A smattering of incredibly hairy men rocking so much body hair you could see it all matted and tangling from the first floor. It's when the hair on their torso is so long you can see it fanning out onto the surface of the water that tests the stomach! Then there was the Frisky Couple. Usually facially challenged (ugly if being less politically correct) who are rubbing up against each other, oblivious to the looks of disgust from those seated near them. There is the Pervy Man. He sits bang in the middle of the Hydropool right opposite the steps leading in/out so he has the best view of all the women as they leave. Pervy Man never blinks. He does slobber excessively though. Then there are the group of teenage boys who sit together staring at any girl walking past or using the Hydropool. They look a tad uncomfortable and usually have their hands below the waterline...
As you can probably gather, today would not be a day Gym Ninja wished to use the Hydropool, so once showered, changed & replenished with her Maximuscle Promax Shake, Gym Ninja made a sharp exit away from stolen Spin Bikes, Matchmaking with Fighters and The Circus in a Hydropool......
At the gym reception, a burly man was stood blocking the entrance, whistling along awkwardly to Madonna's Get Into The Groove. SO wrong a song choice to whistle along to Mr! Anyway, on with the story. Gym Ninja stuffed her gym bag into the locker and after a quick warm up went upstairs towards the Spin Studio, an hour of hardcore sweating awaiting her...
OMG!
Sat on Gym Ninja's regular 'creature of habit I do not like change' spin bike.....was .... a girl.
Whoah there lady! You must be new? GYM NINJA sits on that bike! ........
Sat on the bike next to Gym Ninja's now STOLEN bike was Dangly Cross Man. Now that was a betrayal and a half as he knew that was Gym Ninja's bike Goddamit! Why didn't he protect it?
With eyes the size of saucers due to incredulity of the situation (Dangly should have prevented the poor innocent woman from stealing Gym Ninja's place in front of the aircon vent) Gym Ninja slinked further into the room. The Spin Instructor greeted her with a 'where have YOU been lately' comment & smile.
"Er, more importantly, what's going on HERE?" Gestured Gym Ninja, waggling her hand towards the stolen bike.
"Ahh, she's ok. She's my mate." Smiled the Spin Instructor.
Great. Pfft!
Next minute...
"HEY! ... YOU NEED TO GET OFF THE BIKE! GYM NINJA SITS THERE AND SHE WANTS YOU OFF HER BIKE!"
Gee thanks Spin Instructor. How 'terribly' subtle.
The girl turned and looked at GN.
"Oh sorry, shall I get off it?"
Gym Ninja looked at the girl. Bugger.
"No no, don't be silly, it's not MY bike. It's just that I usually always every single week sit there, that's all. It's not 'mine' per say . Stay where you are, honestly, it's not a problem."
*cue forced smile*
"Are you sure? I can get off it you know. It's no problem".
At this, the bike thief started to dismount.
Uhh.
You know when you WANT them to do it? To get off the bike? Yet you know you can't actually allow them to do so for fear of being rumbled in terms of how pedantic you are?
Pfft.
With a casual 'it really doesn't matter' wave, Gym Ninja sat on another bike.
*sulks*
This bike felt funny. Stupid new bike...
Realising her water bottle was empty, GN then hopped off the nasty new bike & headed out to the water fountain. Already there was Spin Instructor.
"My mate was asking about you today!" She said, smirking.
Gym Ninja looked blank.
Spin Instructor elaborated.
"Remember him? The Fighter? He came to spin ages ago & really fancies you? He asked whether the fit girl would be there today. He meant you!"
Now Gym Ninja DID recall the Fighter. How could one not? When a ripped guy strides into a darkened Spin Room a girl does tend to clock him. In fact he made it to two sessions before Spin Instructor stuck him up on the bike at the front of the class, then part way through came over to Gym Ninja who was drowning in her own sweat. switched her mic off and whispered "My mate fancies you!" jerking her head back in the direction (& RIGHT in the line of vision) of the Fighter.
Awkward was NOT the word. Needless to say he'd never come back since!
'I told him you'd had two weeks off spin whilst your new tattoo across your arse healed. He loved that!"
At this, Spin Instructor elbowed Gym Ninja in the ribs, laughed evilly and walked off.
Great. How terribly embarrassing!
The hour of spin went slowly, partly due to the new unknown bike that recreated a bicycle version of 'Princess & The Pea' with Gym Ninja's backside. Damn you Bike Thief! Now Gym Ninja was almost ruined for all men!!!! Hobbling out of the session like a broken Rodeo Rider, Gym Ninja headed to a stretch area to cool off and stretch out. That'd be the stretch area overlooking the Hydropool. Hmm.
The Hydropool was full of it's usual 'types'. A smattering of incredibly hairy men rocking so much body hair you could see it all matted and tangling from the first floor. It's when the hair on their torso is so long you can see it fanning out onto the surface of the water that tests the stomach! Then there was the Frisky Couple. Usually facially challenged (ugly if being less politically correct) who are rubbing up against each other, oblivious to the looks of disgust from those seated near them. There is the Pervy Man. He sits bang in the middle of the Hydropool right opposite the steps leading in/out so he has the best view of all the women as they leave. Pervy Man never blinks. He does slobber excessively though. Then there are the group of teenage boys who sit together staring at any girl walking past or using the Hydropool. They look a tad uncomfortable and usually have their hands below the waterline...
As you can probably gather, today would not be a day Gym Ninja wished to use the Hydropool, so once showered, changed & replenished with her Maximuscle Promax Shake, Gym Ninja made a sharp exit away from stolen Spin Bikes, Matchmaking with Fighters and The Circus in a Hydropool......
Saturday, 24 July 2010
Saturday Slaughter
Ahh yep, blogging the same day it actually happened. Wow!
Today is Saturday and today was Saturday Slaughter Session time. Now Gym Ninja had yet another late night due to nothing other than general 'faffing' so had to drag herself out of bed today. She was also hoping that her mahooosive order from Maximuscle would arrive seeing as it hadn't done yesterday? By mahoosive Gym Ninja means 3 tubs of Promax (some with the special offer of 20% extra free...check out THIS LINK if you are interested in that as it is also on selected flavours of Promax, Promax Extreme & Promax Diet), a box of Promax Crisp bars which are fab if you want a guilt-free sweet snack yet have some protein too (good with a nice hot cuppa by the way!) and a tub of Promax Diet. They are doing some good offers at the moment so go check out the links and see what else they have offers on as they do tend to change all the time?
No sign.
Pah.
But a Slaughter Session waits for no Ninja, so out of the house galloped GN, with barely enough time to neck a Diet Emerge Energy Drink (still an absolute bargain at 25p per can of chemical fizziness ) before arriving at the gym. It was quieter than usual. Maybe down to the fact that the schools have now broken up and all the parents are out entertaining their bored children?
As there was a Y in the day, this meant NO air con was on at the gym. Maybe those huge air con panels on the wall are merely 'Representative Art Installations'? Anyhow, Gym Ninja found herself warming up on a treadmill next to Clippy who was currently doing her standard 10% incline, leaning back holding on type walk. A girl walked past, a huge fake flower the size of a side-plate clipped onto her head. Remarkable. Lycra and clip-in hair ornaments. Uhh, the warm up was hard work. Last week's boundless energy seems a distant memory. But up the stairs to the Spin Studio climbed Gym Ninja, and took up her place on her 'usual' bike.
Dangly immediately scolded Gym Ninja.
"Where were you AGAIN last week? You said you'd come in Sunday! I looked a right muppet as I put me towel on yer spin bike to save it for you and I had to move it to let someone else sit there!"
Dangly had pain and hurt in his eyes.....
"Yeh sorry about that but I slept in." Confessed Gym Ninja. "Er, I'm not going to be here tomorrow either as I've a client to train".
Dangly looked as if he were about to explode.
"OK so that will be THREE Sunday Spin Sessions in a row you'll have missed. That's IT! You're getting a warning!"
At this, he waggled his finger. Gym Ninja gave him a 'look'.
The class began, and it was then immediately apparent that Gym Ninja's usual bike had been wrecked when she was not here last time. She had a floppy pedal!!!!! Well, OK so the pedal strap didn't work. Every time it was tightened, it'd just then slowly loosen until Gym Ninja's left foot was left flailing around like it was made of rubber. After 10 minutes Gym Ninja abandoned the bike and moved to a fresh one.
The room was BOILING hot! The air con wasn't even blowing warm like it usually does. It wasn't blowing at all and even the Instructor who sits on a bike that has arctic air con streams blowing over her at all times was now sweating like a pig too. Great. Feeling tired and now the unbearable 'spin in a sauna environment' for the next hour. Joy! But what can Gym Ninja do when she's shut in a baking hot sauna style room but sweat like a pig and soldier on?
At the back of Gym Ninja's mind (and head) was the thought 'what about my hair?'
No, this was not Gym Ninja being vain. No. Last night Gym Ninja was bored so had whacked on a brown/black colour hair dye on, and as any girl knows, that first rinse is never quite enough to
a) Remove all of the dye
b) Remove that post-hair dye smell.
So what was the worry about the hair? Well anyone who has seen Gym Ninja post-spin will notice it appears she has dunked her head under water for an hour. So....what if the left-over hair dye that never quite comes off after that first wash decides that NOW is the time to start streaking it's way down Gym Ninja's face and neck? Great. Would Gym Ninja emerge from Spin as the missing member of Kiss? GN could certainly smell the hair dye....the heat and the sweat was encouraging it to run free...
EVENTUALLY (!) the hour was up and the cool down commenced. By this point Gym Ninja's sweat towel was sodden and had no absorbency left. Then the lights went up and......
PHEW!
Kiss did NOT have a new member. Admittedly Gym Ninja again appeared to look post-swim, however there were no black streaks snaking their way across the delts.
With that, Gym Ninja squelched out of the spin studio, nipped to the changing area to dry off and then finished up with some weights work and abs. Gym Ninja really wanted to hit the Hydropool today too as it's been way too long since her last venture into it, however she decided that it was tempting fate and it would be too hard to explain away a 'BP Oil Spill' type slick of black across the pool if her hair dye decided to finally run.
It is now a fair few hours later and still no sign of the Maximuscle Delivery. Pah!
Ah well, Gym Ninja possibly still has a few scrapings of powder at the bottom of her near-empty tub of Choc Chip protein...fingers crossed it arrives soon......
Toodle pip
Gym Ninja x
Today is Saturday and today was Saturday Slaughter Session time. Now Gym Ninja had yet another late night due to nothing other than general 'faffing' so had to drag herself out of bed today. She was also hoping that her mahooosive order from Maximuscle would arrive seeing as it hadn't done yesterday? By mahoosive Gym Ninja means 3 tubs of Promax (some with the special offer of 20% extra free...check out THIS LINK if you are interested in that as it is also on selected flavours of Promax, Promax Extreme & Promax Diet), a box of Promax Crisp bars which are fab if you want a guilt-free sweet snack yet have some protein too (good with a nice hot cuppa by the way!) and a tub of Promax Diet. They are doing some good offers at the moment so go check out the links and see what else they have offers on as they do tend to change all the time?
No sign.
Pah.
But a Slaughter Session waits for no Ninja, so out of the house galloped GN, with barely enough time to neck a Diet Emerge Energy Drink (still an absolute bargain at 25p per can of chemical fizziness ) before arriving at the gym. It was quieter than usual. Maybe down to the fact that the schools have now broken up and all the parents are out entertaining their bored children?
As there was a Y in the day, this meant NO air con was on at the gym. Maybe those huge air con panels on the wall are merely 'Representative Art Installations'? Anyhow, Gym Ninja found herself warming up on a treadmill next to Clippy who was currently doing her standard 10% incline, leaning back holding on type walk. A girl walked past, a huge fake flower the size of a side-plate clipped onto her head. Remarkable. Lycra and clip-in hair ornaments. Uhh, the warm up was hard work. Last week's boundless energy seems a distant memory. But up the stairs to the Spin Studio climbed Gym Ninja, and took up her place on her 'usual' bike.
Dangly immediately scolded Gym Ninja.
"Where were you AGAIN last week? You said you'd come in Sunday! I looked a right muppet as I put me towel on yer spin bike to save it for you and I had to move it to let someone else sit there!"
Dangly had pain and hurt in his eyes.....
"Yeh sorry about that but I slept in." Confessed Gym Ninja. "Er, I'm not going to be here tomorrow either as I've a client to train".
Dangly looked as if he were about to explode.
"OK so that will be THREE Sunday Spin Sessions in a row you'll have missed. That's IT! You're getting a warning!"
At this, he waggled his finger. Gym Ninja gave him a 'look'.
The class began, and it was then immediately apparent that Gym Ninja's usual bike had been wrecked when she was not here last time. She had a floppy pedal!!!!! Well, OK so the pedal strap didn't work. Every time it was tightened, it'd just then slowly loosen until Gym Ninja's left foot was left flailing around like it was made of rubber. After 10 minutes Gym Ninja abandoned the bike and moved to a fresh one.
The room was BOILING hot! The air con wasn't even blowing warm like it usually does. It wasn't blowing at all and even the Instructor who sits on a bike that has arctic air con streams blowing over her at all times was now sweating like a pig too. Great. Feeling tired and now the unbearable 'spin in a sauna environment' for the next hour. Joy! But what can Gym Ninja do when she's shut in a baking hot sauna style room but sweat like a pig and soldier on?
At the back of Gym Ninja's mind (and head) was the thought 'what about my hair?'
No, this was not Gym Ninja being vain. No. Last night Gym Ninja was bored so had whacked on a brown/black colour hair dye on, and as any girl knows, that first rinse is never quite enough to
a) Remove all of the dye
b) Remove that post-hair dye smell.
So what was the worry about the hair? Well anyone who has seen Gym Ninja post-spin will notice it appears she has dunked her head under water for an hour. So....what if the left-over hair dye that never quite comes off after that first wash decides that NOW is the time to start streaking it's way down Gym Ninja's face and neck? Great. Would Gym Ninja emerge from Spin as the missing member of Kiss? GN could certainly smell the hair dye....the heat and the sweat was encouraging it to run free...
EVENTUALLY (!) the hour was up and the cool down commenced. By this point Gym Ninja's sweat towel was sodden and had no absorbency left. Then the lights went up and......
PHEW!
Kiss did NOT have a new member. Admittedly Gym Ninja again appeared to look post-swim, however there were no black streaks snaking their way across the delts.
With that, Gym Ninja squelched out of the spin studio, nipped to the changing area to dry off and then finished up with some weights work and abs. Gym Ninja really wanted to hit the Hydropool today too as it's been way too long since her last venture into it, however she decided that it was tempting fate and it would be too hard to explain away a 'BP Oil Spill' type slick of black across the pool if her hair dye decided to finally run.
It is now a fair few hours later and still no sign of the Maximuscle Delivery. Pah!
Ah well, Gym Ninja possibly still has a few scrapings of powder at the bottom of her near-empty tub of Choc Chip protein...fingers crossed it arrives soon......
Toodle pip
Gym Ninja x
Monday, 12 July 2010
Sunday Slaughter!
No no no no no. NOT Saturday Slaughter Session people. Gym Ninja has been suffering from lack of sleep lately, and as a result very nearly slammed into the back of another car the other day, so taking this as a rather inappropriately named 'wake up call', GN had decided that to put her body through the usual Saturday gym session would do more harm than good, so instead slept in and went to the gym later on that day. Cardio and weights as per usual.
However this meant that Gym Ninja was missing a Spin Session from hell, hence the rising of the focussed Ninja that dragged herself out of bed Sunday morning and was determined to get that Spin high.
Admittedly not as tired as the previous day, it takes more than one night to catch up on the sleep deficit Gym Ninja is currently rocking, so she looked around for a pre workout boost. In the cupboard was a sample of 'pre workout formula' that Gym Ninja had received when at the BodyPower Expo...
'Reflex Pre Workout' powder.
Fruity (ahem) and designed to be mixed with water and quaffed prior to a workout. Mmm, sounded good. Nice silver packet too. So Gym Nina mixed it up and took a swig.....
*Bleurrrr*
You know that metallic chemical taste you get with some supplements? This unfortunately was one of those. Gym Ninja persevered and yet after 5 gulps decided that there was no way this was continuing down into her stomach, so instead poured it down the sink. Gym Ninja is certain she heard the plughole gag........
Gym Ninja arrived at the gym with 15 mins to spare before the hour long Hill Climbing Spin Session. Gathering her stuff together it was only when she reached to get her much needed (and compulsory apparently) Sweat Towel that Gym Ninja realised she'd forgotten hers.
AHHHR!
Gym Ninja sweats like a pig in Spin Class. The Sweat Towel can barely cope, so to NOT have one? GN may drown! Also, it adds to the whole annoyance factor knowing that back at home there are 5 gym towels all in the drawer, lying around, not mopping up sweat....Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Once in the Spin Studio Gym Ninja grabbed half a miles worth of paper tissue from the dispenser on the wall. That'd have to do. Taking up her position on the usual Spin Bike, Gym Ninja chatted to Dangly her Spin Buddy who informed her that the day before, the people who sit on the right hand side of the room had travelled across and sat on the Lefties side!
*gasp*
You miss ONE Spin class and things change!!!!
Wrapping the half mile of tissue around the handlebars, Gym Ninja settled down and prepared to sweat.......
And sweat she did! The tissue was hopeless. Gym Ninja had to use small tufts of it to ensure it lasted the whole hour. By the end of the class the floor space around Gym Ninja was littered!!!!!
A quick ab session later and Gym Ninja headed to the changing rooms to get a shower. Two girls were stood chatting...
"It gets boring on your own doesn't it? You know, coming to the gym and working out" Said one girl.
What?
Listen. If you are actually bored at the gym then you are either NOT training hard enough (as if you are then there is constant change in what you are doing so no time to get bored), OR you have been doing the same old thing for too long and need to get a PT or Gym Instructor to work out something new. The body is designed to find the least path of resistance and will adapt quickly to save energy to what you do. This is why you do not just pick one exercise programme and follow it forever as your body will adapt and progress will grind to a halt (assuming you haven't died of boredom yet)
After the post workout protein shake (choc mint Maximuscle Promax of course) and shower, Gym Ninja headed to the supermarket to stock up on cottage cheese, organic veg and eggs. Obviously other things too but thanks to forgetting the day before (which resulted in a tin of tuna as GN's evening meal) veggies were needed!!!!!!!!
As Gym Ninja shopped she again saw lots of people slumped over their supermarket trolleys. You know the way-whereby they rest their chest and arms all over the handles and then almost body surf through the store? Needless to say their trolleys are usually full of processed nonsense and carb-heavy (which would explain their listlessness). As Gym Ninja was packing and paying for her shopping, a really REALLY large man in yellow stood behind her in the queue said,
"Come on Skinny! You're giving me a complex here! I'm nursing a beer blister!"
At this, the Yellow man smiled and patted his incredibly large belly.
Yeh, like you needed to point that out.
"It's OK, I'm a Personal Trainer. Hire me!" Retorted Gym Ninja, seeing the panic in the Yellow Man's eyes as he suddenly thought he may be press-ganged into a workout!!!!!!
OMG, Gym Ninja must end this blog post now. Tiredness has just made her accidentally hit the delete button and it's taken GN ages to figure out how to get all this typing back!!!!!! NO WAY would there have been another attempt at a post!
Toodle pip
Gym Ninja x
However this meant that Gym Ninja was missing a Spin Session from hell, hence the rising of the focussed Ninja that dragged herself out of bed Sunday morning and was determined to get that Spin high.
Admittedly not as tired as the previous day, it takes more than one night to catch up on the sleep deficit Gym Ninja is currently rocking, so she looked around for a pre workout boost. In the cupboard was a sample of 'pre workout formula' that Gym Ninja had received when at the BodyPower Expo...
'Reflex Pre Workout' powder.
Fruity (ahem) and designed to be mixed with water and quaffed prior to a workout. Mmm, sounded good. Nice silver packet too. So Gym Nina mixed it up and took a swig.....
*Bleurrrr*
You know that metallic chemical taste you get with some supplements? This unfortunately was one of those. Gym Ninja persevered and yet after 5 gulps decided that there was no way this was continuing down into her stomach, so instead poured it down the sink. Gym Ninja is certain she heard the plughole gag........
Gym Ninja arrived at the gym with 15 mins to spare before the hour long Hill Climbing Spin Session. Gathering her stuff together it was only when she reached to get her much needed (and compulsory apparently) Sweat Towel that Gym Ninja realised she'd forgotten hers.
AHHHR!
Gym Ninja sweats like a pig in Spin Class. The Sweat Towel can barely cope, so to NOT have one? GN may drown! Also, it adds to the whole annoyance factor knowing that back at home there are 5 gym towels all in the drawer, lying around, not mopping up sweat....Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Once in the Spin Studio Gym Ninja grabbed half a miles worth of paper tissue from the dispenser on the wall. That'd have to do. Taking up her position on the usual Spin Bike, Gym Ninja chatted to Dangly her Spin Buddy who informed her that the day before, the people who sit on the right hand side of the room had travelled across and sat on the Lefties side!
*gasp*
You miss ONE Spin class and things change!!!!
Wrapping the half mile of tissue around the handlebars, Gym Ninja settled down and prepared to sweat.......
And sweat she did! The tissue was hopeless. Gym Ninja had to use small tufts of it to ensure it lasted the whole hour. By the end of the class the floor space around Gym Ninja was littered!!!!!
A quick ab session later and Gym Ninja headed to the changing rooms to get a shower. Two girls were stood chatting...
"It gets boring on your own doesn't it? You know, coming to the gym and working out" Said one girl.
What?
Listen. If you are actually bored at the gym then you are either NOT training hard enough (as if you are then there is constant change in what you are doing so no time to get bored), OR you have been doing the same old thing for too long and need to get a PT or Gym Instructor to work out something new. The body is designed to find the least path of resistance and will adapt quickly to save energy to what you do. This is why you do not just pick one exercise programme and follow it forever as your body will adapt and progress will grind to a halt (assuming you haven't died of boredom yet)
After the post workout protein shake (choc mint Maximuscle Promax of course) and shower, Gym Ninja headed to the supermarket to stock up on cottage cheese, organic veg and eggs. Obviously other things too but thanks to forgetting the day before (which resulted in a tin of tuna as GN's evening meal) veggies were needed!!!!!!!!
As Gym Ninja shopped she again saw lots of people slumped over their supermarket trolleys. You know the way-whereby they rest their chest and arms all over the handles and then almost body surf through the store? Needless to say their trolleys are usually full of processed nonsense and carb-heavy (which would explain their listlessness). As Gym Ninja was packing and paying for her shopping, a really REALLY large man in yellow stood behind her in the queue said,
"Come on Skinny! You're giving me a complex here! I'm nursing a beer blister!"
At this, the Yellow man smiled and patted his incredibly large belly.
Yeh, like you needed to point that out.
"It's OK, I'm a Personal Trainer. Hire me!" Retorted Gym Ninja, seeing the panic in the Yellow Man's eyes as he suddenly thought he may be press-ganged into a workout!!!!!!
OMG, Gym Ninja must end this blog post now. Tiredness has just made her accidentally hit the delete button and it's taken GN ages to figure out how to get all this typing back!!!!!! NO WAY would there have been another attempt at a post!
Toodle pip
Gym Ninja x
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Hydro Ninja strikes again
Yep.
Gym Ninja made it to the Hydropool again! Well, after the first attempt whereby half of the time spent in there was with water like glass due to Gym Ninja's lack of nerve pressing the mystery red buttons (the ones that power up the bubbles and jets), she thought it was about time she took her newly acquired knowledge and returned to the pool of many germs and put it into action (so to speak).
It was Sunday when Gym Ninja returned to the Hydropool. She'd replaced her usual Saturday Slaughter Session with a Sunday Slaughter Session, as a work meeting to discuss the freelance PT took over Saturday. So Sunday saw a 1 hour Extreme Hill Climb Spin Session and Gym Ninja was raring to go!
Bloody hot day though! Plus, the Spin Studio had obviously not had any aircon on overnight which meant that the air that was now blowing into the room was 'creepy relative' temperature (you know the temperature of the breath of the weird relative you hate who talks really close to your face and breathes into it?). Gym Ninja walked over to her usual bike, and went to climb on and....oh! Great! The resistance knob was broken! WHO HAD GYM NINJA's BIKE yesterday??????? Bungling fools broke it! So now Gym Ninja had to get on the bike to the left of her usual one, which was not directly in line with the creepy relative aircon vent. FFS! No show for Dangly today. Where WAS he? Maybe it was too hot for normal people to spend an hour in a darkened room sweating most of their water reserves onto the floor? There were hardly any of the usual crowd...uh oh. Gym Ninja could be in trouble here!!
But there was no time for quitting as the lights went down, the music blared out and off they went!!!!!!!
O.M.G.
Sweat was just pouring out of Gym Ninja. Who knew there was that much water inside oneself? Yet Gym Ninja's body needed to work hard. It had missed it's usual Saturday session so had a score to settle. Damn you conscience! You get in the way ALL the time!!!!! By the end of the hour it was as if Gym Ninja had already been in the Hydropool she was that drenched. Gotta love the old 'hair like a sealion' look as evidence you worked hard!!!!!!
Trickling out of the spin studio, Gym Ninja dried off and worked on her upper body, trying to ignore the sudden influx of girls all doing the same workout. If ever there is evidence of who reads faffy womens fitness magazines (you know the ones, that show a weedy girl doing biceps curls with water bottles!) it is this! The same identikit workout, never quite performed correctly! Taking regular peeks down through the window to the Hydropool below, Gym Ninja coincided her cool down stretches to an empty pool moment. Fantastic! A quiet Hydropool!
Changing into her bikini, Gym Ninja strode towards the magical door that lead to the poolside.
Walking through the door and toward the Hydropool and.........oh.
There were actually people IN IT!
That oughtn't be allowed!
Fair enough, Gym Ninja could hardly turn back now, so she tentatively edged down the steps of the pool and clawed her way around the edge to find a vacant spot.
Great. The pool appeared to be full of men. Now Gym Ninja was the only girl in there and seriously regretting her choice of bright turquoise blue bikini. WHY didn't she choose black?
Over to the far left of the pool were two young lads, maybe late teens? They were glancing over nervously. Fear not young boys! Gym Ninja is not about to rush over and display her girly bits at you! You are safe! Gym Ninja cannot go anywhere that is not the edge of the pool due to her water phobia!
To Gym Ninja's right were two older men, bubbling away like chicken in a stock pot. Bleurr!
Then there were the two guys reclining on the bubbly seats designed to reduce cellulite!!!!
After about 10 minutes Gym Ninja was ready to leave...and yet she couldn't, as unbeknown to her a guy had slipped into the pool and was now pinned to the edge of it, blocking her exit route. FFS!!!!!
SPLASH!
In jumped a gorilla! A proper hairy creature..thick black tufts sprouting from his shoulders (!) back, chest, all down his torso.......none on his head though. Odd. Almost like he was wearing a gorilla suit yet had decided at the last minute to leave the head off? So where did Gorilla Man stand? Well, in the Hydropool is a large oven extractor hood type thing. Press the button, stand under it and it hammers the person with a hard jet of water.
yep!
RIGHT under that, with his back to it, which meant that all Gym Ninja could see was the hair on his gorilla suit part like the Red Sea!!!!! On and on and on went the jet of water, the hair splatting to his back all long and black. Gym Ninja tried not to think about the hairs that couldn't cope with the water pressure and snapped off....please do not let one splat against any of Gym Ninja's exposed flesh please.....
Then, as the two chicken stock men left the pool, they were replaced by a man and a woman. the man was big and round and devoid of visible body or head hair. Once in the Hydropool he looked like a hard boiled egg. The woman was a buxom girl....possibly eating from the same dietary plan as Egg Man? They stood to the left of Gym Ninja...facing opposite each other. Rather too close actually. Maybe Buxom Girl will move?
Okaaaaaaay. Maybe not!
Egg Man and Buxom Girl were virtually fused at the chest! Buxom Girl must think she is on her holidays and doing that 'thing' couples do when in the sea...you know, when you go all still and hug each other and everyone knows that you're not paddling? So when you do it in the Hydropool? EEEEEEEK!!!!! STOP IT! Gym Ninja does not want to be in the same water as a couple dry humping! What with Gorilla Man's stray body hairs and The Egg Mans possible seepage if Buxom Girl carried on any longer, Gym Ninja seriously needed to quit this pool like NOW!
Eventually the human barricade man left which meant Gym Ninja could make a run (or slow wade) for it, up the stairs, past the two terrified teenage boys and out to the safety of the magic door that led back to the changing rooms............quite HOW the Hydropool is marketed as a relaxing experience is beyond Gym Ninja......
Gym Ninja
x
Gym Ninja made it to the Hydropool again! Well, after the first attempt whereby half of the time spent in there was with water like glass due to Gym Ninja's lack of nerve pressing the mystery red buttons (the ones that power up the bubbles and jets), she thought it was about time she took her newly acquired knowledge and returned to the pool of many germs and put it into action (so to speak).
It was Sunday when Gym Ninja returned to the Hydropool. She'd replaced her usual Saturday Slaughter Session with a Sunday Slaughter Session, as a work meeting to discuss the freelance PT took over Saturday. So Sunday saw a 1 hour Extreme Hill Climb Spin Session and Gym Ninja was raring to go!
Bloody hot day though! Plus, the Spin Studio had obviously not had any aircon on overnight which meant that the air that was now blowing into the room was 'creepy relative' temperature (you know the temperature of the breath of the weird relative you hate who talks really close to your face and breathes into it?). Gym Ninja walked over to her usual bike, and went to climb on and....oh! Great! The resistance knob was broken! WHO HAD GYM NINJA's BIKE yesterday??????? Bungling fools broke it! So now Gym Ninja had to get on the bike to the left of her usual one, which was not directly in line with the creepy relative aircon vent. FFS! No show for Dangly today. Where WAS he? Maybe it was too hot for normal people to spend an hour in a darkened room sweating most of their water reserves onto the floor? There were hardly any of the usual crowd...uh oh. Gym Ninja could be in trouble here!!
But there was no time for quitting as the lights went down, the music blared out and off they went!!!!!!!
O.M.G.
Sweat was just pouring out of Gym Ninja. Who knew there was that much water inside oneself? Yet Gym Ninja's body needed to work hard. It had missed it's usual Saturday session so had a score to settle. Damn you conscience! You get in the way ALL the time!!!!! By the end of the hour it was as if Gym Ninja had already been in the Hydropool she was that drenched. Gotta love the old 'hair like a sealion' look as evidence you worked hard!!!!!!
Trickling out of the spin studio, Gym Ninja dried off and worked on her upper body, trying to ignore the sudden influx of girls all doing the same workout. If ever there is evidence of who reads faffy womens fitness magazines (you know the ones, that show a weedy girl doing biceps curls with water bottles!) it is this! The same identikit workout, never quite performed correctly! Taking regular peeks down through the window to the Hydropool below, Gym Ninja coincided her cool down stretches to an empty pool moment. Fantastic! A quiet Hydropool!
Changing into her bikini, Gym Ninja strode towards the magical door that lead to the poolside.
Walking through the door and toward the Hydropool and.........oh.
There were actually people IN IT!
That oughtn't be allowed!
Fair enough, Gym Ninja could hardly turn back now, so she tentatively edged down the steps of the pool and clawed her way around the edge to find a vacant spot.
Great. The pool appeared to be full of men. Now Gym Ninja was the only girl in there and seriously regretting her choice of bright turquoise blue bikini. WHY didn't she choose black?
Over to the far left of the pool were two young lads, maybe late teens? They were glancing over nervously. Fear not young boys! Gym Ninja is not about to rush over and display her girly bits at you! You are safe! Gym Ninja cannot go anywhere that is not the edge of the pool due to her water phobia!
To Gym Ninja's right were two older men, bubbling away like chicken in a stock pot. Bleurr!
Then there were the two guys reclining on the bubbly seats designed to reduce cellulite!!!!
After about 10 minutes Gym Ninja was ready to leave...and yet she couldn't, as unbeknown to her a guy had slipped into the pool and was now pinned to the edge of it, blocking her exit route. FFS!!!!!
SPLASH!
In jumped a gorilla! A proper hairy creature..thick black tufts sprouting from his shoulders (!) back, chest, all down his torso.......none on his head though. Odd. Almost like he was wearing a gorilla suit yet had decided at the last minute to leave the head off? So where did Gorilla Man stand? Well, in the Hydropool is a large oven extractor hood type thing. Press the button, stand under it and it hammers the person with a hard jet of water.
yep!
RIGHT under that, with his back to it, which meant that all Gym Ninja could see was the hair on his gorilla suit part like the Red Sea!!!!! On and on and on went the jet of water, the hair splatting to his back all long and black. Gym Ninja tried not to think about the hairs that couldn't cope with the water pressure and snapped off....please do not let one splat against any of Gym Ninja's exposed flesh please.....
Then, as the two chicken stock men left the pool, they were replaced by a man and a woman. the man was big and round and devoid of visible body or head hair. Once in the Hydropool he looked like a hard boiled egg. The woman was a buxom girl....possibly eating from the same dietary plan as Egg Man? They stood to the left of Gym Ninja...facing opposite each other. Rather too close actually. Maybe Buxom Girl will move?
Okaaaaaaay. Maybe not!
Egg Man and Buxom Girl were virtually fused at the chest! Buxom Girl must think she is on her holidays and doing that 'thing' couples do when in the sea...you know, when you go all still and hug each other and everyone knows that you're not paddling? So when you do it in the Hydropool? EEEEEEEK!!!!! STOP IT! Gym Ninja does not want to be in the same water as a couple dry humping! What with Gorilla Man's stray body hairs and The Egg Mans possible seepage if Buxom Girl carried on any longer, Gym Ninja seriously needed to quit this pool like NOW!
Eventually the human barricade man left which meant Gym Ninja could make a run (or slow wade) for it, up the stairs, past the two terrified teenage boys and out to the safety of the magic door that led back to the changing rooms............quite HOW the Hydropool is marketed as a relaxing experience is beyond Gym Ninja......
Gym Ninja
x
Saturday, 19 June 2010
Saturday Slaughter...what else?
Ahh Gym Ninja is feeling good after a Saturday Slaughter Session.
To be fair, this was surprising, as having spent the evening out then having suffered the weird yet very real 'Over Tired' syndrome (whereby you are aching to sleep and yet cannot) which resulted in about 5 hours of sleep maximum. Of course, this in turn meant Panda Ninja was back again!
Gym Ninja feels the way she managed to survive the session was simply by replacing her blood with caffeine. Job done!
Spin was as tough as ever, and yet the time just flew. That's what caffeine for blood does you see. Not even Fidget, the woman on the bike in front of Gym Ninja who constantly dismounted every track to get her water could distract GN from her mission of burning as many calories as humanly possible (for a Panda anyhow).
Boinging out of the Spin Studio, still wired on caffeine, Gym Ninja then headed down to the changing rooms to grab her weight training gloves. Just by her locker was an old lady carefully packing her gym bag in a slow, methodical manner. Wired Ninja unlocked hers, opened the door and.....
*crash*
Shampoo, Conditioner and Shower Gel bottles burst out of the locker and bounced off the old lady's head.
Ooops.
Well, fancy leaving her head there.....?
Boiging back up to the free weights area, Gym Ninja began her wired Upper Body Session. All was going well until Gym Ninja's eyes started to sting......
Nooooooo!
It was Garlic Girl!
Now Garlic Girl is a new person that Gym Ninja recalls from last week in the changing rooms. Blatantly fearful of Vampire attack which surely must account for the amount of garlic she must ingest for it to radiate so strongly through her pores? Now, typically, Garlic Girl felt an irresistible draw to the floor space next to Gym Ninja.
Great.
Garlic Girl then also felt the need to do wing-like movements (supposedly side lateral raises?) in order to spread the garlic scent deeper into Gym Ninja's lungs...wow, even better! That may even distract Gym Ninja from the girl to her right who was doing what can only be described as Dumbbell Flops....
In beween switching dumbbells, Gym Ninja peered out through the glass and down over the Hydropool...now to those unaware, the Hydropool is a giant jacuzzi type area that can hold a whole busload of people. It has bubbly jets and strange hoses and all manner of things that massage and froth and beat the dead skin cells of people. Yet today? Today the Hydropool was empty and looked clear.
Was Gym Ninja actually finding herself considering a dip in the Hydropool tomorrow perhaps?
Hmm, maybe tune in and see?
After the workout was done, Gym Ninja headed back to the changing rooms for a shower. Once in one of the icky cubicles, Gym Ninja found herself bleeding from the ears as a high pitched scream echoed around the shower cubicles....
"Heeeeeeeeeellllllllllllp meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Screamed a child.
"AHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRR HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She screamed, even louder than ever.
Er...what?
"Oh don't be silly. It's just a bit of water" Scolded a cross sounding parent from the cubicle next door to Gym Ninja.
" I Can't bear it!" Squealed the child, her voice escalating almost to the level of only being audible to dogs.
"HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
And so this continued for the entire duration of the shower, until the mother opened the cubicle door and the Drama Child trotted out, happy as larry.
It's fair to say it wasn't the most restful of shower days today......
So, a brief and pretty uneventful gym session to regale you all with, but hey, this shows that the true reality gets reported back here in this ever-so-serious 'Report-style' blog. Tune in tomorrow to find out whether Gym Ninja decided that tomorrow is the day that she attempts to brave the murkiness of the Hydropool....
Gym Ninja x
To be fair, this was surprising, as having spent the evening out then having suffered the weird yet very real 'Over Tired' syndrome (whereby you are aching to sleep and yet cannot) which resulted in about 5 hours of sleep maximum. Of course, this in turn meant Panda Ninja was back again!
Gym Ninja feels the way she managed to survive the session was simply by replacing her blood with caffeine. Job done!
Spin was as tough as ever, and yet the time just flew. That's what caffeine for blood does you see. Not even Fidget, the woman on the bike in front of Gym Ninja who constantly dismounted every track to get her water could distract GN from her mission of burning as many calories as humanly possible (for a Panda anyhow).
Boinging out of the Spin Studio, still wired on caffeine, Gym Ninja then headed down to the changing rooms to grab her weight training gloves. Just by her locker was an old lady carefully packing her gym bag in a slow, methodical manner. Wired Ninja unlocked hers, opened the door and.....
*crash*
Shampoo, Conditioner and Shower Gel bottles burst out of the locker and bounced off the old lady's head.
Ooops.
Well, fancy leaving her head there.....?
Boiging back up to the free weights area, Gym Ninja began her wired Upper Body Session. All was going well until Gym Ninja's eyes started to sting......
Nooooooo!
It was Garlic Girl!
Now Garlic Girl is a new person that Gym Ninja recalls from last week in the changing rooms. Blatantly fearful of Vampire attack which surely must account for the amount of garlic she must ingest for it to radiate so strongly through her pores? Now, typically, Garlic Girl felt an irresistible draw to the floor space next to Gym Ninja.
Great.
Garlic Girl then also felt the need to do wing-like movements (supposedly side lateral raises?) in order to spread the garlic scent deeper into Gym Ninja's lungs...wow, even better! That may even distract Gym Ninja from the girl to her right who was doing what can only be described as Dumbbell Flops....
In beween switching dumbbells, Gym Ninja peered out through the glass and down over the Hydropool...now to those unaware, the Hydropool is a giant jacuzzi type area that can hold a whole busload of people. It has bubbly jets and strange hoses and all manner of things that massage and froth and beat the dead skin cells of people. Yet today? Today the Hydropool was empty and looked clear.
Was Gym Ninja actually finding herself considering a dip in the Hydropool tomorrow perhaps?
Hmm, maybe tune in and see?
After the workout was done, Gym Ninja headed back to the changing rooms for a shower. Once in one of the icky cubicles, Gym Ninja found herself bleeding from the ears as a high pitched scream echoed around the shower cubicles....
"Heeeeeeeeeellllllllllllp meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Screamed a child.
"AHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRR HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She screamed, even louder than ever.
Er...what?
"Oh don't be silly. It's just a bit of water" Scolded a cross sounding parent from the cubicle next door to Gym Ninja.
" I Can't bear it!" Squealed the child, her voice escalating almost to the level of only being audible to dogs.
"HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
And so this continued for the entire duration of the shower, until the mother opened the cubicle door and the Drama Child trotted out, happy as larry.
It's fair to say it wasn't the most restful of shower days today......
So, a brief and pretty uneventful gym session to regale you all with, but hey, this shows that the true reality gets reported back here in this ever-so-serious 'Report-style' blog. Tune in tomorrow to find out whether Gym Ninja decided that tomorrow is the day that she attempts to brave the murkiness of the Hydropool....
Gym Ninja x
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Lego Ninja
Gym Ninja is blogging today with slightly darker hair.
Can you tell?
You see, Saturday night ended up to be something of a boring affair, so Gym Ninja, fed up with the slices of red and blonde through the mid layers of her hair (remember Parrot Hair from a few months back?), decided to whack on a temporary colour (28 washes-how terribly precise of them). The temporary colour was 'Medium Brown'. Gym Ninja's actual hair colour is dark brown, so the medium brown should allow darkness but with shades of lightness where the streaks had been. On went the colour, and 20 minutes later Gym Ninja rinsed it off. After rinsing, she also noticed that she had a fetching streak of brown across her shoulders and also her abs...seriously, her abs? How did Gym Ninja manage to drip dye on her torso????? Never mind, time to dry her hair before bed....
Did you all know, that the Hair Dye Industry class 'Medium Brown' as 'pretty goddam close to black with a matt finish'?
No?
Neither did Gym Ninja.
Seriously, since when did 'Medium Brown' come out THAT dark? Looking back at Gym Ninja in the mirror was something akin to a Lego character.
Nooooooooo!
LEGO NINJA!
Crap. Maybe it'll look better in daylight? It usually does?
Anyway, after the almighty workout that was the 'Saturday Slaughter Session', Gym Ninja returned to the gym Sunday morning for another round of 'sweat until you die'. Luckily Gym Ninja has never won this game, hence the continuation of the blogs...
Incidentally, no, the Lego Hair did NOT look better in natural daylight. Maybe it'd look better after the first proper wash eh? You know, to soap out the remnants of the last dregs of dye?
Where were we? Ah yes, Lego Ninja was back at the gym. However, there was one problem. Glycogen depletion on a big scale. That'd be the energy stored in Gym Ninja's liver & muscles to fuel the next workout and it was running somewhat low. Uh oh! Maybe Gym Ninja should have refuelled with a few more carbs than usual? Maybe Gym Ninja should have planned a more low intensity workout? Or maybe Gym Ninja should have gotten herself to bed a lot earlier instead of faffing until 1.30am the night before, dying her hair an unflattering shade of boot polish black (oh pardon me, 'Medium Brown') ????
Either way, it was all Gym Ninja could do to drag herself to the gym. Once in the changing rooms, Gym Ninja found a locker, stuffed her bag in, forgot to take out of her bag the gel seat cover for the spin bike (for all the good it does!), dragged the bag back out of the locker, spilled the contents of the bag onto the floor, stuffed the contents back into the bag, retrieved the gel seat cover, returned the bag back into the locker, realised the padlock was still in the bag, dragged it back out of the locker for the second time to retrieve it, before finally closing it.
As Gym Ninja stood at the aptly named Vanity Area, fiddling with the knot of wire that was supposedly her headphones, she felt something.....something like an intense feeling of being watched. Snapping her eyes upwards to the mirror, Gym Ninja saw a woman stood behind her, staring at Gym Ninja via the reflection of the mirror. Now that Gym Ninja had noticed, she waited for the woman to look away.
The woman did NOT look away.
The woman continued to stare.
Hmm.
Does the woman think she is a Vampire and that she cannot be seen in the mirror?
Is the woman just hard faced?
Or is there a huge streak of hair dye down the neck and over the ears of Gym Ninja?
Gym Ninja decided that out of the three, quite possibly option 1 (vampire) was most likely, closely followed by brown ears like a teddy.
PAH!
Gym Ninja aka Lego Ninja aka Teddy Eared Ninja headed to the Spin Studio. Would the regulars notice that GN had been replaced by a plastic Lego Character?
if they did, they were too polite to mention it. In fact the lego hair appeared to draw people to Gym Ninja.
"Got yourself a job yet?' Barked Dangly.
Gym Ninja stared back at him with her best 'it is 24 hours since I last saw you and also the weekend so don't even ASK me that and not expect to get a rude answer' face.
Then, a guy who Gym Ninja now recalls as the same guy who approached her months ago to try and 'recruit' her for Yoga began to talk to her. Let us name him 'Cult Man'.
"They are starting up Kangoo again today you know. Have you ever tried it?" Asked Cult Man.
Gym Ninja shook her Lego head in response.
"Ahh, well you really should you know. All you need it a big thick pair of socks, and you reserve the Kangoo boots at reception. It's really low impact. Reduces impact by up to 80%. Remarkable!"
At this, Cult Man rolled his eyes knowingly.
See, now here's the thing. The LAST exercise craze Gym Ninja is likely to partake in is Kangoo. Are you all aware of it? Think bouncing around, Benny Hill style, on roller blades without the blades (and in their place bit springs). Here is a link... www.kangoojumps.ch
Once you have stopped laughing, click on Kangoo Jumps Uses and enjoy the comedy value of the video..
Gym Ninja's favourite parts of the video are the humiliation on the face of the guy in black as he boings up and down inbetween the two girls in the sun, the fact they are trying to tell people that ARMY boot camp people use Kangoo boots (yeh right) and the ABSOLUTE BEST bit that you will unfortunately have to watch the video until the end to see, is what they call 'Kangoo Power'. Seriously, HOW mental does that guy look?????
So...no. No, Gym Ninja will never ever try Kangoo. Never! Gym Ninja does not 'boing in a comedy fashion'....
Spin was typically torturous. Luckily the Instructor decided that it would be Spin Climb which allowed for more standing hills, which did help reduce the 'Spin Saddle injury' Gym Ninja had done to herself the day before. However it was tough. NOOOOOOOO glycogen to fall back on, and only the scent of sweaty, newly dyed hair to spur her on alongside the view of a chubby man's bottom wiggling in front of her. Yuk!
Once the class finished an hour later, Gym Ninja dried off in the changing rooms, popped some BCAAs and continued with her upper body session. Taking up a seat on the cable row, Gym Ninja selected her weight and then...
*boing boing boing boing boing boing boing*
Circling the weights area on the top floor of the gym (it is spread over two floors) is an indoor running track. Now running along the track were the participants of the Kangoo Class....
OMG.
No.
Get AWAY with the freaky boinging. Make it GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gym Ninja had to put up with at least 3 laps of boinging as she worked her back. Bloody infuriating it was, especially as there were at least 3 girls (and 2 men) who should have worn a sports bra before 'boinging' like that! Time to get focussed and work that upper body hard. That way, no amount of boinging would distract Gym Ninja.
True to her word, Gym Ninja slaughtered her upper body. Upping the volume by throwing in an additional exercise for each muscle group worked to surprise the body and encourage growth. By the end of the workout, Gym Ninja had completely blasted any strength and co-ordination remaining which resulted in an infuriating case of 'Drop the Sweat Towel'. It goes a little something like this...
Finish final set of Skull Crushers.
Sit up, then reach for the Sweat Towel on the floor to wipe onself down.
Hold the Sweat Towel for all of 2 seconds before dropping it.
Grasp Sweat Towel again.
Get Sweat Towel a little closer to face before dropping it back on the floor.
Look around to check if anyone nearby is sniggering at Gym Ninja?
Attempt a third grasp of the Sweat Towel, wipe away sweat, begin to stand up and...drop Sweat Towel.
AHHR!
It was like a game of Grabber; the game whereby you use a joystick to try and steer a giant claw into picking up the empty iPod box nestled amongst a selection of acid green and yellow cuddly toys, having paid £2 for the privilege.
Stretching out of the muscles ensued, before Gym Ninja headed back to the changing rooms for her post workout Maximuscle shake and a nice hot shower...let us all hope that Drop The Sweat Towel does not manifest into a more advanced adult game of Drop The Bath Towel or it'll be yet another case of .Naked Ninja blinds the 5000...........'
Right!
Enough already. You should all be doing something else instead of reading this blog as well you know. See you back in the gym.....
Gym Ninja xx
Can you tell?
You see, Saturday night ended up to be something of a boring affair, so Gym Ninja, fed up with the slices of red and blonde through the mid layers of her hair (remember Parrot Hair from a few months back?), decided to whack on a temporary colour (28 washes-how terribly precise of them). The temporary colour was 'Medium Brown'. Gym Ninja's actual hair colour is dark brown, so the medium brown should allow darkness but with shades of lightness where the streaks had been. On went the colour, and 20 minutes later Gym Ninja rinsed it off. After rinsing, she also noticed that she had a fetching streak of brown across her shoulders and also her abs...seriously, her abs? How did Gym Ninja manage to drip dye on her torso????? Never mind, time to dry her hair before bed....
Did you all know, that the Hair Dye Industry class 'Medium Brown' as 'pretty goddam close to black with a matt finish'?
No?
Neither did Gym Ninja.
Seriously, since when did 'Medium Brown' come out THAT dark? Looking back at Gym Ninja in the mirror was something akin to a Lego character.
Nooooooooo!
LEGO NINJA!
Crap. Maybe it'll look better in daylight? It usually does?
Anyway, after the almighty workout that was the 'Saturday Slaughter Session', Gym Ninja returned to the gym Sunday morning for another round of 'sweat until you die'. Luckily Gym Ninja has never won this game, hence the continuation of the blogs...
Incidentally, no, the Lego Hair did NOT look better in natural daylight. Maybe it'd look better after the first proper wash eh? You know, to soap out the remnants of the last dregs of dye?
Where were we? Ah yes, Lego Ninja was back at the gym. However, there was one problem. Glycogen depletion on a big scale. That'd be the energy stored in Gym Ninja's liver & muscles to fuel the next workout and it was running somewhat low. Uh oh! Maybe Gym Ninja should have refuelled with a few more carbs than usual? Maybe Gym Ninja should have planned a more low intensity workout? Or maybe Gym Ninja should have gotten herself to bed a lot earlier instead of faffing until 1.30am the night before, dying her hair an unflattering shade of boot polish black (oh pardon me, 'Medium Brown') ????
Either way, it was all Gym Ninja could do to drag herself to the gym. Once in the changing rooms, Gym Ninja found a locker, stuffed her bag in, forgot to take out of her bag the gel seat cover for the spin bike (for all the good it does!), dragged the bag back out of the locker, spilled the contents of the bag onto the floor, stuffed the contents back into the bag, retrieved the gel seat cover, returned the bag back into the locker, realised the padlock was still in the bag, dragged it back out of the locker for the second time to retrieve it, before finally closing it.
As Gym Ninja stood at the aptly named Vanity Area, fiddling with the knot of wire that was supposedly her headphones, she felt something.....something like an intense feeling of being watched. Snapping her eyes upwards to the mirror, Gym Ninja saw a woman stood behind her, staring at Gym Ninja via the reflection of the mirror. Now that Gym Ninja had noticed, she waited for the woman to look away.
The woman did NOT look away.
The woman continued to stare.
Hmm.
Does the woman think she is a Vampire and that she cannot be seen in the mirror?
Is the woman just hard faced?
Or is there a huge streak of hair dye down the neck and over the ears of Gym Ninja?
Gym Ninja decided that out of the three, quite possibly option 1 (vampire) was most likely, closely followed by brown ears like a teddy.
PAH!
Gym Ninja aka Lego Ninja aka Teddy Eared Ninja headed to the Spin Studio. Would the regulars notice that GN had been replaced by a plastic Lego Character?
if they did, they were too polite to mention it. In fact the lego hair appeared to draw people to Gym Ninja.
"Got yourself a job yet?' Barked Dangly.
Gym Ninja stared back at him with her best 'it is 24 hours since I last saw you and also the weekend so don't even ASK me that and not expect to get a rude answer' face.
Then, a guy who Gym Ninja now recalls as the same guy who approached her months ago to try and 'recruit' her for Yoga began to talk to her. Let us name him 'Cult Man'.
"They are starting up Kangoo again today you know. Have you ever tried it?" Asked Cult Man.
Gym Ninja shook her Lego head in response.
"Ahh, well you really should you know. All you need it a big thick pair of socks, and you reserve the Kangoo boots at reception. It's really low impact. Reduces impact by up to 80%. Remarkable!"
At this, Cult Man rolled his eyes knowingly.
See, now here's the thing. The LAST exercise craze Gym Ninja is likely to partake in is Kangoo. Are you all aware of it? Think bouncing around, Benny Hill style, on roller blades without the blades (and in their place bit springs). Here is a link... www.kangoojumps.ch
Once you have stopped laughing, click on Kangoo Jumps Uses and enjoy the comedy value of the video..
Gym Ninja's favourite parts of the video are the humiliation on the face of the guy in black as he boings up and down inbetween the two girls in the sun, the fact they are trying to tell people that ARMY boot camp people use Kangoo boots (yeh right) and the ABSOLUTE BEST bit that you will unfortunately have to watch the video until the end to see, is what they call 'Kangoo Power'. Seriously, HOW mental does that guy look?????
So...no. No, Gym Ninja will never ever try Kangoo. Never! Gym Ninja does not 'boing in a comedy fashion'....
Spin was typically torturous. Luckily the Instructor decided that it would be Spin Climb which allowed for more standing hills, which did help reduce the 'Spin Saddle injury' Gym Ninja had done to herself the day before. However it was tough. NOOOOOOOO glycogen to fall back on, and only the scent of sweaty, newly dyed hair to spur her on alongside the view of a chubby man's bottom wiggling in front of her. Yuk!
Once the class finished an hour later, Gym Ninja dried off in the changing rooms, popped some BCAAs and continued with her upper body session. Taking up a seat on the cable row, Gym Ninja selected her weight and then...
*boing boing boing boing boing boing boing*
Circling the weights area on the top floor of the gym (it is spread over two floors) is an indoor running track. Now running along the track were the participants of the Kangoo Class....
OMG.
No.
Get AWAY with the freaky boinging. Make it GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gym Ninja had to put up with at least 3 laps of boinging as she worked her back. Bloody infuriating it was, especially as there were at least 3 girls (and 2 men) who should have worn a sports bra before 'boinging' like that! Time to get focussed and work that upper body hard. That way, no amount of boinging would distract Gym Ninja.
True to her word, Gym Ninja slaughtered her upper body. Upping the volume by throwing in an additional exercise for each muscle group worked to surprise the body and encourage growth. By the end of the workout, Gym Ninja had completely blasted any strength and co-ordination remaining which resulted in an infuriating case of 'Drop the Sweat Towel'. It goes a little something like this...
Finish final set of Skull Crushers.
Sit up, then reach for the Sweat Towel on the floor to wipe onself down.
Hold the Sweat Towel for all of 2 seconds before dropping it.
Grasp Sweat Towel again.
Get Sweat Towel a little closer to face before dropping it back on the floor.
Look around to check if anyone nearby is sniggering at Gym Ninja?
Attempt a third grasp of the Sweat Towel, wipe away sweat, begin to stand up and...drop Sweat Towel.
AHHR!
It was like a game of Grabber; the game whereby you use a joystick to try and steer a giant claw into picking up the empty iPod box nestled amongst a selection of acid green and yellow cuddly toys, having paid £2 for the privilege.
Stretching out of the muscles ensued, before Gym Ninja headed back to the changing rooms for her post workout Maximuscle shake and a nice hot shower...let us all hope that Drop The Sweat Towel does not manifest into a more advanced adult game of Drop The Bath Towel or it'll be yet another case of .Naked Ninja blinds the 5000...........'
Right!
Enough already. You should all be doing something else instead of reading this blog as well you know. See you back in the gym.....
Gym Ninja xx
Sunday, 9 May 2010
Sunday Snooze day
OK Ok, so Gym Ninja obviously has a problem getting up on time at weekends lately, as yet again she found herself running late for the planned Gym Session. Of course, having a sudden urge to exfoliate using 'Hot Butter Fudge' scented exfoliation scrub in the shower may have slowed her down somewhat...but what are you supposed to do if you suddenly feel 'rough'?
Galloping yet again to the gym, half asleep and with no energy shot drink to quaff, meant GN wasn't looking forward to an hour of Extreme Spin Climb. The day after Leg Training too....badly planned.
Once in the Spin Studio, Gym Ninja found herself wit verbal procrastination disease..helpfully pointed out to her by Dangly Cross Man who mentioned how much GN was making excises and moaning before the class had even started. Yup! Too right!
Tiredness + Knackered legs = Moany Ninja.
And thus followed an hour that saw Gym Ninja with legs on a 'go-slow'.
MOVE faster legs!
"Shan't" They said, on their Go-Slow protest.
It's times like this that GN wishes they made Tandem Spin Bikes, so she could hop onto the back of someone elses.....
Staggering out of the hour class, Gym Ninja discovered she'd missed a call from Tara. That was a nice surprise. Tara & Gym Ninja had discovered each other when entering the Maximuscle Body of 2009 competition & stayed in touch. In regular email contact yet never actually spoken.until today. Tara had gone on a food-run for her family & wasn't about to scoff a 'definitely no not hers, really honestly not hers it is someone elses no I swear its not mine I have something else to eat and mmm'.. Panini (haha Tara you SO knew I'd wind you up about that!) So Gym Ninja chatted to Tara whilst refuelling after the tough Spin Session and before starting the upper body weights session.
By now GN needed to rattle through her weights due to time constraints, & was only distracted twice...once by a girl on the seated row machine who dragged the handles back with all her might...and then found herself almost parallel to the floor she'd moved away from the pad and was leaning back so far. Hmm, that's NOT working your back muscles lady! The second distraction was a girl who was doing all manner of old-school style ab work whilst wearing dark denim mid-thigh length shorts. The type you'd wear outside of a gym. How odd!
As Gym Ninja replaced a set of dumbbells between exercises, she happened to peer out of the window that overlooked the pool. In the Hydro Pool (aka giant jacuzzi) was a guy with his back to the large water jet. That'd be a HAIRY back. Yes, SO hairy that GN could see it all in great detail despite being a level up and far away......eww. Just when Gym Ninja was thinking how horrid a back full of thick black hair looked, something horrid happened.........the huge fan of water switched on (hence why the guy was below it waiting) and the jet of water parted the hair on his back like a hairy old parting of the Red Sea.
Bleaurrrh!
After the gym, the next stop was to good old Sports Direct to pick up some last minute 'accessories' for the photoshoot next week.
Galloping yet again to the gym, half asleep and with no energy shot drink to quaff, meant GN wasn't looking forward to an hour of Extreme Spin Climb. The day after Leg Training too....badly planned.
Once in the Spin Studio, Gym Ninja found herself wit verbal procrastination disease..helpfully pointed out to her by Dangly Cross Man who mentioned how much GN was making excises and moaning before the class had even started. Yup! Too right!
Tiredness + Knackered legs = Moany Ninja.
And thus followed an hour that saw Gym Ninja with legs on a 'go-slow'.
MOVE faster legs!
"Shan't" They said, on their Go-Slow protest.
It's times like this that GN wishes they made Tandem Spin Bikes, so she could hop onto the back of someone elses.....
Staggering out of the hour class, Gym Ninja discovered she'd missed a call from Tara. That was a nice surprise. Tara & Gym Ninja had discovered each other when entering the Maximuscle Body of 2009 competition & stayed in touch. In regular email contact yet never actually spoken.until today. Tara had gone on a food-run for her family & wasn't about to scoff a 'definitely no not hers, really honestly not hers it is someone elses no I swear its not mine I have something else to eat and mmm'.. Panini (haha Tara you SO knew I'd wind you up about that!) So Gym Ninja chatted to Tara whilst refuelling after the tough Spin Session and before starting the upper body weights session.
By now GN needed to rattle through her weights due to time constraints, & was only distracted twice...once by a girl on the seated row machine who dragged the handles back with all her might...and then found herself almost parallel to the floor she'd moved away from the pad and was leaning back so far. Hmm, that's NOT working your back muscles lady! The second distraction was a girl who was doing all manner of old-school style ab work whilst wearing dark denim mid-thigh length shorts. The type you'd wear outside of a gym. How odd!
As Gym Ninja replaced a set of dumbbells between exercises, she happened to peer out of the window that overlooked the pool. In the Hydro Pool (aka giant jacuzzi) was a guy with his back to the large water jet. That'd be a HAIRY back. Yes, SO hairy that GN could see it all in great detail despite being a level up and far away......eww. Just when Gym Ninja was thinking how horrid a back full of thick black hair looked, something horrid happened.........the huge fan of water switched on (hence why the guy was below it waiting) and the jet of water parted the hair on his back like a hairy old parting of the Red Sea.
Bleaurrrh!
After the gym, the next stop was to good old Sports Direct to pick up some last minute 'accessories' for the photoshoot next week.
- Lime Green legwarmers: Check!
- Red Boxing Gloves: Check!
- Backless (!) weights gloves: Check!
- Day Glo 80's style wrist sweat bands: Check!
Well, Gym Ninja isn't really sure what her look will be in some of the photos so may as well blow all of £17 on a mad assortment eh?(yep she got a whole bag of stuff, including the boxing gloves, for that!).
So now Gym Ninja is sat down wondering what to cook up for dinner? Maybe some more turkey stir fry? Her latest craze? Or something easy and quick like steamed veg and cottage cheese? Hmm, in retrospect stir fry is kind of easy and quick too.......decisions decisions decisions.......
Ahhh what the hell.......Stir Fry it is.......
Have a good Sunday people! Remember.....eating clean keeps you lean!!!!!! Yum!
Gym Ninja x
Saturday, 8 May 2010
Saturday Slaughter!!!!!!!!
YAY!
Saturday Slaughter Session again! It feels like a lifetime since the last one no?
Today Gym Ninja found herself running late for her gym session. Nothing like feeling rushed to get oneself into the wrong frame of mind for a workout, so having stuffed her kit (plus Personal Training bag of evil & 'Dave the BOSU') into the car, Gym Ninja screeched into the car park and hurtled into the gym.
MADE IT! Phew!
Gym Ninja exchanged pleasantries with Dangly Cross Man as they set up their bikes ready for an hour of Advanced Spin. Gym Ninja then necked her energy shot and..
BLEAURRRR!
What IS this? Gym Ninja looked down and realised she'd not grabbed the usual TARGET Energy Shot off the shelf and instead had another brand that gave Gym Ninja 'Doll Eye' Now 'Doll Eye' is when the taste is so tart it makes one eye close uncontrollably, akin to one of those old fashioned plastic dolls with the rattly eyes?
The Fab Instructor arrived and the room filled up-quite a mix today. Lots of Newbies in the room. The lights went off, the music blared out and off eveyone went on a hour of hellish Spin. Gym Ninja noticed that a few of the women today had unsupported boobs. LADIES LADIES LADIES! You may think because you are cycling you have no need for a sports bra, but the tissue moves and jiggles and STRETCHES so you need to wear a sports bra even in Spin OK? If you don't you will end up with tennis balls in socks for boobs, or Snoopy Nose boobs!
*Tisk*
OH NO!
Half way through the class, Gym Ninja was assaulted! Assaulted by an unknown 'Ahhh Bisto' person. That is a person who has a stench that is SO strong you can almost see the vapors in the air. Yuk! Not nice when one is gasping for air themselves.
After the Spin Class Gym Ninja decided to warm down on the Treadmill...but what did she find herself next to? Only a woman running whilst reading a magazine! Yep! RUNNING, with a trashy mag propped on the treadmill. How is that even possible? GN knows she WAS reading it as she kept turning the pages. Also, as ever, the TVs had cookery shows on. Apparenty the world's most expensive TUNA was sold in January weighing a whopping 500lbs! It was sold for £110 MILLION! Wonder if John West bought it????????
Lower Body work followed the cardio (always better to train legs after cardio as if you train hard then it can mean your knees are vulnerable when running after training with weights) an Gym Ninja slammed them! Barbell squats, Romanian Deadlifts, one Legged Deadlifts, Lunges, Frontal Plane Lunges.Gym Ninja was walking like a baby foal after her session.
When safely staggered back to the changing room, Gym Ninja was greeted by the world's BIGGEST woman! She was like a GIANT! Far bigger than any of the previous giants GN has mentioned. She must have been about 6 foot 2" tall in her bare feet, quite chunky, and wearing a leopard print top and a visor! Gym Ninja felt like one of the Borrower Midget people when she walked past her....
After showering, GN was getting ready whilst standing in her bra, and touching up her make up/doing her hair at the mirrors near the changing room entrance, when an announcement came over the tannoy....
"Female First AIder to the Ladies Sauna!"
Golly! Maybe someone was melting in there? Gym Ninja leaned forward and did her mascara...yep. GN forgot she's a First Aider but as she doesn't work there then who is she to bother anyway?
A girl rushed into the changing rooms, past GN and towards the sauna. That'd be the First Aider.
Next minute, in rushes a MALE first aider.
Er..........hang fire! Gym Ninja is in her BRA here mr!
HOW annoying! Why can't there be a FIRE? Gym Ninja doesn't mind a Fireman rushing in..........
Once clothed and mascara'd up, Gym Ninja departed, onwards to her Personal Training Client who is doing remarkably well with her self-discipline, even proudly showing GN her healthily stocked fridge and freezer!!!!! The client is also besotted by Gym Ninja's BOSU (named Dave). Gym Ninja finds naming her PT equipment helps make it easier for clients to swear at the stuff when things get tough...... and swear she did (albeit only in small doses).
Okey dokey, it's getting late and GN has to get up for a Groundhog Spin session in the morning. Sorry for the abrupt end to the blog but never mind...plenty more blogging posts in the sea.. ;-)
Gym Ninja x
Saturday Slaughter Session again! It feels like a lifetime since the last one no?
Today Gym Ninja found herself running late for her gym session. Nothing like feeling rushed to get oneself into the wrong frame of mind for a workout, so having stuffed her kit (plus Personal Training bag of evil & 'Dave the BOSU') into the car, Gym Ninja screeched into the car park and hurtled into the gym.
MADE IT! Phew!
Gym Ninja exchanged pleasantries with Dangly Cross Man as they set up their bikes ready for an hour of Advanced Spin. Gym Ninja then necked her energy shot and..
BLEAURRRR!
What IS this? Gym Ninja looked down and realised she'd not grabbed the usual TARGET Energy Shot off the shelf and instead had another brand that gave Gym Ninja 'Doll Eye' Now 'Doll Eye' is when the taste is so tart it makes one eye close uncontrollably, akin to one of those old fashioned plastic dolls with the rattly eyes?
The Fab Instructor arrived and the room filled up-quite a mix today. Lots of Newbies in the room. The lights went off, the music blared out and off eveyone went on a hour of hellish Spin. Gym Ninja noticed that a few of the women today had unsupported boobs. LADIES LADIES LADIES! You may think because you are cycling you have no need for a sports bra, but the tissue moves and jiggles and STRETCHES so you need to wear a sports bra even in Spin OK? If you don't you will end up with tennis balls in socks for boobs, or Snoopy Nose boobs!
*Tisk*
OH NO!
Half way through the class, Gym Ninja was assaulted! Assaulted by an unknown 'Ahhh Bisto' person. That is a person who has a stench that is SO strong you can almost see the vapors in the air. Yuk! Not nice when one is gasping for air themselves.
After the Spin Class Gym Ninja decided to warm down on the Treadmill...but what did she find herself next to? Only a woman running whilst reading a magazine! Yep! RUNNING, with a trashy mag propped on the treadmill. How is that even possible? GN knows she WAS reading it as she kept turning the pages. Also, as ever, the TVs had cookery shows on. Apparenty the world's most expensive TUNA was sold in January weighing a whopping 500lbs! It was sold for £110 MILLION! Wonder if John West bought it????????
Lower Body work followed the cardio (always better to train legs after cardio as if you train hard then it can mean your knees are vulnerable when running after training with weights) an Gym Ninja slammed them! Barbell squats, Romanian Deadlifts, one Legged Deadlifts, Lunges, Frontal Plane Lunges.Gym Ninja was walking like a baby foal after her session.
When safely staggered back to the changing room, Gym Ninja was greeted by the world's BIGGEST woman! She was like a GIANT! Far bigger than any of the previous giants GN has mentioned. She must have been about 6 foot 2" tall in her bare feet, quite chunky, and wearing a leopard print top and a visor! Gym Ninja felt like one of the Borrower Midget people when she walked past her....
After showering, GN was getting ready whilst standing in her bra, and touching up her make up/doing her hair at the mirrors near the changing room entrance, when an announcement came over the tannoy....
"Female First AIder to the Ladies Sauna!"
Golly! Maybe someone was melting in there? Gym Ninja leaned forward and did her mascara...yep. GN forgot she's a First Aider but as she doesn't work there then who is she to bother anyway?
A girl rushed into the changing rooms, past GN and towards the sauna. That'd be the First Aider.
Next minute, in rushes a MALE first aider.
Er..........hang fire! Gym Ninja is in her BRA here mr!
HOW annoying! Why can't there be a FIRE? Gym Ninja doesn't mind a Fireman rushing in..........
Once clothed and mascara'd up, Gym Ninja departed, onwards to her Personal Training Client who is doing remarkably well with her self-discipline, even proudly showing GN her healthily stocked fridge and freezer!!!!! The client is also besotted by Gym Ninja's BOSU (named Dave). Gym Ninja finds naming her PT equipment helps make it easier for clients to swear at the stuff when things get tough...... and swear she did (albeit only in small doses).
Okey dokey, it's getting late and GN has to get up for a Groundhog Spin session in the morning. Sorry for the abrupt end to the blog but never mind...plenty more blogging posts in the sea.. ;-)
Gym Ninja x
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