Gun Show

Ooh, who'd have thought that Gym Ninja was FINALLY back on track (ish) and blogging AGAIN without a 57 day delay? Let us not, however, get ahead of ourselves. Plenty of time for that!


Gym Ninja, having been inspired after a particularly evil Personal Training Session inflicted on a client who barely made it through alive (and yet did, which is always a good sign & less damaging to Gym Ninja's Personal Liability Insurance), was all geared up for a quality session of her own. But first, she nipped in on route to the gym to visit her nephew & niece. 


Gym Ninja's nephew 'M' is 10. He has unfeasibly long big toes(the other toes are normal size) & hair like a thatched cottage roof.  Gym Ninja's niece 'T' is 3, super cute and calls high heels Gym Ninja shoes'. Bless.  It was half term so both were at home.  Gym Ninja was snacking on sushi when M came to chat. 


"Is that all you eat?" M asked?


Poor M. Never ask Gym Ninja about what she eats or you'll receive a 5 minute ramble on her eating habits. M never does learn!  The talk then turned to fitness. M declared himself unfit.


"You cannot be unfit, as you do Judo" Reminded Gym Ninja.


M shook his head.


"I AM unfit. I got puffed out running from the living room to the kitchen just then" He said, looking a bit dismayed.  Now to Gym Ninja, who lives & breathes fitness (oh and sparkly glittery things...and gadgets....) that was a trigger to the layman's speech on aerobic and anaerobic energy systems within the body. Anaerobic became 'Rocket Fuel'.


To be fair, Gym Ninja thought she was doing a good enough job, however M started to glaze over, nodded his head a few times, looked around the kitchen and then darted out of the room before Gym Ninja had even finished the rocket fuel analogy ...


Oh. 


So Gym Ninja decided to head to the gym where like minded folk went. OK, so maybe not quite like minded. A bit similar? Hmm, not even that. OK so Gym Ninja was in the same building as them ok?


Gym Ninja began with her 'Do as I say, NOT as I do' method of training. Gym Ninja hits cardio first. Yeh yeh yeh, even Gym Ninja tells clients to start with weights and finish with cardio, but again to reiterate, it just doesn't WORK for Gym Ninja. She ALWAYS loses the drive to do the cardio, so as a freak of nature, Gym Ninja begins with hardcore sweating!  


Back to the story. A 20 minute HIIT run was on the cards. Gym Ninja warmed up and cranked up the treadmill for her run. Luckily she'd chosen the perfect time for her session as it was slap bang in the middle of Kids TV. YAY! Sadly, her favourite show Ooglies  (a link for your convenience is supplied!) was not on....pfft, however Sean The Sheep WAS! Fantastic!


It must look very odd to see Gym Ninja crank out sprint intervals whilst laughing out loud at Sean The Sheep?  Whatever gets a girl through her session huh? That and the latest Album from MOS 'The Rush' Worth a purchase on iTunes if you need dance tracks to get you through cardio. 


As Gym Ninja cooled down from her run, she noticed the man on the adjacent treadmill. He was running with floppy hands. Jazz Hands! Do you recall Jazz Hands Man from months ago? Here he was again, hands flailing like rubber comedy hands, fingers waggling like jelly. SO glad that wasn't spotted mid-run or else it'd ruin the session.


Now unbeknown to Gym Ninja, today was the day of 'The Gun Show'. 
Well, Gym Ninja 'assumes' this to be the case, as everywhere she turned her eyes she was hit by an almighty pair of well-sculpted arms with amazingly defined delts capping them. Mmm. Gym Ninja has a soft spot for arms like that! Add to the mix half or full sleeve tattoos and OMG, it's enough to make the sulky faced Ninja crack a smile.  The gym was crawling with amazing arms!  Bejeeezus. best head into the women only section seeing as it was impossible to concentrate.....


The Womens Gym area was almost deserted. Terribly untidy too, considering women use it. Does NO-ONE pick  dumbbells up and rack them anymore? Bright purple stability balls were scattered across the floor like rubbery tumbleweed.  Gym Ninja tripped over an Ab Cradle.


AHHHR!


Damned Ab Cradles. Take them away from GymNinja's line of vision. Useless gimmicky things! Endless rows of beached women lined up on the floor, stuffed into an Ab Cradle, arms lolloping over the top of the frame, elbows slumped o the pads, desperately trying to drag themselves up off the floor whilst their arms battle against them, pinning them straight back down again. Burn the lot of them! (The Ab Cradles, not the women BTW).


OK. Rant Over.


Today was an Upper Body Day & Gym Ninja worked in supersets of compound & isolation moves for the chest, back, shoulders and then finishing up with arms.  Apart from two girls who came in half way through the session, the area was pretty much deserted. Unfortunately the two girls training were very distracting. The first girl, we shall call her Ballerina thanks to her habit of standing with one leg curled around the other as she faffed with dumbells, arching her lower back into lordosis as she did so, was alone at first, performing wobbly Overhead Triceps Extensions whilst straining her lower back. Her friend, Girl 2 (aka Gossip) walked into the room and shouted over to Ballerina to say hi.


Ballerina, already in danger if smashing a hole in her skull due to a barely controlled dumbbell above her head, turned around, saw Gossip and began to walk towards her, chatting.....an STILL performing wobbly  Overhead Triceps Extensions. Almost as if she had forgotten she was doing so? Once in front of Gossip, she again wrapped one leg behind the other, arched her back and continued to exercise whilst chatting. HOW many reps are you doing lady? Jeeez! Sometimes Gym Ninja would do well to wear blinkers whilst training...


Post workout, Gym Ninja went to get her bag & out of it took her post workout supplements. Not magic bullets. No. Supplements. They 'supplement' a healthy balanced nutrition plan so don't be rushing out hoping that some shakes and pills will counteract the damage of a bag of Haribo and a FatDonalds Fatty meal! 


What is Gym Ninja's post workout preferences?  Tadaaaaaaaaa! Behold....

The beloved Maximuscle Promax protein in Choc Mint (yum), some BCAAs (branch chain amino acids) and L-Glutamine (another amino acid that aids recovery).  Yes, of course Gym Ninja received some dodgy 'OMG THAT GIRL IS ON DRUGS' looks, but then if the girls shooting the looks have arms like wet noodles and midsections like 'Available for hire Bouncy Castles' then who cares?  

So with that 'tasty little snack' consumed, Gym Ninja could now exit stage left, her work here done for another day. 

Gym Ninja x

Sabotaged!!!

Hmm, somebody or something sabotaged Gym Ninja today.  Not sure why, or when they did it, yet it became apparent that something was going on as the gym session today wore on....

Firstly, Gym Ninja nearly didn't make it to today. No, for last night a spider the size of a rhino thundered across the floor, towards the zebra print rug (& Hamish the cat), stopping dead, one leg on the rug, 7 legs on the tiled floor when Gym Ninja started to move (in panic).

*Mexican Spider Stand Off*

Now what? Would Hamish leap into action & wrestle the rhino spider to the floor, chewing off it's legs one by one leaving a currant sized dot?

No. Hamish would join in with the Mexican Spider Stand Off. Everyone/thing was still. So Gym Ninja started to walk towards the rhino spider, only for it to dart away towards the sofa (at this point Hamish had shown an interest), before back tracking and scurrying under the coffee table. Hamish decided this may be fun to follow, and did simply that, keeping a 'safe 'distance. Great. The rhino spider then scuttled back from under the table, and towards the hallway door. Hamish, again, trotted behind it, creating some sort of spidercat trial akin to sheepdog trials.  Uhhhr! Why no kill?  In the end, Gym Ninja, bored of this game and not wanting rhino spider to disappear, grow bigger and strangle Gym Ninja in her sleep, trod on it.

THERE! A rhino spider sized splat on the floor. Job done.

Braving the weather Gym Ninja headed to the gym. On route she received a text from a client who had trained two days earlier with GN. It had rude words in it about leg soreness. Aww, how terribly rewarding it is training clients? Marvelous stuff. With a smile on her face, Gym Ninja went to get changed ready for some low intensity cardio (tattoo still not quite healed) & some upper body work.

Annoyingly, there are women out there who see the A frame (the A shaped rack where the dumbbells are stored) as a friend. They do not wish to move too far away from The A Frame for fear of losing the friendship of the A Frame, or indeed buckling under the weight of a 2kg dumbbell & not having the strength to make it back to the rack. Therefore they select their cotton bud sized dumbbells and then move 3cm away from The A Frame, before performing a few bad lateral raises/biceps cursl/general comedy swings. Now the problem with this is that Gym Ninja needs to gain access to The A Frame herself. This becomes nigh impossible if a few of you have congregated around it and are flinging weights about. This happened today and caused Gym Ninja much annoyance.

As the workout progressed, Gym Ninja was struck by that horrid feeling again. The pinging sensation from a few blog posts ago?

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!

Aka Sports Bra Suicide.  Yep, the rascal had given up the ghost and pinged a strap. Mid chest workout too! Hmmm....in hindsight maybe this was in some way linked to the area Gym Ninja was working? However surely they are made of sterner stuff? So now what? Carry on, without correct support and feeling a bit 'wrong'? Uuuh, no. So with that Gym Ninja had to return to the changing rooms and do a rudimentary repair job. With The Twins firmly restrained, it was then back up to the gym to continue with the weights session.   Within 10 minutes...PING!

AHHHR!

This time it was the other strap committing suicide. Now who (or what) had meddled with Gym Ninja's clothing? This is surely not normal behaviour? Hmm, can rhino spiders do stuff like this? Are they known for their dextrous legs? Had a relative of the now splatted rhino spider sneaked into Gym Ninja's sports bag and started meddling with the stitching as an act of revenge? Pffft!

Gym Ninja, now realising how fruitless another repair job would be, had to then struggle through the rest of the session incorrectly restrained!  This just wasn't respectable!

Once finished, Gym Ninja gathered her locker key and sweat towel and headed back out of the gym area, passing a wall smeared in orange stripes. Ahh, the Fake Tan Stretching Wall.  You'd think someone would get a cloth and clean it once in a while huh?

Gym Ninja walked to her locker, grabbed the lanyard that her key was attached to and....

Oh!

Where the HELL was the key??????  NOW what had that Goddam spider done? Gnawed through the metal so that the key would slip off? Gym  Ninja hoped she wasn't now being haunted by the ghost of rhino spider? So, with The Twins loose (so to speak) Gym Ninja had to then re-trace her steps. Twice GN did this before eventually finding the key in the changing rooms! Uhhr!

On route from the changing rooms, Gym Ninja was hollared by a woman who had asked GN about her protein quaffing a few weeks ago. The woman had been interested as to why GN was drinking it as it was something she said her sons drank, and would it help her gain some muscle definition if she drank it? At the time, Gym Ninja had given the woman a crash course in protein supplementation and recommended Maximuscle (as this is GN's beverage of choice!).   Anyhow, the woman came over to Gym Ninja...

"I went to buy some of that protein the other day" She said. "I went to a small shop locally and explained to the old guy there what I wanted and he said it wasn't for me". 

At this, the woman looked forlorn. 

"Really? Why on earth did he say that?" Questioned Gym Ninja, astonished. Surely in this day and age guys don't still think girls can't take protein supplements? 

"He said it would make me fat and that it would make me bigger and not help me!"  

OMG. Well it appears that there still ARE indeed some misinformed people out there.  So with that, Gym Ninja explained that the Promax protein she'd recommended was low calorie and low carb and that it would support lean muscle growth and not make her fat. Yes perhaps some cheaper less effective brands loaded with sugar and high in calories may add weight, but not in this case. So Gym Ninja made the woman promise to bypass the store and instead go and buy some from Tesco instead. The woman nodded and off she went. 

So just to remind any new readers out there, protein alone won't turn you into some sort of musclebound man/woman. You only need to look around your gym to notice how few of those exist! But what it will do is give your body the fuel and nutrients it needs to repair post-workout, and by repairing it can then reshape and grow stronger.  When choosing a brand, each to their own. Gym Ninja pays extra (when compared to a lot of the brands out there) to use Maximuscle as this is the brand she has seen greatest improvements using herself and it tastes pretty amazing too.  Remember like everything in life, you get what you pay for. Send off for samples if a supplement company offer them and see what you like? There's no point saving money by buying a cheaper brand it if tastes like dishwater and you won't drink it. On the flip side, tasting great isn't always an indicator of a quality supplement, so do your research, compare ingredients and choose what's best for you. As a general and sweeping statement, go for the well-known brands such as Maximuscle, CNP, MuscleTech, PhD, EAS etc, and avoid cheap and cheerful makes like 'Holland & Barrett' or 'Body Fortress'. 

There you go. You all just got the woman's rapid protein lesson too! 

On that note, Gym Ninja shall leave you all to it and allow you to all begin your homework of googling various supplement brands and doing your own product comparison.

Toodle pip!

Gym Ninja (& the ghost of rhino spider) x

Death Stare

Gym Ninja had a devil of a job to get into the 'Saturday Slaughter' mode today. Perhaps this was in some way related to the fact she'd managed to rack up all of 3 and a half hours of sleep before the alarm blared out?

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The usual Pre workout Diet Emerge Enegy drink may well fail, so for a back up, Gym Ninja scoffed a piece of the aptly named 'GoGo Guarana Buzz Gum'.  Now of you look at the link you will see it states it is 'fresh mint'. Gym Ninja would like to point out that the fresh mint flavour lasts all for 11 seconds, only to then be replaced by wet dog taste. However, persevere as it is indeed a non-jitter-inducing buzz.  At that, Gym Ninja went to the gym with her big wide bushbaby eyes.......wired.com!

Heading in to the Spin Studio, GN was pleased to see that Dangly had saved her the usual bike. He nodded hello and then berated Gym Ninja for not attending last week.
*sigh*
WHY?
Dangly KNEW Gym Ninja was training clients last weekend. Pfft!    Much chat the occurred, quite possibly due to  Buzz Gum. Gym Ninja is not kidding when she says it perks you up people!

Dangly was busy gossiping about last week's sessions & how he'd moved to 'The Dark Side' and sat with Team 1. Mouth the loud mouthed woman with the big....lungs... *ahem* is on Team 1. She welcomed him as per usual into the fold. Dangly loves how she won't come near when Gym Ninja is about, as if GN's invisible force field protects them, yet when GN is not about, Mouth is all over him like a rash.

"It's because she probably thinks you are Team Two leader" He Surmised.
"You're Gary Glitter!"

Gym Ninja then cracked open her Death Stare.

Gary Glitter.
Hmm.
That'd be the notorious pedophile leader of the gang yeh?

"He was a pedo" Pointed out Gym Ninja, the Death Stare boring a hole in between Dangly's eyes.

Dangly looked sheepish.
"Er, yeh ok point taken, bad choice of words..."

The lights went down, the music cranked up and off everyone went. Buzz Gum fuelled, Gym Ninja's legs went like the clappers. GoGo Ninja!

Now all get yourselves down to Holland & Barrett and stock up on this stuff, as GN had the best spin session in a long time. All on 3 and a half hours sleep too. Remarkable!  After the session Dangly insisted Gym Ninja walk a circuit of the indoor running track with him so he could continue his gossiping. After 10 minutes there was a..

"HIYA!!!!!!!!!!!"

Wow. How loud. Gym Ninja turned to see who was interrupting and lo and behold it was Lanky. Do you remember Lanky? Tall lanky guy (obviously the clue is in the name) who did the old 'I breathe through my ears *wink wink*' line?  Dangly curled his lip and stomped off.

"How ya doing matey? Not seen you for ages! How's the job?"

Gym Ninja explained about the firing (or fondant fancy as it was referred to if you recall?) & Lanky nodded his head sympathetically.

"Tell ya what I'd do!" He began, his eyes all big.

Hmm, maybe he too had tried Buzz Gum?

"When I was in Ibiza there was a yacht with the son of a Prince on it. Big fat guy he was, who's dad gave him £50k per month to spend. Every day there'd be 2 or 3 girls go on board. They'd stay, shag him and then the next day get paid £1500 each. Do THAT! That'd be great. You could retire in 5 years!"

At this, Lanky beamed.

Gym Ninja wondered if Lanky could hear the whirring sound of The Death Stare locking into the target? Nope. No, he didn't see it coming.


*fires Death Stare*

Making her excuses, Gym Ninja returned to the changing rooms, and spent a good 2 minutes trying to ram her key into the lock. After 2 minutes Gym Ninja concluded that her lock was actually the one 2 doors down, moved across and opened the correct locker. Turning around, Gym Ninja narrowly missed a Death Stare from a butch girl who was glaring at her. Ooops. Gym Ninja had been trying to open HER lock by accident!  Damned Buzz Gum was now confusing Gym Ninja. Time to quaff her Promax shake, hit the shower and make a swift exit....

Back here tomorrow Ninjarettes. No excuses (unless of course it is Gym Ninja making the excuse!). Sunday Slaughter Session is gonna be Buzz Gum Fuelled too!!!!!!

Gym Ninja

Saturday Slaughter

Ahh yep, blogging the same day it actually happened. Wow!

Today is Saturday and today was Saturday Slaughter Session time. Now Gym Ninja had yet another late night due to nothing other than general 'faffing' so had to drag herself out of bed today. She was also hoping that her mahooosive order from Maximuscle would arrive seeing as it hadn't done yesterday? By mahoosive Gym Ninja means 3 tubs of Promax (some with the special offer of 20% extra free...check out THIS LINK if you are interested in that as it is also on selected flavours of Promax, Promax Extreme & Promax Diet), a box of Promax Crisp bars which are fab if you want a guilt-free sweet snack yet have some protein too (good with a nice hot cuppa by the way!) and a tub of Promax Diet.  They are doing some good offers at the moment so go check out the links and see what else they have offers on as they do tend to change all the time?

No sign.

Pah.

But a Slaughter Session waits for no Ninja, so out of the house galloped GN, with barely enough time to neck a Diet Emerge Energy Drink (still an absolute bargain at 25p per can of chemical fizziness ) before arriving at the gym. It was quieter than usual. Maybe down to the fact that the schools have now broken up and all the parents are out entertaining their bored children?

As there was a Y in the day, this meant NO air con was on at the gym. Maybe those huge air con panels on the wall are merely 'Representative Art Installations'?  Anyhow, Gym Ninja found herself warming up on a treadmill  next to Clippy who was currently doing her standard 10% incline, leaning back holding on type walk. A girl walked past, a huge fake flower the size of a side-plate clipped onto her head. Remarkable. Lycra and clip-in hair ornaments. Uhh, the warm up was hard work. Last week's boundless energy seems a distant memory. But up the stairs to the Spin Studio climbed Gym Ninja, and took up her place on her 'usual' bike.

Dangly immediately scolded Gym Ninja.

"Where were you AGAIN last week? You said you'd come in Sunday! I looked a right muppet as I put me towel on yer spin bike to save it for you and I had to move it to let someone else sit there!"

Dangly had pain and hurt in his eyes.....

"Yeh sorry about that but I slept in." Confessed Gym Ninja. "Er, I'm not going to be here tomorrow either as I've a client to train".

Dangly looked as if he were about to explode.

"OK so that will be THREE Sunday Spin Sessions in a row you'll have missed. That's IT! You're getting a warning!"

At this, he waggled his finger. Gym Ninja gave him a 'look'.

The class began, and it was then immediately apparent that Gym Ninja's usual bike had been wrecked when she was not here last time. She had a floppy pedal!!!!! Well, OK so the pedal strap didn't work. Every time it was tightened, it'd just then slowly loosen until Gym Ninja's left foot was left flailing around like it was made of rubber. After 10 minutes Gym Ninja abandoned the bike and moved to a fresh one.  

The room was BOILING hot! The air con wasn't even blowing warm like it usually does. It wasn't blowing at all and even the Instructor who sits on a bike that has arctic air con streams blowing over her at all times was now sweating like a pig too. Great. Feeling tired and now the unbearable 'spin in a sauna environment' for the next hour. Joy! But what can Gym Ninja do when she's shut in a baking hot sauna style room but sweat like a pig and soldier on?

At the back of Gym Ninja's mind (and head) was the thought 'what about my hair?'

No, this was not Gym Ninja being vain. No. Last night Gym Ninja was bored so had whacked on a brown/black colour hair dye on, and as any girl knows, that first rinse is never quite enough to

a) Remove all of the dye
b) Remove that post-hair dye smell.

So what was the worry about the hair? Well anyone who has seen Gym Ninja post-spin will notice it appears she has dunked her head under water for an hour. So....what if the left-over hair dye that never quite comes off after that first wash decides that NOW is the time to start streaking it's way down Gym Ninja's face and neck? Great. Would Gym Ninja emerge from Spin as the missing member of Kiss? GN could certainly smell the hair dye....the heat and the sweat was encouraging it to run free...

EVENTUALLY (!) the hour was up and the cool down commenced. By this point Gym Ninja's sweat towel was sodden and had no absorbency left. Then the lights went up and......

PHEW!

Kiss did NOT have a new member. Admittedly Gym Ninja again appeared to look post-swim, however there were no black streaks snaking their way across the delts.

With that, Gym Ninja squelched out of the spin studio, nipped to the changing area to dry off and then finished up with some weights work and abs.  Gym Ninja really wanted to hit the Hydropool today too as it's been way too long since her last venture into it, however she decided that it was tempting fate and it would be too hard to explain away a 'BP Oil Spill' type slick of black across the pool if her hair dye decided to finally run.

It is now a fair few hours later and still no sign of the Maximuscle Delivery. Pah!
Ah well, Gym Ninja possibly still has a few scrapings of powder at the bottom of her near-empty tub of Choc Chip protein...fingers crossed it arrives soon......

Toodle pip

Gym Ninja x

Twice in one Day

Gym Ninja survived The Race For Life! Just in case you all though she hadn't due to the lack of blogging (yet again!). The day began on the train where Gym Ninja got kitted out in her 'team' outfit of fairy wings, tiara and pink tutu. The run was fun..only 5k and barely a run/jog/walk/gab thanks to the continual bottlenecks of women throughout the course. But £300 was raised (yes £200 short of target but it all counts eh?) and Gym Ninja felt virtuous...

SO virtuous in fact that, later that afternoon, she decided to......go to the gym! Yep. Two workouts in a day. This second one was 'sans fairy wings' of course.  Once at the gym another 5k was run, this time on the treadmill and without 4000 women in pink getting under her feet.  Leg work swiftly followed. Plenty of multi-directional lunges in a part of the gym that appeared to have abandoned all hope of ever getting the aircon to work. Cute!  But really, having felt SO virtuous for doing a charity run AND a second workout, all Gym Ninja could focus on was her new 'craze' the Hydropool as her reward. Throughout the leg work, Gym Ninja closely monitored the Hydropool for signs of excessive hairiness, dodgy swingers or other odd looking people. Considering it was the weekend, the Hydropool appeared remarkably quiet.

After the workout ended, abs were done, stretches complete and Promax protein shake quaffed, Gym Ninja changed into her military themed camouflage bikini and walked through the changing area towards the magic door that led to the pool side.  As Gym Ninja passe the toilets, she could hear a mother and child inside a cubicle. As seems to be compulsory with any child under 3 in a gym environment, the child inside the cubicle was wailing loudly....

"Ahhhhhhhhr!!!!' The child screamed

"Ahhhhhr! I don't LIKE poo,  I like Wee! AHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Oh dear God. Really? Too much information small child thank you very much.

"Look, you have to do it ok?" Answered the mother.

"But I don't want to poo. I want to wee" continued the child at the top of his voice.

"Are you sure?' Questioned the mother nervously? "Don't be doing it in the pool now will you?"

See? This is one of MANY reasons why Gym Ninja will not take up swimming. Sneaky child poo bombs in the water. Yuk!

Anyway, Gym Ninja was by the Magic Door now so through it she went and walked towards the Hydropool. It only had 2 other people in it and yet those people had switched the jets up high, so the pool was like a rabid dog, all foamy and bubbly. At least Gym Ninja HOPED the foaming bubbles were caused by the jets...?  Gym Ninja waded in very carefully, clinging to the side of the pool and made her way to her usual spot, being careful to dodge the tickle jet that often catches the sole of Gym Ninja's foot, launching her up a few meters into the air.....

A man waded towards the Cooker Hood device and cranked it up so that a torrent of water blasted out of it and splattered all over his back....Great! Spray-back! Huge fat droplets of water that were rebounding off the man's back, complete with skin cells were now splatting into Gym Ninja's face. EWWWWWWWWWWWW!  Yet Gym Ninja had nowhere to go! Nowhere! The force of that jet hitting that man meant that if Gym Ninja tried to squeeze past between him and the force of the water, then it was quite possible that she may get blasted with his hair that had been ripped from the follicles of his skin! Gym Ninja recalled the stories she had heard in the past about how hairdressers often get ingrown hairs from customers growing out of their arms etc...Gym Ninja did NOT want to risk having a snowy white man hair growing from her elbow no thank you!!!!!!! Yuk! Again, this was not turning into a relaxing post-workout ritual that was expected.

The moment the cooker hood jet stopped, Gym Ninja exited the pool. Go go go! Time to shower off the other person's skin cells. Heading down the bank of shower cubicles, all the usual ones GN used (the ones that had a smidgen of light thanks to the poor lighting placement above them) were taken. This left a bank of showers all labelled with the following....

"WARNING! THIS SHOWER IS HOTTER THAN NORMAL"

Oh great. Gym Ninja was about to be boiled to death. However at least it would kill off the other guy's skin cells no?  Gym Ninja picked a Death Shower Cubicle. Remember everyone, these showers use the old fashioned (aka tight as f*ck) method of controlling water flow. There is one button to the shower that you press repeatedly to get water of one pre-determined temperature. Constant button pressing is necessary if constant water is needed.   Gym Ninja gingerly leaned towards the push button....best just push it once so the water streams out briefly so that she can determine exactly what temperature  'HOTTER THAN NORMAL' is nowadays.

Would it be:

Centre of a bowl of microwaved porridge hot?
Arm stuck down the side of a radiator in winter hot?
Centre of the Sun hot?

*press*

With an almighty blast worthy of Ron Jeremy the Porn Star (unheard of in these showers which usually whimper and spit a small trickle of water at you) the one single press that Gym Ninja did unleashed a torrent of continual forceful water....................ICE COLD water!

Whaaaaaaat?

That was it! Sweaty un-airconditioned gym session + vocal poo/wee child + splattered skin cells + ice cold shower = NOT a relaxing workout!  

With that, Gym Ninja quickly finished up, dried herself down, got dressed and ran out of the gym.

See you all back here tomorrow!!!!

Gym Ninja x

Back with a Vengeance! Saturday Slaughter Session

Having skipped the usual Saturday Slaughter Sessions the past 2 weeks due to other escapades (such as BodyPower), this weekend saw Gym Ninja return to her usual routine. To those unaware, it involves a one hour intense Spin Class (the only fitness 'class' GN will partake in) then a weights session.

Up & bursting with energy (gotta love the effects of Udos Oil already), Gym Ninja packed up her bag, slithered into her 'go-faster' lycra and pootled off to the Gym.

Ahead of Gym Ninja at the gym entrance was a Tall OAP. Freaky things Tall OAPs. This one was well over 6 foot....he walked through the door and promptly let it slam in GN's face!
Correction, Tall OAPs are both freaky and RUDE...

Gym Ninja warmed up with a 10 minute run. BCAAs were popped to preserve the lean muscle prior to such an intense workout, as was a cheeky energy shot in readiness for what lay ahead.  Then it was upstairs to the Spin Studio to take up residence on her usual Spin Bike. Woe betide anyone who may have taken it in her two week absence.

Warming up in the Spin Studio was Dangly Cross Earrings Man (who incidentally has never worn those earrings since so maybe needs a new name?) who takes the bike next to Gym Ninja's.  Pleasantries were exchanged...along the lines of..

"Where have you been for the past two weeks lazy arse?"

"Well hello to you too", Replied Gym Ninja, before explaining the reason for her absence (plus also mentioning the 'getting fired from her job' escapade).

Thus followed an oddball selection of conversational topics as the bikes were set up, mostly revolving around hairy people in the swimming pool, as Dangly had just been for a swim himself.

"I find it weird that the men with excessive body hair wear swim caps" Confided Dangly, screwing his face up in disgust. "There's this one guy who swims in the pool and he's covered in black hair! It's disgusting!"

"Soggy Teddy Man? Eww, yes I've seen him!" Remarked Gym Ninja. "He looks like a bear that fell in the water and his hair looks like it all knots up when it gets wet".

At that last comment, both Gym Ninja & Dangly went quiet, both horrified at the image that had just popped up in their brains...an image that was dissipated on arrival of the Fab Spin Instructor.

The room soon filled up with the regulars.. Bread Head was in, as was Clippy. Short Shorts sat on his usual bike, as did Mouth and Co (she brings a younger guy with her to every class and he sits there 'mute' throughout-hence now being recognised as 'and Co'). The lights were lowered, the stereo cranked up and off everyone went......

Holy Schmoly, the session was HARDCORE! Yet Gym Ninja's energy levels were high so the sweat just poured out, plastering her hair to her head (who's a Soggy Teddy now eh?). T'was as if Gym Ninja wore blinkers too, as she barely noticed Short Shorts with his out of rhythm bouncing around in front of her bike (very infuriating if you do notice it).

After an hour and nearly 600 cals later (not bad going for Gym Ninja's frame..calorie burn is linked with body weight you see) Gym Ninja staggered out, drenched in sweat and wondering why, despite using her padded gel seat cover, she still felt marginally violated by her Spin Bike?

But there was no time for resting. Not when energy levels were still bubbling. So, with more BCAAs popped, Gym Ninja began her leg workout.

Squats, Deadlifts, Lunges in various directions, Romanian deadlifts, Leg Press, Leg Extension, Hanging Roman Chair Alternate Leg Raises........Gym Ninja totally beasted her lower body until it could barely totter across the gym.

Whilst resting between sets, Gym Ninja took a peek out of the window overlooking the Hydropool and Main Swimming Pool.

Hmmm......

Sat incredibly close together in a swirl of bubbling foamy water (bleuurr), were two men and one woman. It went 'man, man, woman' as the order they were sat in. Middle aged people, nothing to look at....and yet there was something a bit 'odd' about them. A 'vibe' they were giving out? Maybe they looked a bit too excited by the bubbles of the Hydropool? Was that it? Perhaps the fact they were sat SO incredibly close to each other? Maybe that was it? Or, perhaps it was all of these things, combined with the fact that one of the men had lifted his legs up so he jiggled in the bubbles? Either way, Gym Ninja really regretted looking out of the window!

Quick! Look away!

Bleuurr!

Gym Ninja's eyes rested upon Skins. Now Skins is a guy who manages to colour-match to perfection his swimming trunks to his skin tone, making him appear naked as he walks about around the pool. This is really not a good thing....and right up there with flesh toned lingerie in Gym Ninjas LIST OF BAD THINGS.  Gym Ninja snapped her head around....and was promptly met with a view of the Threesome again, who by now had become quite giggly and were stroking each others arms... Time to wind up this Gym Session! Gym Ninja quickly headed back to her barbell, finished off her moves and stretched out to finish. PHEW! Well done Gym Ninja!

Staggering down the stairs and into the Changing Rooms (always a sign of a good leg session when Gym Ninja walks like a baby giraffe) it was time for a  quick shower, running the risk of third degree burns should the showers again be at the water temperature of the sun. Luckily the water temperature was fine. However, Gym Ninja did not manage to nab the only shower cubicle that has all of the strip lighting above it and instead had to shower in near darkness in one of the others. PLEASE sort the lighting out? Gym Ninja does not wish to shower in darkness.

Once clean, dressed and ready to leave, Gym Ninja mixed up her usual refreshing  Promax protein shake in choc mint flavour, and then headed out of the door, freaking out about 3 guys training on the gym floor who had blatantly never seen a woman drink from a Protein Shaker bottle before....uhhr!

Until tomorrow Ninjarettes.....

Gym Ninja x

Farmer Ninja

Hello...

A bit of Wednesday AND Thursday thrown together in a combined blog today for you all.did you all get fed up of checking yesterday and it's now Friday? Sorry about that! Time ran away again.

So, Wednesday was a rest day from the gym. Lots was planned but it all went to pot when Gym Ninja's alarm failed to go off and she awoke 2 hours later than planned! Not even the Ninja cats had bothered to do their usual trick of trampling across the pillows in a casual yet planned 'wake up NOW as I trample your head' shortcut....which meant that GN was behind from the offset! A quick breakfast of 2 scoops of Strawberry Promax Diet with iced water and frozen berries to thicken it up and then plonk in front of the mac computer. GN was as busy as ever.

Firstly the obligatory job trawl through the internet job sites.  Pah. Nothing much to report! Then it was a quick peek at Saturday's agenda for the planned meet up with JAG and TARA. Gym Ninja is meeting up with them both for the first time in person at the BodyPower Expo at the Birmingham NEC.  LOTS of supplement companies will be there (always happy to road test a few protein bars and shakes)and GN is hoping to get a photo of herself with Jay Cutler, Mr Olympia who is the size of an elephant! Isn't he big for his age eh??? Plus, as EVERy woman knows, if you stand next to a huge guy then you look dinky in comparison.

Later that day it was time for Gym Ninja to morph into being Farmer Ninja. The vegetable seeds wouldn't grow in the packets 'apparently' so it was time for GN to grab the garden tool thingies that had been rusting in her shed and have a jolly good fork!!!!!! Not as much fun as it sounds...and bloody hard work actually.

Admittedly maybe digging a vegetable patch in the middle of a piece of lawn isn't correct 'form' but to be fair it's not something GN had thought through. Her skills lie in fitness and other things...but once the turf had been removed the whole thing got easier.

Farmer Ninja stopped for a breather...looking down at the vegetable patch freshly dug.

Oh.

Subconsciously dug in the shape of........well take a look and see what you think?

Yeh...it does kind of look like a shallow grave doesn't it? 

It also appears to be the exact dimensions of Muppet, Gym Ninja's former boss...

So strange what the subconscious does.... ;-)

By now GN had got bored of being a Farmer and decided to take an incoming call from Stumps. Now Stumps had been ringing a fair few times as she was on a mission to locate on of the 'selling them off cheap' bargain tubs of Mini Promax Diet that Gym Ninja had bought for £10.99 at Superdrug. Stumps was getting a tad annoyed that she'd not had any luck having trawled all of the Superdrug stores in a 30 mile radius...

"I'm being a Farmer so I can't talk for long" Said Farmer Ninja to Stumps. 

However it turned out to be rather a useful chat, as Stumps is married to a gardener type of farmer person and quickly put him on the line when Farmer Ninja started to talk random stuff about not now knowing what to do in terms of adding and digging in fertilizer/plant food/top soil etc..

" Stumps tells me you're digging a vegetable patch and want to know what to do in terms of the  stuff you have?" Said Mr Stumps

"Yup. I have fertilizer, organic plant food..I don't know what to do next? When do I chuck the seeds in?"  Enquired Farmer Ninja.

"What type of fertilizer do you have?" Questioned Mr Stumps.

Crap!

"Er...it's in a bag. I'm not sure in fact if it IS fertilizer? It's like a bag of soil I got from the supermarket.." Farmer Ninja petered out, now realising that perhaps fertilizer is specific terminology and what maybe she meant to say was 'bag of soil'?

"OK, so what kind of plant food is it?" Continued Mr Stumps, trying not to sound exasperated.

Crap!

What KIND?

"Er....organic in a bag? Sprinkly stuff you chuck on the soil."  Described Farmer Ninja.

It would be fair to say that Mr Stumps is a very tolerant man. He gave Farmer Ninja some wise advice on her shallow grave and so far all Farmer Ninja can recall is that she is NOT to plant the carrot seeds near everything else as there is something called 'Carrot Fly' that will come in and scoff everything.(Farmer Ninja would imagine that Carrot Fly are orange with green tufty hats...?) So it turns out that carrots are fairly anti-social in terms of vegetable patches. Like the ASBO veggies of the patch. Who knew?

By now Farmer Ninja had reverted back to Gym Ninja and just lobbed the packets of seeds at the ground, covered them over and covered them with a Cloche which is garden-talk for a clear plastic vegetable 'play tunnel'.  That'd keep the NInja cats away as they'd ben circling the area since Farmer Ninja started digging, their eyes lit up ready to use the gigantic purpose dug cat litter tray.......................

Thursday!

YAY!

Gym time!

After another busy yet apparently fruitless day of job hunting, Gym Ninja was ready to hit the gym. Train the 'wheels' as they say in the body building world (Gym Ninja is learning the lingo for the weekend so she can communicate with the Meatheads you see). 

Hmm, are wheels legs? Or are they arms? No wait! Arms are 'guns'...as in 'Sun's out Guns out' phrase to describe how muscly men always don their vest tops when it's sunny to showcase their huge arms...mmm. 

Actually, what ARE The other names for muscle parts? AHHHR! GN needs to learn this and fast.

But back to yesterday's session. 'Twas a leg day! Gym Ninja did her usual back to front 'it suits me so butt out' style of training (cardio before weights) and spent 20 minutes on the treadmill doing some HIIT in the form of interval runs up inclines. AT one point GN found herself running up a 13% gradient! That'll warm up the legs!

To the left of Gym Ninja's treadmill was a large advertising space that is rented out by the Gym. Today the advertising board was covered in an advert for Oven Chips.

Really?

in a gym? 

OVEN CHIPS? 

After the run, it was LEG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Incline Hammer Strength leg press, one legged dumbbell deadlifts, spilt squats, Romanian deadlifts (stiff-legged to you!)....4-6 sets of 10 today for some unknown reason. Yeh, sometimes the plan is that there IS no plan!  Every time GN had to go swap her weights she had to run the gauntlet of Beach Towel Woman. The woman who picks a central spot in the gym  floor and whacks down her stripy beach towel to do ab work..although you never actually SEE her do any ab work She merely lies there....maybe catching a few rays from the overhead strip lights, like some sort of trip hazard?

Gym Ninja also ensured her legs were slaughtered by throwing in some skipping intervals between sets, which also doubles as a fantastic anti-social 'don't stand near to me or I shall whip you with the skipping rope' kind of a mechanism. 

That evening, Gym Ninja was relaxing when the room went dark...like a huge shadow had been cast across it...what on EARTH?????

EEEK!

SPIDER!

A spider the size of Jay Cutler Mr Olympia was galloping at speed across the zebra print rug and under the sofa. There is NO WAY that spider would be able to fold itself down to fit under the sofa and yet it did! Freaky hydraulic spidery legs! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Gym Ninja hates spiders ever since her Year 2 Primary School teacher picked one off her jumper at school. Gym Ninja doesn't like spiders OR jumpers now...

So all evening GN sat by, wondering when Giant SPider would emerge. GN even moved the sofa....and NO! Nothing! Where the f*ck had Giant Spider gone?

An hour later, GN spotted it! A the OTHER SIDE of the room. PLEASE let it be the same one and not it's Twin?  Armed with an old copy of NOW magaxine, GN edged towards the monster and slammed down the magazine and stamped on it. DEAD!

WHAT did you expect? A glass and a piece of cardboard? Gym Ninja is not a hostess offering a glass to animals that size, and anyway there were NO glasses in GN's home that would have covered the Giant Spider anyhow!  Oh what? Don't believe GN? Really? OK....take  a look yourself...

See? Look at it's hydraulic legs all ready to rip Gym Ninja's throat out as she sleeps. 

So...what did GN do with the carcass of the spider? Well......remember the vegetable shallow grave.....? ;-)

Toodle pip

Gym Ninja x

Stumps Slumps!

You all remember Stumps don't you?

Stumps:
1. Clumsy un-coordinated girl who offered to be Gym Ninja's 'victim' during a  Personal Training practical exam before Christmas.
2. Horse riding sales rep! (not at the same time BTW)
3. Online PT client of Gym Ninja's
4. Recently addicted to all things Maximuscle
5. Successfully lost 19lbs and counting thanks to her hard work and fear of getting into Gym Ninja's bad books by being lazy and scoffing biscuits. (Gym Ninja can ALWAYS tell...!)

OK, so you NOW remember her right? Good. OK, so today's blog revolves somewhat around Stumps (and her now smug face as she reads this!).

Stumps rang Gym Ninja a few days ago. Just for a chat.

*Chat chat chat chat gossip gossip gossip chat*

Now, a few days prior to this call, Stumps had posted on her Facebook status that she'd succumbed to an Easter Egg and Cider bedtime binge. Actually whilst IN bed, not just at bed time. BAD Stumps. She was doing Soooooooo well on her Promax Diet shakes and healthy eating plan mixed up with her now routine running sessions. In fact she was Gym Ninja's best online Personal Training Client!

"Er...I have a confession actually" Admitted Stumps all of a sudden, mid chat.

Gym Ninja had ben expecting this.

"Is this about the Easter Egg binge?" Enquired Gym Ninja.

"Well yeh, but you see I only had a few bites as it was one of those tiny Easter Eggs you get as an emergency Easter Egg in case someone's kids turn up...?" 


Hmm, Stumps was keen to justify the egg size eh? Oh and IS there such a thing as an 'emergency Easer Egg'?

"And the cider, well it was horrid. I only had a couple of gulps and stopped drinking it!". Stumps went quiet down the phone.

"So, you have started to develop a taste for more healthy things eh?" Asked Gym Ninja. "This makes the unhealthy stuff taste dodgy!"

You see, this starts to happen when you make changes to what you eat. When you start to try and eat the old stuff, it tastes kind of different.

"There's something else.." Stumps sounded sheepish at this point...
"The other day I ended up buying some stuff from the takeaway place and I ate it"

Hmmm. Gym Ninja did not speak as it turned out Stump's own guilt would make her carry on.

"Plus, the next day my body just rebelled!" Said Stumps.
"There was a guy in the house doing some work and I just couldn't stop farting! It was like my body was saying OMG I cannot eat that stuff anymore. I had to move away in case I farted near his head!!!"

Great. Gym Ninja just LOVES It when people start to talk bowel habits...NOT!

"Even my husband noticed the smell! I won't be eating that stuff again!" Promised Stumps, convincingly. "Even if I wanted to, my stomach and bowels just don't like it anymore!!"

See? The body CAN adjust quite quickly to a healthy eating regime. So when you do go back to eating the junk, the sugars, chemicals and trans fats have a far more obvious effect on your body.

Imagine feeling how this feels....? Stumps had been living like this for years firing on a sluggish system. It's only now that she has cleaned up her diet and exercise regime that she now realises what it is to feel more alive every day. It's very easy to think that how you feel every day (such as sluggish, tired, emotional, lazy,restless, listless) is merely due to age or just how it's supposed to be. Well going back to yesterdays blog (whereby Gym Ninja may have sounded a tad up her own ar*e by saying she has the best body she's ever had despite being the oldest she's ever been, but hopefully you understood where she was coming from??) this is another piece of evidence that shows that aging does not mean a downhill spiral!

Gym Ninja met up with Stumps in person yesterday. Stumps needed to dash off to the loo as she's drinking a couple of litres of water a day (See? Star pupil is Stumps when she's not scoffing emergency Easter Eggs) which just goes to show she may have fallen off the healthy eating wagon but climbed straight back on again! That's how you do it. You fall off the wagon You get right back on it again. None of this 'Oh I wrecked my diet so now I may as well finish off this junk too as the damage is done' Nope. Draw a line under it and get back on track.

So Gym Ninja was to take progress photos of Stumps. It's good to get someone to take progress photos for you. Sometimes you may get disheartened when the scales don't move or you start to slow down inch loss. But when you see the photos and compare them, well, that's a boost in itself. Gym Ninja knew how well Stumps had done but was still surprised at how svelte she looked! Good work Stumps!!!! Gym Ninja would have treated you to a Promax Diet Bar had she not snaffled the last one in her bag moments before meeting you!

Talking of Promax and all things Maximuscle, there is currently an offer on their site so if you've never tried their stuff (or have done but not direct from their website) then it's worth taking a peek as it's money off!!!!!!!

£10 off your first order (to the value of £60) using code MMAPR10  in the check out box.

Now if you think you won't spend that much or are an existing customer then Gym Ninja has had a rummage and discovered a variety of offers on their site. Yes how kind...and yes, Gym Ninja did place an order herself!!!!!!!

Buy one Get one free on boxes of Promax Diet Bars (GN ordered 2 of these thus getting 4 boxes to slice and dice up in her  freaky way), a similar offer on Progain Flapjacks for those of you trying to bulk up, Extra free pack of Thermobol fat burning supplement when you buy the 90 capsules, Promax Crisp Bar BOGOF offers (of course GN's favourites too & ordered!) oh and lots more. Just click on this link to reach the SPECIAL OFFER tab section and have a mooch for yourself. If you don't like the taste (unlikely)  or think it's rubbish (even more unlikely to be fair as it's not)  they do a fab refund policy. Gym Ninja's order of 2 x Promax Diet Bars (resulting in 4 boxes) plus a tub of Choc Mint Promax should be delivered Friday!!!!!! That'll help with the EAT CLEAN GET LEAN Photoshoot that is just under 20 days away...eeek!

Right, assuming you are all still reading this and not mooching on the Maximuscle site (and my, have you spotted the rather handsome Spartan the Gladiator and his handstand press ups video on their site? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm) then GN waves goodbye for today. Back here tomorrow Ninjarettes. Remember...as long as you are moving in the right direction (as in towards a healthier lifestyle and body) then you are on the right track ;-)

Gym Ninja x

Ruuun Ninja ruuuuun!

As promised, yesterday's gym visit blogatised (or whatever the verb is?)

Hmm, yesterday. So far away in Gym Ninja's memory. What DID Gym Ninja do yesterday at the gym then? Goddamit, it can be tough trying to recall information that's not more than 60 seconds old. Maybe Gym Ninja was a Goldfish in her previous life...?

Ah yes, t'was cardio and upper body at the gym yesterday. Oh, and Gym Ninja even managed to find one of the nice treadmills that wasn't either broken or busy. Remarkable! This of course was made even better by the fact that Gym Ninja now had her beloved Polar Heart Rate Monitor back in action. Without actually knowing what zone you are in, it is easy to waste one's time when it comes to cardio.  Who actually wants to waste time when at the gym eh?

Gym Ninja is still working out in the Hypertrophy rep range right now. Upper body is so much fun when one is building muscle...sarcoplasmic hypertrophy it may be, but it makes Gym Ninja's muscles look good thank you very much!   To begin with, Gym Ninja headed over to the Assisted Pull Up Machine. The one where you can duplicate pull ups but with a bit of help. So Gym Ninja set the 'help' up, climbed onto the machine and grabbed the bar.

Oh bugger!

Gym Ninja had forgotten that this particular Assisted Pull Up Machine has handles the thickness of aubergines. This is NOT conducive for a good pull up session as far as Gym Ninja and her small hands/faffy grip combo is concerned. Looks like this workout may be tougher than anticipated.

So began Gym Ninja's Pull Ups....her hands struggling to grip the bar as she dragged her body up and down. Damn you aubergine handles! 4 sets of 8 and Gym Ninja is left with pink hands and wobbly forearms.....oh and a decent lat workout of course.

Continuing on with the back, Gym Ninja did some supine grip barbell rows which just about finished off her back. Chest work and some nifty shoulder work followed. Due to a shortage of exercise benches, Gym Ninja had to use a swiss stability ball in order to perform her lying lateral dumbbell raises for her delts. Lying down doing this (or at a jaunty 45' angle using the stability ball) gives the delt/arm tie-in a bit more detail. That curvy side-on look where your side of your shoulders curve out and then in to your arms...you know the one. You want it? Do this then! But be warned, you will need to ensure your feet are stabilising you as you lie on your side on the ball, by doing scissor stance wedging your feet against the wall. If you don't then prepare to roll across the gym floor like a dodgy circus act!

By the time Gym Ninja had worked up a sweat, her entire upper body was finished off nicely. A quick refuel using a promax shake mixed with a mini scoop of Creatamax and GN could go home.

The next day (That'd be today) Gym Ninja had planned only an outdoor running session. The stress that GN ended up feeling meant that by 5.30pm she was more than ready to get her trainers on (other clothing as well of course!) and sweat out the stress.  Nothing like a nice long sweaty run the evening of the day you got your hair cut and blow dried eh? Talk about timing! With the Scott Mills podcast downloaded onto the iPhone, Gym Ninja set out on the scenic route from her house to her parents house via the promenade.

Off Gym Ninja ran...it takes a while to get into the stride but GN was soon happily running...until she was burnt up by a runner guy pushing a 3 wheeler pram with a baby in it. Grrr! 'It's NOT a race Mr Runner Dad!" HOW annoying is it when someone passes you as you run?

As per usual the prom was full of meanderer strollers and people walking dogs. Dogs not on leads who get overly excited when they see Gym Ninja running towards them. NOT wise considering today Gym  Ninja has accidentally managed to step on one of her cat's paws 3 times! Yes, 3 times! So stay away animals or Gym Ninja's clown feet may squash you flat!

Having avoided the dogs, Gym Ninja had to make a sudden swerve as an oncoming child, seeing Gym Ninja running towards him, decided to boot his football in her path. Kids! Wipe that angelic smile off your face football boy. Gym Ninja saw the evil glint in your eye before you aimed at her....

What is it with outdoor running? Personally, if Gym Ninja sees a runner she looks and then looks away, disinterested. But no! Not the locals here! They all share a 'Look! A runner! A RUNNER! Let us ALL STARE at the runner without diverting our gaze, unashamedly, until she feels incredibly uncomfortable!' type of a view. gym Ninja hates that part of outdoor running. Gym Ninja also hates gangs of 14 year old boys who cat call and whistle as she runs past.

After 40 minutes of running, Gym Ninja made it to her destination...her parents house. Excellent! This way GN could have a nice cup of tea and a sit down, then happily accept a lift home from her mum.

AHHHR!

Gym Ninja's parents were out! Good job GN has the key! A quick sup of water and a detour past the sweet drawer (well, just this once Gym Ninja required CHOCOLATE-yes, GN ate chocolate buttons- in order to refuel her unplanned run home!) and Gym Ninja headed back out to run home.

Luckily there IS a shorter route that only took 15 minutes and was away from the prom and the various kids/dogs/weirdos. Enough to burn off the buttons eh?

Tomorrow Gym Ninja is travelling down to Fit Pro for the annual Spring Convention. Plenty of lectures and industry demos to attend for two whole days. Should be fun! Not sure if GN will get a chance to blog but notes will be made and if not updates occur then rest assured you're all in for a treat upon GN's return!

Toodle pip

Gym Cadbury Button Ninja x

Human, all too human...

So...Day 1 of the Exhibition and let Gym Ninja just point out that:

1.  Sometimes rage can be used to fuel a good workout
2.  If it wasn't for the crowds, Gym Ninja would be up on Manslaughter charges.

The Day 1 of the Exhibition loomed large, and Gym Ninja fuelled up at breakfast with a wheat free pitta stuffed with cottage cheese & a choc mint Promax shake.  In her bag were bottles of water, oragnic apples, some BCAAs and a couple of Promax Meal Bars. Well, one can never be too careful turning up at things like this without food supplies!

Dutchie, the MD from Holland was due to arrive today, a was GN's colleague who is studying the same fitness course (but 8 months behind). Thank GOD for the colleague! She kept Gym Ninja relatively sane, as she had to fight back the comments upon seeing her new Line Manager 'Adolf' rock up in a new tie he'd purposely colour-matched to the new company colours to impress Dutchie . Gym Ninja also had to show restraint as she watched Adolf pootle over to the Danone stand and blag a freebie yoghurt at 9.45am, and again, as 10.15am came round and out came the biscuits!!!!!  Wow, he'd only just had his fried breakfast at 8.30am!

At lunch, as expected, the catering was 'suspect' and the best option Gym Ninja and her fitness pal could find were Nicoise Salad at the salad bar.

"What's your healthiest salad here?" Enquired GN to the guy serving everyone.

"The Nicoise" He answered. "Do you want some?"


Gym Ninja nodded and watched as the guy scooped a load of lettuce plus one half of a hardboiled egg into a tiny container. £4 this was priced at!

"Er, any chance I can have a second half egg please?" Begged Gym Ninja, desperate to flesh out her lunch.
The guy looked apprehensive. Obviously he was under strict instructions to only dispense one half egg into every over-priced salad.

"PLEASE? I weight train! I can't survive on that!" Implored Gym Ninja, her cute face at the ready..

"Ahhh, I weight train too!" Announced the guy, popping a biceps pose at her, winking and scooping in an extra egg. Yippee! A fellow fitness fan!

At the counter, Gym Ninja watched as another guy rang through both salads and drinks. for her and her colleague. Gym Ninja grabbed a couple of apples too.

"Oh no! I forgot to ring through the apples!" Scowled the cashier man.

"OMG, do you think they grow on trees or something?" Said Gym Ninja.
At that, Cashier Man laughed and told her to take the apples for free.

Awww, how nice is everyone sometimes? But sadly that wasn't to last....

Mid afternoon, out of nowhere, in the middle of the exhibition stand, Gym Ninja's other MD raged at her! A deal had been delayed thanks to our office staff delaying CAD plans that the client had only just received and the MD was convinced the deal was lost.


"Why has this happened?" He raged, in front of Dutchie, the team and the passers by.

Gym Ninja explained about the delay in the office. But no, this wasn't good enough!

"WHY didn't you get a director involved then?" He screamed (Gym Ninja's place of work is somewhat management heavy!)

OK, so THAT was enough!

"I DID get a director involved. I spoke to Mark last Monday and he said 'Oh, is this going to cause a problem?' I said 'Yeh HUGE problem' and yet STILL nothing happened until Friday!"

The MD dismissed Gym Ninja's comment with a 'I find THAT hard to believe! Get in to the client tomorrow and take Adolf with you!"

Grrrr!

So Gym Ninja was in a baaaaaad mood as firstly the delay had NOT been her fault, secondly she HAD gotten a Director involved and thirdly, why rage in front of clients and staff?

By the end of the exhibition, GN was ready to release her annoyance at the gym, and drove straight there with BIG plans on running it out of her!

However, within 10 minutes Gym Ninja's body told her that running was a no-go. It wanted to do weights. SO that's what Gym Ninja did. Flung a few weights around, working her lower body with compound movements until the anger subsided. Admittedly maybe her body hadn't so much as told her it didn't want to run, but more kind of 'you ate that last apple a bit too late and now it's hanging in your stomach like a lead weight". Ooops!

On route home, GN stopped off at a Tesco Express, home off the oddball shopper. There she picked up a small box of sushi (supplies for tomorrow), some king prawns, an onion and....oh no. NO NO NO NO NO!

Emotion got the better of Gym Ninja. In the basket went a jar of Nutella.....!

*cue dramatic music*

Once home, out came the jar and in went the spoon.
4 hefty spoons of Nutella later and Gym Ninja remembered why she never eats/buys Nutella.

It. Does. Not. Cure. Bad. Moods.

FACT!

Also, as you start to eat clean, you will find that the very things you wean yourself off, make you feel like a bag 'o' sh*te the moment you eat it. As if your body is raising the alarm and saying 'Whoa whoa whoa! Invader!'

Now Nutella can be good, a scraping on a slice of wholemeal toast. But straight from the jar? NOT recommended!

So, with the jar banished to the cupboard, Gym Ninja sliced and diced until she'd made a huge vat of butternut squash, red bell pepper, soft cheese and chives soup...you know, to wash out the Nutella, ahem!

It's all very odd, as earlier Gym Ninja had been having discussions via email with Tara regarding clean eating.  Yet here, thanks to a huge humiliating b*llocking from her boss (and probably a fair bit of pressure that had built up over the past few months in terms of workload and stress), GN reached for Nutella.  Even more ironic, it made her feel WORSE!

So you see, everyone falls 'off the wagon'. Maybe weekly, monthly, quarterly even? But it happens. So if it happens to you, address what triggered it. See if you can find a way of avoiding such a response next time and LEARN from it. Then, put it right behind you and get right back on track. Gym Ninja did with a gorgeously healthy bowl of home made soup. Do not use a lapse as an excuse to throw in the towel and continue to binge. One slip up your body will forgive you for, more than one at a time and it will start to make it's voice heard!!!!

Okey dokey, GN needs to go and wash up the soup pan/blender/bowl.

You all now breathe a sigh of relief as you realise that, despite being 98% machine, Gym Ninja is in fact also 1% human...and 1% Nutella....

;-)

Nutella Ninja x

Time Bandits!

Time Bandits stole Gym Ninja's evening yesterday which is why you didn't get your blog fix. Sorry about that! No sooner had GN returned from her gym workout, fuelled up and sat in front of the computer to do some online learning on soft tissue injuries, then it was BAM! Midnight!

To be fair, they are wrestling with Gym Ninja again this evening but she's logging off right after this blog. That'll teach em!

Yesterday Gym Ninja's new business cards arrived. Yippeeeeee!  Gn opened the box, in an excitable manner.
Oh.
*sad face*
The cards were great...but...the red of the logo of her Personal Training company info was not as red as it should be. Think less deep red and more blood clot browny red. Pffft!
Maybe that's what happens when you order online? Not to worry. Gym Ninja can hand them out with an accompanying statement thus:
"The red is wrong. It should be MORE red"...

On route to the Gym, Gym Ninja went to pick up her trial tops she'd had printed up with her logo, to see what they looked like (plus the quality of the printing). She carefully avoided falling over the high viz step like last time..

The owner of the shop came out to talk. He explained what had happened when  he'd printed up the test fabric..

"The red came out as a horrid maroon browny red"

"Oh, did it?" Said Gym Ninja, intrigued by this as the red had done exactly the same on the cards yet looked red on the computer.

She then explained about the cards, and the shop owner became all animated.
He said that the colours used on computer screens aren't the same for print based colours, and that he had taken the liberty of brightening the red to what shade he thought it should be (based on the screen colour).
Tadaaaaaa!

Perfect logos!

Oh how happy Gym Ninja was!

So, Gym Ninja went to the gym. She'd been looking forward to it ALL day, especially as her line manager had called her moments before with some naff 'sales ideas'. Uhhr!

Due to it being a Monday, the downstairs treadmills were full. Gym Ninja had now learned that the 1 vacant treadmill was a trap and still the broken one that had been like that for about a month. Yes, admittedly it had taken GN 3 weeks to figure this out and foolishly walked over to it every time. So instead she used one of the top floor treadmills where she could run AND perv at the muscly arms on show. AFter all, being sunny that meant only one thing...'Sun's out, Gun's out!'

Being pushed for time Gym Ninja razed up and down the speed intervals on the treadmill and then meandered over to the Hammer Strength machines, where she loaded up the incline leg press with weight plates. Today Gym Ninja would do German Volume Training. 10 sets of 10 reps, with a timed 60 second rest between sets. She'd then go fry her quads doing 3 sets of 12 on the leg extension to finish them off.  Good times.

GN was in rest period 5, focussing intently on her iPhone stopwatch when it all went dark!
WTF!

"Hullooooooo mate! Not seen you for AGES!" Said a voice.

The lights came back on. T'was Lanky. He'd thrown his gym towel over Gym Ninja's face to surprise her.
Yuk. Sweaty gym towel.

Pleasantries were exchanged whilst Gym Ninja methodically timed her rest periods then bashed out some more reps. Lanky was asking after the PT business and suggested once he heard that GN planned on home visits, that he could get a home visit too!

Gym Ninja looked at Lanky. he did a nudge nudge wink wink move and turned pink.

NO. No no no no NO!

Cue the *tough love* moment. Gym Ninja tuned to Lanky and said,

"If you think for ONE second you'd even have enough energy to be thinking of doing anything else after a training session with me, you're very much mistaken!"

Luckily Lanky has a good sense of humour, so that issue was quashed on the spot! Phew!

Moving on to the leg extension, Gym Ninja fried her quads. Job done! Now to hit the hamstrings and glutes (or what was left of them) in the girly area of the gym.

Oh goody.
Women who just set up in the middle of the walk through part and start wafting dumbbells all over the place! GN nearly had a 2kg dumbbell up her left nostril at one point.  To be fair, not so many dead bodies doing ab work today Maybe the tide went out and washed them all away? At least it meant GN didn't have to worry about dropping a barbell on anyone's head today.

After deadlifts and split squats, GN did a  quick finish off with a burst of skipping, ruined by a young girl who insisted on wanting to squeeze past the peripheral area of the rope which meant GN had to stop. Then down to the changing room to quaff her beloved Choc Mint Promax shake, accompanied by the usual silent stares that say 'OMG she is a GIRL and is drinking one of those boy bodybuilder shakes', before heading off home for the evening (that'd be the evening that the Time Bandits stole!)

Now, Gym Ninja is determined to get to bed at a reasonable hour. She has the beginnings of a cold hovering about for the past 4 days. Gym Ninja hasn't had a cold since last winter (yep-she escaped all Sept-Feb flu season) so she'll be damned if it's going to get her now.

PS...
if GN disappears, then the Night Nurse that's been open since Winter 2008 wasn't worth drinking...!

Gym Ninja x

How quickly Gym Ninja forgets.....

Manic Mondays!
Just another....

Yep. Geared up to start the week on the right foot, Gym Ninja found herself heading to the gym after work for her lower body and cardio session.  As she drove into the  car park, her memory suddenly kicked in.
Busy busy!
Uhhh.
This January fitness malarkey appears to be lasting (well, on a Monday anyway. By Wednesday most of them have disappeared again)....

Ah well, Gym Ninja was here now anyway.  Shame not to.

As per usual for a Monday, the treadmills were filled with strollers. Meanderers. Jaywalkers. People who hang onto the bar at the front for dear life as they treadmill drags them forwards.

Do you know what GN hates about people who do not train properly? They are wasting their time.  Not only that, they will slog away in the gym, not see any discernible results, then declare exercise as a whole, a waste of time. They will announce that they have a slow metabolism/big bones/hormone problems. They will then quit attending the gym (despite still lining the pockets of it with their expensive monthly membership that's contractually tighter than most mortgages), sit back, continue eating and lazing about and getting depressed.

NO NEED!
Exercise can be fun! We wouldn't go if it wasn't.  Plus, if you know what you are doing or hire someone who does, then you can reap the benefits and feel great. None of this dragging yourself along the treadmill malarkey..

But again, Gym Ninja digresses...so instead she clambered on the X Trainer and then the Stairclimber for her cardio fix, before moving on to lower body.

Before GN could do any lower body exercises, she had to run the gauntlet of 'Booby Traps'. That is, the women with large breasts lying splat on a mat, all over the gym floor. Please Total Fitness, PLEASE put up a sign saying that 'For H&S reasons it's best NOT to lie on the floor in the free weights area'. Surely if someone gets hit on the head by a dropped weight then you are at fault as you have failed to identify this as a H&S issue? It is an accident waiting to happen, and not a pretty one either.

So, Gym Ninja managed to locate a clear space next to a woman who'd gone into a zombie trance as she sat, lets akimbo, on a bench, a weighted bar on her traps, performing rhythmical side twists. Not fast enough to work the obliques. Noooooo! But slow enough to put herself into a hypnotic zombie trance as she watched her body turn left and right and left and right, wasting time.

Gym Ninja began her workout, dodging the odd woman (not literally odd!) who wanted to stuff themselves into the corner where the cable machine was so they could let the machine drag them all over the place.
RESIST the weight. That's the whole point.  You need to work hard to get results.

As per usual on a Monday, the Cotton Wool Woman (woman with hair like a ball of cotton wool) had set up camp slap bang in the middle of the free weight area, marginally blocking the path to the free weights stack, making it incredibly difficult for anyone to get a dumbbell or barbell without falling onto her. She was waggling one arm above her head in a vain attempt to perform an overhead triceps extension. She'd then suddenly switch to 'biceps faffs' (like biceps curls but with no form or control), and then to 'side collapses' (aka side bends). Most distracting seeing that go on out of the corner of one's eye....

Once Gym Ninja had done 4 exercises, it was time to move to a spot at the other side of the gym, where there was more space. This also meant that GN could use her skipping rope to add a bit of cardio burn between sets. As she walked past the bikes, she passed a young girl sporting false glue on eyelashes the length of camel eyelashes. Aren't false eyelashes for night time? Hmm...

So, ensuring she was not close enough for her rope to snag on one of the eyelashes, Gym Ninja began her skipping sets.

*Skip skip skip skip skip...*


Gym Ninja got into 'the zone'. It's easy to drift away mentally as you skip. It's only when you bring your mind back and think ,
'Golly gosh, I've been skipping a while and I haven't even tripped yet...'?
*Cue tripping.*
Uhr! Clumsy Ninja!

The moment GymNinja tripped on the rope, she broke her zone-out state and then became aware of just how many people had been watching her.
This is SKIPPING everyone.
One of the easiest movements to do.
Do not, and Gym Ninja repeats, DO NOT be afraid. It cannot harm you.  It is not some sort of evil witchcraft or sorcery. It's actually a decent transportable workout! Try it! You'll like it.

The staring got a bit too much so after stretching out, Gym Ninja left the sanctuary (!) of the ladies gym, crossed the mixed area (admiring a few chiseled arms of various guys dotted about the gym) and headed down to the changing rooms.
Bugger!
The Maximuscle Promax was at home!
Ah well, at least when GN got in she'd be able to blend up a handful of frozen raspberries with the strawberry Promax and make a nice iced thick protein shake.  Have YOU got creative with your protein shakes yet?...

Right...Gym Ninja needs to cut this short as she's suddenly realised she has to swot up on Osteoarthritis and other exciting conditions. She may do this over a meal of steamed mixed veg with cottage cheese. Yum yum. One of GN's favourite meals at he moment....

Toodle pip!
Gym Ninja x