Oh no!
Do you all feel abandoned?
Gym Ninja began 2 new blog posts in the past few days and yet stopped midway due to other commitments. But had to share the news for today, even if it was brief. Bet it doesn't turn out brief eh?
So...if you want fitness stuff skim to the end, otherwise continue as GN has another Interview story to tell....
Today.
Today Gym Ninja had an interview with a 'competitor' to her old work. The old work being the ones who had 'Fondant Fancied' (aka sacked) her. Now, Gym Ninja had agreed to this interview 1 day after being fired, and it was only just coming to fruition as first GN had to take a 1 hour telephone screening interview first. Talk about long drawn out processes!
Last night Gym Ninja received a call from the Agency checking to see if she was fully prepared for the interview.
Gym Ninja said yes.
Gym Ninja lied.
Gym Ninja HATES the Industry sector she was working in, so the thought of working in it again albeit for another company was still not a nice prospect. However, it was a day out eh? A chance to get suited and booted and talk 'business'. Plus, Gym Ninja could accidentally leak a few trade secrets in the process? After all, it's the least she could do.......
After an attempt to revise the night before for the subject she was supposed to know already having worked in a job for 10 months (ahem), Gym Ninja was soon distracted by a telephone call from her chum, Cactus K who was being infinitely childish and dragged Gym Ninja down that route with her, so all that planned revision went by the wayside.
Oops!
The morning dawned and Gym Ninja did Power Dressing Ninja, grabbed her sales brag file (a folder showing her achievements in sales roles, for example winning incentives, and holiday such as Rio and the Cannes Film Festival to name but a few....surprised? Gym Ninja can actually sell you know! It's just boring stuff for Muppets she finds hard to deal with!!!) and set out on the 3 hours drive to meet the Business Director at Company X.
Gym Ninja pulled up outside the front door of the Head Office and parked in the Visitors Space. Gym Ninja got out of the car, trying her best to look professional, as she realised that her Mini Cooper was rocking the fluffy dice and daisy on the arial look (something GN usually frowns upon but had been going through a phase recently!). Bugger!
On arrival, Gym Ninja was introduced to the Business Director,... let us call him Bob. Bob offered Gym Ninja a cuppa so having agreed to this she watched, horrified as he attempted to coerce a machine into plopping fake tea into a plastic cup. Mmm. Thanks.
"Today's just an informal chat" Said Bob, who was a likable chappy as he held the door open for Gym Ninja (aww, GN loves manners).
"Sit down, anywhere you feel comfortable. Take your jacket off too if you like......" Continued Bob, wafting his hand at a chair.
Er, what?
Gym Ninja had visions of this turning into a
'Just pop your clothes off and take a seat' kind of a predicament...but chose to quell her apprehension and did as she was told.
Taking the jacket off, not the entire outfit BTW....
Thus began the 'informal chat' and it REALLY was informal.
"I see you work at The Muppet Show?" Said Bob, referring to Gym Ninja's previous employer. Obviously the company name has been changed to spare any incompetent hurt feelings.......
Now, the night before Gym Ninja had been undecided as to how to break the news mid interview about the Fondant Fancy situation. Should she come clean? Should she try and disguise it with smoke and mirror talk? Should she profess sexual harassment so that Bob wouldn't ask further details from her? After much consultation with friends and a chat with Cactus K on the phone (before Cactus had gone all childishly smutty on her of course) Gym Ninja worked up a very nice speech that would make a Politician weep with it's vagueness.
"Ah, I did work there but I don't now. There's a story behind that" Replied Gym Ninja, as Bob raised his eyebrow quizzically.
"I saw 3 of your old work colleagues about jobs recently" Confessed Bob, before he slapped his hand over his mouth.
"Oooh, I shouldn't have said that, it's not professional of me!"
Gym Ninja looked at Bob, smelling gossip!
"Hey, you can tell me. It's not like I am in contact with them anymore, for reasons you'll understand soon enough", Encouraged Gym Ninja, in her 'Cadbury Caramel Bunny' voice and using her special 'cute innocent face'.
It worked!
Bob spewed gossip! Turns out that Gym Ninja's other sales colleague (no, not Muppet-he is busy reinventing the wheel and teaching people to suck eggs), who is 2 years from retirement, had an interview for this very job the day before. He is extremely experienced and it was a surprise to GN that he was looking elsewhere. Also, the head of the engineering team plus another person had also applied to work with them. Trouble at Muppet Mansions eh?
"So, why did you leave then?" Enquired Bob.
Gym Ninja had rehearsed this the night before, after much consultation with friends remember. This was the moment she would create a thing veil over the whole sacking incident....
"I was fired!"
Yup!
Just fell out of Gym Ninja's mouth.
Bob looked a bit taken aback and then smiled, curious as to why? So thus followed Gym Ninja' tale of what had happened and the predicament she'd been in with the Blandmobile Company Car, Muppet, the Micromanager MD etc.
Now Bob knows the company and the people. He knew that the story GN was telling him was totally true. Bob and Gym Ninja BONDED! Another reason Gym NInja bonded with him was that he shared a similar waffling rambling trait which ended with a 'Er, what was the question again?' at the end of it. Gym Nina does that too!
After an hour of chat and gossip, whereby Gym Ninja found herself using all manner of rude phrases to illustrate sales examples ...eg..:
'He micromanaged me to the point I'd almost have to tell him what colour underwear I wore"
"I am anal about admin"
"He harassed me constantly"
...the interview came to an end. Bob then announced to Gym Ninja that he'd like to invite her back for a follow up interview.
"I like how blunt you are. I like how you just said 'I was fired'!" Smiled Bob.
Bugger!
Remember, Gym Ninja doesn't want this job. Pah!
To make matters worse, Gym Ninja's old colleague isn't getting put through to the next stage. Aww, poor guy!
So, with a handshake, Gym Ninja tottered out of the room, promised to return for the second interview (goddamit why?) and then drove home.
Stopping on route at the Motorway Services, Gym Ninja was wolf whistled as she walked back to her car.
But....when did wolf whistles become so 'specific'. Allow GN to explain....
*Cue wolf whistle* as Gym Ninja walked past a guy.
2 second pause
"Nice shoes!!!"
OK...so, does this mean that you are whistling the shoes only?
Does this mean you hate Gym Ninja's face?
Has Gym Ninja rubbish hair today?
Pah!
Exercise-related part!
So, here is the 'news'. Yesterday Gym Ninja had her practical session for a role working alongside an established PT to do freelance Personal Training.
It went well. very well. It was the follow up to the role whereby she'd be based at the luxury hotel where she did a runner and didn't pay for her expensive cup of tea remember?
To cut a long story short she was offered the opportunity.
Gym Ninja has mulled it over and has decided .... yes. Yes. She is ready to risk everything (and it really WILL be everything as GN has no income and many many many bills to pay) and go ahead. So as Gym Ninja was typing this blog, she made the call and accepted the offer..............
Scary..........!!!!!!!
OK, so now Gym Ninja is going as her eyes have gone all big at the enormity of what she is about to do...
Gym Ninja x
Showing posts with label Fondant Fancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fondant Fancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Butter Ninja
So...a late blogging update. AGAIN!
Seriously, where does the time go now that Gym Ninja suffered the Fondant Fancy (see older blogs for what that means!)? Remarkable!
Anyhow, Gym Ninja may as well update you as to the Monday and Tuesday gym sessions, as neither one alone is able to sustain your greedy hunger. Both combined may suffice..?
Monday.
Gym Ninja was in a bit of a playful mood Monday. Having eaten a tad carb-heavy over the weekend, GN decided it was back to 'Eating clean keeps me lean' (to be chanted throughout the day). That plus bionic level workouts should sort any carb hangover out good and proper (as the saying goes).
Most of the day was spent writing up a fitness and nutrition plan for a new online client based over in America. It's really time consuming as every person and their requirements are different, so not only does Gym Ninja have to ensure that the programme will help them reach their goals, but also needs to take into account any available equipment, preferences, time restraints etc. Once that was done, it was time to hit the gym.
Now for some reason, Gym Ninja had an attack of the 'smirks' whilst driving. As she pulled into the car park, something amusing fluttered through her mind, causing her to break out into a big grin...exactly as she passed a rather alarmed looking guy. PAH!
Now Gym Ninja looks simple!
However, now Gym Ninja found this to be amusing too, got out of the car, walked towards the main doors (still grinning like a looney) and BAM!
Spotted by another person.
PAH!
Gym Ninja will surely be branded as one of those weirdos who walk along smiling 'out loud' to themselves....Best snap out of it and go into 'Workout Lockdown' mode ....
Gym Ninja's run was effortless today. Probably due to the excess of carbs over the weekend that would ensure the muscles were full of glycogen to fuel the run, but mostly due to the excess of buff arms sported by equally buff men at the gym. It makes for a very scenic treadmill workout. ;-)
Once the rather 'scenic' run was complete, and as the gym was busy, Gym Ninja decided it would be foolhardy to linger in the main gym simply because of the arm candy, so headed to the safety of the ladies only gym.
Once in there, Gym Ninja selected the weights required and set up camp at the corner of the room. In the corner of her eye, Gym Ninja noticed a Personal Trainer meandering around the room.....
Now this PT is older and Gym Ninja has noticed does tend to be one of the few who target the women only area (clever guy)...wandering around, approaching women and offering to show them a few moves (ooer!).
Today he had a resistance tubing move and he was hand picking women to 'play with his tube!'
*Insert your own Frankie Howard/Benny Hill/Sid James style voice here*
As Gym Ninja attempted to work her legs, she could not help but watch as the PT became VERY hands on. Now being hands on is often essential to guide a client into the correct position or to help them get the mind/body connection. You ask the client if they are OK with it? They then say yay or nay.
However this guy was ALL Over the women. Touching ALL the time. Not in any dodgy areas, but all the same, excessively. It really started to unnerve Gym Ninja. Made her feel all uncomfortable. At one point he got so hands on that Gym Ninja feared the client was one hand-span away from becoming a Glove Puppet.....!
In the end, it was no good. GN would have to cut her workout short and leave the room. It was like an Open Day for Midwifery in there.......
Tuesday
Ahh, Tuesday my old friend. It seems like SO long ago.
Well Tuesday brought a big fat job interview. Yep.
OK so less 'interview' and more 'informal discussion' regarding another location where Gym Ninja could potentially work out of as a PT. Of course fees always need to be paid, so Gym Ninja was interested to hear what the guy had to say.
Pimp Gym Ninja out Mr!
As this was a non-active interview Gym Ninja was unsure as to what 'theme' she should be? No point rocking up in fitness gear now was there? Plus the location (luxury waterfront hotel) meant that she'd probably not get past the door if she did. Hmm.
Of course, the whole 'suited and booted' option was too OTT as well. So..what to wear?
In the end Gym Ninja decided to go as a 'girl'. Black knee length dress, black peep-toe heels and a cute belted trench coat. Now Gym Ninja felt a little like a French Spy!
Spy Ninja!
On route, however, Gym Ninja found herself to be incredibly distracted by a trailer trash style denim bikini, on sale for a rather bargainous £12. It'd seem rude to pass up on that eh? Yes, only Gym Ninja can buy an unnecessary bikini on route to a job interview....
The bikini bought, Gym aka Spy Ninja, then stood by the Shopping Mall lifts to check on her mobile emails. Oooh an email! Excellent! Best reply to it straight away.
"Excuse me. Does this lift take you down to the carpark love?" Asked a woman with a pram.
Spy Ninja looked up.
"I've no clue, sorry" Before continuing with her email.
"Do you know if it goes to the store level then?" Continued the woman.
"Only I need the car park you see"
OMG!
Spy Ninja stopped emailing and looked at the woman.
*Deep Breath*
"To be honest, I have NO clue where the lift goes, as I am in no way related or linked to the lifts in any way, shape or form, so unfortunately I cannot be of any assistance".
AHHHR! People!
Spy Ninja made her way to the venue, slid into the hotel lobby and ordered a cup of tea.
"I'll bring it over" Said the man at the bar, so Spy Ninja took a seat in the lobby to wait for the tea, and the Gym Pimp to arrive.
2 minutes later Spy Ninja had a teapot, cup and saucer and a rack of egg timers in front of her...
Apparently when the black sand ran out that meant that the loose tea had steeped long enough in the pot and her cuppa was ready.
Wow!
Spy Ninja's first thought..
"OMG how impressive?"
Spy Ninja's second thought..
'I'm SO not gonna be able to afford to pay for this...!"
As Spy Ninja sipped her billion pound cup of tea that was only just lukewarm, she spotted a figure in the distance that appeared to be the Gym Pimp. What to do?
A) Go over and risk looking as if GN was doing a runner from the billion pound cuppa?
B) Stay seated and miss out on a job interview.
A or B?
A or B?
Decisions....
Ah well. Who needs an interview?
Luckily Gym Pimp came over and introduced himself, and a rather interesting discussion commenced which has now resulted in a follow up practical session next week. Stay tuned........ Oh and in case you are wondering, Gym Pimp offered Spy Ninja a second cuppa (this time without fancy egg timer) and so when Spy Ninja departed she walked out with a 'He will pick up the tab' kind of a face.
Yep!
Did a runner!!!!
Later that evening Gym Ninja headed to the gym. Today it would be Cross Trainer cardio, and oooh, lucky lucky Gym Ninja managed to get the Cross Trainer next to the Worlds Nosiest Woman who HAD to look and stare and turn her head around like an owl to look at every single person that walked past.
Gym Ninja was also to drop her iPhone for the first time next to Nosy Woman. The first of 7 times it was dropped during that workout! Seriously! What is WRONG with Gym Ninja? Admittedly 2 of those times happened after GN had done some Zottman Curls and Spider Curls for her biceps, but it was just utter clumsiness prior to that! Plus it had to be clumsiness as Gn also managed to loop and twang her earphones over various pieces of resistance kit 3 times.
Ahh, not much of the gym stuff in that was there? This is why Gym Ninja fills you all up on faffy interview fodder instead.
More tomorrow...as you will then get the follow up to LAST week's Gym Pimp Midget story..... ;-)
Gym Ninja x
Seriously, where does the time go now that Gym Ninja suffered the Fondant Fancy (see older blogs for what that means!)? Remarkable!
Anyhow, Gym Ninja may as well update you as to the Monday and Tuesday gym sessions, as neither one alone is able to sustain your greedy hunger. Both combined may suffice..?
Monday.
Gym Ninja was in a bit of a playful mood Monday. Having eaten a tad carb-heavy over the weekend, GN decided it was back to 'Eating clean keeps me lean' (to be chanted throughout the day). That plus bionic level workouts should sort any carb hangover out good and proper (as the saying goes).
Most of the day was spent writing up a fitness and nutrition plan for a new online client based over in America. It's really time consuming as every person and their requirements are different, so not only does Gym Ninja have to ensure that the programme will help them reach their goals, but also needs to take into account any available equipment, preferences, time restraints etc. Once that was done, it was time to hit the gym.
Now for some reason, Gym Ninja had an attack of the 'smirks' whilst driving. As she pulled into the car park, something amusing fluttered through her mind, causing her to break out into a big grin...exactly as she passed a rather alarmed looking guy. PAH!
Now Gym Ninja looks simple!
However, now Gym Ninja found this to be amusing too, got out of the car, walked towards the main doors (still grinning like a looney) and BAM!
Spotted by another person.
PAH!
Gym Ninja will surely be branded as one of those weirdos who walk along smiling 'out loud' to themselves....Best snap out of it and go into 'Workout Lockdown' mode ....
Gym Ninja's run was effortless today. Probably due to the excess of carbs over the weekend that would ensure the muscles were full of glycogen to fuel the run, but mostly due to the excess of buff arms sported by equally buff men at the gym. It makes for a very scenic treadmill workout. ;-)
Once the rather 'scenic' run was complete, and as the gym was busy, Gym Ninja decided it would be foolhardy to linger in the main gym simply because of the arm candy, so headed to the safety of the ladies only gym.
Once in there, Gym Ninja selected the weights required and set up camp at the corner of the room. In the corner of her eye, Gym Ninja noticed a Personal Trainer meandering around the room.....
Now this PT is older and Gym Ninja has noticed does tend to be one of the few who target the women only area (clever guy)...wandering around, approaching women and offering to show them a few moves (ooer!).
Today he had a resistance tubing move and he was hand picking women to 'play with his tube!'
*Insert your own Frankie Howard/Benny Hill/Sid James style voice here*
As Gym Ninja attempted to work her legs, she could not help but watch as the PT became VERY hands on. Now being hands on is often essential to guide a client into the correct position or to help them get the mind/body connection. You ask the client if they are OK with it? They then say yay or nay.
However this guy was ALL Over the women. Touching ALL the time. Not in any dodgy areas, but all the same, excessively. It really started to unnerve Gym Ninja. Made her feel all uncomfortable. At one point he got so hands on that Gym Ninja feared the client was one hand-span away from becoming a Glove Puppet.....!
In the end, it was no good. GN would have to cut her workout short and leave the room. It was like an Open Day for Midwifery in there.......
Tuesday
Ahh, Tuesday my old friend. It seems like SO long ago.
Well Tuesday brought a big fat job interview. Yep.
OK so less 'interview' and more 'informal discussion' regarding another location where Gym Ninja could potentially work out of as a PT. Of course fees always need to be paid, so Gym Ninja was interested to hear what the guy had to say.
Pimp Gym Ninja out Mr!
As this was a non-active interview Gym Ninja was unsure as to what 'theme' she should be? No point rocking up in fitness gear now was there? Plus the location (luxury waterfront hotel) meant that she'd probably not get past the door if she did. Hmm.
Of course, the whole 'suited and booted' option was too OTT as well. So..what to wear?
In the end Gym Ninja decided to go as a 'girl'. Black knee length dress, black peep-toe heels and a cute belted trench coat. Now Gym Ninja felt a little like a French Spy!
Spy Ninja!
On route, however, Gym Ninja found herself to be incredibly distracted by a trailer trash style denim bikini, on sale for a rather bargainous £12. It'd seem rude to pass up on that eh? Yes, only Gym Ninja can buy an unnecessary bikini on route to a job interview....
The bikini bought, Gym aka Spy Ninja, then stood by the Shopping Mall lifts to check on her mobile emails. Oooh an email! Excellent! Best reply to it straight away.
"Excuse me. Does this lift take you down to the carpark love?" Asked a woman with a pram.
Spy Ninja looked up.
"I've no clue, sorry" Before continuing with her email.
"Do you know if it goes to the store level then?" Continued the woman.
"Only I need the car park you see"
OMG!
Spy Ninja stopped emailing and looked at the woman.
*Deep Breath*
"To be honest, I have NO clue where the lift goes, as I am in no way related or linked to the lifts in any way, shape or form, so unfortunately I cannot be of any assistance".
AHHHR! People!
Spy Ninja made her way to the venue, slid into the hotel lobby and ordered a cup of tea.
"I'll bring it over" Said the man at the bar, so Spy Ninja took a seat in the lobby to wait for the tea, and the Gym Pimp to arrive.
2 minutes later Spy Ninja had a teapot, cup and saucer and a rack of egg timers in front of her...
Apparently when the black sand ran out that meant that the loose tea had steeped long enough in the pot and her cuppa was ready.
Wow!
Spy Ninja's first thought..
"OMG how impressive?"
Spy Ninja's second thought..
'I'm SO not gonna be able to afford to pay for this...!"
As Spy Ninja sipped her billion pound cup of tea that was only just lukewarm, she spotted a figure in the distance that appeared to be the Gym Pimp. What to do?
A) Go over and risk looking as if GN was doing a runner from the billion pound cuppa?
B) Stay seated and miss out on a job interview.
A or B?
A or B?
Decisions....
Ah well. Who needs an interview?
Luckily Gym Pimp came over and introduced himself, and a rather interesting discussion commenced which has now resulted in a follow up practical session next week. Stay tuned........ Oh and in case you are wondering, Gym Pimp offered Spy Ninja a second cuppa (this time without fancy egg timer) and so when Spy Ninja departed she walked out with a 'He will pick up the tab' kind of a face.
Yep!
Did a runner!!!!
Later that evening Gym Ninja headed to the gym. Today it would be Cross Trainer cardio, and oooh, lucky lucky Gym Ninja managed to get the Cross Trainer next to the Worlds Nosiest Woman who HAD to look and stare and turn her head around like an owl to look at every single person that walked past.
Gym Ninja was also to drop her iPhone for the first time next to Nosy Woman. The first of 7 times it was dropped during that workout! Seriously! What is WRONG with Gym Ninja? Admittedly 2 of those times happened after GN had done some Zottman Curls and Spider Curls for her biceps, but it was just utter clumsiness prior to that! Plus it had to be clumsiness as Gn also managed to loop and twang her earphones over various pieces of resistance kit 3 times.
Ahh, not much of the gym stuff in that was there? This is why Gym Ninja fills you all up on faffy interview fodder instead.
More tomorrow...as you will then get the follow up to LAST week's Gym Pimp Midget story..... ;-)
Gym Ninja x
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
The Nasty Place
Welcome back Ninjarettes!
Allow Gym Ninja to regale you with yesterdays ordeal of the Nasty Place (aka the Job Centre). If ever there is a warning to people to stay employed then it is this blog post......
Gym Ninja isn't sure if any of her readers frequent or have frequented the Nasty Place? Gym Ninja had to last year when she was made redundant with only a week's notice. Yep-Gym Ninja isn't so lucky with the old job malarkey! Anyhow, due to the sudden Fondant Fancy incident last week (OMG has it only been a week since GN was fired?), Gym Ninja's first 'Signing On' day was Tuesday (yesterday). This is, despite the fact that the Nasty Place have yet to process her application nor decide whether she can claim. But hell, let's ask Gym Ninja to come in and feel degraded anyhow eh?
Gym Ninja had been busy in the morning sending off her CV to some places, and finishing off some research for future 'fitness ventures'. It sounds terribly exciting doesn't it? 'Fitness ventures'...hmm......anyway, that and fielding some barbed comments/nice comments/plain nasty comments/gushingly positive comments about her photos again. So, just after lunch GN popped to visit her 2 year old Niece before having to report for Humiliation at The Nasty Place. Gym Ninja's niece was busy playing with a box set of 10 mini Nails Inc nail polishes that Gym Ninja had left at the house. By playing GN meant her niece was lining them up, and assigning various coloured polishes to people in the family. Gym Ninja was apparently the purply violet nail polish (on the far right of the photo in the link) in case you were wondering.......?
"Have you got a job yet?" Asked the Ninja Niece.
"Er, no not yet Dumpling" Answered Gym Ninja.
"Didn't you ask the zoo if you could look after the baby elephants?" Enquired Ninja Niece.
"No.." Said Gym Ninja, feeling a bit bad for not doing what her 2 year old niece had suggested..... Funny how everyone wants to help you find a job eh? Gym Ninja made a mental note to enquire about elephant jobs at the Nasty Place later...
The Nasty Place.
T'was 3pm when Gym Ninja scurried through the doors of the Nasty Place, her eyes darting around to ensure nobody who knew her had seen her come into such an icky place.
"You were here the other day weren't you?" Boomed the Security Guy on the door.
Yeh..a 'Security guy'. Rough as Fooook here!
"Head upstairs and sign on!"
Great. Keep the noise down why doncha? There must be a road 5 miles away that didn't hear you announce Gym Ninja's arrival...pah!
Gym Ninja sloped upstairs and was told to take a seat. GN looked at the gaggle of stained seats filled to capacity with scallied up chavs and decided to sit far far away near the exit on a chair. Pah!
5 minutes later and Gym Ninja heard her name being shouted out.
SHUT UP!
STOP letting everyone know Gym Ninja is here! FFS!
Gym NInja stood up and headed to the desks to locate the person who had summonsed her....
Oh. PHEW!
T'was only the one decent person who worked at the Nasty Place that GN remembered from last time. An older guy. Used to be a Lawyer and who always seemed as traumatised as GN was to be in the Nasty Place even though he worked there!
"Ahh, I remember you!" Said Gym Ninja as she approached the desk.
Lawyer (as we shall call him seeing as he used to be one) looked somewhat concerned.
"Oh, I don't like the sound of that! Is that good or bad?" He answered, smiling,
So thus followed a very 'untraumatising' signing on session to be fair. Gym Ninja explained to the Lawyer what had happened to her regarding losing her job..
"Ah yes" He said nodding his head wisely.."You see because you'd asked to see an Occupational Therapist about your car and driving pain, they'd probably decided you would cost them in sick pay so they fired you before it happened!"
'I'll try and make this as painless as possible for you" He said.
Awww, see? What a NICE man!
He then regaled GN with his own story. He'd been a hot-shot lawyer with 2 houses, fast cars, a girlfriend younger than him (hmm, perhaps only other men are impressed by this??) etc etc, and then within 3 weeks it had all gone as his business partner had stitched him up and syphoned all their money!
"Do you drink?" He asked.
Gym Ninja shook her head.
"Good. Best not to. Some people turn to drink in times like this....I did. I even lost my hair because of the shock of it all. Dark times.." He stared off into the middle distance.....
Once he saw Gym Ninja planned on fitness as her next move he perked up.
"Good! People these days are just SLOBS! They sit there in front of the TV eating and drinking and then wonder why they look the way they do!" He said, his eyes flicking towards a large man sat at the next desk.
Cor blimey! Who'd have thought GN would stumble upon a fitness fan here at the Nasty Place eh?
Turned out Lawyers son is a fitness freak. he works as a Stunt man in Hollywood (wow!) and was working as a stunt man on the Spiderman films. He's also a Free Runner and can do a backwards flip from standing without using his arms for momentum. He's also a Free Runner and can get half way up a wall without falling off it.
See? The Nasty Place CAN be interesting after all! Gym Ninja liked the sound of the son.....mmmmmm, 6 foot 2 you say?
So after the ordeal, GN headed to the gym for an Upper Body workout. Her mood had started to slip (despite the best efforts of Lawyer to cheer her up, GN was still in the predicament of having no job & it is a tad scary!).
AHHHR!
Turn the AIRCON ON!
It must be about 3 years since the gym actually switched the Air Con on to such a level that it felt cold. At most, they have it so it just takes the edge of sweltering into 'stuffily uncomfortable' and it wasn't even at that level today. Grrr. NOT helping the cranky mood! Plus, GN had fastened her sports bra too tight & it was slowly crushing her chest (if that is indeed possible, which in fairness probably isn't...).
Gym Ninja headed to the A Frame to grab a set of 10kg dumbbells and as she did so, peered out of the window that overlooks the pool area.
WHY?
Why does GN never learn? It is NEVER good to view people in the Hydropool aka giant jacuzzi aka 'germ swapping bath'. Gym Ninja looked down at the exact moment a large furry man (these hairy guys sure do love communal bathing don't they?) decided to spin around with a herrrruge smile on his face as the bubbles of the hydropool jets (at least that's what GN is HOPING they were caused by) gushed around him. The bubbles hid any clothing on him and made him appear naked, but for the mass of yeti body hair.
Bleurrh. Naked yeti in the hydropool! Time to finish off this workout and leave!!!!!!!
Be sure to tune in tomorrow folks, when Gym Ninja regales you with her Farmer Ninja story, plus maybe a few motivational fitness comments here and there!
Toodle pip!
Gym Ninja x
Allow Gym Ninja to regale you with yesterdays ordeal of the Nasty Place (aka the Job Centre). If ever there is a warning to people to stay employed then it is this blog post......
Gym Ninja isn't sure if any of her readers frequent or have frequented the Nasty Place? Gym Ninja had to last year when she was made redundant with only a week's notice. Yep-Gym Ninja isn't so lucky with the old job malarkey! Anyhow, due to the sudden Fondant Fancy incident last week (OMG has it only been a week since GN was fired?), Gym Ninja's first 'Signing On' day was Tuesday (yesterday). This is, despite the fact that the Nasty Place have yet to process her application nor decide whether she can claim. But hell, let's ask Gym Ninja to come in and feel degraded anyhow eh?
Gym Ninja had been busy in the morning sending off her CV to some places, and finishing off some research for future 'fitness ventures'. It sounds terribly exciting doesn't it? 'Fitness ventures'...hmm......anyway, that and fielding some barbed comments/nice comments/plain nasty comments/gushingly positive comments about her photos again. So, just after lunch GN popped to visit her 2 year old Niece before having to report for Humiliation at The Nasty Place. Gym Ninja's niece was busy playing with a box set of 10 mini Nails Inc nail polishes that Gym Ninja had left at the house. By playing GN meant her niece was lining them up, and assigning various coloured polishes to people in the family. Gym Ninja was apparently the purply violet nail polish (on the far right of the photo in the link) in case you were wondering.......?
"Have you got a job yet?" Asked the Ninja Niece.
"Er, no not yet Dumpling" Answered Gym Ninja.
"Didn't you ask the zoo if you could look after the baby elephants?" Enquired Ninja Niece.
"No.." Said Gym Ninja, feeling a bit bad for not doing what her 2 year old niece had suggested..... Funny how everyone wants to help you find a job eh? Gym Ninja made a mental note to enquire about elephant jobs at the Nasty Place later...
The Nasty Place.
T'was 3pm when Gym Ninja scurried through the doors of the Nasty Place, her eyes darting around to ensure nobody who knew her had seen her come into such an icky place.
"You were here the other day weren't you?" Boomed the Security Guy on the door.
Yeh..a 'Security guy'. Rough as Fooook here!
"Head upstairs and sign on!"
Great. Keep the noise down why doncha? There must be a road 5 miles away that didn't hear you announce Gym Ninja's arrival...pah!
Gym Ninja sloped upstairs and was told to take a seat. GN looked at the gaggle of stained seats filled to capacity with scallied up chavs and decided to sit far far away near the exit on a chair. Pah!
5 minutes later and Gym Ninja heard her name being shouted out.
SHUT UP!
STOP letting everyone know Gym Ninja is here! FFS!
Gym NInja stood up and headed to the desks to locate the person who had summonsed her....
Oh. PHEW!
T'was only the one decent person who worked at the Nasty Place that GN remembered from last time. An older guy. Used to be a Lawyer and who always seemed as traumatised as GN was to be in the Nasty Place even though he worked there!
"Ahh, I remember you!" Said Gym Ninja as she approached the desk.
Lawyer (as we shall call him seeing as he used to be one) looked somewhat concerned.
"Oh, I don't like the sound of that! Is that good or bad?" He answered, smiling,
So thus followed a very 'untraumatising' signing on session to be fair. Gym Ninja explained to the Lawyer what had happened to her regarding losing her job..
"Ah yes" He said nodding his head wisely.."You see because you'd asked to see an Occupational Therapist about your car and driving pain, they'd probably decided you would cost them in sick pay so they fired you before it happened!"
'I'll try and make this as painless as possible for you" He said.
Awww, see? What a NICE man!
He then regaled GN with his own story. He'd been a hot-shot lawyer with 2 houses, fast cars, a girlfriend younger than him (hmm, perhaps only other men are impressed by this??) etc etc, and then within 3 weeks it had all gone as his business partner had stitched him up and syphoned all their money!
"Do you drink?" He asked.
Gym Ninja shook her head.
"Good. Best not to. Some people turn to drink in times like this....I did. I even lost my hair because of the shock of it all. Dark times.." He stared off into the middle distance.....
Once he saw Gym Ninja planned on fitness as her next move he perked up.
"Good! People these days are just SLOBS! They sit there in front of the TV eating and drinking and then wonder why they look the way they do!" He said, his eyes flicking towards a large man sat at the next desk.
Cor blimey! Who'd have thought GN would stumble upon a fitness fan here at the Nasty Place eh?
Turned out Lawyers son is a fitness freak. he works as a Stunt man in Hollywood (wow!) and was working as a stunt man on the Spiderman films. He's also a Free Runner and can do a backwards flip from standing without using his arms for momentum. He's also a Free Runner and can get half way up a wall without falling off it.
See? The Nasty Place CAN be interesting after all! Gym Ninja liked the sound of the son.....mmmmmm, 6 foot 2 you say?
So after the ordeal, GN headed to the gym for an Upper Body workout. Her mood had started to slip (despite the best efforts of Lawyer to cheer her up, GN was still in the predicament of having no job & it is a tad scary!).
AHHHR!
Turn the AIRCON ON!
It must be about 3 years since the gym actually switched the Air Con on to such a level that it felt cold. At most, they have it so it just takes the edge of sweltering into 'stuffily uncomfortable' and it wasn't even at that level today. Grrr. NOT helping the cranky mood! Plus, GN had fastened her sports bra too tight & it was slowly crushing her chest (if that is indeed possible, which in fairness probably isn't...).
Gym Ninja headed to the A Frame to grab a set of 10kg dumbbells and as she did so, peered out of the window that overlooks the pool area.
WHY?
Why does GN never learn? It is NEVER good to view people in the Hydropool aka giant jacuzzi aka 'germ swapping bath'. Gym Ninja looked down at the exact moment a large furry man (these hairy guys sure do love communal bathing don't they?) decided to spin around with a herrrruge smile on his face as the bubbles of the hydropool jets (at least that's what GN is HOPING they were caused by) gushed around him. The bubbles hid any clothing on him and made him appear naked, but for the mass of yeti body hair.
Bleurrh. Naked yeti in the hydropool! Time to finish off this workout and leave!!!!!!!
Be sure to tune in tomorrow folks, when Gym Ninja regales you with her Farmer Ninja story, plus maybe a few motivational fitness comments here and there!
Toodle pip!
Gym Ninja x
Sunday, 16 May 2010
Double whammy
OK, so please DO bear with Gym Ninja for missing yet another blog post. It is terribly frantic being Fondant Fancied & GN seems to have difficulty finding the time to get anything done lately.
Anyhow, GN is here now, so settle down and have a catch up.
HANG ON..........
That's not a biscuit in your hand is it? Hmmm.....OK so where were we?
Saturday.
Saturday appeared *ping* as if out of nowhere. No Saturday Slaughter Session for Gym Ninja as she is currently on her 5 day break from the gym (periodization technique) and also, the Fab Instructor for Spin is on holiday. No point really is there? Plus, GN had promised her now 'ex-work colleague' that she'd stand in as the willing victim/client as she did her Practical Gym Instructors Exam.
So after much faffing and a spot of online job mooching, Gym Ninja got in the Ninjamobile and headed out on the road..an hour's drive to reach the location of her friend's exam. Once there and chatting to her friend, her friend's tutor came over to say hi. The tutor had been Gym Ninja's examiner one time too.
"Hey, how's it going?" Asked the Tutor smiling at Gym Ninja, before looking back and forth between GN and her mate, before the penny dropped.
"Oh...oh I see, are you her client for the exam? Great stuff!"
*cheesy grin*
"So how are things?"
GN then proceeded to explain about the Fondant Fancy situation and then finished with...
"So I guess I am needing to sort out my own PT Business fast!!!"
Tutor rubbed his hands together.
"Nowt like being thrown in at the deep end!" He said, before walking off...
Half an hour later GN's friend's examiner walked over, then did the same 'penny dropping' calculation as the Tutor had done. It was only the examiner who had taken Gym Ninja's final big Personal Trainer Practical Assessment. You remember, the one, who crammed half an Easter Egg in his mouth during Gym Ninja's demo of the PIR hamstring stretch?
He also asked how Gym Ninja was doing, so GN again mentioned the Fondant Fancy situation..
"Great stuff! That's fantastic!" He beamed.
Er.....no...no it isn't really is it?
"So...got your chocolate stash today?" Asked Gym Ninja, raising her eyebrow.
The Examiner looked sheepish..."Er, no I haven't...but I do have one of THESE! They are AMAZING!"
With that, he held up a large Smoothie. FULL of sugar, the Examiner's eyes were wide as saucers which is kind of what gave the sugar rush away somewhat...
And so began Gym Ninja's Friend's exam...
Now it is kind of tough being the one being coached when usually it is Gym Ninja who gets to boss the person around. It is also very difficult to play 'inexperienced' person in a gym as instinct takes over & GN found herself on a few occasions helping her Friend tidy up the free weight area and reminding her of things she may have forgotten. Ooops! Also, there was a big problem...
The Gym People!
Yep-like some sort of comedy Gym show, every 'stereotype' of MALE Gym Person was in there that day. Gym Ninja spotted the following:
Barrel Boy
The hulking guy carrying two invisible barrels under each arm.
The Cube
As broad as he's long, a very stocky cube-shaped man
Cotton Legs
Huge upper body, cotton strands for legs...
Zoolander
Need Gym Ninja say more? Work it baby!
Gangsta!
Ridges across the face where a blade cut him, & draped in gold chains
Roid Rager
Juiced to the max courtesy of steroids.
Hardgainer
Breathe on him and he'd fall over he's so skinny
Chubba
Herrruge and chubby
Soggy Man
Sweat streaming off him like a tsunami.
Phew! SO many distractions.
GN's friend started off by demo-ing the Squat. Then GN had to do the squat. Now, if GN remembers correctly, the examiner does enjoy watching leg work? It seemed whenever GN did the exam or was the client for a colleague, that this particular guy really did like to watch the leg work! Yep....3 sets were asked for...grrr. Stop it! GN is feeling lazy today! They moved on and did some other exercisesm Gym Ninja trying to stop her eyes from wandering to see what the other Gym Folk were doing...
Chubba was on the next machine whilst GN's friend was trying to demo the cable Biceps Curl to her. Chubba was using the Pec Deck as a seat whilst on his mobile in a Don Jolie kind of a 'HELLO????????' way.....shhh Chubba! You're very distracting!
But Gym Ninja was soon snapped back into the moment when she suddenly heard her friend say...
"So the Biceps Cable curl works these muscles here...which gives you bilging bullceps..."
WHAT?
BILGING BULLCEPS?
What are bullceps? Why do they 'bilge'? Oh wait!
"Er......pssst. You said 'bilging bullceps', instead of bulging biceps!!!!" Whispered Gym Ninja to her friend so that the examiner wouldn't hear.
That was it! Both GN and her friend collapsed into giggles, made all the worse by the seriousness of the exam situation...
During the Lateral Dumbbell Raise, GN had a devil of a job focussing, as in front of them both was a very Bendy Wendy on the mats. Bendy Wendy was doing the splits in a form of advanced (!) stretching technique. Over and over and over again...splits from the front, splits from the side, splits every which way. STOP with the freaky bendiness!
Gym Ninja closed her eyes whilst performing the exercise.
"Er, what are you doing?" Asked her Friend.
"I can't look. Bendy Wendy is putting me off! It's like a freak show in here today" Explained Gym Ninja, her eyes screwed shut.
"Yeh, I think we ALL now know she can do the splits eh?" replied her Friend....then trod on GN's foot so she'd open her eyes again. Spoilsport!
Then Gym Ninja was made to get on the Lying Hamstring Curl machine. Great. Arse in the air time! The Friend made a big deal of adjusting the foot pad. Gym Ninja has very short legs and a long body yet is slightly taller than her friend. However her friend couldn't understand why the pad needed shortening so much..
"But you're taller than I am!" She said, looking puzzled as she wrestled with the pad.
"Yeh I know, but as I've explained, I have a long body and shorter legs" Hissed Gym Ninja, feeling a bit like one of the freaky gym folk herself by now.
"OMG how short must your legs be? Seriously? You need it THIS short? OMG I never knew. Short legs...hahahahaha, teeny short legs.." Laughed the Friend.
OK!!!!!!!!!
WE GET IT!
Gy NInja has short legs. Get OVER it already! *tisk*
Of course, being a leg exercise, the Examiner made GN do a billion sets of reps. Grrr again!
Then poor GN had to muster up the energy to do some cardio. Bugger! GN had forgotten about that!
*Moan moan moan moan moan moan moan*, went GN, huffing and puffing her way through a run, until the Examiner must have gotten fed up of the moaning and cut the session short. Stretches were done and that was that!
He then hot footed it back to the room to pick up his Smoothie, sucking it dry!
"Hmm, I wonder if I've any chocolate in here?'" He muttered as GN and her friend finished up and left.
SO..good news! Gym Ninja's friend passed! YAY! Thank GOD for that! Make's a Ninja's BULLCEPS BILGE that does.... ;-)
Now tune in tomorrow (promise!) as Gym Ninja will be doing a non-gym blog again about today's (Sunday's) activities....a CAR BOOT SALE! EEEEK!
Gym Ninja x
Anyhow, GN is here now, so settle down and have a catch up.
HANG ON..........
That's not a biscuit in your hand is it? Hmmm.....OK so where were we?
Saturday.
Saturday appeared *ping* as if out of nowhere. No Saturday Slaughter Session for Gym Ninja as she is currently on her 5 day break from the gym (periodization technique) and also, the Fab Instructor for Spin is on holiday. No point really is there? Plus, GN had promised her now 'ex-work colleague' that she'd stand in as the willing victim/client as she did her Practical Gym Instructors Exam.
So after much faffing and a spot of online job mooching, Gym Ninja got in the Ninjamobile and headed out on the road..an hour's drive to reach the location of her friend's exam. Once there and chatting to her friend, her friend's tutor came over to say hi. The tutor had been Gym Ninja's examiner one time too.
"Hey, how's it going?" Asked the Tutor smiling at Gym Ninja, before looking back and forth between GN and her mate, before the penny dropped.
"Oh...oh I see, are you her client for the exam? Great stuff!"
*cheesy grin*
"So how are things?"
GN then proceeded to explain about the Fondant Fancy situation and then finished with...
"So I guess I am needing to sort out my own PT Business fast!!!"
Tutor rubbed his hands together.
"Nowt like being thrown in at the deep end!" He said, before walking off...
Half an hour later GN's friend's examiner walked over, then did the same 'penny dropping' calculation as the Tutor had done. It was only the examiner who had taken Gym Ninja's final big Personal Trainer Practical Assessment. You remember, the one, who crammed half an Easter Egg in his mouth during Gym Ninja's demo of the PIR hamstring stretch?
He also asked how Gym Ninja was doing, so GN again mentioned the Fondant Fancy situation..
"Great stuff! That's fantastic!" He beamed.
Er.....no...no it isn't really is it?
"So...got your chocolate stash today?" Asked Gym Ninja, raising her eyebrow.
The Examiner looked sheepish..."Er, no I haven't...but I do have one of THESE! They are AMAZING!"
With that, he held up a large Smoothie. FULL of sugar, the Examiner's eyes were wide as saucers which is kind of what gave the sugar rush away somewhat...
And so began Gym Ninja's Friend's exam...
Now it is kind of tough being the one being coached when usually it is Gym Ninja who gets to boss the person around. It is also very difficult to play 'inexperienced' person in a gym as instinct takes over & GN found herself on a few occasions helping her Friend tidy up the free weight area and reminding her of things she may have forgotten. Ooops! Also, there was a big problem...
The Gym People!
Yep-like some sort of comedy Gym show, every 'stereotype' of MALE Gym Person was in there that day. Gym Ninja spotted the following:
Barrel Boy
The hulking guy carrying two invisible barrels under each arm.
The Cube
As broad as he's long, a very stocky cube-shaped man
Cotton Legs
Huge upper body, cotton strands for legs...
Zoolander
Need Gym Ninja say more? Work it baby!
Gangsta!
Ridges across the face where a blade cut him, & draped in gold chains
Roid Rager
Juiced to the max courtesy of steroids.
Hardgainer
Breathe on him and he'd fall over he's so skinny
Chubba
Herrruge and chubby
Soggy Man
Sweat streaming off him like a tsunami.
Phew! SO many distractions.
GN's friend started off by demo-ing the Squat. Then GN had to do the squat. Now, if GN remembers correctly, the examiner does enjoy watching leg work? It seemed whenever GN did the exam or was the client for a colleague, that this particular guy really did like to watch the leg work! Yep....3 sets were asked for...grrr. Stop it! GN is feeling lazy today! They moved on and did some other exercisesm Gym Ninja trying to stop her eyes from wandering to see what the other Gym Folk were doing...
Chubba was on the next machine whilst GN's friend was trying to demo the cable Biceps Curl to her. Chubba was using the Pec Deck as a seat whilst on his mobile in a Don Jolie kind of a 'HELLO????????' way.....shhh Chubba! You're very distracting!
But Gym Ninja was soon snapped back into the moment when she suddenly heard her friend say...
"So the Biceps Cable curl works these muscles here...which gives you bilging bullceps..."
WHAT?
BILGING BULLCEPS?
What are bullceps? Why do they 'bilge'? Oh wait!
"Er......pssst. You said 'bilging bullceps', instead of bulging biceps!!!!" Whispered Gym Ninja to her friend so that the examiner wouldn't hear.
That was it! Both GN and her friend collapsed into giggles, made all the worse by the seriousness of the exam situation...
During the Lateral Dumbbell Raise, GN had a devil of a job focussing, as in front of them both was a very Bendy Wendy on the mats. Bendy Wendy was doing the splits in a form of advanced (!) stretching technique. Over and over and over again...splits from the front, splits from the side, splits every which way. STOP with the freaky bendiness!
Gym Ninja closed her eyes whilst performing the exercise.
"Er, what are you doing?" Asked her Friend.
"I can't look. Bendy Wendy is putting me off! It's like a freak show in here today" Explained Gym Ninja, her eyes screwed shut.
"Yeh, I think we ALL now know she can do the splits eh?" replied her Friend....then trod on GN's foot so she'd open her eyes again. Spoilsport!
Then Gym Ninja was made to get on the Lying Hamstring Curl machine. Great. Arse in the air time! The Friend made a big deal of adjusting the foot pad. Gym Ninja has very short legs and a long body yet is slightly taller than her friend. However her friend couldn't understand why the pad needed shortening so much..
"But you're taller than I am!" She said, looking puzzled as she wrestled with the pad.
"Yeh I know, but as I've explained, I have a long body and shorter legs" Hissed Gym Ninja, feeling a bit like one of the freaky gym folk herself by now.
"OMG how short must your legs be? Seriously? You need it THIS short? OMG I never knew. Short legs...hahahahaha, teeny short legs.." Laughed the Friend.
OK!!!!!!!!!
WE GET IT!
Gy NInja has short legs. Get OVER it already! *tisk*
Of course, being a leg exercise, the Examiner made GN do a billion sets of reps. Grrr again!
Then poor GN had to muster up the energy to do some cardio. Bugger! GN had forgotten about that!
*Moan moan moan moan moan moan moan*, went GN, huffing and puffing her way through a run, until the Examiner must have gotten fed up of the moaning and cut the session short. Stretches were done and that was that!
He then hot footed it back to the room to pick up his Smoothie, sucking it dry!
"Hmm, I wonder if I've any chocolate in here?'" He muttered as GN and her friend finished up and left.
SO..good news! Gym Ninja's friend passed! YAY! Thank GOD for that! Make's a Ninja's BULLCEPS BILGE that does.... ;-)
Now tune in tomorrow (promise!) as Gym Ninja will be doing a non-gym blog again about today's (Sunday's) activities....a CAR BOOT SALE! EEEEK!
Gym Ninja x
Friday, 14 May 2010
Bionic Army
Gym Ninja survived!!!!!!!!!!!
Gym Ninja survived the humiliating experience of the Job Centre! YAY!
Today started off OK..... There was plenty of time to organise the herruge list of paperwork requested by the Job Centre people to take to the Job Centre appointment at 10.40am (eg bank details, passport, mortgage info, job letter, brass rubbing done of a local Roman coin in wax crayon, Faux Treasure Map dipped in cold tea for an authentic aged look...). SO Gym Ninja was sat at the computer, faffing with emails, removing the chipped nail polish ready to repaint, when there was a knock at the door.
*Gym Ninja Opens Door*
"Hello..." Says a young man, his face trying not to register surprise at GN's fluffy hot pink dressing gown.
Uh oh!
Jehovah Witness Alert!
Now GN has no problem with another person's faith, but what she DOES Have a problem with is when they come a-knocking and try to convert Gym Ninja from her faith. Thus followed a...
"Hello, you're a Jehovah wanting to convert me from my faith to yours aren't you? Asked Gym Ninja.
"Yet I myself am a very religious person and have a strong faith of my own, so as I would in no way DREAM of trying to convert you to Christianity, I would imagine you also have the same level of respect for my faith eh?"
To be fair, he had nowhere to go logically, so nodded and walked off. Gym Ninja closed the door and...
BAM!
10.30am
WHAAAAAAAT? How did that happen? GN isn't even dressed! She hasn't even painted her NAILS! EEEEK!
So GN made it to the Horrid Place by the skin of her teeth ... only to be kept waiting 15 minutes until an 'Advisor' would see her.
Thus followed an explanation of the recent events... or... the 'Fondant Fancy' as the code now is. If you have no clue what The Fondant Fancy is, do GN a favour and go back and read yesterday's blog. It's a way that GN has of taking the panic out of the situation, ahem.
Gym Ninja explained her recent events and then got to the bit about the Fondant Fancy and then paused, allowing the Advisor to react accordingly...
*tumbleweed*
What IS it with these people? Fist the Dr doesn't bat an eyelid, then neither does the Advisor. Maybe being Fondant Fancied is commonplace nowadays? Turns out that the impending MRI scan and physio may make GN unable to claim Job Seekers Humiliation Allowance...grrr.
The GN was told to go and sit with the other people (!) on the dirty stained seats and await someone to call her name, thus advertising to all that she was now jobless and bleeding the State Dry. Nice. GN looked down at her hands and her nail polish-free nails. God, how her own standards have slipped already! NO nail polish *sob*
Eventually GN was seen by a woman who appeared to have immense difficulty using her computer, and spent ages patronising GN about how best to seek work. When GN told her that she wanted to work in Fitness in the local area, the woman frowned..
"I think you may need to broaden to a wider area as there isn't much call for fitness here". She said, a stern look in her eye.
Gym Ninja refrained from rolling her own eyes. Look AROUND lady. The streets are littered with people who can benefit from fitness and have a need to be nudged in the right direction. Fitness isn't the sole property of uber fit folk who gallop everywhere in Adidas 3-stripe retro tracksuits, chewing on a celery stick. There is a very simple check-list to see if you qualify for fitness advice and guidance...
1. Do you have a body?
If you answered YES To this question then congratulations! You fit the bill!
Gym Ninja asked about start-up help to form her own business. The Lady appeared puzzled...walked off and came back with a leaflet. The local Business centre that GN had already approached. Obviously the Government don't offer anything additional. The Lady also thrust a load of leaflets at GN.
"These are to give to prospective employers" She explained.
"They offer you as a 'free trial' allowing the employer to let you work for them for free to see what you are like".
Gym Ninja raised an eyebrow. Oh gee thanks! Pimp GN out why doncha! She then finished up with a warning about missing the fortnightly grilling that GN MUST attend or her 24p a week allowance to live off will be cut! Well, heaven forbid!!!!!
So now GN is formulating a 'Plan' to work out what she can do to drum up as many clients as possible as quickly as possible. Gym Ninja wants....
A BIONIC ARMY!
YAY!
Gym Ninja is going to attempt to transform every person who comes to her for help and advice, into a Bionically fit, healthy & happy version of themselves. The Bionic Army! Gym Ninja wants to be a non-Doctor type of a Doctor. A Personal Trainer who saves lives before the people are in the ill-health stage. The Bionic Army will also be able to wear cute Bionic Army Outfits if they so wish too....see below for a shocking example of such outfits..
THIS is the actual pair of 'hot pants' worn for the GI Jane themed photo that Gym Ninja did on Wednesday. The watch is for scale so you can see how skimpy they are. It DID seem like a good idea at the time...........the Jury is, however, still out until the photos come back.....so if you were thinking of joining the Bionic Army do be aware that foolhardy clothing choices may occur at some point!!!!!! Oh and before you start procrastinating and saying there is no way you'd be wearing such a foolhardy clothing choice as you'd not get one leg into a pair of hot pants, DO PLEASE RECALL the blog post a while back about 'Chunk'...aka Gym Ninja when she was a Fat Kid.
Think about it....if you don't like your hair colour you go and dye it. You change it.
If you hate your job, you blog about it, moan about it, Facebook status about it and then BAM, Fondant Fancied and you've in a roundabout way done something about it. You changed it.
Hell, if you hate what's on TV, you switch to another channel. You changed it!
Have you spotted the Sudoku style puzzle pattern yet?
Huh?
Yep. Thought so. Gym Ninja SO knew Thickos didn't read her blog and that you are all bright!
So what are you all going to do today you little Bionic Army Recruits? You are going to CHANGE what you don't like.
If that is your eating habits and choices then change them.
If that is your body and the shape it is in, then change it.
If that is your low energy levels then change it.
Okey dokey, glad we sorted that out! No go spit on your boots, polish them up and paint your nails a shade that flatters camouflage as we'll be wearing a lot of it coz we will all look 'haaaaaawwwwt & schmokin!'
Gym Ninja x
Gym Ninja survived the humiliating experience of the Job Centre! YAY!
Today started off OK..... There was plenty of time to organise the herruge list of paperwork requested by the Job Centre people to take to the Job Centre appointment at 10.40am (eg bank details, passport, mortgage info, job letter, brass rubbing done of a local Roman coin in wax crayon, Faux Treasure Map dipped in cold tea for an authentic aged look...). SO Gym Ninja was sat at the computer, faffing with emails, removing the chipped nail polish ready to repaint, when there was a knock at the door.
*Gym Ninja Opens Door*
"Hello..." Says a young man, his face trying not to register surprise at GN's fluffy hot pink dressing gown.
Uh oh!
Jehovah Witness Alert!
Now GN has no problem with another person's faith, but what she DOES Have a problem with is when they come a-knocking and try to convert Gym Ninja from her faith. Thus followed a...
"Hello, you're a Jehovah wanting to convert me from my faith to yours aren't you? Asked Gym Ninja.
"Yet I myself am a very religious person and have a strong faith of my own, so as I would in no way DREAM of trying to convert you to Christianity, I would imagine you also have the same level of respect for my faith eh?"
To be fair, he had nowhere to go logically, so nodded and walked off. Gym Ninja closed the door and...
BAM!
10.30am
WHAAAAAAAT? How did that happen? GN isn't even dressed! She hasn't even painted her NAILS! EEEEK!
So GN made it to the Horrid Place by the skin of her teeth ... only to be kept waiting 15 minutes until an 'Advisor' would see her.
Thus followed an explanation of the recent events... or... the 'Fondant Fancy' as the code now is. If you have no clue what The Fondant Fancy is, do GN a favour and go back and read yesterday's blog. It's a way that GN has of taking the panic out of the situation, ahem.
Gym Ninja explained her recent events and then got to the bit about the Fondant Fancy and then paused, allowing the Advisor to react accordingly...
*tumbleweed*
What IS it with these people? Fist the Dr doesn't bat an eyelid, then neither does the Advisor. Maybe being Fondant Fancied is commonplace nowadays? Turns out that the impending MRI scan and physio may make GN unable to claim Job Seekers Humiliation Allowance...grrr.
The GN was told to go and sit with the other people (!) on the dirty stained seats and await someone to call her name, thus advertising to all that she was now jobless and bleeding the State Dry. Nice. GN looked down at her hands and her nail polish-free nails. God, how her own standards have slipped already! NO nail polish *sob*
Eventually GN was seen by a woman who appeared to have immense difficulty using her computer, and spent ages patronising GN about how best to seek work. When GN told her that she wanted to work in Fitness in the local area, the woman frowned..
"I think you may need to broaden to a wider area as there isn't much call for fitness here". She said, a stern look in her eye.
Gym Ninja refrained from rolling her own eyes. Look AROUND lady. The streets are littered with people who can benefit from fitness and have a need to be nudged in the right direction. Fitness isn't the sole property of uber fit folk who gallop everywhere in Adidas 3-stripe retro tracksuits, chewing on a celery stick. There is a very simple check-list to see if you qualify for fitness advice and guidance...
1. Do you have a body?
If you answered YES To this question then congratulations! You fit the bill!
Gym Ninja asked about start-up help to form her own business. The Lady appeared puzzled...walked off and came back with a leaflet. The local Business centre that GN had already approached. Obviously the Government don't offer anything additional. The Lady also thrust a load of leaflets at GN.
"These are to give to prospective employers" She explained.
"They offer you as a 'free trial' allowing the employer to let you work for them for free to see what you are like".
Gym Ninja raised an eyebrow. Oh gee thanks! Pimp GN out why doncha! She then finished up with a warning about missing the fortnightly grilling that GN MUST attend or her 24p a week allowance to live off will be cut! Well, heaven forbid!!!!!
So now GN is formulating a 'Plan' to work out what she can do to drum up as many clients as possible as quickly as possible. Gym Ninja wants....
A BIONIC ARMY!
YAY!
Gym Ninja is going to attempt to transform every person who comes to her for help and advice, into a Bionically fit, healthy & happy version of themselves. The Bionic Army! Gym Ninja wants to be a non-Doctor type of a Doctor. A Personal Trainer who saves lives before the people are in the ill-health stage. The Bionic Army will also be able to wear cute Bionic Army Outfits if they so wish too....see below for a shocking example of such outfits..
THIS is the actual pair of 'hot pants' worn for the GI Jane themed photo that Gym Ninja did on Wednesday. The watch is for scale so you can see how skimpy they are. It DID seem like a good idea at the time...........the Jury is, however, still out until the photos come back.....so if you were thinking of joining the Bionic Army do be aware that foolhardy clothing choices may occur at some point!!!!!! Oh and before you start procrastinating and saying there is no way you'd be wearing such a foolhardy clothing choice as you'd not get one leg into a pair of hot pants, DO PLEASE RECALL the blog post a while back about 'Chunk'...aka Gym Ninja when she was a Fat Kid.
Think about it....if you don't like your hair colour you go and dye it. You change it.
If you hate your job, you blog about it, moan about it, Facebook status about it and then BAM, Fondant Fancied and you've in a roundabout way done something about it. You changed it.
Hell, if you hate what's on TV, you switch to another channel. You changed it!
Have you spotted the Sudoku style puzzle pattern yet?
Huh?
Yep. Thought so. Gym Ninja SO knew Thickos didn't read her blog and that you are all bright!
So what are you all going to do today you little Bionic Army Recruits? You are going to CHANGE what you don't like.
If that is your eating habits and choices then change them.
If that is your body and the shape it is in, then change it.
If that is your low energy levels then change it.
Okey dokey, glad we sorted that out! No go spit on your boots, polish them up and paint your nails a shade that flatters camouflage as we'll be wearing a lot of it coz we will all look 'haaaaaawwwwt & schmokin!'
Gym Ninja x
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