Sunday, 29 November 2009

Boxing Ninja

Welcome back. Did anyone see you come in...?

Today, Gym Ninja regales you with her adventures up in Scotland, home of  Tartan Ninja, and location of her debut as a Boxing Ring Ninja. She'd been asked to parade around a Boxing Ring scantily clad, holding up 'Round 2' cards between bouts. Oh and yes, Gym Ninja will get paid for this!

As she needed to drive up on work regardless (well, the samurai swords don't sell themselves you know), her car was loaded with work paraphernalia plus her bag of outfits. Gym Ninja 'says' bag. What she really means is humungous suitcase of outfits. She had not yet planned the various 'themes' with her fellow Tartan Ninja who was also working the Ring that night, & had instead just been told to 'bring everything'. Who'd have thought such skimpy slithers of outfits could take up so much room in a suitcase? But then, Gym Ninja also had to pack a selection of footwear plus supplies of the food variety for the journey. Gym Ninja will NOT go catabolic merely because she is parading around catching her death you know.  Gym Ninja's selection of emergency supplies to supplement her -on route- meal of M&S Sushi (mmm) consisted of a few Promax Crisp bars, apples, Thermobol, a carton of Maxi-Milk and a secret stash of Viper Extreme Capsules should she fatigue later on that evening.  Oh, and a non-standard Ninja flask of tea. But it WAS a black flask...

With Day Job work complete following a 6 hour drive, GN sloped off to meet surreptitiously with Tartan Ninja, her partner in crime for the night. Spirited off to a secret location, GN watched Tartan Ninja drag her own huge case up to the top flat (GN is more sensible and left her bag in the car), to consult with 'Q' the woman behind the hiring.   It was here, at the secret Ninja lair, that outfits were decided upon.

Rummaging through her case, Tartan Ninja dragged out various levels of dental floss outfits. Tartan Ninja is also impervious to the cold Scottish weather, so dispensed with clothing altogether as she paraded around in various costumes so we could short-list our themes. Gym Ninja soon regretted her decision to sit cross-legged on the floor. A few upward glances spur of the moment just as Tartan Ninja bends over to pick something up off the floor meant that GN nearly saw Tartan Ninja's kidneys!

Outfits were narrowed down to 3. One outfit change per fight. 3 fights that night. Sorted. Then, to throw anyone else off the scent, Tartan Ninja, Gym Ninja and Q hurtled off in the car under the cover of darkness, to the hotel venue of the fights.....

Once settled at the venue, and after a nervous incident involving Tartan Ninja accidentally gluing shut Gym Ninjas eyes using false eyelash glue, the two Ninjas changed into their first outfits. Matching yet contrasting glittery short dresses. Frontless, backless, shameless.  The mission was about to start!  3 fights. 6 rounds for the first two, then 8 rounds for the last fight. No more than 1 minute between rounds for one of the Boxing Ninjas to clamber into the ring, stomp around with a card held aloft, before making a sharp exit before the bell.  But first...raffle tickets! Hmm, Gym Ninja did not think she would be a collector of raffle tickets!

With stealth and daring, Gym Ninja sashayed through the crowd picking up envelopes of money from the baying crowd. One wrong move from a poor crowd member and it'd be curtains for him!  GN reached a table where they were still scribbling their names onto the blank envelopes stuffed with cash. Cue harsh stare. Hurry up! GN will catch her death in this frontless backless number!

"Er, have you got a pen I could borrow luv?" Asked a particularly bold man.
Gym Ninja stared at the simple man. She then looked up and down her own outfit. No room for kidneys, lungs or pancreas in this dress, and certainly no extra fabric for pockets. With a theatrical flourish, she gestured at her own shrink-wrapped body and said..

"Where exactly would I be concealing a pen..?"

That cut the conversation dead.

Once tickets were in, the music started and the boxers could be seen prancing about, warming up with shadow boxing and last minute tactical planning. Gym Ninja felt her heart sink.
Yes *sigh*, the puny boys. Never mind!

Pretty soon the fight was on.....Gym Ninja watched with interest. Mostly interest for the guy in the Red Corner as he was actually rather good looking for a puny man.  At the end of the round, Tartan Ninja was up! Into the ring she slid, parading around with 'Round 2' on a card above her head, to a chorus of whistles and cheers. Then before you could blink, she was back out. That meant that the next round was GN's round. Crap!
Off they went again....punch punch punch punch BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty Boy Red went crashing to the floor, his head slammed into it with an almighty crash, knocking him out cold. Cue Paramedics, neck braces, saline drip and spinal board.
Oh. End of fight.
'No Go' for Gym Ninja after all.  S'not fair!

With a 45 minute break whilst they ferried Pretty Boy Red to hospital, and with that fight abandoned, it allowed the two Boxing Ninjas to change their appearance into outfit number 2.  Corsets!!!!

See how important it is for Gym Ninja to spend her time in the gym? No hiding place for those 'Oh go on then, just the one' type moments. Tartan Ninja also trains extremely hard, as her physique testifies to! She could crush a man with her earlobe! Crush him! The time spent waiting for the return of the Paramedics before the next fight would begin was filled up with using Boxing Ninjas as 'assistants' to carry aloft signed boxing gloves for the crowd to bid on. GN is ashamed to say her rapier reflexes failed her that night. For GN failed to realise that the boxed glove was not fastened into the box, and as she tottered around  in her corset and knickers combo, box aloft  (amongst other things!)....plop! Out fell the glove and rolled across the floor.
Glove went back in the box, and GN continued her parade.
Out fell the glove. Again!
Grrrrrrr! Stupid glove making a fool out of Gym Ninja!

After a long long wait, the Paramedics were back on site and the fights could continue. This is IT! This is Gym Ninja's first attempt as a Ring Girl.
Ding Ding!
The bell signified the end of a round and that meant GN had to climb 'elegantly' into the ring.... In 4" heeled boots, knickers and a corset. Gym Ninja, aka Boxing Ninja, would be fine. Just fine...........

One leg in through the middle rope and into the ring as the crowd watched....GN ducks her back under the rope, grabs rope, realises rope wobbles when you grab it, loses balance, quickly tries to drag flailing left-behind leg through the ropes also, catches heel on rope, creates odd star shaped effect, before miraculously righting herself, ready to parade around the ring.  Phew. Gym Ninja thinks she may have gotten away with that stumble had it not been for the fact that she was IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM IN A BOXING RING WATCHED BY A HERRRUGE CROWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The shame!

Luckily, her outfit distracted the crowd...but all too soon she was back where she started, ready for the dismount. If the entry sounded embarrassing enough, you can only imagine the dismount. If  you cannot, then allow GN to elaborate. Learn from her mistake....

She slides her left leg out through gap between ropes, ducks her back under the ropes, sliding her torso out from under. She grabs the ropes tentatively, aware now that they move, before removing right leg from ring....and then....oh. Where does Right leg go? Left leg is taking up the only available slither of external ring, so that means the only place for right leg is on the floor. Cue crossing of the legs, curtsy type tangled mess of an exit.

You will all be relieved to learn that Gym Ninja quickly learned the most elegant and efficient entry ad exit into the ring. T'was a case of having to or else the Paramedic would be needed again. This fight went the full rounds and all of this without Gym Ninja once skidding on the globules of spit and splatters of blood. Not HER spittle and blood BTW. Gym Ninja never oozes whilst working. .Fantastic achievement!!!!!

With one more fight to go, the two Ninjas dashed off for a rapid wardrobe change in the Disabled (mirrorless) toilet. HOTPANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, *sigh*, Gym Ninja did not appreciate the shortness of the shorts. She had no clue. NO clue. She was too busy trying to avoid any 'poppage' of the breasts as she limboed under the ropes. However, Gym Ninja is eternally grateful that she enjoys her barbell squats and deadlifts, and will never again procrastinate at the gym for fear of a follow-up outfit!!!!!!

Once the fights were over, Gym Ninja declined the offer of overnight accommodation and instead insisted that it would be easier to drive home. RIGHT now.  At 1am. Clear roads you see. Darkness. The ability to blend in. No one following her. All essential Ninja tools.

With a whisk of her HUGE suitcase, Gym Ninja departed and set out on the long drive back. Yawning, she popped a couple of Viper Extreme Capsules. Not only good for the workout boost donchaknow. They wake you up when driving through the night, false eyelashes weighing down your eyelids......bear that in mind guys next time you stick your lashes on and drag it up. Ladies-it works for you too!

5 HOURS (and two stops) later, having popped Viper, quaffed Maxi-Milk and chewed on Promax Crisp bars to stay awake, Gym Ninja made it home at 6am. Exactly 24 hours since she woke up. 

So how did Gym Ninja manage such a bionic feat of endurance? She puts it down to good nutrition, and a fit body. Her body allowed her to push through and find the energy reserves to carry on, and just about cope with a full 24 hours without sleep. In fact, if it wasn't for her heavy eyes, she'd have been fine as her muscles were still strong and her mind was willing...damned false lashes!

Until next time my Ninja-ettes. Keep under the radar..........

Gym Ninja x

Monday, 23 November 2009

Welcome Gym Ninjas!


Gym Ninja has been expecting you. 

You are here because you aspire to a healthy lifestyle. You are here because you already lead that lifestyle, or wish to lead that lifestyle. You are ready to learn. You are ready to train. You are ready to live, vicariously, through the eyes of Gym Ninja, learning from the mistakes that others make, and using her hints and tips to get the body you crave. The body you deserve, The body you were born to have.  Oh, and to have a few giggles & guffaws along the way.  What IS the point if you cannot enjoy yourself?

Okaaaaaaay...let us begin.

Gym Ninja travels a fair bit, so doesn't always train in one location. She darts around, sneaking in a workout here, a sweaty session there, and hones her fitness techniques the rest of the time in her habitual lair. She wears black, as Ninjas recognise that black is terribly slimming and SO this season darrrhling. She's also getting fed up already of referring to herself in the third person, but may just carry it on for the sake of her first blog post, so bear with her?  Just for a little while....

 So what has Gym Ninja been up to this week.........?

Gym Ninja had to travel up to Blackpool for a 3 day conference with work, selling Ninja stars and samurai to any persons (interested or not-mostly 'not'). T'was a thankless task, having been cruelly abandoned by her colleagues to set up the exhibition stand alone. This had necessitated an early start of 5.30am to ensure she had arrived by the time the delivery drivers dumped their equipment. Well, not actually because it took that long to travel. More the fact that Gym Ninja, contrary to popular belief, does not know the meaning of travelling light and had in fact packed 57% of her wardrobe (mostly black) into a herrruge suitcase aka a 'justincase'. 

Supplies had duly been packed too. Hotels never cater for the healthy Ninja and this one was no exception. To counteract the sabotage of cakes, pies and chips, Gym Ninja squirrelled away a veritable feast of Maximuscle products..think Promax Crisp, Powered protein in the form of chocolate Promax, ready to drink Maxi-Milk, a smattering of Thermobol and some 'in case of emergency' Viper Extreme Capsules. Oh, and some apples too.  Howz da ya like 'thems apples' eh?

By Day 2 of the 3 Day exhibition/conference, Gym Ninja was flagging. No time between work commitments to hit the hotel gym meant that refuelling on healthy food was vital. Between main meals, GN used up her quota of Maximuscle bits & bobs to great effect, keeping energy levels high and nutrition levels balanced, however, this meant she had to then peruse the hotel bar menu for her main meals. Chips, wedges (fat chips), sandwiches, baguettes (fat sandwiches), billion calorie muffins.. plus variations on this theme. Hmmm....not ideal but wait! What did she then spy? Chicken Caesar Salad. Not a bad option if you ask for the dressing on the side (and what's not to like about a semi-dressed waiter?). So with the sald duly ordered, GN settled back with a nice brew and awaited her lunch. With stealth-like lunch-awaiting abilities of course.

Tadaaaa! The Chicken Caesar Salad arrived, with the dressing on the side as requested, much to the apparent annoyance of the waiter. But wait (no pun intended)! What was this? Was the salad also on the side? Surely this slither of chicken resting on 4 lettuce leaves was missing the salad? Damned hotels! I guess lettuce is far more expensive than chips, bread and cakes?

Gym Ninja also tried room service, and plumped for what was labelled as a 'Health Option' on the hotel menu. Indeed it was! Salmon with salad, and a side order of green beans and shallots. Mmm.  Herrrruge amount of food too, and although tasty and healthy, it did settle in GN's stomach in a huge ball, lying there undigested in a snake-like fashion, for the remainder of the night.   

Another night involved Gym Ninja clothed in black, and on her best behaviour as she was forced to accompany her two MDs to a dinner on an undercover Ninja mission. Her newest MD, a Dutch guy who recently bought the company, appeared to have an enormous preoccupation with GN's pendant. Or was it something else....? Hmmm. But what is this? Gym Ninja's one nemesis. Wine!!!!! Gym Ninja rarely drinks. As in once every 3 months or so? But when GN does drink, she can happily mix and match all of the colours and all of the Spirits and Liqueurs to no great affect on her. She can still move with stealth and cunning (perhaps a tad more clumsy cunning, but cunning nonetheless!). But wine? No no no no! 

Allow Gym Ninja to explain what happens to her when wine is consumed. 
2 sips and Gym Ninja screws up her Poker Face in disgust. Nasty drink.
5 sips and Gym Ninja is starting to rationalise that this glass could be one of her 5-A-Day fruit and vegetable servings no?
Half a glass and Gym Ninja's cover is well and truly blown, her razor sharp eyes turn a fetching shade of red, her words cascade out of her mouth and her brain engages approximately 3 days after the event. Disaster!!!!!!

We get mid way through the meal. So far Gym Ninja has avoided the fatty parts and feasted on the healthier servings of chicken, vegetables and so on. Gym Ninja is feeling somewhat dizzy though. Uh oh! The Dutch MD with his blond pale faffiness picks up the menu and peruses it further. Gym Ninja listens as he announces the latter parts of the meal. 

"Oh, a selection of ze local Cheeses", Reads Dutch MD.
"Should be inetresting as we 'av ze cheeses over in Holland".

Gym Ninja listens, intently. Gym Ninja's mouth has already come up with a response and she is saying it with a big booming voice . It is unfortunate though, that Gym Ninja's brain was not 'in on' the conversation.....

"Ah cheese!", says Gym Ninja. 
"I avoid cheese to be honest. Too high in saturated fats." She nods, waggling her finger at the Dutch MD.
" you have any clogs with you then.......?"

Cue silence. 
Looks of daggers sent over the table to Gym Ninja from the English MD. So, in order to repair the damage that Gym Ninja has done, she decides to distract the two MD's with something else. Something that will remind them why they employed her to sell Ninja Stars and Samurai and that she is a professional business Ninja through and through...

"So...I'm going to be a Ring Girl at a Boxing Match this weekend!"

Yep. Remarkably, that seemed to do the trick. Who'd have thought eh? The previous clog statement was forgotten in a whirlwind of questions about Ring Girl outfits and a possibility of getting a bikini branded with the company logo (A thought that was cancelled quickly due to the technicalities of printing such a long company name on such a miniscule amount of fabric!). Gym Ninja was so relieved, that, fuelled by the evil wine she had been forced to quaff, thought she may as well go to hell in a hand cart and promptly ate everyone's servings of the After Dinner Chocolates! She doesn't even LIKE chocolate that much! Uh oh!!!!!!

Such are the perils of hotel catering, work socialising and not being able to cook for oneself when away! Gym Ninja needs to keep her wits about her. check back for the Gym Ninja guide to training for a job as a Ring Girl, a Blog Post that will also incorporate the low down on what happened, and whether or not she managed to skid across the ring on a pile of spittle and leaked blood splats.... 

What's NOT to love about that eh?

'Til next time, my Trainee Ninjas! 

Gym Ninja x