Thursday, 29 April 2010

Hollow Legs

Today Gym Ninja had hollow legs.
Couldn't stop eating!
Not that Gym Ninja ever goes longer than 3 hours without eating, but today it was a veritable food-fest! Nom Nom! Greedy Gym Ninja!

The day started off extra early thanks to one of Gym Ninja's cats bounding across her head as a 'short cut' across the bedroom, and this meant Gym Ninja found herself scheduling in an impromptu 'check the tyre pressure' of the Blandmobile  on route to her appointment at the opposite side of the UK. LOTS of driving ahead....! Boo hiss.....

Of course it wouldn't be a work day without a list of impossible tasks from her Muppet Manager. Today's list went as follows (with admittedly some artistic license):

1. To cover the building at her first appointment completely in tinfoil (excluding the Blue Badge Parking Bay Area).

2. To obtain a slice of the left earlobe belonging to Princess Michael of Kent.

3.  To soap down the Thames Estuary Flood Defence Barrier with a mild carbolic mix

4.  To weave a medium sized basket out of butterfly wings (Red Admiral wings excluded).

No WONDER Gym Ninja found herself eating her mid-morning snack of a Promax Diet Bar by 8.55am!

A news story on the Radio caught Gym Ninja's ear as she drove. It was about a teacher, a dumbbell and a pupil.

"Oooh, sounds interesting?" Thought Gym Ninja, pricking up her ears ready for an informative exercise-related news clippet.

But no.
Not 'quite' the exercise news article she'd anticipated.


Yep, turns out the guy was cleared, despite what he shouted (and to be fair, Die Die Die is usually a clue that someone is trying to kill you surely?) and despite the fact he fractured the poor boy's skull.  Remarkable!

Gym Ninja briefly pondered what could be an opportunity if her, a dumbbell and Muppet Manager were in the same room......?

After her appointment (and item 2 of the daily tasks had been crossed off the list-flighty little madam is Princess Michael of Kent!) Gym Ninja spotted this gaggle of pregnant men waddling across the road...

See how the trousers sit below the belly, thus 'tricking' the wearer into thinking he is still fitting the same size trousers as when he was younger?

Marvel how the fabric of the shirts strains against the belly.

Oh and imagine how the middle guy is probably known as the 'skinny one' out of the three........

Oh dear. This storage of fat on the belly area is not healthy and puts these guys at risk of heart disease, furring of the arteries, and all manner of illnesses, cancers, diabetes, etc......................

Gym Ninja stopped for lunch. Tuna salad (hell, Gym Ninja doesn't get paid until tomorrow OK so cut her some slack with her 'samey' lunch) and a small fruit selection afterwards. Then she nipped into a local Tesco and snaffled up a couple of Maxitone Crisp bar thingies-whatever they are known as? White versions of the Promax Crisp bar-you know the ones? 

Within the hour one had been scoffed! Hollow legs! Then followed HOURS of driving homeward bound, interspersed with phone calls to friends (one call actually had a whole 15 minutes of chat dedicated to the merits of various brands of protein bars), plus the obligatory 'Whereareyouandwhatareyoudoingnow' Checking Up call from Muppet Manager. He also needed to add the last task of the day which was...

5.  To make a pair of waterproof shoes from a cows udder and half a tablespoon of Marmite. 


Nearing home, Gym Ninja stopped at Sports Direct store to see if there were any bargain items of clothing for her photoshoot. GODDAM you photo shoot. Why coincide to a time when Gym Ninja has hollow legs? Anyhow, out of the car she tottered (stupid tightening of the hip flexors) and into the store. Very soon GN had picked up 4 cropped tops to try on. Now, have you EVER tried on stuff at this store? The changing rooms are as follows:

1 meter to the left of the main queue for the cashier.

Teeny tiny and lit with a nasty harsh spotlight

Made with a door that doesn't stretch the whole length of the doorway and instead merely covers the torso, exposing the head and legs of the person getting changed. 

In Gym Ninja went and shut the door. On the mirror was a big sign that screamed:

Oh great! Gym Ninja is now streaming live to Chat Roulette most likely.......

Gym Ninja started to get undressed, and then became painfully aware of a very TALL man standing in the queue less than a meter away. That'd be a tall man who could most definitely see OVER the half-door of the spotlit changing room and peek at Gym Ninja's half naked image reflected in the mirror  (unless of course he'd prefer to go online and view it completely courtesy of the hidden security cameras?) 


Gym Ninja felt as if she were getting undressed in the middle of the store. Technically, she Gym Ninja crouched down and continued to try on the crop tops, all FAR too small to contain GN's boobs. Oooer!

Quickly putting her black skirt suit back on, Gym Ninja noticed a white  melted piece of Maxitone bar stuck in the middle of the skirt. 


The Clumsy Fairy had nipped back to see Gym Ninja again and kindly stuck on a dodgy bit of white stickiness right in the lap of Gym Ninja's black skirt. Thank you Clumsy Fairy! Thank you SO much! 

So Gym Ninja headed home. Tired, sulky, not having managed to locate any Marmite to finish off the cows udder shoes she'd been told to make, and without stopping off at the gym to burn off the 63 days worth of calories she'd scoffed. 

Once home, Gym Ninja trod on a parcel that had been pushed through the door...(DAMN YOU Clumsy Fairy!). T'was a pair of camouflage pants ordered from eBay (possible GI Ninja theme for the gym shoot you see). Wahey! 
Gym Ninja opened the packet.


It would appear someone has sent DOLL-SIZED pants. Holy schmoly! How will Gym Ninja fit her arse into these? Hollow Leg Curse, how Gym Ninja also hates you tooooooo!

Gym Ninja tried them on. Yeh they fitted OK, but the hormonal eating of today made GN feel a tad squashy and bloated in them. But then..*PING!*

No, the elastic didn't break!

Gym Ninja instantly developed an anti-binge device.

Ladies, grab the summer bikini or shorts you plan on wearing soon and put it on.
Feel a tad guilty for your latest binge eating episode.
Stay IN the clothing for the remainder of the binge period.

No need to thank GN!

Right, tune in tomorrow as GN may well be feeding back on a recipe for protein bars she has stolen from another blog (and yes she will link everyone to it as that person is a star if these babies taste nice) and it's a 'maybe' as GN is about to make them after logging off.

Gn may also be reviewing FOOD INC, the docufilm (again, GN has yet to start watching it)

Now....bugger off please and let GN find that Marmite and finish off the last task of Muppet Manager's to-do list........

Gym Ninja xx

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Clumsy Ninja

Today Ninja was blessed by a visit from The Clumsy Fairy.
Either the Clumsy Fairy visits at night or she gets up real early as straight from the off, Gym Ninja knew it was going to be 'one of those days!'

Gym Ninja barged into the bathroom door having misjudged the doorway. Yep, that'd be the doorway that has remained that width for over 3 years now....

A big dollop of cottage cheese fell out of the fridge as Gym Ninja opened the door...

Gym Ninja found herself body-slamming the bannister as she attempted to walk past it. WTF?????

Gym Ninja hurtled across the tiles of the living room floor as she strode through the room......

Gym Ninja stumbled down the step leaving the house....

AHHHR Clumsy Fairy! Go clear off & bless someone else.  Gym Ninja has work to do. Work given to her by Muppet the Line Manager, and today's list of work went something like this...

1.  Knit together half a cloud (white) with 2 rays of sunshine.
2.  Plait a lion's eyelashes together.
3.  Locate one of the original Umpa Lumpas that starred in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (the1970's version). This in fact was an impossible task due to the fact that Dwarves don't live to a ripe old age...grrr
4.  Sponge down the underside of a warthog.

So as you can tell, Gym Ninja was busy enough without being a Calamity Jane too.

Luckily there was a happy event about midday. Gym Ninja, on the THIRD attempt, had managed to remember to bring the tin opener with her and could at last dine on tuna with salad in the car at lunchtime.  That was until..

Gym Ninja snapped the top off the plastic picnic fork. GRRRR! To make matters worse, she then only had a teeny tiny plastic teaspoon with which to eat the remainder of her lunch. Oh, and then, in keeping with the 'feel' of the day, managed to chomp down on the broken remnant of plastic fork that was now nestling in a leaf of lettuce, hurting her mouth.

Incidentally, Gym Ninja would like to have a quiet word with 'Mr John West'.

Dear Mr John West,
Your can of 'Non Drain' Tuna is in fact more 'partial drain' Tuna. There is definitely always tuna brine that leaks out of the GODDAM TIN. Sort it out!
Thank you
Gym Ninja.  x

Now Gym Ninja checks Facebook & Twitter regularly throughout the day. It must have gotten to the 'crossing off sponging down the underside of a warthog' part of the list of daily duties when she read a Tweet from an online person who jokingly stated that Gym Ninja  was 'Like an Advertisement for Maximuscle'.


Gym Ninja agrees with this observation as indeed it must seem like that. Gym Ninja rarely blogs without mentioning their range, however just in case anyone does THINK that Gym Ninja is in some way working for/paid by/sponsored by(God PLEASE yes that'd be perfect!) Maximuscle then rest assured she is not. These are the reasons why she harps on about them...

1. Gym Ninja has tried a broad range of different sports supplements over the years, the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Gym Ninja much prefers Maximuscle to any other.

2. Gym Ninja has personally seen huge positive changes in her physique and performance in the gym since supplementing with their range.

3. Gym Ninja follows a healthy clean diet and a regular progressive exercise programme so therefore gains maximum benefits when using their supplements (which is how anyone needs to use supplements to be fair-they are not a quick fix, they are SUPPLEMENTS to other things like diet and exercise).

4.  Gym Ninja loves how they taste!!!

5.  Gym Ninja is a great believer in that you get what you pay for. Yes, their range can be at the higher range of the Industry average, however GN would prefer to know her supplements are tested and proven to do what they claim, than to risk saving a few quid and buying inferior 'as much use as a chocolate teapot with probably as much hidden sugar as a chocolate teapot' product range.

6. Gym Ninja ha recommended this range to others and also seen those people benefit, so she knows it's not just her!

All understand now? Good good!

On route down the Motorway Gym Ninja pulled in at a Motorway Services. In WH Smiths she clocked a copy of this month's 'Muscle & Fitness Magazine'! Fantastic! Lots of inspirational pictures and articles in here! However every time she went towards that section of the magazines, a gaggle of men (truckers, sales reps and general travellers) congregated. Grr, now Gym Ninja felt like a right pervert by picking up a magazine with a man on the cover who's chest was bigger than Pamela Andersons!!!!! As she leaned down to pick up the magazine, the gaggle of men parted like the Red Sea (oooh, biblical references now, you ARE being spoiled today) and just stared, open-mouthed at the smartly dressed suited and booted Gym Ninja who had picked up a copy of the 'Muscle pervert' magazine......

After work, Gym Ninja forced her tired body to go to the gym. It was FAR too much of a risk, in her Clumsy -Fairy-Blessed-state, to attempt both cardio AND weights, so GN decided that the most beneficial workout today would be weight training...

LEG DAY!!!!!!!!!

Gym Ninja warmed up, and as she did so watched one of the Gym Based Personal Trainers walk across the gym floor. His feet turned outwards at 45' angles as he walked. What have we all learned from reading Gym Ninja's blog on days where she's mentioned turned out duck feet before? Yup! Tight Piriformis (to name but one issue!)! Stretch yourself out Boy! *tisk*

The gym was scorchio today! Either the Air Con was on low or switched off altogether as Gym Ninja was sweating like a pig in a bacon factory! Yet a good lower body workout was done. Gym Ninja tempted fate and the Clumsy Fairy by performing single legged deadlifts (wobble wobble like a jelly on a plate-LOW sugar jelly of course). Lots of lunge combinations (wobble wobble again), single leg calf raises (stumble), Barbell cleans (teeter), resistance band work for adductors/abductors and glutes (wobble wobble splat) and finally, the leg press.......

Gym Ninja loved the leg press today! FINALLY no risk of being killed by the Clumsy Fairy either (although at one point when loading up the weight plates Gym Ninja did catch her finger on a shard of metal)! Gym Ninja also clocked herself being thrown a few 'impressed' glances from some of the guys in the gym who blatantly had chicken legs and couldn't even attempt to leg press what GN was...

Making sure to stretch out afterwards, Gym Ninja veritably bounced out of the gym in a way that a girl who has hammered her legs can 'bounce'......obviously more metaphorical bouncing than actual bouncing you understand? 

So you see? A visit from the Clumsy Fairy didn't scupper Gym Ninja's workout in any way, shape or form. NO excuses people! 

Fit, healthy, athletic and aesthetically muscular bodies DO NOT JUST GROW THAT SHAPE on their own! They are created. Created by the very discipline you have. Created by your motivation to train hard and eat clean. Created by the very food and drink you chuck down your neck on a daily basis. Created by hard work, sweat, dedication (cue Roy Castle's trumpet solo again!), discipline, nutrition and sleep. Oh, and in Gym Ninja's Maximuscle too ;-)

Toodle pip

Gym Ninja x

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Muppet Murder


Gym Ninja is recovering from her day at Head Office.

After a decent night's sleep (yep, GN actually sent herself to bed early last night) and an early rise, Gym Ninja dragged herself out of the house with her best sulky face on, and drove 2 and a half hours in the Blandmobile to the office to meet Muppet the newly promoted Line Manager. In the car was a small coolbag packed with yesterdays salad and tin of tuna. You'll recall Gym Ninja couldn't eat it yesterday as she'd forgotten to pack the goddam tin opener but had pointedly put it in the cool bag the night before. Also in the bag were 3 organic apples and a Promax Diet Bar. A herrrrruge bottle of water sat on the next seat so GN wouldn't dehydrate as she drove....

The office as as soul destroying as anticipated. Gym Ninja had to sit there whilst Muppet pontificated about how inappropriate he thought Gy Ninja's barbed email response was the day before, whilst Gym Ninja succinctly pointed out her side of the argument using logic throughout. Needless to say Gym Ninja got an apology out of Muppet..... ;-)
Also, due to the fact that no sharp stabby objects were neaby, he also got to live too, which some people may see as a bonus, others less of one........

In Head Office is an older woman who has slowly gone up a dress size from a small size 10 to a size 12 over the space of a month or two. She cannot understand why she is gaining weight, and yet continues to sit at the desk all day long snacking on biscuits.  Today she approached Gym Ninja..

"How can I get rid of this wobbly bit here?" She demanded, grabbing the backs of her arms..."And this big belly here?"
At this she patted her stomach.
"I had to buy a larger pair of jeans at the weekend!" She lamented.

Thus followed a concise lowdown on eating to maintain energy levels and avoid insulin spikes (and why that is something to be avoided), plus a 'how to do dips at your desk' demo.

Come lunchtime, Gym Ninja unpacked her lunch bag.......she'd already scoffed an apple midway through the morning with half of the protein bar, & now it was time for the salad with tuna.
Out came the box of lettuce, tomato and cucumber. Out came the tin of tuna in brine. And.............AHHHHHR!
Gym Ninja couldn't find the tin opener..... AGAIN! Oh wait...........NOW she remembered. She'd unpacked it again to make room for the third apple and it was still at home on the kitchen worktop............Good job work had one or EVERYONE would have known about it!!!!!

Later that day, Muppet came dashing into the office wielding a newspaper. The Daily Mail. He'd spotted this article..

Crushed lungs, strained joints and a swollen heart - the extraordinary scans that reveal what being fat does to you

Read more:

The people in the office crowded round the newspaper oohing & ahhing about the photo of the scan showing internal body fat stores.

Gym Ninja looked on.

Where did they THINK the fat went? Do they think it just sticks onto the outside of the body? Did they honestly not think it also fills inside the body too?  

Gym Ninja was kind of glad that this article was grabbing their attention. For the past 10 months she's been ridiculed by the work colleagues (all bar one) for eating healthily and not wanting to scoff junk. Maybe now they realise why? 

After a very long and mostly pointless day, Gym Ninja got 'released' from the office and drove hours in a homeward bound direction, stopping off at Asda to pick up some more salad bits & bobs. After all, 2 weeks tomorrow is the happy snappy camera trauma....!  As Gym Ninja rummaged through the box of cucumbers, the whole box collapsed into the shelving system and disappeared from sight with a loud crash! 


"I saw ya wrecking the shop!" Said a smiley man next to Gym Ninja, smirking as he walked off.  Perhaps GN doesn't know her own strength eh?????

Time now for Gym Ninja to pootle off. Let you all read the Daily Mail article if you haven't done so already (see link above). GN is now chomping at the bit for tomorrow's gym session after work so be sure to 'tune in' for that exciting instalment.....

Gym Ninja x

Monday, 26 April 2010

Sleep. The missing Link?

Gym Ninja is a tad knackered this evening. Has been all day in fact, thanks to a very bad night's sleep. The sleep was going great, until Gym Ninja's mind decided that the enjoyable dream about the impending  photoshoot should get all 'nasty' and that GN couldn't get to where she needed to be in the dream, for she had feet that moved as fast as those robots you wind up and their little legs interlock as they walk across your desk? You know the ones...? AHHR! So Gym Ninja awoke at 4.20am all riled up and suddenly ravenous. A quick scoot downstairs (with only one eye open, for everyone knows if you leave one eye shut then you can go straight back to sleep again) and GN quaffed half a carton of chocolate Maximilk..a  nice blend of fast and slow releasing proteins that would help with muscle repair (and fill her up, yum!).

So by morning Gym Ninja was pooped. Grumpy Ninja packed up her day's supply of healthy foods, shoved her Inspiration File in her bag and then set off to work. First call  of the day was spoiled by receiving an email just before GN went in, from the Muppet Line Manager wanting to know why GN was visiting her first client. AHHHR, do NOT Micro Manage a tired grumpy Gym Ninja!!!!!!! FFS!  Then Gym Ninja had to head to a local hospital where she was due to meet with a team of NHS staff and her very own MD (another micro manager) to discuss a large project.

Gym Ninja was flagging though due to the broken sleep, so stopped off and bought some PEP energy tablets. Just caffeine in a pill really. That should work eh? But Gym Ninja had arrived early for the appointment, the day was warm and so was GN's car, so before long she was feeling sleepy despite the injection of PEP! Good job it was time for lunch.

Gym Ninja unpacked her salad and a tin of tuna in brine from her mini cool bag. Gym Ninja felt very smug that she'd prepared this the night before. VERY smug and the salad with tuna was a very healthy lunch indeed. Gym Ninja grabbed the tin of Tuna...................AHHHHHHR! In her sleepy state, GN had totally forgotten to pack the tin opener! There was NO way Gym Ninja would just eat the green salad on its own as she is NOT a Diplodocus! Good job GN always travels with a stash of emergency stuff. Her glovebox is chilled so out came a Maximuscle Promax Meal bar to save the day! That & an organic apple!

The meeting went well, despite GN being grumpy and tired. Once free from the meeting, another healthy snack got shoved down her neck, before she then headed to the gym. Gym Ninja was really tired by now. The gym would be a huge test for her however the photoshoot (AHHHR, bl**dy goals!) was at the back of her mind so no WAY would she skive the session. Plus GN had her new Inspiration File with her. One look at that and her mind over-ruled her tired body!

But......just in case it didn't, in went 2 more PEP tablets washed down with a can of Diet Emerge (now only 25p a can in Asda everyone!!!!!!)

As you can imagine, GN was bouncing off the walls at this point. The interval run was tough yet GN had all of the fake energy in her system so carried on regardless. At one point GN was so wired she ran into the handles on the console of the treadmill! Time to speed it up a notch!!!!!

Upper Body was on GN's list today. But the tiredness was staring to kick in. Her Central Nervous System and Peripheral Nervous System no longer wanted to play ball.  Gym Ninja was ALMOST too tired to get annoyed by a girl who was standing  so close to the mirrors to do her arm workout that her nose nearly touched them!

Anyway, sleep. The subject of today's blog....Sleep is VITAL. Skipping sleep, even if just by an hour or so each night, can have an accumulative effect and can end up affecting you in many ways. Tiredness often leads to clumsiness and this is why you find your workouts suffer. Lack of sleep can seriously impact your health and fitness goals for a number of reasons.

1. Central And Peripheral Nervous System fatigue. Clumsiness, the muscle fibres  not all firing up when you need them to, balance issues...not conducive to a good workout and may cause injury!

2.  Tiredness can mean your body demands instant energy from somewhere and where does it demand it from? FOOD!  The most sugary highly calorific food possible. So, you eat like a pig your insulin levels spike and fall, tiredness becomes a vicious circle, excess calories are more likely stored as fat (especially around the midsection).

3.  Poor quality rest and repair. This can lead to overtraining and lack of results. You are training hard yet skimping on rest and sleep, You do not see the results you crave so what do you do? Train harder. This then makes everything worse! Yo become all smooth and shapeless. Podgy even. So now you start to cut back on what you eat...and again even more problems arise....

Oh, and it's AGING ok? Lack of sleep has an immediate aging affect (unless you think the panda look is cute?) and a long-term effect on your skin and collagen levels.  
Lack of sleep can increase cortisol (the stress hormone) levels to rise, encouraging the body to store fat.
Lack of sleep lowers the immune system leaving you at risk of illness and injury.....

Oh, and it makes you bad tempered too. GRUMPY Ninja!

Gym Ninja would continue, but she is actually about to head off to bed! Up early in the morning for a day in the office wih Muppet the Line Manager. Unless Gym Ninja sleeps for HOURS and makes up the deficit, then his life is at risk. Grumpy Ninja has NO patience for Muppet Line Managers when tired and may stab him in the fingers with a pen!

Right, before GN goes, she'd just like to check to see if any of you have made a start with your Inspiration File yet? Get going if you haven't. It's rather fun to do! Type in 'fitness models' or other key phrases into Google Images and then cut an paste to your hearts desire.  You ALL need to get this file in place, as in the next few days Gym Ninja has another fantastic motivational 'tool' to help you all................... ;-)

Gym Ninja zzzzzzzzzz

Sunday, 25 April 2010


Without trying to sound like Roy Castle and his trumpet,.....

'Dedication is all you need'.
(1 min 8 seconds into this clip btw).

Okey dokey. Short & sweet eh? What else is there to add? Oh wait...OK so maybe that doesn't 'do' it for you? Maybe you wonder what Record Breakers or trumpets have to do with you? The answer is, most likely nothing. Great. Good job Gym Ninja cleared that up eh?

Well, let's use an example of one of Gym Ninja's friends as a way of explaining how being dedicated to your goal/lifestyle/ambition is ALL you need to get you moving in the right direction. With enough dedication, then the strength of character, discipline and everything else that is needed to assist you in reaching those goals follows.....but first there needs to be DEDICATION.

Gym Ninja received a text yesterday...her friend Lynn had just won the NABBA Miss Scotland competition! Now Gym Ninja first met Lynn 6 years ago, when they both began working for a National Sales Company. This was Gym Ninja's first sales role and part of the company ethic (thank GOD) was that everyone got trained to sell and work in the same way (as in extremely HARD and disciplined). So, having travelled to a centralised venue, Gym Ninja rolled up at a training course in her first month, a bit nervous, only to be kept waiting for it to start....

"Apologies for the delay" Said the Course Trainer. "Only one of the new Scottish Reps who travelled down last night spent the night in A&E so is running a bit late. glued her eye shut!"

WHAT? How on EARTH does anyone glue their eye shut? Well, everyone was soon to find out.

Within 10 minutes the door exploded open and there stood a statuesque girl with long blonde hair, fully made up...except for her left eye which not only had no make up on it, but also was completely devoid of eyelashes...Everyone, meet 'Lynn'.  The reason she'd glued her eye shut was that ever glamorous, she'd been glueing on some faux fingernails the night before & one pinged up and hit her in the eye!! How could anyone dislike Lynn after that? So Gym Ninja and Lynn became firm friends.

The sales role that GN and Lynn had was a tough one. Fast and hard sales process, high pressure, long hours and subsequently poor eating habits. The majority of the sales force were chain smoking alcoholics (one needed to be to survive). Luckily Gym Ninja and Lynn never succumbed to the smoking but could certainly demolish a bottle of 4 of champagne when called for! But one major thing they did have in common (apart from glamour, a love of shoes, the same star sign) was an addiction to the gym and healthy eating! SO, whilst Lynn worked her area in Scotland and Gym Ninja worked in the North, they conversed frequently about all things fitness.

Lynn had also been a dancer and was returning to her old love of fitness shows. Her dance background meant that she could drop to the splits whenever requested (and often when not!) so she could put together a wicked routine. But the hours were long, and the constant driving meant that Lynn HAD to be disciplined and dedicated when preparing her daily nutrition and scheduling in her workout sessions, especially when competitions loomed large. One year, at the Annual Bun Fight (aka Sales Conference) Gym Ninja recalls seeing Lynn with her Scottish team mates across the room. All her colleagues were snacking on the breaktime refreshments of cakes and biscuits, whilst Lynn delved into a large bag of pre-cooked chicken breasts she'd brought with her. Whilst everyone got incredibly drunk that evening, Lynn remained Dedicated to her goal & managed to be the life & soul of the party without having to drink any alcohol!.

Gym Ninja and Lynn moved on and now work at different companies, but still converse. Lynn is supportive of Gym Ninja as she trained for her Personal Trainers Diploma, and Gym Ninja is supportive of Lynn and her fitness competition achievements.  In fact Lynn is so highly regarded in the fitness scene that she has even landed a sponsorship by a Sports Supplement Company Muscle Fury and she is building her body with diet, supplementation (courtesy of Muscle Fury), and hard workouts!

So, back to Dedication. Lynn won NABBA Miss Scotland yesterday. Her months and months of hard work, focus, training, clean eating and discipline has paid off and she has been recognised as having the best physique! For all of those out there thinking 'hmm, yeh she did a good job' then stop for a moment and listen up......this is tough on it's own. Extremely tough! But Lynn works LONG hours. She will get up before sunrise and go for a run before heading out in the car for a day of appointments trying to hit her sales targets. She will take out with her the food and drink needed to eat at timed intervals throughout the day, to ensure she stays on track. She will then often still be working (either in the office, or on the road) come 8, 9 or 10pm at night. She'll then go do another gym session.

She will do this FOR MONTHS AT A TIME!

Lynn is dedicated. Lynn works harder than most people Gym Ninja has ever met, and yet she finds the time to train and to eat clean. She finds the time to work hard, sacrifice her weekends and then to WIN her competition.

THAT, is dedication.

So, take a look at your own life. Do you work 9-5 Monday to Friday but 'haven't the time to get to the gym?' Do you plan on eating healthily but 'cannot resist that biscuit with you coffee?' Do you have good intentions yet at the weekend it all goes to pot as you just wanted that takeaway or went on a drinking binge as 'you've been good all week?' Are you REALLY as dedicated as you say you are at achieving your health & fitness goals? Think about it......LYNN is dedicated. She is committed and she wanted it and she got it.

Now.....go and do the same...........!

Gym Ninja x

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Saturday Slaughter Long Overdue

Ahhhhhh, doncha just love the Saturday Slaughter Sessions?

By midweek it's fair to say that Gym Ninja is already chomping at the proverbial bit to get stuck into a hardcore sweaty hour of Extreme Spin, plus a 45 minute weight training session. Sometimes (if up early enough) the weights session occurs first. Usually (damned inability to go to bed early even when tired!) due to a late arrival at the gym, the weights commence after the sweaty old spin class. Either way, as tough as it may feel at the time (and all weekends are different), there is no doubting that Gym Ninja leaves the gym...nay,....'staggers' from the gym, a renewed, endorphined-up Ninja!!!!!!!!

Saturday appeared as if out of nowhere...........albeit in the typical 'always follows a Friday' type fashion. Isn't it always the way? Any other day you feel you could tackle a Slaughter Session head on, but on the actual day? Blah. You're having an off day. No energy. Feeling a tad, what to do?

Well Gym Ninja had already pre-planned for such an occasion. She had left her Inspiration File by her gym bag so that the moment she went to pack it, she'd get a flash of physiques that would quash any lethargy or any 'hmm, maybe I'll just coast it today' type feelings and push her into working hard. certainly worked (that and the can of Diet Emerge energy only 25p a can at Asda by the way!)

Gym Ninja warmed up her tired body with a 10 minute run once she made it to the gym. Her body seemed ok with that. It wasn't a struggle. Good! Then it was up to the Spin Studio where the fab Instructor was waiting...waiting or, as Gym Ninja suspects, 'scheming' and devising an evil hour of intervals, speed work, sprints, runs, hills etc...which is exactly why Gym Ninja makes the effort  to attend!!!  The room was filled with the Regulars, including Dangly Cross Man, Clippy (who sloped in just as the class was about to start) and another regular who doesn't seem to have a 'name' as GN cannot think of one, but she's great to chat to.

Just as the class was about to begin, Gym Ninja realised she'd forgotten to don her running leggings. Now the reason Gn wears these for Spin is that excess fabric just flails around like sails of a ship, slowing down the legs and making the spin class even tougher. Don't get GN wrong, she HAD put clothes on, but nothing skin tight. F*ck! So, with moments to spare, up went the Adidas trouser legs (rolled up to thigh level) in preparation for the hour of hell to follow.....

And it was! Hell! But good hell. When GN started to tire, all she needed to do was focus on the impending photoshoot booked in for 12th May. That one thought alone suddenly would ignite GN's little legs, sending them faster into a panic. Unless Gym Ninja has a bum she can bounce coins off, then she's not gonna be happy in front of the camera!

One sweaty tough hour later and Gym Ninja hobbled from the spin studio ready to start her leg session. Holy schmoly, her legs were seriously getting thrashed today!
Leg Press, Bulgarian Split Squats, Romanian Deadlifts, then some burnout work with resistance bands to finish off any last effort her legs and bum may be able to muster up. At one point, Gym Ninja pulled on the Romanian Chair frame and it nearly fell over. Hmm, GN never learns. She is certain that's happened before!!!

After the gym and a shower and freshen up, GN then headed to the home of her client. It was their first training session after last week's consultation & it was fun to take the client one step nearer her goal of the 'Gold Bikini' (this is what her client is focussing on, and after 1 week of making dietary changes, attending workout classes and walking during her lunch breaks, is definitely on track!). The hour flew by and was finished off with a 10 minute running session on the promenade in the sunshine. Lovely!

Later that evening, Gym Ninja decided to attempt to concoct a healthy nutrition bar from scratch. Do not ask where this came from or why now? She just did.....

Into a bowl went some uncooked oats, 4 tablespoons of reduced fat peanut butter, a scoop of chocolate Maximuscle Promax Protein powder, and some water. In went cinnamon, ginger and nutmeg. It was then mixed together, spread into a lined tin and frozen for an hour before being cut into slices...

Gym Ninja couldn't wait! Mmm, healthy and no added sugars either!

Carefully, Gym Ninja cut a small square and put it into her mouth......and chewed...

Hmm, the added spices were strong and coming through noticeably...

Brr, it was a tad cold...

Hmm, can't taste the chocolate protein powder...

before finally thinking...


A big cold sludgy uncooked lump of oats disguised in what looks like a tasty flapjack format, but in fact appears to be so indigestible it is still sitting like a lead brick, in Gym Ninja's stomach 2 hours later!!!!

 LADIES, Gym Ninja has developed the perfect......APPETITE SUPPRESSANT!!!!!

See you all back here tomorrow (assuming GN has digested the lead weight nutrition bar and has not died in her sleep from self-poisoning)

Gym Ninja (and the lead brick of a bar) x

Friday, 23 April 2010

Mental Ninja

Gym Ninja isn't quite sure where today's blog post is going.

To be honest, Gym Ninja rarely has a clue. Maybe a few reminders are jotted down but when it comes to blogging, Gym Ninja sits down, fires up the Mac and then just types.....what you read is how it came out.

Today however, GN appears to be short of ideas. That is very unusual.  Funny old day really. In fact maybe that is what GN should start off blogging about and see what happens eh?

GN had work to do. A few quotes to fire off in the morning before heading out to see a client. Remember, Gym Ninja is still trapped in the sales job from hell. Having received a text to say her Maximuscle delivery was due between 3-4pm, GN scheduled her day around this.  First stop, fuelling up at the Petrol Station and also nipping into Tesco to buy some calorific junk for her clients...

To make a huge sweeping (and most likely inaccurate) statement, the thing with NHS staff is that they appear to crave sugary treats from sales reps. They seem to 'expect' them. Gym Ninja hates buying junk for people. Once Gym Ninja rocked up with some fruit and sushi for a team of nurses and got shot down in flames. So now, under duress, Gym Ninja buys a couple of those Tesco or Asda boxes of 20 mini bites of sugary fatty rubbish for them. They seem to enjoy those. Bleurr!  Whilst in Tesco, GN saw a couple of the Maxitone Definity Crisp bars. These are the girly version of the Maximuscle Promax Crisp bars.  Not nearly as nice by the way. Extra sweet and girly. But GN decided that a couple of those as emergency stashes in the handbag would be a good idea.

On the way out of the store, Gym Ninja nearly crashed into a woman in front of her with a fully loaded trolley of what appeared to be.......Junk.
(Or 'food' as the manufacturers would have people believe!)  When GN says it was piled high she means in a herrrruge pyramid, teetering precariously as the Broad Lady  (almost as wide as she was tall) pushed the trolley towards the door. All of a sudden, the woman stopped dead (which is when GN very nearly mounted her from behind in a Tesco leapfrog type moment). A packet of crisps (the Bovril ones by the looks of them) had committed suicide and leapt off the top of the food pyramid and thrown itself onto the floor. OK, so maybe 'committed suicide' was a tad dramatic. Maybe it 'fell off'? But the packet of crisps MUST have known that the moment it fell in front of the Broad Lady then...

*Pffft, POP, crushhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

That was Broad Lady treading onto the Crisps and the packet being squeezed so the air shot out before popping the bag and then crushing the crisps inside.  See? Suicide! The crisp packet equivalent of throwing oneself in front of a train....

Let us all take a moment to grieve for the bag of crisps.

OK..plenty more crisp bags in her trolley so don't over-react! The woman immediately gasped and went to retrieve the dead crisps. Gym Ninja felt she had to leave before she witnessed the woman then devouring them..........

See? NO clue what to write today. Mental Ninja!

Having visited the client and heard squeals of delight as the Sister at the hospital passed the sugary mini bite treats to her team (Gym Ninja only gives the treats at the end of the visit as she hates to witness  the mass descent on them so tries to leave as they open the boxes), Gym Ninja got back in the car, ate her organic tuna salad she'd prepped that morning that had been happily sitting in the cool box, & set off homeward bound to wait for her Maximuscle stash to be delivered. Yum!

Once home, GN went to fire up the work laptop only to discover......stripy screen of death! GN must have cracked the screen when she rather heavy handedly dumped her briefcase on the floor earlier. Grr! This meant that the laptop was unusable...which in turn meant that Gym Ninja could take a moment to continue her quest to build up an Inspiration File.

DO you have an Inspiration File?

OK. This is a  'Blue Gym Peter Ninja' style  blog segment now. Get your glue sticks and scissors at the ready Ninjarettes.........

The Inspiration File.

This is a file, either in scrap book or photo album format, or created on your computer, that you fill with photos of bodies you admire, bodies you strive to be like, even bodies you never think you can be like yet find it incredibly inspirational to see, all can be included. The purpose of this?

Inspiration. Motivation. Focus. 

When you aren't quite sure where you are aiming for in terms of how you want to look, open the file and be inspired. Then, plan your programme to take you from where you are now to where you want to be!

When you are having a lazy day and cannot be bothered making it to the gym, open the file and be motivated! Look at those physiques you admire. Do you think they got like that from being lazy? Do you think they skive off the gym regularly? Nope. By this point, having chosen the pictures that motivate you, you'll be up and changing into your workout gear in no time!

You're having another 'if it's not nailed down it's going in my mouth' type day. Your healthy eating plan is so far off kilter Ronald McDonald would make healthier choices than you. You're binging and even worse, may even be at the stage whereby you think 'Ah f*ck it! I've ruined it now so may as well open that family bag of crisps too....'. Get your Inspiration File out, look through it and get focussed! Stop your binge. Throw the rest of the junk away. Start afresh. Get back on track.

These are just three ways in which the file can help you. Everyone creates their file to suit their motivations/goals/ideals of what their perfect (!) body is like. Gym Ninja could post her file here for you all, yet Gym Ninja's Inspiration may well be wildly differing to yours. do you start?

Go through any back issues of fitness magazines you have like Oxygen Mag etc. Cut out the pictures of bodies you admire. Place them in a scrap book/photo album or scan them onto your computer.

Have a mooch at the fitness sites online. Take copies of the pictures that motivate and inspire you.

Look for athletes and even images of well known Personal Trainers of fitness experts. They may have the physique that you aspire to?

Look at celebrity sites, as some celebrities work out hard and have great bodies that are fit and healthy. Take copies of those too.

That will be enough to start you off. However always add to it! Keep it fresh. As you progress then so may your file? You may discard some of the earlier pictures if you have already reached that level yourself. You may change what you perceive as motivational so may want to add more muscular/athletic photos? Or you just may find they don't work as well as they once did?  Always keep an eye open be in in magazines, online, wherever and add them to your file.  In times of laziness, binging or  loss of direction, look at the file. Focus and imagine what it feels like to be that healthy and look that good.  See yourself in that shape. Then go get it!

See? Who knew that this odd blog post may throw up something helpful at the end? Now if only Broad Woman had made herself an Inspiration File...those suicidal crisps may still be alive today...........

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Stumps Slumps!

You all remember Stumps don't you?

1. Clumsy un-coordinated girl who offered to be Gym Ninja's 'victim' during a  Personal Training practical exam before Christmas.
2. Horse riding sales rep! (not at the same time BTW)
3. Online PT client of Gym Ninja's
4. Recently addicted to all things Maximuscle
5. Successfully lost 19lbs and counting thanks to her hard work and fear of getting into Gym Ninja's bad books by being lazy and scoffing biscuits. (Gym Ninja can ALWAYS tell...!)

OK, so you NOW remember her right? Good. OK, so today's blog revolves somewhat around Stumps (and her now smug face as she reads this!).

Stumps rang Gym Ninja a few days ago. Just for a chat.

*Chat chat chat chat gossip gossip gossip chat*

Now, a few days prior to this call, Stumps had posted on her Facebook status that she'd succumbed to an Easter Egg and Cider bedtime binge. Actually whilst IN bed, not just at bed time. BAD Stumps. She was doing Soooooooo well on her Promax Diet shakes and healthy eating plan mixed up with her now routine running sessions. In fact she was Gym Ninja's best online Personal Training Client!

"Er...I have a confession actually" Admitted Stumps all of a sudden, mid chat.

Gym Ninja had ben expecting this.

"Is this about the Easter Egg binge?" Enquired Gym Ninja.

"Well yeh, but you see I only had a few bites as it was one of those tiny Easter Eggs you get as an emergency Easter Egg in case someone's kids turn up...?" 

Hmm, Stumps was keen to justify the egg size eh? Oh and IS there such a thing as an 'emergency Easer Egg'?

"And the cider, well it was horrid. I only had a couple of gulps and stopped drinking it!". Stumps went quiet down the phone.

"So, you have started to develop a taste for more healthy things eh?" Asked Gym Ninja. "This makes the unhealthy stuff taste dodgy!"

You see, this starts to happen when you make changes to what you eat. When you start to try and eat the old stuff, it tastes kind of different.

"There's something else.." Stumps sounded sheepish at this point...
"The other day I ended up buying some stuff from the takeaway place and I ate it"

Hmmm. Gym Ninja did not speak as it turned out Stump's own guilt would make her carry on.

"Plus, the next day my body just rebelled!" Said Stumps.
"There was a guy in the house doing some work and I just couldn't stop farting! It was like my body was saying OMG I cannot eat that stuff anymore. I had to move away in case I farted near his head!!!"

Great. Gym Ninja just LOVES It when people start to talk bowel habits...NOT!

"Even my husband noticed the smell! I won't be eating that stuff again!" Promised Stumps, convincingly. "Even if I wanted to, my stomach and bowels just don't like it anymore!!"

See? The body CAN adjust quite quickly to a healthy eating regime. So when you do go back to eating the junk, the sugars, chemicals and trans fats have a far more obvious effect on your body.

Imagine feeling how this feels....? Stumps had been living like this for years firing on a sluggish system. It's only now that she has cleaned up her diet and exercise regime that she now realises what it is to feel more alive every day. It's very easy to think that how you feel every day (such as sluggish, tired, emotional, lazy,restless, listless) is merely due to age or just how it's supposed to be. Well going back to yesterdays blog (whereby Gym Ninja may have sounded a tad up her own ar*e by saying she has the best body she's ever had despite being the oldest she's ever been, but hopefully you understood where she was coming from??) this is another piece of evidence that shows that aging does not mean a downhill spiral!

Gym Ninja met up with Stumps in person yesterday. Stumps needed to dash off to the loo as she's drinking a couple of litres of water a day (See? Star pupil is Stumps when she's not scoffing emergency Easter Eggs) which just goes to show she may have fallen off the healthy eating wagon but climbed straight back on again! That's how you do it. You fall off the wagon You get right back on it again. None of this 'Oh I wrecked my diet so now I may as well finish off this junk too as the damage is done' Nope. Draw a line under it and get back on track.

So Gym Ninja was to take progress photos of Stumps. It's good to get someone to take progress photos for you. Sometimes you may get disheartened when the scales don't move or you start to slow down inch loss. But when you see the photos and compare them, well, that's a boost in itself. Gym Ninja knew how well Stumps had done but was still surprised at how svelte she looked! Good work Stumps!!!! Gym Ninja would have treated you to a Promax Diet Bar had she not snaffled the last one in her bag moments before meeting you!

Talking of Promax and all things Maximuscle, there is currently an offer on their site so if you've never tried their stuff (or have done but not direct from their website) then it's worth taking a peek as it's money off!!!!!!!

£10 off your first order (to the value of £60) using code MMAPR10  in the check out box.

Now if you think you won't spend that much or are an existing customer then Gym Ninja has had a rummage and discovered a variety of offers on their site. Yes how kind...and yes, Gym Ninja did place an order herself!!!!!!!

Buy one Get one free on boxes of Promax Diet Bars (GN ordered 2 of these thus getting 4 boxes to slice and dice up in her  freaky way), a similar offer on Progain Flapjacks for those of you trying to bulk up, Extra free pack of Thermobol fat burning supplement when you buy the 90 capsules, Promax Crisp Bar BOGOF offers (of course GN's favourites too & ordered!) oh and lots more. Just click on this link to reach the SPECIAL OFFER tab section and have a mooch for yourself. If you don't like the taste (unlikely)  or think it's rubbish (even more unlikely to be fair as it's not)  they do a fab refund policy. Gym Ninja's order of 2 x Promax Diet Bars (resulting in 4 boxes) plus a tub of Choc Mint Promax should be delivered Friday!!!!!! That'll help with the EAT CLEAN GET LEAN Photoshoot that is just under 20 days away...eeek!

Right, assuming you are all still reading this and not mooching on the Maximuscle site (and my, have you spotted the rather handsome Spartan the Gladiator and his handstand press ups video on their site? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm) then GN waves goodbye for today. Back here tomorrow Ninjarettes. long as you are moving in the right direction (as in towards a healthier lifestyle and body) then you are on the right track ;-)

Gym Ninja x

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Operation Picture Panic

Well hello hello. Welcome back. Nice to see you all again!

Today, Gym Ninja has spent a total of 6 hours (possibly more in fact) driving to and from The Lake District today. The joys of a sales rep role! However it was a lovely sunny day & GN only had to take one call from Muppet the Line Manager so it wasn't too bad. Plus, Gym Ninja had prepared a healthy tuna salad to take out with her in her mini cool bag, along with the trusty Promax Diet protein bars and organic apples. Yum! No chance of Gym Ninja going hungry eh?

Now weirdly, the night before as Gym Ninja was prepping her food for the day ahead (always wise to pre-plan your meals and prepare the night before to prevent 'ahhhr I'm starving and there's nothing suitable here to eat so I shall shove that cake down my neck' type moments) she was listening to her favourite Fitness've heard Gym Ninja mention it before? The FitCast podcast. It's downloadable on iTunes or via their website at  (click on that link for info). Gym Ninja has been listening to it for the past couple of years and had a fair backlog of weekly podcasts to catch up on. It was these podcasts that kept Gym Ninja from going insane on long commutes, whilst educating her in nutrition and exercise...oh & making her laugh too!

So..Ok where was Gym Ninja? Right,.... listening to the most recent Episode entitled Episode 176: Steve Cotter & The Shrimp That Almost Killed Leigh  (& if that title alone doesn't get you checking it out then you're dead from the neck up!) whilst prepping the food for the next day. Yep? Ninja had prepped the salad and had now begun to do her usual trick of slicing and cubing up the Promax Diet bar, before sealing it in a plastic bag. The reason GN does this, as well you know, is to make the fab chocolate orange taste last longer. You see, the  past ex-fat-kid in Gym Ninja would normally  'inhale' the Promax Diet Bar she eats things so quickly if she left it whole which is why the cubed version works so well ...when whaddayaknow? The FitCast host Kevin Larrabee started to go on about his old school chum's mum who used to cut up chocolate bars and make him and his friend share a bar between them.

"Who cuts up stuff like that?" Said Kevin, incredulously...

Gym Ninja stopped dicing her Promax protein bar and looked down at it in all its chocolately and chopped up glory in the very way Kevin had mentioned....

Er...  Gym Ninja does! ?!?! Why? Scroll down to the pep talk at the end... ;-)

Anyhow, as this podcast was a marathon 2 and a half hours long it meant that having listened to some great info on how to teach a client to eat clean for life , Gym Ninja could squirrel away the rest of the podcast for the long drive the next day. Fantastic!

So, back to today and Gym Ninja is ensuring she eats every 2-3 hours from her box of clean food as she drove.  After 2 and a half hours of driving, GN is nearly at her destination and is now driving past beautiful green fields filled with cows and sheep...and more sheep....and even more sheep...and .....a rhino?


Gym Ninja looked again. Yep. A rhino was walking around a field...and nearby strode a giraffe. IN THE LAKE DISTRICT! In the UK!   Of course yes, it was a zoo, but seriously, how unexpected was that?

That evening Gym Ninja headed to the gym for a cardio session. No cardio had been done since Sunday (only weight training Mon and Tues) so Gym Ninja planned a 10 minute fast run, followed by 10 minutes at a 7% incline of 1 minute run:1 minute walk intervals, finished off with another 10 minutes fast running.  However, t'was not the cleanest of gyms today...look what was on the X Trainer when Gym Ninja did her pre-run warm up?

Ewwwwwwwwwww! Someone elses gym stuck on the X Trainer console. Bleurrh!

Anyhow, the reason for the title of today's Ninja blog is thus...(tis something of a fragmented blog today) that today Gym Ninja has booked in for her first Fitness Photoshoot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yep. Gym Ninja needs photos for her Personal Training website and publicity stuff, and so has managed to track down a photographer who can give her the look she has in mind...

So now? Now, unless it grew out of the ground, had a face or was engineered by Maximuscle, then it will NOT pass Gym Ninja's lips. In exactly 21 days time (on 12th May) the photoshoot is happening. The workouts from hell are about to begin!   

*pep-talk alert* 

You see, there is NO REASON why you cannot aim to have the best body you can! Do you want it enough? Do you want to be fit, healthy and full of energy more than you want that donut? Huh? Yep, thought so!  Gym Ninja has to set an example. Gym Ninja was a fat kid. A greedy kid. A laaaaaazy kid. The latter 2 of these 3 things are still effectively true. Gym Ninja can be lazy and greedy! But Gym Ninja is no longer fat. Gym Ninja wants health more than the chocolate bars and the sugar coated cereal and the sitting down on the sofa every night dunking biscuits into her mug of tea. Gym Ninja wants to make the most of her life and that means making sure her body is as fit and healthy as it can be. Ironically, Gym Ninja is now in the best shape she has ever been in. 

Think about it. 

Gym Ninja is today, the OLDEST she has ever been, and yet her body is in better shape now than say, 10 years ago!

Does that seem weird? Most people expect to age and to look worse or their body to start to sag/gain fat/lack tone. LISTEN to Gym Ninja. That is not aging! That is LACK OF USE!  Lack of use and lack of CARE! Do not blame your age. Blame your own actions. Blame your actions, accept the blame and plan your way out to optimal health and a fantastic body (aren't the side effects of taking care of yourself great eh??) 

So....are you ready to claim your best body ever yet.....? 

Gym Ninja x

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

The Muppet Show


Work again!
Monday morning loomed large after another night of broken sleep (broken sleep is usually caused by dread of work). To make matters worse, Gym Ninja had the 'pleasure' of the company of her newly promoted line manager (aka Muppet) with her.  However, not to worry as Gym Ninja also scheduled in an evening job interview at a gym for a Personal Trainer role. Focus Gym Ninja, focus!

Off Gym Ninja went, and drove to the agreed meeting spot that GN and Muppet were doing a presentation to a board of  NHS staff. 2 minutes from the venue was a McDonalds.
As Gym Ninja pulled over to make some calls, Muppet pulled up in his car and got out. His shirt covered beer belly loomed in view at GN's car window.

"Shall we go to McDonalds to talk through what we're going to do?" Suggested Muppet?
How did Gym Ninja know he was going to suggest that eh?

To cut a long story short, the day turned out to be rather entertaining for all the wrong reasons. Muppet is clumsy and many a time Gym Ninja had to spin round and conceal laughter when he dropped notepads, stumbled over chairs, and at one point snagged his briefcase strap around a bollard that pinged him backwards (as he walked towards a client) like a gigantic rubber band.

Once 'released' from his company at the end of the day, Gym Ninja headed for the gym, via Holland & Barratt as GN had run out of her favourite protein bars (currently the Promax Diet Bars) . Oooh, FANTASTIC! They had a 15% off promotion running for this week, so GN stocked up!  This then left just enough time to do a weights workout session for legs before scooting off and attending a 7pm interview at a local health club chain. A few days ago, Gym Ninja had scheduled in a 7pm slot with the Gym Manager regarding a possible freelance role as a Personal Trainer at their club remember...

Wow, as GN pulled up at the gym the car park was packed. Near the front of the building were a number of cars circling trying to find a nearby parking  space. People, THINK about where you are? You are wasting time being lazy driving around the car park to find a space by the go INTO THE GYM. Why not just park at the end and walk? You're there to work remember? *tisk*

Once in the Gym, GN had work to do. Today she began with Clock Squats...or lunges at many different angles as if your legs were the hands of a clock. Not to be confused with Cock Squats which most likely just point straight up & then flop down again ;-)

Mixing things up, GN then did barbell squats, then some incline Leg Press work. Tottering back to the free weights, she had just enough time to finish off the brief yet effective workout with one legged dumbbell deadlifts. Yep-you can FEEL the core workig hard to stabilise you as you stand on one leg, and deadlift the dumbbells, the working leg wobbling all over the place. You don't need to go too heavy on this-a lighter weight will suffice as your body is working hard to stabilise you and working one leg at a time (the other leg out behind you as you bend) makes for a tough session. Try them!

A stretching out of the muscles and one quick change later & Gym Ninja was off, heading towards the other gym chain for her 7pm interview. Being a tad early meant that Gym Ninja had to spend some time mooching in Sports Direct, the discounted gym clothing store. In reality it gave GN a chance to see if there were any cheap bits she may be able to wear for a fitness photo shoot she's planning. Sure enough, for the princely sum of £2.49 Gym Ninja got some red Lonsdale hand wraps (always seemingly essential for photoshots!), plus some grey marl shorts for £3.99. Bargains!

By 6.45pm Gym Ninja was parked up outside the gym she was having the interview at. In she went....

The Receptionist was behind the counter reading a letter. To her right was a sweaty gym person waiting patiently to get the attention of her. Gym Ninja stood directly ahead, also waiting.  The receptionist continued to read the letter. No looking up. No acknowledgement. Nope. Just the actions of the world's slowest reader.  After a few minutes, the receptionist looked up and served the sweaty gym member. She then turned to GN..

"May I help?" She asked.

"Yes, I'm here to see Eddie" (and for the sake of privacy the name has now been changed) Replied Gym Ninja.

The receptionist appeared puzzled.

"I've not seen Eddie today and I've been in since 2pm. Have you got an appointment with him?"

Gym Ninja nodded. "Yeh, at 7pm. About Personal Training?".

The receptionist frowned, told GN to take a seat then said she'd go and ask another staff member if they had seen Eddie.  5 minutes later she returned, mobile phone in hand.

"Have you  definitely booked in with Eddie for the Personal Training? I'm just trying to ring him now" She explained.


"No, I'm not booked in for Personal Training...I AM a Personal Trainer. I'm here about a job?" Gym Ninja was a tad annoyed by now. Where is Eddie?

"Hmm, his mobile is off. Leave it with me. I'm gonna see what I can find out" And with that, off she went leaving Gym Ninja marginally annoyed by Eddie's lack of time keeping!

10 minutes later and Gym Ninja is now suitably annoyed and ready to leave, but the receptionist is nowhere in sight. Gym Ninja approached the desk where a male staff member was standing.

"I'm supposedly here to meet with Eddie" Explained Gym Ninja "However the receptionist says he's not in and I can't see where she went now" 

The staff memmber looked confused, before pointing eagerly behind GN like a pantomime. "She's behind you!" He shouted. Sure enough she was.

"Er, sorry about this..." Said the receptionist in a rather embarrassed fashion, screwing her face up, "But I still can't reach Eddie so I rang the other Gym Manager and she Eddie took the day off today to wait in for a fridge to be delivered". The receptionist stared at Gym Ninja. Gym Ninja stared at the receptionist.


"So, Eddie took the day off, despite arranging an interview with me to 'wait for a fridge to be delivered?'" Repeated Gym Ninja, trying to conceal the incredulous tone in her voice.

WHAT?????  Stood up in favour of a fridge? Seriously?

The receptionist promised to ask Eddie to call GN when he returned into work, and with that off stomped GN. No WAY would GN return. There are many rumours of how badly that chain of gyms treat their PTs anyway. This just about sums them up!

So now it is 25 hours later and still no call from Eddie...Gym Ninja does hope his chilled items haven't melted by now......

Toodle pip
Gym Ninja x

Monday, 19 April 2010

Promenade Palavar

Yup yup!

bright and early(ish) on a Sunday saw Gym Ninja getting her running gear on ready to hit the great outdoors for a run. LSD run no less. That is NOT a drug induced run, but LSD stands for Long Slow Duration & is really useful for building up the cardiovascular endurance and training the Aerobic energy system.

Cap on (well, Gym Ninja feels exposed without her cap on when she runs outdoors), iPod plugged in, Polar Heart Rate Monitor on and off Gym Ninja went...out and down towards the Promenade.

Now Gym Ninja isn't a fan of running outdoors for the following reasons.

1.  Small children galloping towards Gym Ninja due to the lack of directional control they have of their legs, thus necessitating a quick swerve to avoid stomping on the small child.

2.  Dogs. Dogs taken onto the promenade and let off their leads to run towards Gym Ninja, bounding as they do so. There are the bouncy dogs who see Gym Ninja running as an invitation to play, and there are savage dogs who see Gym Ninja running as a request to fight to the bitter end.

3. Cyclists. Dedicated cycle paths on the promenade are nothing to the cyclists who much prefer to cycle in the pedestrian area. Deceptively quiet (especially when GN is plugged into her iPod) they suddenly RAZZ past GN, causing her to jump.

4.  Goggly Eyed Voyeurs. Now these are the people who act as if they have never before seen a person run, and stand there as you approach, staring at you. When you make them aware that you have noticed this, they do not act in the way any British person would (look away quickly), but instead continue to stare, right at Gym Ninja as she runs past them, and no doubt continue to stare as she runs into the distance. Makes a Runner start to wonder if they are running in an odd 'Phoebe From Friends' type fashion....?

5.  Meanderers. Those people out for a walk. A walk slower than the usual walk. Includes lots of snaking across paths and into your running line. Additional possibility of hand-holding between couples stretching across the runners path to take up maximum space.

So off Gym Ninja went, along the promenade, avoiding these 'traps' as she ran. Another hurdle is when, as a runner taking huge lung fulls of air, one runs past a dog doing a poo. Have you ever run past a dog doing a poo when it is 'oven fresh?' as it were? Ewwww!  'Icky sicky' & can induce retching. Gym Ninja had the misfortune to time a particular early stretch of her run with a rather large Rottweiler emptying his bowels on the pavement. Cue inhalation of poo vapour...


The morning was a tad overcast. Turns out it was most likely the volcanic ash currently plodding over the skies of the UK.  As Gym Ninja ran, she inhaled more & more volcano. Not good! Have you ever inhaled volcano? It's not recommended. Makes for a rather sluggish run. That and the poo vapour of course..

Half way into her run, Gym Ninja's Polar Heart Rate Monitor band started playing up. She'd forgotten she'd picked up the Medium sized chest strap instead of the small, and now the Band was snaking it's way slowly down her torso as she ran. How far down can a Polar Heart Rate band get and still pick up the heart beat? Well belly button level at one point! This meant that for the second half of Gym Ninja's run, she had to either clasp the band with one hand (making her look extremely unfit as if grasping at her chest pre-heart attack), or allow it to slowly shimmy down to her waist, before stopping and hauling it back up again flashing her midsection as she did so.  Grr. Nothing worse than a wardrobe malfunction mid-exercise as it can really disrupt the whole run.

The Promenade was quieter than usual. There were two plump ladies (and by plump, Gym Ninja actually means obese but is being polite) who were mostly walking, yet every now and then gamely broke into a jog. Good on them! Everyone needs to start somewhere. No one just thinks, 'Right, I'm going to start running' then flies off for an hour. This is probably a really good way of burning fat as the walking mixed with jogging is a form of interval training, and at their de-conditioned level it will have excellent results if they keep it up.

Only 2 dogs rang towards Gym Ninja. One all 'bouncy bouncy' nearly got booted in the teeth as it ran perilously close to GN's trainers. The other started to snarl and was 'reeled in' aka a big fish style by it's owner using one of those retractable washing line type leads before it could take Gym Ninja's leg off....Of course there was the incontinent Rottweiller  too, but GN is trying to block out that image in her mind...

In the end, Gym Ninja grew fed up of hitching up her wayward Heart Rate Monitor (which had now encouraged her bootleg bottoms to start gaping at the waist too making for a drafty experience) so headed home. But she missed her turning and found herself faced with a herrruge steep road to run back up. Great. Two older men stood by, doing the staring thing with interest to see whether GN would actually run up the mountainous road, or cheat & walk. How could Gym Ninja resist the challenge. RUNNNNNNNNNNNN of course!

So uphill Gym Ninja ran, (on her tippy toes to begin with at the steepest point), hand hitching up the Heart Rate Monitor, lungs half full of volcano and an audience of pensioners willing her to fail.

'Eat my volcanic dust OAPS!' Thought Gym Ninja as she powered up the hill to the top.

Then it was a 5 minute run up lesser hills to her home. Luckily no children had scrambled in front of her for the entire 50 minutes..that was until she was 2 minutes away from her house. Cue small toddle wearing a hoodie that obscured his vision, hurtling towards GN on a scooter(the foot scooter not a moped!). His father walked a mile behind (as fathers do-no sense of danger when a child runs or scoots on ahead have they?) watching the scootery spec that was his son aim himself at Gym Ninja. A quick swerve into the road (risking death by a passing car) meant GN managed to avoid a collision with the child, before rounding the corner and arriving home.

So, after stretching out and quaffing the Maximuscle Promax shake (yes, it is still important to fuel the muscles after a cardio session-it's not just for weight training) Gym Ninja went and showered, smug in the fact that she'd started her Sunday in a way her body would thank her for in many years to come...

Aww, didn't that last bit sound like a naff conclusion to a cr*p novel?

See you back here tomorrow. No slacking!

Gym Ninja x

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Saturday Fizzler?

So, Saturday dawned with Gym Ninja being made fully aware of the fact that her usual Saturday Slaughter Session would be different due to the fact that the Spin Instructor was absent.  This meant a later start (8am) to her Saturday but with the same intentions to perform well at the gym. Also, after the gym, GN needed to go collect her printed Gym Tops that were supposed to have been ready to collect Thursday and yet for some reason were not ready.  Busy busy!

However unfortunately Gym Ninja was incredibly tired. This may have been due to the very late night courtesy of an online photography 'bank', whereby stock photos can be selected and purchased for any requirement? Gym Ninja had decided to start browsing images for her website and brochures at about 11.30pm Friday night and all too soon it was gone 1am and Gym Ninja needed to get to bed! Sometimes it's hard enough to motivate yourself to train, but when you sabotage your own efforts by staying up late? Well that's just stupid. Gym Ninja was stupid. Oh, and tired...!

At the gym, Gym Ninja began her warm up on a X Trainer whilst having a sly 'perv' at a guy on the cable machine.

"Hmm, he looks kind of nice.." Mused Gym Ninja as she watched his muscles flex as he worked the cables...then....NO!
The guy had just slobbered all down his own chin as he leaned down to change the weight pin. EWWWWWWWWW!

Next was the run. Gym Ninja switched on the treadmill, did a minute of walking and switched it off. Not in the mood. Maybe the Stairclimber was what was needed? Yep, the Stairclimber!

Gym Ninja reached the Stairclimbers only to find they were all taken. Grr. OK, back to a X Trainer then. 3 minutes of the X Trainer and.... nope! The late night had taken it's toll. PACK IT IN! So that's what GN did. Best to use what energy Gym Ninja DID have in order to lift weights instead.  Time for Upper Body!!!!

Now the workout was OK. Not too shoddy, but not exactly on fire. Learn from Gym Ninja and do NOT skimp on sleep. Never underestimate how it can affect your fitness regime (leaving you too tired to train hard) and in some cases, affect your nutrition (being tired makes it easier to reach for sugary snacks-albeit GN managed to resist that today!)

Once the workout had finished, Gym Ninja went to shower. Having unloaded her bag from the locker in order to grab her towel and shower stuff, Gym Ninja turned around (to stuff her bag back into the locker before walking to the shower area) only to discover a padlock on her locker! Whilst her back had been turned, someone had decided that the locker was empty (which technically it was...) and used it! FFS, is nothing sacred?

Cautiously avoiding the shower cubicle with the dodgy lock (remember the 'there's a woman trapped in the shower cubicle' incident earlier in the week?) Gym Ninja freshened up and then returned to get be met by the weird sight of a woman trying to put her knickers on whilst concealing her body with a towel...

Now, there are two ways in which to do this.

1. Ideally, ensure the towel is tucked in firmly around your body and then gracefully step into your underwear, slowly sliding it up and on. Nothing flashed at anyone and job done.  

Then...THEN *sigh* there is the second way of doing this. The way that this woman was...

2. LOOSELY fasten towel around body, ensuring it is not quite secure enough meaning you do the rapid hand dance (whereby one's hand reaches up to the top of the towel to stop it slipping, then back down, and then up a repetitive motion). Step into underwear, hauling it upwards, catching the back of the towel which will then move upwards at the same time as your underwear, slowly exposing your bottom to the world. Realise that this is happening and quickly pull towel down. This then means the top of the towel starts to slip, so you have to whip your hand back up again to tighten the towel. Once this is done, grab BOTH sides of your knickers and haul them up, whilst turning knees out to the side, legs wide as if you are straddling a supermarket trolley, before shifting your weight from one leg to the other, in a side-to-side waddle as you position your underwear. Finish with a final leap of the ground as the knickers reach their location. 

Hmm...which is better do you think?

Once dressed, Gym Ninja pootled off to the Print Shop to collect the 3 tops (that were being printed with the Personal Trainer signage and logos) before going to visit her first client. That'd be the tops that were supposed to be ready for collection Thursday afternoon.

As Gym Ninja walked into the Print Shop, Girl Printer greeted her with a big smile.

"Hi! That was good timing!" She announced.

YAY! That can only mean the tops are ready surely? But Gym Ninja walked to the desk, there on it were the three BLANK tops, with the wording still in the special clear plasticky stuff they use to print it on. She'd only just begun to print them!

As she positioned the wording, Girl Printer started to ask questions about how Gym Ninja got into fitness & was surprised to hear that GN used to HATE exercise/sport at school. This followed a chat about horrid PE Teachers, being last when teams were picked, how hockey was fun purely because you could smack the fit girls in the leg with the stick etc.  Then Gym Ninja explained how effective weights are for getting in shape. Girl Printer was intrigued.

"How can I get rid of this then?" She said, gesturing to her tummy area.  And so began a brief yet informative (well GN thinks it was) chat about how muscle creates a metabolic furnace in the body, and why sugar is a very dangerous thing to eat in terms of encouraging fat storage around the abdomen, plus the associated insulin spikes/slumps that ensue. Girl Printer seemed fascinated. Great. Less of the fascination and more of the printing of the tops please!

Printer Man appeared from the back room for a chat. Great. Maybe if there was less chat then there may be more printing done?  As he was talking, a large rotund man waddled into the shop. He obviously knew the staff and started to chat.

"I'm just going to nip out for a bad cigarette. Oooh, evil & really bad of me I know!"  Said Printer Man, looking sheepishly at me.

"Look, I never said anything about you smoking did I? Why tell me?" Gym Ninja replied.

"Well, you just have that look that makes me feel guilty!" He admitted. "It was like the time when she grassed me up for eating the burger when you were in here last", Gesturing to his fiance, Girl Printer, who smirked at him.

The Rotund Man patted his belly and announced..
"I eat burgers ALL the time!"

Printer Man stared at him. "Yeh we can see that! You need to hire her, she's a Personal Trainer!" 


With that, Gym Ninja gathered up her newly printed tops and set out to the car park.  Quickly lowering the vest top she had on, Gym Ninja pulled on one of the newly printed tops ready to arrive at her clients house for a Consultation. As her head popped out of the top, she was greeted by the stares of a taxi driver who'd just pulled up next to her car.


Right, that's your lot for today. More tomorrow. Gym Ninja appears to be one day behind in her blogs so tomorrow will be about today's outdoor run.

Toodle pip

Gym Ninja x

Saturday, 17 April 2010

Stressy Ninja

So, yesterday (or Thursday in case GN never gets around to posting this on time) was the very last day of Gym Ninja's two week break from the day job she hates so much.  Yep, an odd day to start work again (that'd be Friday) but Gym Ninja did it for psychological reasons...dread going back to work? Well choose a Friday and TADAAAA! It's the weekend already!

It was also Gym Ninja's older sister's birthday so a family day was planned. It started off well....everyone meeting up in M&S (as Gym Ninja's grandfather is a creature of habit & won't be swayed from his 10am M&S cup of tea and toasted teacake ritual). But suddenly, Gym Ninja's mobile phone rang. It was a colleague (the fitness-orientated partner in crime). A WORK colleague ringing on Gym Ninja's last day off work. NO WAY was GN gonna answer the call so switched it off quickly....but it had dampened GN's mood somewhat.

By lunchtime Gym Ninja was ready to switch the phone back on...and just as she did so, yet another call (& voicemail) came through from the work colleague. AHHHR! That was it. Crash went the  mood, and as the day progressed, Gym Ninja got more & more grumpy.

At her sister's house, Gym Ninja watched as Sister Ninja opened her birthday presents. Her husband (and yes he is still alive after giving his wife these gifts) bought Sister Ninja a Davina Exercise DVD and an Ab Wheel. Sister Ninja does no exercise whatsoever (not to be confused with the other Sister Ninja who has now started to train for the Race For Life under Gym Ninja's watchful eye).

"What does this do?" Asked SIster Ninja waving the Ab Wheel at her husband.

"It works your abs, AND your arms" He said.

"No it doesn't! How can it possibly work your arms? You don't know WHAT you are talking about!" Scoffed Sister Ninja

"Listen to the expert, I'm telling you it does" He replied, as she then immediately responded with 'I'm more of an expert than you are..."

Gym Ninja sat there. Incredulous.

"Excuse me! If you'd both like to stop and actually ASK an expert then by all means ask me. I do have a Diploma in Personal Training remember?" Gym Ninja was marginally amused yet mostly annoyed that she had to remind them of this fact.

Sister Ninja and her husband looked over at *grumpy* Gym Ninja, looked at each other & continued to bicker.

Struggle on your own then!

By 6pm Gym Ninja was in a foul mood and so decided to take advantage of the fact the Fab Spin Instructor was taking a 1 hour class later that evening, so sent herself packing to the gym. May as well sweat out the annoyance of impending return-to-work day eh? But the mood came with Gym Ninja.

Oh FINE! Bend over naked in front of Gym Ninja. Just what a grumpy girl wants to see...a bid white wobbly moon of a bottom winking back at her as she turns a corner in the changing rooms.  FFS, do NOT bend when naked. Put everything you need at eye level BEFORE stripping. Then there is no need to blind innocent Ninjas as they walk into the changing rooms. Grr

Into the Spin Studio strode Gym Ninja. Luckily for EVERYONE, Gym Ninja's usual bike was free. Good!

*stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp* Over to her bike went Gym Ninja.

The class was fairly busy. Gym Ninja rarely does a 7pm Spin Session and so it was a mix of the usual regulars from a Saturday Slaughter Spin Class (same instructor attracts the same crowd) and some people GN didn't recognise.  One of the regulars who has now become a tad 'mouthy' was there...a woman who now appears to think it may actually be HER spin session she inputs that much audibly into every session...! everyone went. Now there's something about a late evening Spin session that leaves Gym Ninja a tad lacking in enthusiasm/energy. Most annoying. Gym Ninja also knew that she could work harder and yet...nope, it just wasn't coming easy today.

But then it happened....the instructor hopped off her bike, switched the LIGHTS off (by that, GN means the spotlight that is the only light in the room) and started to walk around in the total dark, inbetween the rows of bikes whilst everyone did a standing hill climb in time to the beat.

"Whatever you do, stick to the beat. DO NOT stop keeping in time with the beat" She bellowed as she strode between the bikes.

Gym Ninja kept to the beat. And then....then she walked right past Gym Ninja, whacked up the resistance by 3 turns and cackled evilly.


HOW GN sweated and struggled to stick to the beat. The resistance was now ridiculously high, so that GN was now sticking to the off-beat yet refusing to lower the resistance. After all, GN needs the challenge.
Push, push push push and....AHHHR! She'd walked past again, adding another turn to the resistance wheel. Gym Ninja was now by far the person with the most resistance on the wheel, but do you know what? She kept going. Why? Because sometimes you need someone to motivate you. To push you harder than you can push yourself. Some days you can do the trick yourself. But on a day such as this one, the instructor knew that GN had it in her to work harder so made her do it.

By the end of the class Gym Ninja knew she'd worked hard enough to sweat out any last minute 'sleep-depriving' worries about the return to work, & so left the gym, leaving behind her bad mood and taking away an endorphin rush.

So you see? The gym doesn't only help improve fitness, burn fat, shape bodies and boost your mood. It is also a place to dispose of a foul bad tempered mood. Yet another reason to get off your backside and go eh?

See you tomorrow, when GN will regale you with Saturday's workout and other such events..

Gym Ninja x