Thursday, 29 April 2010

Hollow Legs

Today Gym Ninja had hollow legs.
Couldn't stop eating!
Not that Gym Ninja ever goes longer than 3 hours without eating, but today it was a veritable food-fest! Nom Nom! Greedy Gym Ninja!

The day started off extra early thanks to one of Gym Ninja's cats bounding across her head as a 'short cut' across the bedroom, and this meant Gym Ninja found herself scheduling in an impromptu 'check the tyre pressure' of the Blandmobile  on route to her appointment at the opposite side of the UK. LOTS of driving ahead....! Boo hiss.....

Of course it wouldn't be a work day without a list of impossible tasks from her Muppet Manager. Today's list went as follows (with admittedly some artistic license):

1. To cover the building at her first appointment completely in tinfoil (excluding the Blue Badge Parking Bay Area).

2. To obtain a slice of the left earlobe belonging to Princess Michael of Kent.

3.  To soap down the Thames Estuary Flood Defence Barrier with a mild carbolic mix

4.  To weave a medium sized basket out of butterfly wings (Red Admiral wings excluded).

No WONDER Gym Ninja found herself eating her mid-morning snack of a Promax Diet Bar by 8.55am!

A news story on the Radio caught Gym Ninja's ear as she drove. It was about a teacher, a dumbbell and a pupil.

"Oooh, sounds interesting?" Thought Gym Ninja, pricking up her ears ready for an informative exercise-related news clippet.

But no.
Not 'quite' the exercise news article she'd anticipated.


Yep, turns out the guy was cleared, despite what he shouted (and to be fair, Die Die Die is usually a clue that someone is trying to kill you surely?) and despite the fact he fractured the poor boy's skull.  Remarkable!

Gym Ninja briefly pondered what could be an opportunity if her, a dumbbell and Muppet Manager were in the same room......?

After her appointment (and item 2 of the daily tasks had been crossed off the list-flighty little madam is Princess Michael of Kent!) Gym Ninja spotted this gaggle of pregnant men waddling across the road...

See how the trousers sit below the belly, thus 'tricking' the wearer into thinking he is still fitting the same size trousers as when he was younger?

Marvel how the fabric of the shirts strains against the belly.

Oh and imagine how the middle guy is probably known as the 'skinny one' out of the three........

Oh dear. This storage of fat on the belly area is not healthy and puts these guys at risk of heart disease, furring of the arteries, and all manner of illnesses, cancers, diabetes, etc......................

Gym Ninja stopped for lunch. Tuna salad (hell, Gym Ninja doesn't get paid until tomorrow OK so cut her some slack with her 'samey' lunch) and a small fruit selection afterwards. Then she nipped into a local Tesco and snaffled up a couple of Maxitone Crisp bar thingies-whatever they are known as? White versions of the Promax Crisp bar-you know the ones? 

Within the hour one had been scoffed! Hollow legs! Then followed HOURS of driving homeward bound, interspersed with phone calls to friends (one call actually had a whole 15 minutes of chat dedicated to the merits of various brands of protein bars), plus the obligatory 'Whereareyouandwhatareyoudoingnow' Checking Up call from Muppet Manager. He also needed to add the last task of the day which was...

5.  To make a pair of waterproof shoes from a cows udder and half a tablespoon of Marmite. 


Nearing home, Gym Ninja stopped at Sports Direct store to see if there were any bargain items of clothing for her photoshoot. GODDAM you photo shoot. Why coincide to a time when Gym Ninja has hollow legs? Anyhow, out of the car she tottered (stupid tightening of the hip flexors) and into the store. Very soon GN had picked up 4 cropped tops to try on. Now, have you EVER tried on stuff at this store? The changing rooms are as follows:

1 meter to the left of the main queue for the cashier.

Teeny tiny and lit with a nasty harsh spotlight

Made with a door that doesn't stretch the whole length of the doorway and instead merely covers the torso, exposing the head and legs of the person getting changed. 

In Gym Ninja went and shut the door. On the mirror was a big sign that screamed:

Oh great! Gym Ninja is now streaming live to Chat Roulette most likely.......

Gym Ninja started to get undressed, and then became painfully aware of a very TALL man standing in the queue less than a meter away. That'd be a tall man who could most definitely see OVER the half-door of the spotlit changing room and peek at Gym Ninja's half naked image reflected in the mirror  (unless of course he'd prefer to go online and view it completely courtesy of the hidden security cameras?) 


Gym Ninja felt as if she were getting undressed in the middle of the store. Technically, she Gym Ninja crouched down and continued to try on the crop tops, all FAR too small to contain GN's boobs. Oooer!

Quickly putting her black skirt suit back on, Gym Ninja noticed a white  melted piece of Maxitone bar stuck in the middle of the skirt. 


The Clumsy Fairy had nipped back to see Gym Ninja again and kindly stuck on a dodgy bit of white stickiness right in the lap of Gym Ninja's black skirt. Thank you Clumsy Fairy! Thank you SO much! 

So Gym Ninja headed home. Tired, sulky, not having managed to locate any Marmite to finish off the cows udder shoes she'd been told to make, and without stopping off at the gym to burn off the 63 days worth of calories she'd scoffed. 

Once home, Gym Ninja trod on a parcel that had been pushed through the door...(DAMN YOU Clumsy Fairy!). T'was a pair of camouflage pants ordered from eBay (possible GI Ninja theme for the gym shoot you see). Wahey! 
Gym Ninja opened the packet.


It would appear someone has sent DOLL-SIZED pants. Holy schmoly! How will Gym Ninja fit her arse into these? Hollow Leg Curse, how Gym Ninja also hates you tooooooo!

Gym Ninja tried them on. Yeh they fitted OK, but the hormonal eating of today made GN feel a tad squashy and bloated in them. But then..*PING!*

No, the elastic didn't break!

Gym Ninja instantly developed an anti-binge device.

Ladies, grab the summer bikini or shorts you plan on wearing soon and put it on.
Feel a tad guilty for your latest binge eating episode.
Stay IN the clothing for the remainder of the binge period.

No need to thank GN!

Right, tune in tomorrow as GN may well be feeding back on a recipe for protein bars she has stolen from another blog (and yes she will link everyone to it as that person is a star if these babies taste nice) and it's a 'maybe' as GN is about to make them after logging off.

Gn may also be reviewing FOOD INC, the docufilm (again, GN has yet to start watching it)

Now....bugger off please and let GN find that Marmite and finish off the last task of Muppet Manager's to-do list........

Gym Ninja xx