Monday, 30 August 2010

The Gym Gods

Happy Bank Holiday.

Gym Ninja has been a tad busy (aka 'slack') hence the lack of blogging, but feels you need a Bank Holiday blog to cheer you all up. Saves you stuffing cake or other treats down your neck, as now you don't have to. You have this to read.  Gym Ninja spoils you all, she really does.

Let us blog about an earlier workout last week eh? Why not. Just because Gym Ninja was slack on the blogging front this doesn't mean she ended up skipping the gym. Nosireebob she didn't. Business as usual.   So with her bag packed off Gym Ninja went to her second home.

Arriving at the gym, Gym Ninja stepped all of five steps into the gym before managing to jam herself in the turnstile. To clarify, it was the gym bag that snagged on the turnstile and jammed it and in no way any part of Gym Nina's body that messed up the graceful entrance into the club.  Of course GN had to panic and try and drag herself through for a minute or two, whilst being firmly chained into position in a 'you're not going anyway' kind of a way. Gym Ninja is certain the person behind her watching the poor mans Houdini show was rather relieved when Gym Ninja did manage to pop herself out (in a turnstile-related way and not a wardrobe malfunction way).

The day before, Gym Ninja had dined out at the place that sends Chickens into a cold sweat. Nandos.  Not only that, she'd been a tad 'pig faced-ish' and ordered a giant Macho Pea dish along with a whole chicken. Quite remarkable that whole chickens now consist of 4 legs and no body? Anyhow, this meant that Gym Ninja needed to work this sucker off, as nobody loves a Fat Ninja now do they?

With the lycra in place, Gym Ninja stomped over to the treadmill, warmed up and decided to get straight down to business and fire off some cardio. Again, just to remind you people who mutter about doing weight training before cardio, Gym NInja has tried this way too and her body responds better to cardio first, with the weights as the proverbial iron carrot at the end as her reward.

SPRINT INTERVALS!  Sprint intervals to make your eyes water and any remnants of the 4-legged chicken that remain undigested want to pop back up. Cute! Gym Ninja is an evil girl and takes no prisoners, even herself.   After 30 minutes of work, it was time to sponge herself down & check the area for regurgitated chicken beaks (apologies to anyone using the treadmill after that particular workout) & go claim her reward. A weights session.

Unfortunately, The Gym Gods did not want Gym Ninja to have a productive session without distraction. A productive session WITH distractions yes. That was on the cards, and within 5 minutes of weight training Gym  Ninja was met with her first distraction.

PC Plod.

Yes, Gym Ninja has mentioned this girl before. She rocks up in what Gym Ninja would class as a 'decorating outfit'. The kind of clothes most people wear to emulsion their homes in? Old baggy worn out grey marl jogging bottoms and a faded black slightly shrunken Rock band Tour Date T Shirt.  Of course Gym Ninja doesn't decorate in such outfits. No!!! Gym Ninja wears cute little shorts, legwarmers and a strappy top when decorating, as the less fabric about the better seeing as GN tends to always manage to step into/sit in/back into the paint....  

So, where were we? Ah yes, PC Plod. She was busy rattling off what could only be classed as 'Ello Ello Ello' knee bends. Feet about 6 inches apart, toes turned out, dumbbells in either hand making rapid shallow knee bends. We're talking about 2-3 knee bends per second for about 50 reps, before stopping and repeating again.  Great. Rapid faffy movements that catch the corner of Gym Ninja's eye when she's trying to push heavy dumbbells above her head. Marvelous!!!!

Looking away and trying to refocus on her own workout, Gym Ninja was then met with the sight of Smurf. A  girl who was working out whilst wearing a pink Smurf Hat.


Is that actually necessary?

Be gone Smurf! You are also too distracting as now Gym Ninja is too busy wondering what made you see that lying on the shelf in a shop & want to pick it up? Not only that, what then made you decide to put it on your head, in full view of other shoppers? Oh and to actually THINK it was a good look for you? For anyone? Even the Smurfs are hard pushed to pull that look off and they are cartoons.

Gym Ninja screwed her eyes up momentarily to block out the Smurf, and then opened them again....only to be met with.........


She'd walked over to the space in front of Gym Ninja whilst GN was too busy being dramatic and screwing her eyes up, & was now busy taking away the dumbbells that Gym Ninja was super-setting with.  None of this 'Are you using these' malarkey from Smurf. Oh no. The dumbbells were obviously hers to claim. Bloody Smurfs!

Not content with these two distractions, The Gym Gods offered up the next distraction. The Mimic. Now The Mimic is just that. A person who copies every single move you do about 10 seconds after you begin your set, like a weight training echo. So now we had there areas Gym Ninja could not look. The PC Plod area, the Smurf area and now The Mimic area. Pffft!

Any more things on offer Gym Gods?

Why of COURSE there were. Cue Daisy Duke. The girl in the shortest shorts ever created and seemingly hellbent on performing deadlifts (with poor form too). Whoa!
Nobody needs to see your stuffing Miss Daisy Duke! Put it away!

Sadly, Gym Ninja had to run the gauntlet of distractions whilst trying to crank out her own workout.  PC Plod, Smurf, The Mimic and now Daisy Duke, all  circling Gym Ninja and making it exceedingly difficult to concentrate without catching sight of one of them. It was with great relief that finally Gym Ninja completed her session, stretched out to finish and made her way from the gym.

But the Gym Gods had one last distraction in store.


Roadkill was just lying there, supine, in the middle of the floor, outstretched and motionless.  Not even near the edges of the room, or tucked out of the way. Nope. Slap bang in the middle of the route out of the gym. No mat. No apparent reason for being there either.  Gym Ninja could see that Roadkill was breathing and blinking and seemingly on the floor by choice, but all the same, decided not to check on her as even if she were OK, Gym Ninja didn't particularly wish to engage in a conversation with someone who thought this would be acceptable behaviour in a public place.   Gingerly stepping around Roadkill, Gym Ninja exited the gym, managing successfully NOT to jam herself into the turnstile, whilst cursing the smirking Gym Gods for their twisted & successful attempts at distracting GN from her goal........

Now, put that GODDAM biscuit down Ninjarettes & get yourselves off to the gym today. No slacking........

Gym Ninja x

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

London Ninja Episode 2

Welcome back.
Surprised that Gym Ninja actually did post the second half without leaving you all in suspense? 
Oh ye of little faith! Gym Ninja knows none of you would sleep had you not been able to read the next thrilling installment.

So, where were we? Ah yes, Gym Ninja was sat in a very large office  having failed to remember any of the impressive things that may encourage Mr Important to offer Gym Ninja this fantastic opportunity. She had failed a 50/50 guessing game on which football team to choose and had slated the accent that Mr Important loves the most.


Casual chat followed, and Gym Ninja did end up getting on OK with Mr Important, but by the end of the meeting she also had the impression that the moment had passed... Well, when you say things like that and you realise that the notes that Mr Important were making  about you barely fill all of 4 lines in his book then you cannot be surprised when he then states what the next stage would be....and then immediately throws in the sentence,

"But that's not to say you ARE Invited back."

Yeh gee thanks. 

So with yet another damp double cheek kiss goodbye, Gym Ninja hauled her suitcase down the long flight of stairs and retraced her teetering footsteps back to the station, onto the overground, and headed back to Euston.  

Uh oh! Tube time! Now Gym Ninja had NO intention of getting on the tube in the attire she was wearing, so paid 30p to nip to the loo and do a quick 'superman' change of outfits. 

Ahh, hmm, right. Gym Ninja had forgotten that in the original packing  list there were no shoes appropriate for tube travel as tube travel was not supposed to happen. So with a wry smile, a now denim-clad Gym Ninja took off her purple 5" heels...and replaced them with some equally impractical  black 5" heels.... Now, off to battle the London Underground....

OMG what IS It with staircases in London? Gym Ninja had yet again another challenge ahead. To drag her trolley case down flights of stairs all covered in slippery London Underground tiles, MID rush hour, as Londoners were doing their mega fast hustle walk around her.  Gym Ninja  was now somewhat fearful that if she were to suddenly stop in a confused manner, then she may well end up pregnant  by the men walking far too closely behind her....

"The Black Line, The Black Line, The Black Line.....Platform 2" Chanted Gym Ninja to herself.  A train pulled up and Gym Ninja climbed on in. She managed to drag her case through the carriage and plonked herself down in an empty seat. Opposite her was a woman with eyes like saucers who was smirking at Gym Ninja. BACK OFF Crazy Saucer Eye Lady! Gym Ninja is a Northerner. No smirking necessary here. 

4 stops later and Gym Ninja had reached her stop. Again, stairs! AHHHR! Then was the 10 minute walk from the station to the hotel to tackle. Rush hour in London, trolley case doing back flips and playing dead, impossibly high heels and yet again, those bl**dy annoying car horn beeps from drivers. ENOUGH!

Finally Gym Ninja saw the hotel and stuffed herself into the TINY revolving doorway, wedging momentarily 3/4 of the way round before bursting into the reception area.  When the kindly Hotel Man offered an upgrade from Deluxe room to Suite for an additional £30, then how on earth was Gym Ninja supposed to refuse? Suite it is!

Squashing into an already full lift, Gym Ninja smugly pressed the button for 7th floor.  Pah, HOW annoying that another Lift Person was also travelling to the 7th Floor. Humph! Must have been a bulk offer on suites? But this annoyance was soon forgotten when Gym Ninja walked into her suite. A HUGE corridor, a large bathroom with 2 chrome sinks and a double power shower/steam shower, a walk in wardrobe (where Gym Ninja immediately unpacked her stuff) a king sized bed, a lounge area what appeared to be a TV from the 80s? REALLY?? No flat screen?

Now all Gym Ninja had to do was stir up a quick instant porridge in a pot using the kettle (classy huh?), make herself a cuppa using the 'brought from home' Tetley Decaf teabags (Northerner travelling essentials) and get ready to meet her friend that evening.   The friend was meeting Gym Ninja in the bar at the hotel. 

AT 8.45pm the phone rang. Reception was announcing the arrival of Gym Ninja's chum. How very grand. So Gym Ninja headed downstairs to meet him.

After greeting each other, Gym Ninja flung down her bag and took a seat. Her chum stared at Gym Ninja's bag which was a small furry handbag.

"Haha, are you liking my rabbit bag?" Joked Gym Ninja.

The guy stared back, a look of disgust on his face.

"I'm a TREE HUGGER remember. Is that SERIOUSLY a rabbit?" He scowled.

Dear GOD! Really?

Thus followed 5 minutes whereby Gym Ninja attempted (unconvincingly for the most part) to convince Tree Hugger that her handbag was in fact faux fur. Gym Ninja wasn't entirely sure he believed her even when she pointed out how terribly unlikely it was that rabbits now had plastic skin like the plastic back of the handbag... Tree Hugger looked grumpy & ever so slightly suspicious.

 After such a traumatic conversational opener, Gym Ninja decided to break her teetotal habit completely with just one alcoholic drink. After all, she'd had a busy day. So what did Gym Ninja choose? A single malt. Neat. In fact, make it a double. What else would a teetotal Ninja drink eh? Mmm, tasted good after nearly a year of no booze.

Then of course there was another round, and another, and as Gym Ninja and her chum had lots to talk about (well Gym Ninja rarely goes to London), before she knew it it was 12.30am and the room had gone wobbly!  By now, Gym Ninja needed a cuppa yet the bar had closed. So herself and Tree Hugger headed to her suite to put the kettle on. Well, Gym Ninja SAYS she headed up. What in fact happened was that they both got in the lift, pressed button 7, inserted the keycard and waited.....hmm, it was taking AGES...  After a few minutes Gym Ninja noticed they were stuck at level 1. So back down they went and tried again. Nope. The lift refused to play. In the end Gym Ninja had to stagger (!) to the reception desk and ask the man at the desk to press the button in the lift for her. HOW embarrassing was that?  Let us also not forget that Gym Ninja was with a friend (Tree Hugger) who was MALE. Now the hotel staff didn't know that this was a mere friend. Nope. All they must have seen was a drunken Ninja stuffing a large drunken male into the lift to take him upstairs! :-0

The Gods of Humiliation had also yet to go to bed. How does Gym Ninja know this? Well, upon entry to the hotel suite Gym Ninja was greeted by every single light in the area switched on. The hallway lights, the bathroom lights, the lights by the bed, the lights in the lounge area, the lights over ornaments, the lights in the lounge area oh and not forgetting the lights inside the walk-in wardrobe. Not only that, the TV was still on. 


Imagine if you will Gym Ninja's chum, Tree Hugger, lover of the environment  standing in the room, opened mouthed at the sight of Gym Ninja burning up half a rainforest by accident.  Cue death Stare off the Tree Hugging another surreptitious look at the rabbit bag. Needless to say it was the fastest cup of tea Gym Ninja had ever supped before she bode farewell to Mr Grumpy Pants aka Tree Hugger.

The next morning, Gym Ninja was surprisingly hangover-free, and having packed her stuff, went to check out of the suite.  Gym Ninja was on route to meet yet another friend before heading back home. At Reception she was greeted with a smile.

"Ah Miss Ninja, did you eat at the bar last night as there is an outstanding bill that just needs to be settled?". At this, the receptionist pushed over a bill with a herrrruge number on it! 


Gym Ninja had totally forgotten that her and her chum had not paid last night and now here was the entire bar bill, and with only Gym Ninja present, guess who had to pay? Damned Tree Huggers and their non payment of bills!!!!!!

Leaving the hotel many many pounds and pennies lighter, Gym Ninja dragged the ill-behaved trolley case back across London, meeting up with her other friend for a brew.  Her friend was also a Northerner yet had sold her soul and gone to live in Laaaandan.  Despite this, she has managed to retain her humour and general grumpiness which Gym Ninja finds terribly essential in a person. Let us call this friend 'Miss Tolerant'. Should you know this friend, you'd know how terribly ironic that name is.... ;-)

Miss Tolerant and Gym Ninja sat in Starbucks, whilst Gym Ninja managed to spill and drop all tea-associated stuff before finally getting comfy on the seat.  Once the tea and gossip had occurred Miss Tolerant then suggested Gym Ninja nip to Selfridges with her before catching her train? Fab! So off they went...happily walking and gossiping until Gym Ninja's 5" heels, fed up with the challenge that is London paving stones, decided to nearly send her flying, recreating the very picture of a baby giraffe falling, much to the audible gasps from the passers by. Miss Tolerant swiftly moved out of the 'falling zone' just to be safe, before suggesting they instead jump the bus.

Holy schmoly!
The BUS?
Gym Ninja was now all panicky.
After much faffing for bus fare & general confusion and panic about being on a London Bus, the bus driver decided Gym Ninja was far too complicated and unsteady a person to be on his bus and instead waved her on for free. Result! Next stop Selfridges!

YAY! It was CHRISTMAS at Selfridges! How terribly exciting. Miss Tolerant, now skilled at the jaded Londoner face, went off to mooch whilst Gym Ninja dragged her trolley case around the Christmas Department. Ooh look, red glittery reindeer. How cute!

Gym Ninja picked up a reindeer just as Miss Tolerant returned.

"Isn't this great?" Said Gym Ninja, holding a reindeer aloft at her friend before replacing it again.


The reindeer fell on the floor, taking 3 of his sparkly friends with him.
Miss Tolerant fired off a 'For God's sake' look silently.
Gym Ninja quickly picked up the reindeer and placed them back on the display, only to trigger a reindeer domino effect as they all knocked into one another, the far reindeers disappearing off the edge of the shelf like lemmings.

"LEAVE THEM!" Hissed Miss Tolerant, dragging Gym Ninja away from the reindeer massacre.
By now, Gym Ninja had spotted a Christmas tree and was most insistent that Miss Tolerant snap a photo of her grasping a bauble. Next in Gym Ninja's line of vision was a life-sized Santa.


A photo with Santa! Gym Ninja's eyes lit up.

Seeing the look on Gym Ninja's face and predicting a Santa wrestling/knocking over and general scene-making catastrophe in the making, Miss Tolerant helpfully suggested that seeing as GN was having an attack of the Clumsies that day, perhaps it would be safer if they were to leave the photo opportunity for another time, and instead head for the Tube? So that is what they did, with Gym Ninja banging into countless fast-paced Londoners with her wayward trolley case as they aimed for the Tube Station.

 Once successfully 'tubed' back to London Euston Gym Ninja had just enough time to mooch around the Virgin First Class Lounge before catching her train. In the Lounge was a fat ginger kid, scoffing all of the freebie food. ENOUGH fat ginger kid. Is it not enough that you are ginger AND wearing a green T Shirt? Do not make it easy on the school bullies by adding to the pudginess. One biscuit is most likely enough. 25 perhaps a tad excessive...?

Eventually, Gym Ninja made it home. A 25 hour whirlwind trip to the Big Smoke, all for no successful outcome, 34 near ankle-snapping moments and a bar bill the size of an elephant. This, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why Gym Ninja rarely visits London. Sleep soundly in your beds that it may be another 2 years before she attempts a return visit....

Gym Ninja x

Saturday, 21 August 2010

London Ninja Episode 1.

Recently Gym Ninja found herself on a top secret mission to London.   Much excitement had taken place in the space of a few days, & due to the exciting nature of the opportunity that had presented itself, Gym Ninja would have to be a fool to miss out.   Thus followed many hours faffing online, visiting the Virgin Rail website to source the cheapest yet snobbiest return train ticket possible (yes, Gym Ninja prefers to travel First Class donchaknow)  and then more hours sourcing the cheapest yet snobbiest (see a pattern developing here?) hotel that would be within walking distance of the meeting venue & meet Gym Ninja's exacting demands.

FINALLY everything was booked. The train would be direct, First Class Quiet Carriage (shush everyone!) to arrive by 1pm, leaving Gym Ninja time to walk 30 minutes to meet some old work colleagues, have a nice cuppa and gossip, then walk another 30 minutes to the hotel, unpack, prepare, walk 5 minutes to the meeting which was at 6.30pm, then return to the hotel to meet a friend for the evening.  Then the following day would be another 'window' to meet another friend for a cuppa and a gossip, before walking across London to get the 2pm Virgin First Class Quiet Carriage back to Ninjaland.

PHEW!  All those whom Gym Ninja was meeting were aware of their time slots. All outfits had been prepared and everything scheduled to an inch of it's life.  Now for a leisurely breakfast before meandering to catch the train on the Big Mission To London.

Whilst Gym Ninja was cooking her mushroom egg white omelettes the telephone rang. It was the Top Secret Man From the Meeting. Aka, Mr Important. He casually wondered if Gym Ninja would be able to make it for 4pm a venue the opposite side of London? Apparently a Silverlink (or something similar sounding) train would get GN from Euston to the venue, albeit with a 15 minute walk to the building?


So, sounding casually chilled out and agreeing to the change of schedule happily, Gym Ninja went into complete meltdown upon hanging up the phone. No time to pre-plan everything!  Off came the 'travel outfit' and on went the 'meeting outfit'. Gym Ninja would not be able to change before the meeting, and having just enough time to fire off some messages letting the ex work colleagues know that tea and a gossip was now cancelled, Gym Ninja hurtled out of the door to catch her train. That'd be hurtling in purple 5" heels by the way.....!

Once on the train, Gym Ninja could relax.  Well, as much as a list-making scheduling freak COULD relax when their carefully chosen '5 minute walk to the meeting' hotel was now impossibly far away from the new meeting location and this in itself would entail a much dreaded first attempt at battling the mistress that is 'The London Underground'....

Despite being sat in front of  Cuddles The Monkey  and being drawn backwards every time the man sniffed hard, the journey was uneventful. Starvation was the only thing on the menu thanks to Virgin Trains only catering for those with a fancy to sausage or bacon rolls. The tea was like tar. Mmm.  No thank you. Then there was the 3 waves of nausea caused by Gym Ninja's inability to read and travel at the same time.   Upon arrival, Gym Ninja tottered off to the Railway Help Booth and begged the man for assistance.

"I need the 'Silver something' to THIS station & what looks like the black line to HERE. Please help me? Where do I find these trains?". Gym Ninja's eyes were all big and panicky.

The man looked amused.

"It's the Northern Line love, not the black line..." And with a grin, the man reeled off a list of platform numbers and printed out an all day return ticket. Would Gym Ninja EVER be seen again.......? He obviously didn't think so by the look on his face.

Having killed time supping on a diet Pepsi (perhaps not the best choice of tipple for someone so nervous) and plugging her iPhone surreptitiously into the wall of the bar she was sat in at the station to boost the battery, Gym Ninja eventually made her way to the overground train. The 'silver thingie'.   The phrase 'stuck out like a sore thumb' was created for such moments. The train was filled with combat/denim clad flat shoe shod folk. That'd be all except Gym Ninja who was dragging a suitcase as she tottered across the platform in the purple 5" heels and the black dress.  Of course, just in case that was NOT enough of a reason to stare at Gym Ninja, she decided to not hold on properly and stumble in a melodramatic way as the train pulled out of the station.


Once at the arrival station, Gym Ninja activated her iPhone map system and prayed for a strong signal as she began her 15 minute trek in blazing sunshine. NEVER has GN come across so many uneven paving slabs in her life. If her heels didn't catch and attempt to snap her ankle like a twig then her trolley case decided to turn on itself and start dragging, wheels-up, usually as GN was attempting to cross a road.  Of course this would not be enough humiliation. Oh no. Throw in about 4 or 5 car horn beeps and then you'll have an idea of how out of place Gym Ninja looked!

FINALLY she reached the meeting place. Great! Stairs. So, lugging the case up the stairs, Gym Ninja virtually FELL into the reception area, a fine sheen of sweat now across her face.  Again, the Humiliation Gods were smiling down on Gym Ninja today, and this meant that the Important Meeting Man wanted to do the theatrical double cheek kiss as a greeting. Yep Cop a load of that cheek sweat Mr Important!

Trying not to look exhausted and frazzled, Gym Ninja began the meeting with Mr Important feeling VERY frazzled indeed. Her memory blanked out immediately and when asked for further information that may help he get offered such an exciting opportunity, Gym Ninja came up with nothing.
This is despite Gym Ninja about to train up on a new PowerClub system that may be of interest to Mr Important, despite having an upcoming snippet published in a National Mens Fitness Magazine and also despite the fact that her photo is currently in another popular National Fitness Magazine.


Mr Important didn't look impressed. Why would he when Gym Ninja failed to tell him about the impressive stuff?  Gym Ninja would have panicked more but she was too busy wondering why her face was sweating when usually it never does? Mr Important then pushed Gym Ninja to state which was her favourite football team out of a choice of two.

"I don't follow football," Stated Gym Ninja. "I much prefer Formula One".

Mr Important wasn't having any of it.

"You MUST choose one. You must. Which one were you supporting as a child? You must have been pushed towards one? Which one is it? Red, or Blue?"

At that, Mr Important went quiet, waiting for Gym Ninja to answer.

Red or blue?
50/50 chance of saying the right thing here. Only two choices. Red or blue? Red or blue....?

"Blue!" Announced Gym Ninja, confidently.

*cue tumbleweed accompanied by a crushing heavy silence that lasted about 30 seconds*

"I'm a life long Red Fan Myself" Said Mr Important, his eyes cold.

Oh well that's just marvelous isn't it?  Bye bye fantastic opportunity. Gym Ninja may as well take her big sweaty face and impossibly high purple shoes out of the room right now!

Mr Important decided to change the subject.

"So, you don't have a regional accent. Why is that?" He enquired.

Gym Ninja, grateful for the change of subject, replied "Well technically I only live near that region, I used to travel a lot so picked up other peoples accents and anyway, who wants a horrid accent like that?" At this, Gym Ninja screwed up her face in disgust.

"I love that accent." Replied Mr Important.


*Taxi for Gym Ninja*

 Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting Episode of London Ninja.....

Gym Ninja x

Friday, 20 August 2010


OK, so you all came back the next day but Gym Ninja didn't. Forgive GN please.

Just for the record, Sunday Slaughter followed Saturday Slaughter, all again with the aid of a well chewed piece of Buzz Gum. Sunday was the last Spin Session with the good instructor that would happen for 3 whole weeks, as she was off on her jollies, leaving sub-standard Spin Instructors to babysit the group.    Pah!

As Gym Ninja was setting up her usual spin bike, a voice broke the silence. The voice came from the row behind & was aimed towards Gym Ninja...

"Does your coccyx hurt?" 

Gym Ninja looked up and noticed that this sentence came from a woman sat motionless on the bike behind her. 

"Excuse me?'" Questioned Gym Ninja. After all, it's not your usual conversational opener is it?

"Does your coccyx hurt from doing Spin? Mine does. Not all the time, but lately it does."

The woman beamed at Gym Ninja whilst rubbing her lower back and doing a fake comedy grimace.

Gym Ninja shook her head. "Sorry no, mine doesn't."

Not sure why GN felt the need to apologise for this fact? Maybe she hates to disappoint people? But nope. No coccyx rubbing necessitated here.  Now, you'd think there would be nowhere to go with that conversation? Indeed there wasn't, but that wasn't an obstacle for Coccyx Lady. Oh no. 

"I like your skin!"


Gym Ninja did a forced smile. 

"Where are you from? You're tanned right?

Gym Ninja then explained about the benefits of gradual tanning body lotion and the fact she is English born and bred. But no. No. This was not enough for Coccyx Woman.

"Really? You are? Oh."

*cue disappointment and a small silence from Coccyx Woman*

"What about your parents? Where are they from? You're not foreign at all? Really? Oh. Oh well you look Egyptian!" 

At this, Coccyx Woman then diverted her gaze, leaving Gym Ninja free to continue her pondering as to why she always attracts oddballs?

Talking of which, as if by magic, Dangly appears.

"You were quick to bin me off yesterday when that guy came over to talk to you eh? EH? Did you go to the wedding with him? Surprised you even made it in!!!!!"


How to be chastised by someone you  barely know and haven't even reason for the chastisement. After much questioning it turned out that Dangly felt he had been cast aside in favour of Lanky the day before. Gym Ninja had to explain that she actually did know Lanky already, he was not just a random who had walked in and started talking to her, that technically it was DANGLY himself who had swanned off in a huff for no apparent reason and also that the wedding Lanky had invited GN to attend Saturday night with him was NEVER gonna have been an option. 

Phew! Sunday Spin hadn't even started yet and already Gym Ninja felt like she'd been through it! Not sure when various gym members decided that they owned the rights to Gym Ninja, but apparently this was the case. Gym Ninja instead decided to distract Dangly with a question...

"I was talking to Lisa yesterday, the woman who sits on that bike there? She says she always thought I was married to a rich man!" Gym Ninja then cracked out her wide-eyed 'can you believe that' look. 

Good conversational changer huh?

Dangly stared back at Gym Ninja.

"Well you are aren't you?" He replied. "That's what I heard too."

OK, so now Gym Ninja then had to explain that this was not true, before deciding it was now best to focus on the upcoming spin session and quit talking to other people before she goes insane....

After Spin Gym Ninja went to peer down on the hydropool to double check the type of person sat in there before she made the decision whether to spend 10 minutes in there herself. A quick glance through the window and Gym Ninja's head snapped straight back around again at what she THOUGHT she had seen.

Was that really a topless woman in the hydropool?????

Looking again, Gym Ninja realised here eyes had been playing tricks on her and it was merely an ample chested man with moobs.  Nearby were a tubby couple who were using the hydropool as some sort of chlorinated foreplay. Tubby Guy was standing with his back to the edge, arms stretched outwards along the side whilst Tubby Girl bobbed up and down in front of him in some sort of tubby dance of the seven watery veils.....occasionally Tubby Girl would then bob towards Tubby Man, rubbing herself on him, before bobbing backwards again to continue her seductive hydropool mating ritual.  Please God let that be foam from the bubble jets that is turning that water so white....


No hydropool today thank you!

That'll be your lot today Ninjarettes. Do not be greedy. It is best to return to this blog in small manageable bites rather than to gorge yourself silly on reams of ramblings. We don't want you getting stomach ache now do we?

Gym Ninja x

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Death Stare

Gym Ninja had a devil of a job to get into the 'Saturday Slaughter' mode today. Perhaps this was in some way related to the fact she'd managed to rack up all of 3 and a half hours of sleep before the alarm blared out?

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The usual Pre workout Diet Emerge Enegy drink may well fail, so for a back up, Gym Ninja scoffed a piece of the aptly named 'GoGo Guarana Buzz Gum'.  Now of you look at the link you will see it states it is 'fresh mint'. Gym Ninja would like to point out that the fresh mint flavour lasts all for 11 seconds, only to then be replaced by wet dog taste. However, persevere as it is indeed a non-jitter-inducing buzz.  At that, Gym Ninja went to the gym with her big wide bushbaby!

Heading in to the Spin Studio, GN was pleased to see that Dangly had saved her the usual bike. He nodded hello and then berated Gym Ninja for not attending last week.
Dangly KNEW Gym Ninja was training clients last weekend. Pfft!    Much chat the occurred, quite possibly due to  Buzz Gum. Gym Ninja is not kidding when she says it perks you up people!

Dangly was busy gossiping about last week's sessions & how he'd moved to 'The Dark Side' and sat with Team 1. Mouth the loud mouthed woman with the big....lungs... *ahem* is on Team 1. She welcomed him as per usual into the fold. Dangly loves how she won't come near when Gym Ninja is about, as if GN's invisible force field protects them, yet when GN is not about, Mouth is all over him like a rash.

"It's because she probably thinks you are Team Two leader" He Surmised.
"You're Gary Glitter!"

Gym Ninja then cracked open her Death Stare.

Gary Glitter.
That'd be the notorious pedophile leader of the gang yeh?

"He was a pedo" Pointed out Gym Ninja, the Death Stare boring a hole in between Dangly's eyes.

Dangly looked sheepish.
"Er, yeh ok point taken, bad choice of words..."

The lights went down, the music cranked up and off everyone went. Buzz Gum fuelled, Gym Ninja's legs went like the clappers. GoGo Ninja!

Now all get yourselves down to Holland & Barrett and stock up on this stuff, as GN had the best spin session in a long time. All on 3 and a half hours sleep too. Remarkable!  After the session Dangly insisted Gym Ninja walk a circuit of the indoor running track with him so he could continue his gossiping. After 10 minutes there was a..


Wow. How loud. Gym Ninja turned to see who was interrupting and lo and behold it was Lanky. Do you remember Lanky? Tall lanky guy (obviously the clue is in the name) who did the old 'I breathe through my ears *wink wink*' line?  Dangly curled his lip and stomped off.

"How ya doing matey? Not seen you for ages! How's the job?"

Gym Ninja explained about the firing (or fondant fancy as it was referred to if you recall?) & Lanky nodded his head sympathetically.

"Tell ya what I'd do!" He began, his eyes all big.

Hmm, maybe he too had tried Buzz Gum?

"When I was in Ibiza there was a yacht with the son of a Prince on it. Big fat guy he was, who's dad gave him £50k per month to spend. Every day there'd be 2 or 3 girls go on board. They'd stay, shag him and then the next day get paid £1500 each. Do THAT! That'd be great. You could retire in 5 years!"

At this, Lanky beamed.

Gym Ninja wondered if Lanky could hear the whirring sound of The Death Stare locking into the target? Nope. No, he didn't see it coming.

*fires Death Stare*

Making her excuses, Gym Ninja returned to the changing rooms, and spent a good 2 minutes trying to ram her key into the lock. After 2 minutes Gym Ninja concluded that her lock was actually the one 2 doors down, moved across and opened the correct locker. Turning around, Gym Ninja narrowly missed a Death Stare from a butch girl who was glaring at her. Ooops. Gym Ninja had been trying to open HER lock by accident!  Damned Buzz Gum was now confusing Gym Ninja. Time to quaff her Promax shake, hit the shower and make a swift exit....

Back here tomorrow Ninjarettes. No excuses (unless of course it is Gym Ninja making the excuse!). Sunday Slaughter Session is gonna be Buzz Gum Fuelled too!!!!!!

Gym Ninja

Thursday, 12 August 2010

Muppet Call

Yesterday Gym Ninja received a call on her iPhone from an unrecognisable mobile number.


Curious. Gym Ninja picked up.

"Hi, this is Muppet. You sent in your CV regarding working as a Personal Trainer for us here at Cheap as Chips Health Club? I'm just ringing to let you know we have a vacancy and are you still interested?"

Gym Ninja went quiet. Oh yes, she remembers Muppet and his gym. If you recall, about 4 months ago Gym Ninja had arranged an interview with the Cheap as Chips Muppet Manager re working freelance from his Health Club as a PT. GN had gone out of her way to get there on time and when she turned up, nobody knew where Muppet was or why Gym Ninja was there. In fact, it took nearly 45 minutes for the staff to get hold of another manager (as Muppet's mobile was switched off) only to discover he'd gone home to wait for a fridge to be delivered. CHARMING!

Anyhow, Gym Ninja allowed Muppet to finish his speech and then replied..

"Ah yes. I do remember you and your club, however I'm not interested. Not after you stood me up last time!"

*Cue awkward silence*

"Er, ah yes, I recognise your name now" Stuttered Muppet. "I think I was on holiday wasn't I?"

Gym Ninja sighed.

"No. Apparently you were at home waiting for a fridge to be delivered, despite having arranged to meet me for an interview. Oh and you hadn't bothered to tell anyone either hence me being kept waiting. So as you can imagine, I am somewhat not-so-keen on having another interviews as you may be getting a freezer delivered that day?"

Muppet spluttered into an apology and then immediately began selling his vacancy again.

"The girl is leaving for maternity and will leave 20 clients.You'd get those!"

"I'm working elsewhere now thank you" Replied Gym Ninja. "At an exclusive private studio so I'm not interested. To be honest I had originally been wary as your chain of clubs has such a bad reputation in the industry".

Muppet was taken aback. "WHY?" He barked.

Was it too obvious if Gym Ninja sighed again?

"It's well known amongst the Graduates of MY particular Certificate provider that your chain of health clubs rarely support their Personal Trainers and go through them like a dose of salts. I attended a Fit Pro lecture where we were told only 2% of your trainers are ever fully booked."

Well, Muppet didn't like this one jot!  He exploded down the phone at Gym Ninja, reeling off statistics about how his PTs were booked at 7am, 8am, 9am, 10am.... (by now Gym Ninja had spotted the pattern so wondered why he carried on regardless...?)

Gym Ninja allowed him to burn himself out and then stepped in..

"These PT sessions that are booked. Are they paid sessions........?" 

Gym Ninja raised an eyebrow as she said this. Pointless obviously being at the other end of the phone, however it was all for the added drama, as Gym Ninja knew full well the answer that was coming.

"No. They are free ones but the PT gets the chance to convert them to paying clients, and now that we lowered the monhtly membership to £10 we're getting busy"

Yeh, busy with cheapskates who pay £10 a month and get freebie PT!

"Really?  Well you can understand after last time when you stood me up why I am so reluctant to come and see you again, especially with your reputation with PTs"

"Yes but I was on holiday wasn't I? I do apologise for that!" Muppet repeated.


"No, you were definitely waiting for a fridge, and as I recall it took 45 minutes before someone could get through to your line manager ad find out where you were. Yep, definitely a fridge and not a holiday!"

Again, Muppet didn't like this. He changed tact...

"I train people and they pay me! Even when they haven't got much money. I trained my Missus 3 times a week when I first met her and she was broke!"

At this, Muppet went quiet. Gym Ninja definitely felt essence of 'put that in your pipe and smoke it!' from him. Most likely he was also playing a 'tadaaaa' sound on his mobile phone too...

Gym Ninja paused. Was it really too obvious for her to point out how unprofessional it is to sh*g a client? Hmmm. Nah. Too easy. It takes the fun out of the game if its too easy....(a bit like his Missus eh?)

"Look, I'm really not interested" Began Gym Ninja.

Muppet interrupted.

"Gym Ninja, feel free to ring me any time. Have a think about it. Don't feel awkward by ringing me it's OK you can".


"Oh noooo, don't you worry about that. I can assure you I will not be feeling awkward as I won't be calling. Many thanks!"

And with that, Gym Ninja hung up.

Lucky old Gym Ninja eh? Yes, she KNOWS she is a fool to turn down a job where she pays £400 a month to work out of a cheap club and have to give back to back free PT sessions to broke clients have no intention of ever hiring you as why would they when they get it for free? The very same cheapskate clients who she then needs to have sex with three times a week..... Yes, what an opportunity missed. It would appear staff also get time off for fridge and white goods deliveries too...and yet she turned it all down.....

Never mind eh? ;-)

Gym Ninja x

Tuesday, 10 August 2010


See, now Gym Ninja thought she'd finished writing this blog post and had posted it all for you to feast your eyes on. Apparently not. Gym Ninja has unintentialy STARVED all of you Ninjarettes of a blog post for 9 whole day.

9 DAYS!!!!!!!

Are you all ok?????????   OK so here was what was written yet not posted. Not even worth the wait really...oooops.............

There's nothing like committing carbicide to spur on a gym session.
Yes, Gym Ninja succumbed to an unplanned scoffing of naughty carbs...the type you shouldn't really eat unless it's post workout? The type that play havoc with your insulin levels and stuff  all the calories it can't squash into your muscles and liver into your fat cells. A one-way fast track ticket to Mr Blobby Land. Horrid evil carbs! Committing carbicide is when you accidentally (or in some cases intentionally) ingest far too many carbs at once, causing you to almost fall into some sort of coma-like trance. Well, that's what happened to Gym Ninja the other day.

Once it happened, Gym Ninja's alarm bells rang. She HAD to hit the gym and burn the goddam stuff off before it drove her into a coma, but would she be able to get there fast enough? It was a race against time!!!!!!!!!!!!  She stuffed her gym bag and then galloped to the car to hurtle to the gym. Time was of the essence, as if she fell into the coma mid drive then who knew what would happen?

OK, so perhaps Gym Ninja is being a tad dramatic, but she rarely has such episodes so her body over-reacts to this kind of thing. At Christmas last year, Gym Ninja decided her Christmas Day Treat would be a bowl of custard and she lost 3 hours of the day asleep because of it!

Once at the gym, Gym Ninja got changed and hurried herself to the treadmill. The carbs were sitting heavy in her stomach. This meant if the coma didn't get her, the partially-digested food would! It would suddenly turn into a blob of lead & as she began to exercise, the stomach would not take priority and instead the food would sit there...heavy....pulling her down, adding effort to the session...EEEEK!

And so the run began.....thud thud thud thud went Gym Ninja heavy legs, as the carbs moaned and groaned and then increased their density, making the run harder. AHHHHR damn you carbs!  But as Gym Ninja pushed herself (and you must remember the first 5-10 minutes of the workout are often the hardest), something magical kicked in...Glycogen! YAY! Thank GOD! The wonderful side-effect from carbs was the fact that Gym  Ninja had a fair old whack of glycogen  stored in her muscles and this was helping fuel the workout. At minute 13 it all turned effortless....

So began the effortless run, the type where you feel you can continue forever. Yet you don't, as you decide after a while that you are a bit bored. Who's got time to run forever? So eventually you stop. But it felt SOOOOOOOO good to burn off the nasty splurge. Sweat out the 'sin'.  So Gym Ninja's top tip of the day is, if you fall off the wagon and stuff your gob full of junk that you know will be of detriment to your regime, then the best solution is to force yourself to get out there and sweat it off you again. You can also think of it as a punishment. A gentle yet uncomfortable reminder as to why you shouldn't binge like that. Yeh it happens to everyone, but the trick is to stay on track, keep the discipline (that deserted you a moment ago) and make sure yo rectify the damage. You need to AVOID sinking further into the binge and thinking that you may as well chuck everything out of the window (except the carbs as you're too busy eating those, oh and the fatty stuff too whilst you're being bad) and spiral down into a new Mr Blobby-esque you complete with an outsized wardrobe of smocks and leggings.


Whilst sweating off the carbs Gym Ninja was entertained by Bandana Man. A heeeeruge Roider barreling along, all joints immobilized due to his immense size leaving him walking like a robot. Bandana Man was rocking the Bandana around the head look, complete with a muscle vest. A vest that is all neck and arm holes and a smattering of stretched t shirt holding the arm and neck holes together.  Yeh, best of luck with that outfit Mr Bandana Man......

Also at the gym was Bouncy Boobs. Not as exciting as you may first think though, as Bouncy Boobs was about 63 years old. She'd chosen to walk on the treadmill at a brisk pace, and whatever garment she wore under her t shirt really wasn't up to the job. Her boobs stretched from belly button in the downward motion to her collarbone in the upper motion. All undulating as she stomped onwards. In the end Gym Ninja had to ensure she couldn't see Bouncy Boobs as it was starting to trigger her motion sickness....... SUPPORT YOUR BOOBS please! They do not twang back into place once stretched.....yes, sports bras are not attractive but neither are Snoopy boobs. (Yeh, take your time thinking about what Snoopy looks like and then slowly realise what Gym Ninja means by that...)

Once in the changing rooms, Gym Ninja walked to her locker. Yet what was THIS? Some sort of barrier preventing Gym Ninja from standing by her locker. What was it?
Someone had abandoned their stinky old trainers on the bench under Gym Ninja's lockers and boy did they stink! So much so, Gym Ninja had to hold her breath, drag out her bag, run over to the other side of the changing area, then return to run the gauntlet again to get her clothes out of the locker. Eyes watering profusely and almost choking too.....

On that very visual note, Gym Ninja shall leave you all to it. Remember people, step awaaaay from the carb binge!!!!!!

Gym Ninja x

Sunday, 1 August 2010

A day of two halves...

Good weekend everyone?

Gym Ninja has been busy the past few days so will catch  up with Friday's news.

Gym Ninja had some morning appointments Friday and knew that in order to be on the '5 minutes past' train that she would have to be out of the house by half past.  Gym Ninja KNEW this. Gym Ninja couldn't afford to miss the train as then getting the later train would mean cutting things very fine. SO what does Gym Ninja find herself doing? FAFFING! Faffing meant that all of a sudden it was a quarter to, and Gym Ninja was still at home. That's 15 minutes after the time she was supposed to leave.


Gym Ninja hurtled out of the house, got in the car and drove to the train station. Seeing the train at the platform, she legged it to buy a ticket from a very bored looking Railway Employee and just about made it on the train with a couple of minutes to spare.


 As the train then departed, Gym Ninja looked at her watch. OMG! How weird? She was now actually on the earlier train than the one she'd been running late for!!!!!! So, settling down for the journey Gym Ninja relaxed.    Once GN was one slowing down for the stop away from the one she needed, she decided to grab her notebook and start making some programme adjustments. Barely noticing the stream of people walking past her, she then eventually registered the bleep bleep bleep of the doors as they began to close, and as Gym Ninja looked up...


It was the stop that Gym Ninja should be getting off at! GN leapt off the seat, grabbed her bag and leapt through the closing doors just managing to depart the train before being squashed between the doors.  What WAS it with trains today????

Gym Ninja had fun with her clients that day. They worked hard and they looked so much healthier having followed the nutritional guidance and kept up their 'homework' of exercises between sessions.  Gym Ninja walked one of her clients back downstairs and to the door, saying goodbye and then setting up camp at a booth in the bar lounge area of the hotel (where Gym Ninja's gym is located). Gym Ninja needed to finish the stuff she had begun on the train whilst waiting for the Boss Man she rented the gym space from to arrive for a meeting.

As Gym Ninja waited, she was aware of someone walking past the booth a few times. How annoying. Plenty of space! Walk elsewhere please. Pffft!  Eventually, Gym Pimp (the guy Gym Ninja pays her monthly gym rent to) arrived, sat down and started his blah blah blah in her face.

As Gym Pimp was talking, he kept glancing to his left. STOP IT Gym Pimp, that's very distracting....and yet on and on he did it, with a silly smirk on his face. In the end, Gym Ninja turned to look at what had obviously caught his attention?


Nothing other than some bloke using a small child as a table..and by that Gym Ninja means where you get the child to lean forwards slightly whilst you lean on their back and write something on a piece of paper.  Gym Ninja looked back at Gym Pimp who was grinning so hard it started to look as if he was a character off Wallace & Grommit.  Gym Pimp nodded his head sideways and grinned some more, so Gym Ninja again looked and then noticed that the man was actually writing on the child's t shirt.


"Is he famous or something?" Enquired Gym Ninja.

Gym Pimp nearly burst with excitement. Bear in mind this man was standing about an arms length away from where GN and GP were sitting.   Gym Pimp nodded!

"Who is it  then?" Sighed Gym Ninja, now slightly bored by the whole distraction.

"Joe Cole" Hissed Gym Pimp.

Now Gym Ninja ONLY knows this name because it has been in the news these past few weeks so she now knew  him to be a footballer....and of course looking AGAIN it was clear that T shirt was in fact a Liverpool football shirt he was signing. Oh.

"That's not a REAL sport though is it? Football" Announced Gym Ninja in perhaps a voice that was a tad louder than should have been considering a footballer was standing so close.

Gym Pimp looked incredulous, which Gym Ninja took as a sign that he was confused and needed further clarification.

"Well, they just prance about kicking a bit of dead cow across the grass. I much prefer rugby. THAT'S a proper sport. They smash into each other & need sheer power as well as skill. I don't see it as a sport unless they leave the pitch with their face mangled!"

Gym Pimp looked blank.

"Formula One. Now That is a sport too! Lots of skill and control as well as fitness. No dead cows being kicked on grass in that sport is there?"

At this point, Gym Ninja realised that not only was Gym Pimp not agreeing with her sentiments, but that quite possibly from the glare that was shot across from him, that perhaps someone not so very far away had also overheard the 'football isn't a proper sport' comment.


That evening Gym Ninja headed to the gym for her own quick workout session. Hill intervals on the treadmill!!!!!!  Setting the incline to the maximum gradient of 15% Gym Ninja ran and then did walking recoveries in timed intervals as she sweated like a pig for 20 minutes.  Intervals are a fantastic way to ramp up the burn and encourage the body to start tapping into the subcutaneous fat stores (that's the fat that's stored under the skin which gives you that delightful lumpy bumpy wide load look).   Over by the Squat Rack was an older couple. The guy was busy loading up the plates on the Olympic bar in readiness for his female parter to squat with. This woman must have been in her late 40s and had an AMAZING body! A body that would wipe the floor with most 20 year old girls that went to that gym. See? Squats rule! Train hard and don't be afraid of the weights ladies.    The remainder of Gym Ninja's workout ran smoothly and after frying her abs at the end of the session she took great delight in being treated to a very impressive demo of a guy performing plyometric press ups with a clap. That's where they perform a press up and as they reach the top position, they clap both hands together rapidly before then banging out another press up. Phwoah!

Mmmmm.  Gotta love health & fitness eh?

Gym Ninja x