After greeting each other, Gym Ninja flung down her bag and took a seat. Her chum stared at Gym Ninja's bag which was a small furry handbag.
"Haha, are you liking my rabbit bag?" Joked Gym Ninja.
The guy stared back, a look of disgust on his face.
"I'm a TREE HUGGER remember. Is that SERIOUSLY a rabbit?" He scowled.
Dear GOD! Really?
Thus followed 5 minutes whereby Gym Ninja attempted (unconvincingly for the most part) to convince Tree Hugger that her handbag was in fact faux fur. Gym Ninja wasn't entirely sure he believed her even when she pointed out how terribly unlikely it was that rabbits now had plastic skin like the plastic back of the handbag... Tree Hugger looked grumpy & ever so slightly suspicious.
After such a traumatic conversational opener, Gym Ninja decided to break her teetotal habit completely with just one alcoholic drink. After all, she'd had a busy day. So what did Gym Ninja choose? A single malt. Neat. In fact, make it a double. What else would a teetotal Ninja drink eh? Mmm, tasted good after nearly a year of no booze.
Then of course there was another round, and another, and as Gym Ninja and her chum had lots to talk about (well Gym Ninja rarely goes to London), before she knew it it was 12.30am and the room had gone wobbly! By now, Gym Ninja needed a cuppa yet the bar had closed. So herself and Tree Hugger headed to her suite to put the kettle on. Well, Gym Ninja SAYS she headed up. What in fact happened was that they both got in the lift, pressed button 7, inserted the keycard and waited.....hmm, it was taking AGES... After a few minutes Gym Ninja noticed they were stuck at level 1. So back down they went and tried again. Nope. The lift refused to play. In the end Gym Ninja had to stagger (!) to the reception desk and ask the man at the desk to press the button in the lift for her. HOW embarrassing was that? Let us also not forget that Gym Ninja was with a friend (Tree Hugger) who was MALE. Now the hotel staff didn't know that this was a mere friend. Nope. All they must have seen was a drunken Ninja stuffing a large drunken male into the lift to take him upstairs! :-0
Leaving the hotel many many pounds and pennies lighter, Gym Ninja dragged the ill-behaved trolley case back across London, meeting up with her other friend for a brew. Her friend was also a Northerner yet had sold her soul and gone to live in Laaaandan. Despite this, she has managed to retain her humour and general grumpiness which Gym Ninja finds terribly essential in a person. Let us call this friend 'Miss Tolerant'. Should you know this friend, you'd know how terribly ironic that name is.... ;-)
Miss Tolerant and Gym Ninja sat in Starbucks, whilst Gym Ninja managed to spill and drop all tea-associated stuff before finally getting comfy on the seat. Once the tea and gossip had occurred Miss Tolerant then suggested Gym Ninja nip to Selfridges with her before catching her train? Fab! So off they went...happily walking and gossiping until Gym Ninja's 5" heels, fed up with the challenge that is London paving stones, decided to nearly send her flying, recreating the very picture of a baby giraffe falling, much to the audible gasps from the passers by. Miss Tolerant swiftly moved out of the 'falling zone' just to be safe, before suggesting they instead jump the bus.
Gym Ninja was now all panicky.
After much faffing for bus fare & general confusion and panic about being on a London Bus, the bus driver decided Gym Ninja was far too complicated and unsteady a person to be on his bus and instead waved her on for free. Result! Next stop Selfridges!
YAY! It was CHRISTMAS at Selfridges! How terribly exciting. Miss Tolerant, now skilled at the jaded Londoner face, went off to mooch whilst Gym Ninja dragged her trolley case around the Christmas Department. Ooh look, red glittery reindeer. How cute!
Gym Ninja picked up a reindeer just as Miss Tolerant returned.
"Isn't this great?" Said Gym Ninja, holding a reindeer aloft at her friend before replacing it again.
The reindeer fell on the floor, taking 3 of his sparkly friends with him.
Miss Tolerant fired off a 'For God's sake' look silently.
Gym Ninja quickly picked up the reindeer and placed them back on the display, only to trigger a reindeer domino effect as they all knocked into one another, the far reindeers disappearing off the edge of the shelf like lemmings.
"LEAVE THEM!" Hissed Miss Tolerant, dragging Gym Ninja away from the reindeer massacre.
By now, Gym Ninja had spotted a Christmas tree and was most insistent that Miss Tolerant snap a photo of her grasping a bauble. Next in Gym Ninja's line of vision was a life-sized Santa.
A photo with Santa! Gym Ninja's eyes lit up.
Seeing the look on Gym Ninja's face and predicting a Santa wrestling/knocking over and general scene-making catastrophe in the making, Miss Tolerant helpfully suggested that seeing as GN was having an attack of the Clumsies that day, perhaps it would be safer if they were to leave the photo opportunity for another time, and instead head for the Tube? So that is what they did, with Gym Ninja banging into countless fast-paced Londoners with her wayward trolley case as they aimed for the Tube Station.
Once successfully 'tubed' back to London Euston Gym Ninja had just enough time to mooch around the Virgin First Class Lounge before catching her train. In the Lounge was a fat ginger kid, scoffing all of the freebie food. ENOUGH fat ginger kid. Is it not enough that you are ginger AND wearing a green T Shirt? Do not make it easy on the school bullies by adding to the pudginess. One biscuit is most likely enough. 25 perhaps a tad excessive...?
Eventually, Gym Ninja made it home. A 25 hour whirlwind trip to the Big Smoke, all for no successful outcome, 34 near ankle-snapping moments and a bar bill the size of an elephant. This, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why Gym Ninja rarely visits London. Sleep soundly in your beds that it may be another 2 years before she attempts a return visit....
Gym Ninja x