Monday, 30 August 2010

The Gym Gods

Happy Bank Holiday.

Gym Ninja has been a tad busy (aka 'slack') hence the lack of blogging, but feels you need a Bank Holiday blog to cheer you all up. Saves you stuffing cake or other treats down your neck, as now you don't have to. You have this to read.  Gym Ninja spoils you all, she really does.

Let us blog about an earlier workout last week eh? Why not. Just because Gym Ninja was slack on the blogging front this doesn't mean she ended up skipping the gym. Nosireebob she didn't. Business as usual.   So with her bag packed off Gym Ninja went to her second home.

Arriving at the gym, Gym Ninja stepped all of five steps into the gym before managing to jam herself in the turnstile. To clarify, it was the gym bag that snagged on the turnstile and jammed it and in no way any part of Gym Nina's body that messed up the graceful entrance into the club.  Of course GN had to panic and try and drag herself through for a minute or two, whilst being firmly chained into position in a 'you're not going anyway' kind of a way. Gym Ninja is certain the person behind her watching the poor mans Houdini show was rather relieved when Gym Ninja did manage to pop herself out (in a turnstile-related way and not a wardrobe malfunction way).

The day before, Gym Ninja had dined out at the place that sends Chickens into a cold sweat. Nandos.  Not only that, she'd been a tad 'pig faced-ish' and ordered a giant Macho Pea dish along with a whole chicken. Quite remarkable that whole chickens now consist of 4 legs and no body? Anyhow, this meant that Gym Ninja needed to work this sucker off, as nobody loves a Fat Ninja now do they?

With the lycra in place, Gym Ninja stomped over to the treadmill, warmed up and decided to get straight down to business and fire off some cardio. Again, just to remind you people who mutter about doing weight training before cardio, Gym NInja has tried this way too and her body responds better to cardio first, with the weights as the proverbial iron carrot at the end as her reward.

SPRINT INTERVALS!  Sprint intervals to make your eyes water and any remnants of the 4-legged chicken that remain undigested want to pop back up. Cute! Gym Ninja is an evil girl and takes no prisoners, even herself.   After 30 minutes of work, it was time to sponge herself down & check the area for regurgitated chicken beaks (apologies to anyone using the treadmill after that particular workout) & go claim her reward. A weights session.

Unfortunately, The Gym Gods did not want Gym Ninja to have a productive session without distraction. A productive session WITH distractions yes. That was on the cards, and within 5 minutes of weight training Gym  Ninja was met with her first distraction.

PC Plod.

Yes, Gym Ninja has mentioned this girl before. She rocks up in what Gym Ninja would class as a 'decorating outfit'. The kind of clothes most people wear to emulsion their homes in? Old baggy worn out grey marl jogging bottoms and a faded black slightly shrunken Rock band Tour Date T Shirt.  Of course Gym Ninja doesn't decorate in such outfits. No!!! Gym Ninja wears cute little shorts, legwarmers and a strappy top when decorating, as the less fabric about the better seeing as GN tends to always manage to step into/sit in/back into the paint....  

So, where were we? Ah yes, PC Plod. She was busy rattling off what could only be classed as 'Ello Ello Ello' knee bends. Feet about 6 inches apart, toes turned out, dumbbells in either hand making rapid shallow knee bends. We're talking about 2-3 knee bends per second for about 50 reps, before stopping and repeating again.  Great. Rapid faffy movements that catch the corner of Gym Ninja's eye when she's trying to push heavy dumbbells above her head. Marvelous!!!!

Looking away and trying to refocus on her own workout, Gym Ninja was then met with the sight of Smurf. A  girl who was working out whilst wearing a pink Smurf Hat.


Is that actually necessary?

Be gone Smurf! You are also too distracting as now Gym Ninja is too busy wondering what made you see that lying on the shelf in a shop & want to pick it up? Not only that, what then made you decide to put it on your head, in full view of other shoppers? Oh and to actually THINK it was a good look for you? For anyone? Even the Smurfs are hard pushed to pull that look off and they are cartoons.

Gym Ninja screwed her eyes up momentarily to block out the Smurf, and then opened them again....only to be met with.........


She'd walked over to the space in front of Gym Ninja whilst GN was too busy being dramatic and screwing her eyes up, & was now busy taking away the dumbbells that Gym Ninja was super-setting with.  None of this 'Are you using these' malarkey from Smurf. Oh no. The dumbbells were obviously hers to claim. Bloody Smurfs!

Not content with these two distractions, The Gym Gods offered up the next distraction. The Mimic. Now The Mimic is just that. A person who copies every single move you do about 10 seconds after you begin your set, like a weight training echo. So now we had there areas Gym Ninja could not look. The PC Plod area, the Smurf area and now The Mimic area. Pffft!

Any more things on offer Gym Gods?

Why of COURSE there were. Cue Daisy Duke. The girl in the shortest shorts ever created and seemingly hellbent on performing deadlifts (with poor form too). Whoa!
Nobody needs to see your stuffing Miss Daisy Duke! Put it away!

Sadly, Gym Ninja had to run the gauntlet of distractions whilst trying to crank out her own workout.  PC Plod, Smurf, The Mimic and now Daisy Duke, all  circling Gym Ninja and making it exceedingly difficult to concentrate without catching sight of one of them. It was with great relief that finally Gym Ninja completed her session, stretched out to finish and made her way from the gym.

But the Gym Gods had one last distraction in store.


Roadkill was just lying there, supine, in the middle of the floor, outstretched and motionless.  Not even near the edges of the room, or tucked out of the way. Nope. Slap bang in the middle of the route out of the gym. No mat. No apparent reason for being there either.  Gym Ninja could see that Roadkill was breathing and blinking and seemingly on the floor by choice, but all the same, decided not to check on her as even if she were OK, Gym Ninja didn't particularly wish to engage in a conversation with someone who thought this would be acceptable behaviour in a public place.   Gingerly stepping around Roadkill, Gym Ninja exited the gym, managing successfully NOT to jam herself into the turnstile, whilst cursing the smirking Gym Gods for their twisted & successful attempts at distracting GN from her goal........

Now, put that GODDAM biscuit down Ninjarettes & get yourselves off to the gym today. No slacking........

Gym Ninja x