Thursday, 28 October 2010

Bimbo Ninja

Gym Ninja can be a total idiot at times. Take today. Today Gym Ninja ran late (yet AGAIN) to visit the house of her client. It was too cold for beach training & Gym Ninja wanted to do some BOSU work with her anyway.  A BOSU is a half of a stability ball. Gym Ninja has called her BOSU 'Dave'.  Cleints can call the BOSU Dave unless they are being lazy or are new and then they need to call it 'Mr BOSU'.

So, with Dave in the car on the passenger seat and the other equipment for training in the boot, Gym Ninja hurtled off to try and reach her 10am lady. By 9.58am Gym Ninja had made it! 


Gym Ninja parked outside, behind a silver Golf GTI and grabbed Dave. Getting out of the car, Gym Ninja simultaneously dragged the BOSU across the middle of the car towards the drivers door to bring it out with her. Then Dave snagged. He stopped moving. Gym Ninja was now stood beside her car, her left hand tugging at Dave (if you pardon the horrid image that is now in your mind, you dirty Ninjarettes you!)  But what was this? The car was MOVING! Moving towards the car in front and Gym Ninja could not stop it!

Ever so slowly, yet gaining momentum, Gym Ninja's car was rolling quietly towards the Silver Golf.  Gym Ninja wa snow panicking.


Dave the BOSU had ONLY gone and released the handbrake as he passed over it & now the car was in danger of smashing into the back of the other one.

GymNinja was in a pickle!

With her left hand still grasping Dave and standing outside the car, she desperately hauled on the drivers door that was still open with her right hand,  feet planted on the ground and leaning backwards trying to hold the car back. At the same time, Gym Ninja needed to get back INTO the car to slam on the brake pedal as Dave was going nowhere and was quite happily squashing the handbrake. Meanwhile, the Golf GTI got nearer and nearer to the front of Gym Ninja's car!

Diving into the driving seat, Gym Ninja just about managed to slam on the brakes with a millimeter gap to spare. All the time, her left hand was still clutching Dave.  PHEW!!!!!!!!

Gym Ninja secured the car and unloaded what she needed cautiously. Thank Goodness nobody saw. That was until Gym Ninja turned around and noticed her 10am Client stood on her doorstep emptying sand from her trainers from yesterday's beach session. 


"Wow you ARE strong holding the car back!" Shouted The Client. "I thought you were going to smash right into it then...!"

Gee thanks........

Gym Ninja was obviously devoid of all common sense today. After a pit stop at her own gym for a quick extra cardio session where Gym Ninja marvelled at the girl on the treadmill with a large saucer sized faux flower in her hair (and teamed with a baggy old t shirt and leggings too!)  Gym Ninja headed home.

A few hours later there was a knock at  Gym Ninja's door.


Gym Ninja has a strict door policy. If you knock and Gym Ninja is not expecting anyone, then it is unlikely you will get let in. If you have not been invited then Gym Ninja HAS no need for you to be at her home. Understand? Good. However someone did NOT understand and again knocked at the front door.

Uhh. REALLY? What is the point of Gym Ninja disconnecting her doorbell to prevent unwanted guests if they will insist on losing their self respect and knocking?  There was nothing for it but for GN to head downstairs and see who had a death wish.

Gym NInja opened the door. There stood two men with shiny faces and a Red Cross Logo on their shirts.

"Hi. We're from The Red Cross" Said Shiny Man 1. 
At this, he pointed to his Red Cross.


"We're here to talk about charity donations".

Well there's a shocker huh?

Gym Ninja explained that she already donated to many charities via Direct Debit.

AT this, SHiny Man 2 piped up.

"Actually we're here to get people to take part in a charity bungee jump at the end of the month. Are you interested in it?"

His Shiny face broke into a shiny smile.

Gym Ninja stared back. 

"You've GOT to be joking!" GN replied, her eyes widening!  "Seriously what is this? Door to door death wish?"

Shiny Man 1 stared back.

"Yeh, we ARE joking silly! Just pop a 50p in a collection tin next time you see one eh? Have a good evening"

And with that, they turned around and left. 

AHHHR! Tricksters! Gym Ninja is truly a bimbo!

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Kamikaze Ninja

I KNOW!!!!!

It's like Christmas eh? ANOTHER blog post. In a row. Bejeeezus. 

Today Gym Ninja ran late for most of her day. Having frozen half to death training a client on the beach when the tide was coming in (always scary as Gym Ninja is a non-swimmer therefore tends to be a tad wary of anything watery that can snuff her life out), and trying to distract her client from the badly positioned Ice Cream Van, Gym Ninja was more than ready to warm herself up performing her own workout at the gym. Leg Day!!!!

Having parked up and spent a good 3 minutes trying to close the boot of her car (made even MORE annoying as it was supposedly fixed on Monday & is now worse than ever), Gym Nina headed into the gym and started to get changed. Walking over to a locker where a girl had just stuffed her bag into, Gym Ninja smashed into an invisible wall.

A wall of....BO.

OMG! Gym Ninja's face nearly turned inside out the smell was so strong.  It was coming from the young girl who was ONLY JUST at the start of her session. She'd not even broken a sweat doing anything. Ewww, how can ANYONE smell SO BAD?   With a face contorting as if sucking a lemon, Gym Ninja attempted to hold her breath as she put her own bag into her locker and quickly moved away. 

As she went to grab her stuff on the bench, Gym Ninja realised she'd left an item of clothing out of her bag. Best tidy that away. Gym Ninja picked the item up and walked back to her locker. 

Oh dear God!!!!!!

The stench was STILL there, hanging in the air, wrapping itself around Gym Ninja's face & stuffing itself up her nostrils and filling her lungs. The BO Girl wasn't even HERE anymore, yet her stench was. Again, HOW is that possible? 

Choking & feeling slightly sick, Gym Ninja exited the changing rooms and began her session.

Today Gym Ninja became 'Kamikaze Ninja'. She was on some sort of suicide mission and it would be death by her own hand. The first suicide attempt was during cardio. Gym Ninja set the incline to 15% and decided it would be a good idea to perform sprint intervals....and yes, up the 15% incline.  Now the thing with the anaerobic threshold training is that you can gauge when you are in it usually by your heart rate. However there can also be a 'handy little way' that the human body also lets you know...and that is in the form of nausea.  Gym Ninja spent 20 minutes battling to prevent herself from being sick. Unfortunately though for GN, her trainer was herself and there was no WAY she was allowing herself to stop, despite how much her lungs burned, her legs complained & the fact that it was no too late in the day to watch Childrens TV as she trained. 

Hmm. Gym Ninja was STILL alive, albeit now with an overwhelming feeling of nausea and shaky legs. This did NOT bode well for the rest of the workout.  On route to locate some dumbbells for the Farmers Walk, Gym Ninja nearly ended up with a red headed girl embedded in her face. WTF? The girl was walking in the opposite direction, plenty of space between GN and her and yet at the VERY last minute, the Red Head swerved right into Gym Ninja's path, causing her to go a gym-based emergency stop. Meanwhile, Red Head sauntered on her journey, most likely chuckling to herself that she managed to play a game of walking chicken with GymNinja. 


Gym Ninja began the Farmers Walks carrying heavy dumbbells. To be honest, her glutes had only just recovered from doing them 3 days before, so quite WHY she was hellbent on doing them again was anyone's guess? This time, Gym Ninja managed to find space on the indoor track which meant she could lunge freely and crank up the reps and sets. Suicide mission!  By the fourth and final set of 20 (yep, suicide indeed) Gym Ninja was half dead. Still feeling queazy and now with legs made of jelly, Gym Ninja racked the dumbbells and went to fry her hamstrings on the Seated Hamstring Curl.  Ow.

Half falling, half stumbling off the machine, Gym Ninja then found herself gravitating towards the Hammer Strength Leg Press and loaded up 50kgs of plates either side. Not too shoddy considering her legs had been battered with the lunges, yet still heavy enough to mean Gym Ninja had to battle to prevent herself being crushed to a pulp before she had chance to secure the weights. See? Kamikaze!

The final of just 4 exercises for lower body was another for the hamstrings. This time the ever so slightly humiliating (or titillating, depending on what mood a girl is in) Lying Hamstring Curl. Day off from Deadlifts today! Nothing like lying face down, lycra-clad with ones arse in the air to draw attention to oneself!  Strange how many men suddenly feel the need to stop & chat nearby too? Always seems to happen near the Lying Leg Curl...hmm....

By now Gym Ninja had burning legs and constant nausea, so it was time to finish off with just one 5 minute circuit of 'Hellfire Ab's (an intense timed circuit of 5 ab exercises back to back with no rest) before stretching out and falling down the spiral staircase that lead back to the changing rooms.  There really should be a special lift for those who have just completed a leg training day. Spiral staircases are horrendous at the best of times, let alone when one is walking like a newborn giraffe.  

Downing the post workout shake was tough. Nausea was here to stay yet to skip such a vital window of post-workout refuelling would be foolhardy, so down it went. May as well chuck an apple down one's neck too whilst one is running the gauntlet of vomiting...

Gym Ninja left the gym today walking a little like one of those small plastic wind-up toys. The type that have feet interlocked and barely manage to put one foot in front of the other, before spinning slightly & curving left & right before topping over. Luckily the toppling happened once Gym Ninja reached her car. Only 3 people saw....

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Gun Show

Ooh, who'd have thought that Gym Ninja was FINALLY back on track (ish) and blogging AGAIN without a 57 day delay? Let us not, however, get ahead of ourselves. Plenty of time for that!

Gym Ninja, having been inspired after a particularly evil Personal Training Session inflicted on a client who barely made it through alive (and yet did, which is always a good sign & less damaging to Gym Ninja's Personal Liability Insurance), was all geared up for a quality session of her own. But first, she nipped in on route to the gym to visit her nephew & niece. 

Gym Ninja's nephew 'M' is 10. He has unfeasibly long big toes(the other toes are normal size) & hair like a thatched cottage roof.  Gym Ninja's niece 'T' is 3, super cute and calls high heels Gym Ninja shoes'. Bless.  It was half term so both were at home.  Gym Ninja was snacking on sushi when M came to chat. 

"Is that all you eat?" M asked?

Poor M. Never ask Gym Ninja about what she eats or you'll receive a 5 minute ramble on her eating habits. M never does learn!  The talk then turned to fitness. M declared himself unfit.

"You cannot be unfit, as you do Judo" Reminded Gym Ninja.

M shook his head.

"I AM unfit. I got puffed out running from the living room to the kitchen just then" He said, looking a bit dismayed.  Now to Gym Ninja, who lives & breathes fitness (oh and sparkly glittery things...and gadgets....) that was a trigger to the layman's speech on aerobic and anaerobic energy systems within the body. Anaerobic became 'Rocket Fuel'.

To be fair, Gym Ninja thought she was doing a good enough job, however M started to glaze over, nodded his head a few times, looked around the kitchen and then darted out of the room before Gym Ninja had even finished the rocket fuel analogy ...


So Gym Ninja decided to head to the gym where like minded folk went. OK, so maybe not quite like minded. A bit similar? Hmm, not even that. OK so Gym Ninja was in the same building as them ok?

Gym Ninja began with her 'Do as I say, NOT as I do' method of training. Gym Ninja hits cardio first. Yeh yeh yeh, even Gym Ninja tells clients to start with weights and finish with cardio, but again to reiterate, it just doesn't WORK for Gym Ninja. She ALWAYS loses the drive to do the cardio, so as a freak of nature, Gym Ninja begins with hardcore sweating!  

Back to the story. A 20 minute HIIT run was on the cards. Gym Ninja warmed up and cranked up the treadmill for her run. Luckily she'd chosen the perfect time for her session as it was slap bang in the middle of Kids TV. YAY! Sadly, her favourite show Ooglies  (a link for your convenience is supplied!) was not on....pfft, however Sean The Sheep WAS! Fantastic!

It must look very odd to see Gym Ninja crank out sprint intervals whilst laughing out loud at Sean The Sheep?  Whatever gets a girl through her session huh? That and the latest Album from MOS 'The Rush' Worth a purchase on iTunes if you need dance tracks to get you through cardio. 

As Gym Ninja cooled down from her run, she noticed the man on the adjacent treadmill. He was running with floppy hands. Jazz Hands! Do you recall Jazz Hands Man from months ago? Here he was again, hands flailing like rubber comedy hands, fingers waggling like jelly. SO glad that wasn't spotted mid-run or else it'd ruin the session.

Now unbeknown to Gym Ninja, today was the day of 'The Gun Show'. 
Well, Gym Ninja 'assumes' this to be the case, as everywhere she turned her eyes she was hit by an almighty pair of well-sculpted arms with amazingly defined delts capping them. Mmm. Gym Ninja has a soft spot for arms like that! Add to the mix half or full sleeve tattoos and OMG, it's enough to make the sulky faced Ninja crack a smile.  The gym was crawling with amazing arms!  Bejeeezus. best head into the women only section seeing as it was impossible to concentrate.....

The Womens Gym area was almost deserted. Terribly untidy too, considering women use it. Does NO-ONE pick  dumbbells up and rack them anymore? Bright purple stability balls were scattered across the floor like rubbery tumbleweed.  Gym Ninja tripped over an Ab Cradle.


Damned Ab Cradles. Take them away from GymNinja's line of vision. Useless gimmicky things! Endless rows of beached women lined up on the floor, stuffed into an Ab Cradle, arms lolloping over the top of the frame, elbows slumped o the pads, desperately trying to drag themselves up off the floor whilst their arms battle against them, pinning them straight back down again. Burn the lot of them! (The Ab Cradles, not the women BTW).

OK. Rant Over.

Today was an Upper Body Day & Gym Ninja worked in supersets of compound & isolation moves for the chest, back, shoulders and then finishing up with arms.  Apart from two girls who came in half way through the session, the area was pretty much deserted. Unfortunately the two girls training were very distracting. The first girl, we shall call her Ballerina thanks to her habit of standing with one leg curled around the other as she faffed with dumbells, arching her lower back into lordosis as she did so, was alone at first, performing wobbly Overhead Triceps Extensions whilst straining her lower back. Her friend, Girl 2 (aka Gossip) walked into the room and shouted over to Ballerina to say hi.

Ballerina, already in danger if smashing a hole in her skull due to a barely controlled dumbbell above her head, turned around, saw Gossip and began to walk towards her, STILL performing wobbly  Overhead Triceps Extensions. Almost as if she had forgotten she was doing so? Once in front of Gossip, she again wrapped one leg behind the other, arched her back and continued to exercise whilst chatting. HOW many reps are you doing lady? Jeeez! Sometimes Gym Ninja would do well to wear blinkers whilst training...

Post workout, Gym Ninja went to get her bag & out of it took her post workout supplements. Not magic bullets. No. Supplements. They 'supplement' a healthy balanced nutrition plan so don't be rushing out hoping that some shakes and pills will counteract the damage of a bag of Haribo and a FatDonalds Fatty meal! 

What is Gym Ninja's post workout preferences?  Tadaaaaaaaaa! Behold....

The beloved Maximuscle Promax protein in Choc Mint (yum), some BCAAs (branch chain amino acids) and L-Glutamine (another amino acid that aids recovery).  Yes, of course Gym Ninja received some dodgy 'OMG THAT GIRL IS ON DRUGS' looks, but then if the girls shooting the looks have arms like wet noodles and midsections like 'Available for hire Bouncy Castles' then who cares?  

So with that 'tasty little snack' consumed, Gym Ninja could now exit stage left, her work here done for another day. 

Gym Ninja x

Monday, 25 October 2010

Slapgate: The Aftermath

It's rare nowadays for Gym Ninja to be able to train on a Sunday morning due to a regular PT booking, however this week her client was away, leaving Gym Ninja the opportunity to work out early and hit the Sunday Spin Class too. Perhaps 'hit' is not quite the best choice of words to use, but you get the idea.

Once in the Changing Rooms, Gym Ninja was again faced with one of her pet hates. 
Listen people. 
Gym Lockers are all uniquely numbered. The way to remember where your stuff is, is to remember the number of the locker. NO NEED for a grown adult to do this...

Obviously there were oddballs at the gym today, as on route exiting the changing rooms, Gym Ninja passed this.....

Yes, someone had brought JAM into the gym. 
Gym Jam!

Gym Ninja had plenty of time today, partly thanks to getting up earlier to watch the Korean Grand Prix (that then went bland due to excessive rain), so she had plenty of time to warm up before going into the Spin Studio.   On the new 'old' bike that Gym Ninja had to select yesterday due to re-arrangement of the room, was sat a woman with noodles for hair. She was really really tall, yet had not changed the seat and handlebar heigh settings since Gym Ninja had used it the day before, so looked a bit like a circus entertainer (the type who pedal on teeny tiny bikes). All knees and elbows. Oh and noodles for hair. Gym Ninja took another bike. This one felt weird too. Pfft!

With Noodles talking loudly to her circus companion, Gym Ninja quaffed her can of 'emergency energy' & warmed up as the room started to get full. Oooh, lots of different faces in a Sunday session. Today Gym Ninja appeared to be the newbie. 

"It's cold isn't it?" Said Noodles to her friend.
"I should have brought a scarf!"

Stupid Noodles! If you WILL insist on taking up the bike right under the aircon vent (which is EXACTLY why Gym Ninja sits there) then you may have to expect some sort of wind chill for goodness sake!  Gym Ninja then tried to turn away, as the aircon was blowing Noodles hair into semi-straight strands before they pinged back into tight curls again. How terribly distracting.....

The class got underway. Spin CLIMB today. Lots of moments where you put the resistance up so high and you briefly pause and then can't start again.  At one point, The Instructor got off her bike and paraded around the room again, shouting encouragement.

"I'm NOT going near you!" She smiled. 
Fine! Saves Gym Ninja slapping her again.

"Did you know, SHE slapped me yesterday?" Shouted the Instructor to the room full of strangers.  The strangers gawped at Gym Ninja whilst they pedalled hard up their imaginary hill. 

Lovin the drama, the Spin Instructor continued, warming to her theme of abuse.

"Yep, she slapped me RIGHT across the face, just here!" At that, The instructor pointed to her left cheek. The strangers gasped, theatrically.

"It left a BIG red mark AND I fell onto the floor!" She continued, smirking at Gym Ninja.

Oh cheers great! Now everyone in the room thought Gym Ninja was violent. Noodles leaned further away from Gym Ninja at this last fact. To be fair, that was a good thing, as it meant less risk of being poked in the eye with a stray curl.

Post Spin, Gym Ninja headed to the weights section. Legs. Now Gym Ninja's legs had been exhausted after an hour of spin climb, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do to keep her bum from being anything other than solid!   Hammer Strength Leg Press, Hack Squat, Straight Legged Deadlifts and also some Farmers Walks. OK, so Gym Ninja is no farmer, Let us just call them heavy dumbbell walking lunges ok? 

Now the walking lunges were to be done on the running/walking track that circles inside the gym. However just as Gym Ninja stood ready to begin, she was overtaken by a group of muppets on boingy springs. Aka The Kangoo Class! 

Boing boing boing boing they ran, around the track. GO BACK INTO THE AEROBICS STUDIO!
STOP being stupid in public! Uhh! How can Gym Ninja lunge when there are people bouncing all around her? 

So Gym Ninja grumpily (there's a surprise) picked up her dumbbells and sloped off to another part of the gym so she could properly fry her legs. Once this had been successfully achieved, Gym Ninja braved the spiral staircase to the changing rooms with legs that behaved like soggy string, showered, filled up on Promax protein and then left....  


The Gym Jam was STILL there........ 

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Argy Bargy Ninja

OK, sorry about the shoddy blog post the other day.  No excuse. Oh wait, no the excuse was that Gym Ninja has a really bad memory. Oops. Forgot!

So today we find yet ANOTHER Saturday Slaughter Session post, but Gym Ninja is on the ball & has made the effort to type it up before the memory falls out of the back of her head.  Good idea huh?

The day started well. The alarm went off just fine. No dramas there.  Admittedly after a bit of a faff Gym Ninja did start to run a tad late, and inadvertently selected a gym top that didn't have enough of a lycra content to accommodate the Ninja Twins (•)(•) which did result in the feeling of a boa constrictor throughout the morning........but apart from that all was going just fine & dandy.

Gym Ninja sauntered up to the Spin Studio for the hour of Extreme Spin. 


What's this?  CHANGE?????????? Who's gone & re-organised the room and moved the bikes forward? No! NO NO NO NO NO! No change!  Now Gym Ninja's usual bike no longer existed? The row was all squished up with another one. Uhh!   Selecting an 'almost but not quite the same' bike as her usual (now sadly long gone) favourite, Gym Ninja set it up & began  to warm up. No sign of Dangly today oddly enough? 

The session began with a hill climb.  Then followed the usual mix of sprints, runs, jumps, climbs, and basically anything else the Instructor feels may take you right to the brink of cardiac arrest without having to fire up the defibrillator.  It was at the height of near-death experience that 'the incident' happened.....It wasn't a typical Gym Ninja action. Nor did Gym Ninja know she was going to do it? It just kind of.....happened......

Midway through a whole track's worth of interval standing runs, The Instructor began to walk around the group. It was on Run number 5, where the lactic acid was building up nicely and Gym Ninja's energy levels were in dire need of replenishment, that the Instructor chose to walk over to Gym Ninja and scream "Come ON!!!!!!" into Gym Ninja's face.

Instinctively,  Gym Ninja reached out and swiped the face of the Instructor. Only lightly mind, but yeh, Gym Ninja hit the Instructor in the face. The Instructors face spun around to the right from the smack and she then stood there, mouth wide open (tisk, not a good look), half shocked, half laughing.

"OMG you hit me! OMG everyone, she just hit me in the face!!!!! I'm not going near her again today" Said the Instructor. 

At this point, Gym Ninja felt it prudent to point out that if you plan on walking up to her and screaming abuse in her face, then instinct will kick in and you will get a smack! Fair enough huh?

To be fair, the Instructor never came over to meddle with resistance or scream anything at Gym Ninja for the rest of the session, so it all worked out for the best! 

Post session Gym Ninja needed to hit her legs with a workout. Yet for some reason, (perhaps that memory problem is getting worse?) Gym Ninja found herself on an Upper Body workout. Pffft!  Not much in the way of distractions other than a smattering of incorrectly performed moves in the gym today. WHY do women insist on doing side bends holding a dumbbell in BOTH hands? It just cancels out the effect. If you plan on doing side bends, ensure that you don't go TOO heavy as the obliques are muscle and can hypertrophy as much as the next muscle can. If you thicken it up, you thicken up the waist! Anyhow, top tip is to hold only ONE dumbbell in the hand of the opposite side you bend to.  So if you are bending to the left, the dumbbell should be in your right hand, and vice versa. OK- so this teaching point has been given today to cancel out sudden moment of argy bargy Instructor Slapping.  ALl must be ok in the world now, surely????

After a cool down, Gym Ninja headed to the showers and downed her protein shake.  Returning to get dressed, Gym Ninja was suddenly surrounded by children.  Must be a swimming birthday party on. Great. Now here Gym Ninja was, stuck in the middle of the changing rooms about to get naked in front of 10 pairs of staring eyes. Yep, kids stare! They don't do the sneaky peeking that adults do. No, they stand there, sometimes REALLY close, and just stare. Unnerving! 

Now there is a number of reasons why Gym Ninja is not entirely happy with this. Firstly, you never know what a child may say. They do tend to speak the truth & sometimes it's just not needed! Secondly, Gym Ninja has a belly button piercing and wears toe rings. These shiny objects tend to attract the eye of a small child & questions ensue. Questions are fine, but not when you are naked. Well OK, so questions when naked are fine, but in CONTEXT. Not in the gym changing rooms ok?  Thirdly, Gym Ninja has a large coloured tattoo that effectively acts as a magnet for children. No, it's not a cartoon. It's just colourful and fascinates them. Great. Oh and finally, there is Gym Ninja's grooming and 'Ninja Twins' that quite possibly differ slightly to what a small child may view at home from their own mothers. Thats NOT to say there aren't well groomed mothers out there who are unnaturally gravity defying as there most definitely are, however the age of these children meant that their mothers may be still in their transformation stages. Again, it throws up questions.......and draws crowds of small children......!

So Gym Ninja's plea today is that if you do bring children to the gym, spare a thought for those of us who do not have children of our own so therefore are NOT used to the staring eyes and barbed comments please?  Gym Ninja can take insults, but when they are from a small child? Uh oh! Gotta be the truth huh?

See you next time

Gym Ninja x

Friday, 22 October 2010

Rushed Ninja

Another Saturday (OK so it's 6 days late), another Saturday Slaughter Session.......or was it?

Gym Ninja opened her eyes......Saturday, and her alarm was yet to go off. This was good. It is good to wake before the alarm. Allows the body a bit more time to come to, wake up and.....AHHHHHHR!

The alarm clock flashed up 8.58am.



Gym Ninja set's her alarm on a Saturday for 7.30am. This allows her time to wake up slowly, get showered, have a couple of mugs of tea, get dressed & fed/watered before packing up her gym bag & heading out of the door by 9.15am.  Then it's a 15-20 min drive to the gym depending on traffic and time to warm up before the 10am hour of Extreme Spin that starts off a typical Saturday Slaughter Session.

Firstly, HOW come Gym Ninja's neighbour, who usually has a determined streak focussed on making as much early morning noise as possible via the adjoining wall, had remained quiet today? Had she have begun with her usual 'where's the missing object from the chest of drawers against the wall' game then Gym Ninja would never have overslept! This meant Gym Ninja now had exactly 22 minutes to get up & out of the house. NOT possible for one so slow at waking surely???

This is how it went.

8.58am: Woke up. Saw time. Panicked. Leapt out of bed.
8.58am and 30 seconds:  Cat fell off the bed having been cuddled up close, fast asleep.
9.00am: Galloped downstairs, two cats running alongside Gym Ninja like whippets!
9.01am: Cat food on cats heads due to more-haste-less-speed moment. Kettle on. 
9.02am: Wheat Free Pitta in toaster, back upstairs to get ready.
9.12am: Back downstairs, hair fashioned in the drag-through-hedge-backwards style. Pitta now stone cold.
9.13am: Tea made, cold, brittle pitta filled with cottage cheese & stuffed down face whilst scooping Promax protein powder into shaker bottle. Gym bag packed.
9.14am: Cats faff at patio doors deciding whether to go out or not? Gym Ninja pushes cats bottoms out of door. Yep. You wanted to go out!
9.15am: BCAAs popped, energy drink downed, cats dish trodden in by accident.
9.16am: Foot scraped clean of cat food. Bag grabbed. Quest for doorkeys begins.
9.18am: Keys found in first place Gym Ninja looked then returned to, but after also checking 17 other places. 
9.19am: Bag in car, engine on, car reversing down driveway.
9.20am: Car stopped due to cats now rolling in path of car. Cats picked up, carried to house, stuffed through open door. One cat escapes, allows Gym Ninja to chase him for a while, then runs back into house of own accord.
9.21am: Car journey commences.
9.32am: 15-20 minute journey condensed into 12 mins courtesy of jumping a red light & following the racing line.......


By the time Gym Ninja reached the gym, she was more than a little frazzled.

"Where were you last week?" Barked Dangly, frowning at Gym Ninja. 

Gym Ninja wondered.
Where WAS she? Her brain was still asleep.  Ahhh right-London for the weekend with her partner in Crime 'Red' (she is named after the knitted C'Mon Corsa ad character. They have the same lips donchaknow). 

Dangly looked disgusted. 

"Pfft! Yeh right!"

He then turned away, a look of hurt in his eyes.

OMG! Since when did Gym Ninja have to report her diary to the man with the dangly earring?  Jeeeeeeez!

So sat back on her usual spin bike of choice (Dangly was quick to point out that the girl who stole Gym Ninja's bike the other week had now taken a bike at the furthest away point to them since Gym Ninja had done a Kevin The Teenager act when she took it one week), Gym Ninja prepared for an hour of Extreme Spin knowing full well her body had no only barely woken up, but was still digesting breakfast. Should make for an interesting session? 


One hour later, Gym Ninja stumbled out of the session, half dead and still not 100% awake.  Great. Fantastic start to the weekend.  Passing a row of treadmills hiked up to 15% incline with about 5 women hanging on for dear life, Gym Ninja was too tired even to contemplate un-peeling their fingers from the treadmill handles to stop them cheating. Yep. THAT tired and asleep. 

Now, there was much MUCH more to this blog post than is now typed up. However Gym Ninja currently has the brain of a goldfish, so when new things come into the front of her brain, the older stuff falls back out of the other side, lost forever Possibly it's just as well? This will allow Gym Ninja to ensure she types up her blog in a less tardy manner in future.  There is a vague recollection of a few things that did happen or catch Gym Ninja's eye, such as the man with the dimply deltoids, the girl who runs like a horse galloping (Gym Ninja needs to decide if she has a plastic leg (well, Ok so no 'plastic' but you know that's it!),  the PJ Boys & something about a very old lady bending over naked in the changing rooms....hmm, maybe Gym Ninja didn't 'forget'? Maybe her brain blanked it out due to trauma??????? 

So with great apologies, this blog post now endeth abruptly.  Pfft! 

Friday, 15 October 2010

Saturday Slaughter is back baby!

Lookey lookey! A gym blog!

YAY! Finally!

Yep, 2 weekends ago Gym Ninja hit up her usual Saturday Slaughter Session. Ahh, it' s always good to start the weekend working up a sweat of some sort.  Gym Ninja dragged herself out of bed, packed her bag (well, her GYM bag-she wasn't running away from home remember) & set out for the gym. 

At the gym reception, a burly man was stood blocking the entrance, whistling along awkwardly to Madonna's Get Into The Groove. SO wrong a song choice to whistle along to Mr! Anyway, on with the story. Gym Ninja stuffed her gym bag into the locker and after a quick warm up went upstairs towards the Spin Studio, an hour of hardcore sweating awaiting her...


Sat on Gym Ninja's regular 'creature of habit I do not like change' spin bike.....was .... a girl.

Whoah there lady! You must be new? GYM NINJA sits on that bike! ........

Sat on the bike next to Gym Ninja's now STOLEN bike was Dangly Cross Man. Now that was a betrayal and a half as he knew that was Gym Ninja's bike Goddamit! Why didn't he protect it?

With eyes the size of saucers due to incredulity of the situation (Dangly should have prevented the poor innocent woman from  stealing Gym Ninja's place in front of the aircon vent) Gym Ninja slinked further into the room.  The Spin Instructor greeted her with a 'where have YOU been lately' comment &  smile.

"Er, more importantly, what's going on HERE?" Gestured Gym Ninja, waggling her hand towards the stolen bike.

"Ahh, she's ok. She's my mate." Smiled the Spin Instructor. 

Great. Pfft!

Next minute...


Gee thanks Spin Instructor. How 'terribly' subtle.

The girl turned and looked at GN.  

"Oh sorry, shall I get off it?"  

Gym Ninja looked at the girl. Bugger.

"No no, don't be silly, it's not MY bike. It's just that I usually always every single week sit there, that's all. It's not 'mine' per say . Stay where you are, honestly, it's not a problem."

*cue forced smile*

"Are you sure? I can get off it you know. It's no problem". 

At this, the bike thief started to dismount.


You know when you WANT them to do it? To get off the bike? Yet you know you can't actually allow them to do so for fear of being rumbled in terms of how pedantic you are?


With a casual 'it really doesn't matter' wave, Gym Ninja sat on another bike. 


This bike felt funny. Stupid new bike...

Realising her water bottle was empty, GN then hopped off the nasty new bike & headed out to the water fountain. Already there was Spin Instructor.

"My mate was asking about you today!" She said, smirking.

Gym Ninja looked blank.

Spin Instructor elaborated.

"Remember him? The Fighter? He came to spin ages ago & really fancies you? He asked whether the fit girl would be there today. He meant you!"

Now Gym Ninja DID recall the Fighter. How could one not? When a ripped guy strides into a darkened Spin Room a girl does tend to clock him. In fact he made it to two sessions before Spin Instructor stuck him up on the bike at the front of the class, then part way through came over to Gym Ninja who was drowning in her own sweat. switched her mic off and whispered "My mate fancies you!"  jerking her head back in the direction (& RIGHT in the line of vision) of the Fighter. 

Awkward was NOT the word. Needless to say he'd never come back since! 

'I told him you'd had two weeks off spin whilst your new tattoo across your arse healed. He loved that!" 

At this, Spin Instructor elbowed Gym Ninja in the ribs, laughed evilly and walked off.

Great. How terribly embarrassing!

The hour of spin went slowly, partly due to the new unknown bike that recreated a bicycle version of 'Princess & The Pea' with Gym Ninja's backside.  Damn you Bike Thief!  Now Gym Ninja was almost ruined for all men!!!!  Hobbling out of the session like a broken Rodeo Rider, Gym Ninja headed to a stretch area to cool off and stretch out. That'd be the stretch area overlooking the Hydropool. Hmm.

The Hydropool was full of it's usual 'types'. A smattering of incredibly hairy men rocking so much body hair you could see it all matted and tangling from the first floor. It's when the hair on their torso is so long you can see it fanning out onto the surface of the water that tests the stomach! Then there was the Frisky Couple. Usually facially challenged (ugly if being less politically correct) who are rubbing up against each other, oblivious to the looks of disgust from those seated near them.  There is the Pervy Man. He sits bang in the middle of the Hydropool right opposite the steps leading in/out so he has the best view of all the women as they leave. Pervy Man never blinks.  He does slobber excessively though.  Then there are the group of teenage boys who sit  together staring at any girl walking past or using the Hydropool. They look a tad uncomfortable and usually have their hands below the waterline... 

As you can probably gather, today would not be a day Gym Ninja wished to use the Hydropool, so once showered, changed & replenished with her Maximuscle Promax Shake, Gym Ninja made a sharp exit away from stolen Spin Bikes, Matchmaking with Fighters and The Circus in a Hydropool...... 

Saturday, 2 October 2010



Where the devil did Gym Ninja go? Well, Gym Ninja fell off the face of the blogging planet mostly due to a dead Mac and only a piddly little Macbook to type on in it's place.   The Ninja Mac died a thousand deaths of sudden white-screen hard drive failure, and is still being rebuilt akin to the Million Dollar Man, at Apple Hospital. It's been nearly 2 weeks and counting...*gulp*  

HOWEVER....Gym Ninja has not slacked off the workouts even if she has slacked off the blogging. Nosireebob!  Gym Ninja must lead by example when it comes to staying fit & motivating her clients...

Now it was a week or so ago when Gym Ninja's tolerance (and this is a word pushed to it's absolute limit) was seriously tested. The private gym where GN trains a lot of her clients is located at a city centre hotel, & the hotel itself was full to bursting with political types. T'was apparently host to an annual conference for the Liberal Democrats and the place was literally crawling with grey suited serious types wearing yellow ribboned 'Jim'll Fix It' conference badges, a whole load of corduroy & a 'losing the will to live' face....Oh and those carrier bags full of junk they do insist on handing out at such things? The hotel effectively had rivers of blandness flowing through it's doors. Obviously this didn't bode well for motivating one's client, however Gym Ninja remained optimistic as the gym area was pretty much always deserted. It was merely the main areas of the hotel that the Grey Men were cluttering up. So, having greeted her client Gym Ninja headed up in the lift to the gym for the usual workout session.

Oh GREAT! There were 3 unknowns in the gym that day, making the  place untidy. The TV wasn't  even blasting out it's usual mix of music. Oh no. 'Someone' had re-tuned it to the BBC News Channel *yawn*.  In the corner of the gym was a swiss ball, and lying supine on it, like a dead 4-legged starfish, was a politician. He wasn't moving....he was just lying still, his arms and legs dangling onto the floor. Gym Ninja's client rolled her eyes, saving Gym Ninja the bother of doing so herself....

Trying to avoid eye contact with all three 'randoms' for fear of being sucked into their apathy, Gym Ninja began warming up her client. As she was doing so, a woman walked into the gym and climbed up onto one of the multi-plane cross trainers. More of a strider/stepper than your usual cross trainer really, and the woman was having great difficulty getting the correct motion going.

"Excuuuuuse me hunni" Boomed an American accent.

'You wouldn't mind showing me how to work this thang would ya?"  

Gym Ninja turned around. Hmmm. It would appear that there was no other 'hunni' about, so that then meant that the American woman was talking to Gym Ninja..... aka Gym Hunni...

Now Gym Ninja is NOT a gym instructor hired by the hotel so really shouldn't be getting involved with the general hotel guests. Gym Ninja is a PT who is paid exclusively by her client for one-on-one attention. However, seeing as GN likes Americans, she trotted over to help (with the permission of her client first of course). Cue about 3 minutes of the American woman half stepping, half cycling with her left leg only, whilst her right leg refused to play along. Gym Ninja, finding this highly amusing, decided it would be best to focus hard on the working leg rather than the one flailing around helplessly, to avoid an unprofessional guffaw whilst offering gentle words of encouragement.  After a rather awkward few minutes, both finally realised that The American Woman was flogging a dead (and lame) horse, and was also looking rather pathetic.

"Er, perhaps I should go on the Stepper?" Suggested the American Woman, appearing downcast.

Gym Ninja nodded whilst offering up her best non-patronising smile. 
"Er....Yep, that's probably not a bad idea. There's a lot to be said for Steppers".....

Part way through the PT session, as Gym Ninja was taking her client through some multi-plane lunges, in walked a suited & booted man of grey pallor and slight frame. He was wearing a pale blue shirt, grey suit trousers and leather shoes.  He screamed political blandness. Around his neck was a yellow Jim'll Fix It Badge. 

Damned Lib Dems! Obviously he'd taken a wrong turning?

The Grey Man meandered over to a bike in the far corner of the gym, unrolled his newspaper, sat down...and began pedalling.

In. His. Suit.

Head down, engrossed in his newspaper, his tie loosened, his brogues on, pedalling at a leisurely, almost lazy' pace, Grey Man began to work up a very fine sheen of sweat.  Gym Ninja and her client looked at each other, then back over to Grey Man. Both were secretly grateful that the old rule of 'forget your gym kit and do it in your underwear'  was no longer enforced.... Alongside Grey Man on the treadmill was another political type. This guy was larger. MUCH larger. Carved out of a substantial slab of lard. Calves the size of traffic bollards and feet lined with lead. Around the base of the treadmill, small cracks were beginning to show in the flooring....

*Thud, thud, thud, thud*

Not a natural runner, one may say. 

By now, Gym Ninja's client was looking cross. She was not used to such distractions and does not suffer fools any more than Gym Ninja does. Ahh, the warmth of a Capricorn eh? The political folk surrounding her were obviously aggravating her and it was starting to cause her a noticeable lack of balance.  EEEK! 


The door to the gym suddenly exploded open, and in stomped the final nail in the concentration coffin. 

Puny Boy!

Allow Gym Ninja to describe Puny Boy. He is a fairly common character in most gyms across the Globe, and no doubt you'll know one when you see one.  He's about 17 or 18, fairly tall yet of slight frame. Hunches his shoulders forwards partly due to his embarrassment at his height (puberty is still a fresh and slightly painful memory in his mind) and partly due to the fact he has never once stretched out his pecs rendering them as tight as a drum.  His hair is beige magnolia and falls across his face in a nod to Boy Band styling. His feet are shod in what can only be described as Trainers for clown feet. 

Puny Boy marched over to the cable machine, tinkered around with the rope attachment and then went headlong into something vaguely looking like triceps pushdowns.

Oh. Ok. No warm up then? 'Arm Day' is it? Pffft!

Puny Boy, having attempted to push down the rope attachment 5 or 6 times, was now struggling due to the fact that:

1. He'd not bothered to check the weight stack & the weight was WAY too heavy for him.
2.  His triceps were cold having not been warmed up before he began.
3.  Rope burn from the pulley was playing havoc with his hands. (Being  only 17 or 18, his hands were probably nursing a very recent Repetitive Strain Injury from too many nights in his room with his laptop & Red Tube.)

Gym Ninja and her client turned away. It was just too painful to watch him struggle.  Continuing their PT session to the background noise of BBC News 24 and the grunts of Puny Boy, it wasn't too long before they were yet again distracted. Puny Boy, having given up on his triceps, had now pulled up a bench, grabbed some 18kg dumbbells and was attempting to do a bench press of some description. 

Yeh, that's a good idea. Knacker your triceps first  and then attempt to waggle those babies around your head. Gym Ninja wondered if there was an iPhone App that would allow her to quickly place a bet on at Ladbrooks for this guy panning his own head in?   Puny Boy was in some serious trouble! His back was arched, his left arm was buckling under the weight of the dumbbell and his eyes had a look of fear as one arm started to drift outwards in a shoulder-dislocation type move whilst the other slowly inched the juddering dumbbell towards his skull. By now Gym Ninja had forgotten her annoyance as it had been replaced with a new and  morbid fascination for seeing what would happen first?  

Would it be

A): The 18kg Dumbbell in his left hand would find it's target of his left eye socket and smash it into a pulp of powdered bone, eye juice and blood?

B): The 18kg Dumbbell in his right hand would succeed in making contact with the floor, ripping his pec muscle and dislocating his shoulder in the process?

C):  His lower back would pop, simultaneously triggering a combo version of options A & B?

Some things, Ninjarettes, are best not described in blog format! Needless to say the final outcome wasn't anything that a mop, a bucket  & a bag of sawdust couldn't clean up.......

See you all back here tomorrow! Gym Ninja is on a roll........

Gym Ninja x