Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Hydro Ninja strikes again

Gym Ninja made it to the Hydropool again!  Well, after the first attempt whereby half of the time spent in there was with water like glass due to Gym Ninja's lack of nerve pressing the mystery red buttons (the ones that power up the bubbles and jets), she thought it was about time she took her newly acquired knowledge and returned to the pool of many germs and put it into action (so to speak).

It was Sunday when Gym Ninja returned to the Hydropool. She'd replaced her usual Saturday Slaughter Session with a Sunday Slaughter Session, as a work meeting to discuss the freelance PT took over Saturday.  So Sunday saw a 1 hour Extreme Hill Climb Spin Session and Gym Ninja was raring to go!

Bloody hot day though! Plus, the Spin Studio had obviously not had any aircon on overnight which meant that the air that was now blowing into the room was 'creepy relative' temperature (you know the temperature of the breath of the weird relative you hate who talks really close to your face and breathes into it?). Gym Ninja walked over to her usual bike, and went to climb on and....oh! Great! The resistance knob was broken! WHO HAD GYM NINJA's BIKE yesterday??????? Bungling fools broke it! So now Gym Ninja had to get on the bike to the left of her usual one, which was not directly in line with the creepy relative aircon vent. FFS!  No show for Dangly today. Where WAS he? Maybe it was too hot for normal people to spend an hour in a darkened room sweating most of their water reserves onto the floor? There were hardly any of the usual crowd...uh oh. Gym Ninja could be in trouble here!!

But there was no time for quitting as the lights went down, the music blared out and off they went!!!!!!!


Sweat was just pouring out of Gym Ninja. Who knew there was that much water inside oneself? Yet Gym Ninja's body needed to work hard. It had missed it's usual Saturday session so had a score to settle. Damn you conscience! You get in the way ALL the time!!!!!  By the end of the hour it was as if Gym Ninja had already been in the Hydropool she was that drenched. Gotta love the old 'hair like a sealion' look as evidence you worked hard!!!!!!

Trickling out of the spin studio, Gym Ninja dried off and worked on her upper body, trying to ignore the sudden influx of girls all doing the same workout. If ever there is evidence of who reads faffy womens fitness magazines (you know the ones, that show a weedy girl doing biceps curls with water bottles!) it is this! The same identikit workout, never quite performed correctly!  Taking regular peeks down through the window to the Hydropool below, Gym Ninja coincided her cool down stretches to an empty pool moment. Fantastic! A quiet Hydropool!

Changing into her bikini, Gym Ninja strode towards the magical door that lead to the poolside.

Walking through the door and toward the Hydropool and.........oh.
There were actually people IN IT!
That oughtn't be allowed!

Fair enough, Gym Ninja could hardly turn back now, so she tentatively edged down the steps of the pool and clawed her way around the edge to find a vacant spot.
Great. The pool appeared to be full of men. Now Gym Ninja was the only girl in there and seriously regretting her choice of bright turquoise blue bikini. WHY didn't she choose black?

Over to the far left of the pool were two young lads, maybe late teens? They were glancing over nervously. Fear not young boys! Gym Ninja is not about to rush over and display her girly bits at you! You are safe! Gym Ninja cannot go anywhere that is not the edge of the pool due to her water phobia!
To Gym Ninja's right were two older men, bubbling away like chicken in a stock pot. Bleurr!
Then there were the two guys reclining on the bubbly seats designed to reduce cellulite!!!!
After about 10 minutes Gym Ninja was ready to leave...and yet she couldn't, as unbeknown to her a guy had slipped into the pool and was now pinned to the edge of it, blocking her exit route. FFS!!!!!

In jumped a gorilla! A proper hairy creature..thick black tufts sprouting from his shoulders (!) back, chest, all down his torso.......none on his head though. Odd.  Almost like he was wearing a gorilla suit yet had decided at the last minute to leave the head off? So where did Gorilla Man stand? Well, in the Hydropool is a large oven extractor hood type thing. Press the button, stand under it and it hammers the person with a hard jet of water.

RIGHT under that, with his back to it, which meant that all Gym Ninja could see was the hair on his gorilla suit part like the Red Sea!!!!! On and on and on went the jet of water, the hair splatting to his back all long and black. Gym Ninja tried not to think about the hairs that couldn't cope with the water pressure and snapped off....please do not let one splat against any of Gym Ninja's exposed flesh please.....

Then, as the two chicken stock men left the pool, they were replaced by a man and a woman. the man was big and round and devoid of visible body or head hair. Once in the Hydropool he looked like a hard boiled egg. The woman was a buxom girl....possibly eating from the same dietary plan as Egg Man? They stood to the left of Gym Ninja...facing opposite each other. Rather too close actually. Maybe Buxom Girl will move?

Okaaaaaaay. Maybe not!

Egg Man and Buxom Girl were virtually fused at the chest! Buxom Girl must think  she is on her holidays and doing that 'thing' couples do when in the know, when you go all still and hug each other and everyone knows that  you're not paddling? So when you do it in the Hydropool? EEEEEEEK!!!!! STOP IT! Gym Ninja does not want to be in the same water as a couple dry humping! What with Gorilla Man's stray body hairs and The Egg Mans possible seepage if Buxom Girl carried on any longer, Gym Ninja seriously needed to quit this pool like NOW!

Eventually the human barricade man left which meant Gym Ninja could make a run (or slow wade) for it, up the stairs, past the two terrified teenage boys and out to the safety of the magic door that led back to the changing rooms............quite HOW the Hydropool is marketed as a relaxing experience is beyond Gym Ninja......

Gym Ninja

Sunday, 27 June 2010

Weirdo Magnet

OK, so Gym Ninja started the blog a few days ago and then forgot to finish it off, so you get a 'back in time' blog today.

Gym Ninja had no intention of hitting the gym today (that'd be, oooh, say Thursday by now?). None whatsoever.  A day off was planned, plus stuff needed to be done around the house.  However, as the day progressed, circumstances meant that Gym Ninja would have no choice but to head to the gym to sweat out her mood....

Earlier on Thursday Gym Ninja had nipped to the local shops to pick up some essentials.  Whilst browsing and listening to her iPod, she was aware of someone hovering nearby. That's hovering and not hoovering for those who speed read....

Continuing her mooch, Gym Ninja moved to another aisle.  Again, she was aware of the figure moving nearby....

"Excuse me?" Said a voice faintly as Gym Ninja's music blared out.

Gym Ninja popped an earphone from her ear and looked at the man. A short man, with glasses and a pot belly.

"Hi. It's you isn't it?" 

Gym Ninja stared at the man. Oh God, Gym Ninja is really bad at recognising people! 

"We worked together. It's me!" Continued the guy, pointing at himself.

Oh dear GOD! Who was it? 

Gym Ninja did her best stalling for time face and smiled and pointed at him whilst saying, 'Oh"

The guy smiled.
"It's Paula isn't it!"

No. No it is not! Paula is NOT Gym Ninja's name. This guy had the wrong person!

Gym Ninja shook her head.
"No, I'm not Paula! You've got the wrong person!"

The man stared at GN.

"No, we worked together! We did. At the Citizens Advice Bureau?"
The man was now staring hard at Gym Ninja.
"It's ME" He finished....

Oh great. Now Gym Ninja was rocking the Citizens Advice Bureau worker look?

"No, I'm sorry I never worked there. I'm not Paula. You're mistaking me for someone else"

The man looked glum, and yet still stood there, whilst Gym Ninja was half turning to walk off.

"Where do you work then?"
Oh God, please!!!!!

"At a gym" Replied Gym Ninja.

"Can you do anything for this then eh? I could do with a gym membership!!" He said as he grasped his belly with both hands.

Gym Ninja quickly shook her head and explained he'd need to speak to membership about joining, before going to walk off again.

"Take this!" Said the man suddenly. Gym Ninja looked down (ooer) and he had a small card in his hand which he was thrusting at her. 

"Er...what is it? Asked Gym Ninja, extremely nervously.

"Do you like electronic music?" he continued, his hand still proffering the card to GN. 

"Ahhh, ahh, no I don't. Sorry about that. I"
Well, Gym Ninja really didn't want to say anything that encouraged the man nor take the weird card he had in his hand. 

Again, the man looked glum. 
"Oh..." He said.

Phew. That was hard work...time to move away and....
He spoke again.

"Do you want to go out sometime?" He asked.... "With me?"

*cue embarrassing silence and mild sense of rising panic as Gym Ninja realised this man was not going to let her walk away from him any time soon*

"I have a boyfriend" Lied Gym Ninja.

"No I don't! I don't have a boyfriend" Retorted the man.


Gym Ninja then explained she meant herself.
The man started back with a slight look of suspicion on his face,

"Do you?" Really? What, YOU have a boyfriend?"

See, by now Gym Ninja was kind of feeling defensive about this. Why did the strange man feel it was so incredulous that she may be taken? 

Eventually Gym Ninja escaped, and did that 'walk fast and do not look behind you' thing you do when trying not to look as if you are panicking when really you are. Of course now she was all jittery, so had to send herself to the gym to dissipate the feelings *shudder*

Gym Ninja pulled into the car park at the gym and turned the engine off. Just as she was about to get out, a person pulled up next to her really close to the door.
Great. Loads of room and you need to park there? Two seconds later, a car parks the other side. Now this is something that has been happening a lot. Wherever Gym Ninja parks, people suddenly rush to park next to her or rush back to their already parked cars to open doors thus stopping Gym Ninja leaving her car and sweating like a dehydrated dog shut in a car in the sun. Must be the Weirdo Magnet kicking in again? Great.

As Gym Ninja walked into the gym the heat hit her in the face. How can it be hotter inside an  airconditioned gym than it is outside? Now Gym Ninja felt listless. Gym Ninja is baaaad at working out when it is hot. How those guys who insist on training whilst all zipped up in 4 layers of hoodie are beyond her?  Despite the heat there was still at least 2 of those guys sweating hard on the cross trainers....

However, once at the gym one may as well put in the effort, so Gym Ninja decided an interval run followed by about 15 mins of ab work and stretching would suffice. Positioning herself in front of a treadmill displaying Wimbledon, off she ran.

Now whether it was simply a release of the adrenalin from attracting the weird man earlier, or the fact that Wimbledon now shows slow motion close ups of the male players muscles contracting and lengthening in great displays of power which is always incredibly appealing to watch, Gym Ninja found the run to be effortless, despite the heat.   The ab session that followed also flowed seamlessly, albeit fairly tough. Gym Ninja's new ab regime is really starting to work, and you know how seeing results can spur on a girl eh? 

Stretching to cool down, Gym Ninja finished off the session with a choc mint Maximuscle Promax shake. if you've not tried the flavour yet then summer is really the best time to, as although the mint isn't very strong, it gives a nice coolness to the flavour. Their official Maximuscle website is also hosting some 'buy two get a discount' offer on a range of products too, and the Promax saves you about £19 if you buy two tubs (plus if you really hate the favour you can send it back for a refund or exchange). 

See? Just goes to show how a Weirdo Magnet on a day when you least feel like training can produce a remarkably effective workout! 

OK, Gym Ninja is logging off for now. She will half-promise a more regular blogging frequency asap (although this weather doesn't help now does it??)

Gym Ninja x

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Hydro Ninja

It's a bit hot eh?

Gym Ninja isn't a fan of the heat....nor the cold...nor the wind...nor the rain (unless it is that big fat smelly thundery rain that falls in huge blobs-that's fantastic rain!) pleasing some Ninja's is there?

Anyhow, Gym Ninja had packed herself off to the gym both yesterday and today, as she is on an Abtastic Mission...the Mission to actually train her abs.

Not occasionally as per usual, all 'hit and miss', but at least 3 times each week. 1 week in and the old abs are responding well. Extremely well actually! Done at the end of the workout just before cool down stretches, so as not to fatigue the core and affect stability and protection of the lower back during other lifts. See? Another fantabulous (!) tip from Gym Ninja for you all. Abs last Ninjarettes!

Of course the rest of the body is getting worked into the ground too. Gym Ninja is going to become very busy shortly with a business opportunity so wants to make the most of this time she has. Lots of compound work, lifting heavy, pressing heavy, working until the muscles pack in and give up. A bit like yesterday when, part way through Matrix Training (or 21s as they are often more commonly known), Gym Ninja's arms simply packed in!  Great stuff!

Today Gym Ninja headed to the gym bang on when the England match was televised. It'd be mega quiet surely? Loads of space to float around and chuck some weight on the leg press. Perfect.

Surprisingly, there were quite a few people training who'd obviously thought the same as Gym Ninja. Damn! Of course, any piece of cardio facing a TV was already taken by a guy who was quite possibly about to attempt more cardio than he ever had done in his life! Gym Ninja was going to attempt some herself, yet the moment she went inside the gym, the heat was as great as the centre of the sun, therefore sapping her of all energy.


Instead, Gym Ninja hit legs. The Leg Press was roughly near a TV so Gym Ninja did see the goal when it was scored. Not that seeing was a necessity. The male chorus of...


That echoed across the two floor gym was enough to tell Gym Ninja that England had scored.  Oh that and every groan when there was a near miss too.

To be truthful, Gym Ninja managed a lack lustre effort. She was too busy deciding if TODAY would be the Hydropool day? After all, a quiet gym would mean less furry teddies in the whirly old pool eh?
Would she?
Wouldn't she?

In the end, Gym Ninja got SO hot at the suns core, which by now had relocated inside the gym, that she decided to give it a go.  With trepidation Gym Ninja changed into one of her more 'substantial' bikinis. Aka 'a normal one'...

Gym Ninja headed towards the door.....the door to the pool side. A door Gym Ninja had never been through before thanks to her water phobia. It was all very  nerve wracking...

Once through the magic door, Gym Ninja spied the huge big whirl pool. It was as calm as glass....IS glass calm? You know what Gym Ninja means!

Anyhow, nobody was in it either! RESULT!

Gym Ninja walked to the edge, grabbed the rail and stepped in.


HOW deep is it?

Gym Ninja does not like water that reaches her chest (and Gym Ninja's chest sits realllll high kids!)

Uh oh. Too late now. Gym Ninja grasped the edge of the pool with her hands, knuckles turning white, and slowly edged along to a side part, before stopping and clinging to the edge.


T'was a tad hot.
Gym Ninja had hoped it'd be cool.

2 minutes later two large guys flobbered into the Hydropool and took up residence at the other side. They sat there, almost intertwined and chatted.

Gym Ninja felt 'in the way' but wanted to stay until the waters did their Lourdes type thing and bubbled up.
The waters remained calm.
For ages.


Gym Ninja, by now, was bored.
Then, Gym Ninja saw it.......

A white box, on the side of the Hydropool.
A few of them, scattered across the side.
A white box with a big red button on it.


Shall Gym Ninja press it?
Gym Ninja feels she wants to.
What if it isn't the button to activate the jets?
What if it is a big red panic siren?

Now Gym Ninja was staring at the red button, her finger edging closer. AHHHHR!
A few times she went to press it, looked around and then pulled away.
Eventually though....eventually, Gym Ninja pressed the big red button....





So Gym Ninja edged towards another one.



*press press press*

Oh rubbish.

So Gym Ninja remained in the flat water. Boooooooorrrrrring!

After another few minutes a big hairy bearded man climbed in, waded past Gym Ninja, pressed the big red button and suddenly .....


The water!  T'was like Lourdes!

How come Gym Ninja pressing the button hadn't worked?

As Gym Ninja moved in the water, she managed to mainline a bubble jet right on the sole of her foot, that nearly had GN pinned to the ceiling she's that ticklish!
Moving quickly out of the jet with her right foot, her left foot found it...

How is this relaxing again? It's tickling Gym Ninja half to death!

So, remaining in the bubbles for a further 10 minutes, Gym Ninja then decided to wade back out of the Hydropool, having survived without drowning!

It wasn't until Gym Ninja returned to her locker she realised...she'd not brought a towel!

So now GN had to towel herself dry using her slither of a gym sweat towel, before rolling on her tight jeans that were doing that trick of detecting slightly damp skin and sticking to it.....


Maybe next time, Gym Ninja may have a more successful Hydropool session?
Assuming England play again during her workout that is......

Gym Ninja x

Monday, 21 June 2010

Run Forrest, Run....

Ahh, how nice was it today Ninjarettes?
Glorious sunshine and not too hot either. Perfect.

Today Gym Ninja managed to fritter most of her morning away half starting tasks, getting distracted by other things, abandoning tasks, re-starting them, getting bored, the point that in the end she decided to pop out (not literally you understand-it wasn't that hot!) to mooch around the local shops.

Change of scene you see.

As Gym Ninja wandered around the town, she realised just how many overweight people are out there.
Not just your bog standard over weight person.
Gym Ninja realizes that standard overweight people are  seen as 'normal' nowadays. No, Gym Ninja is talking about those who wouldn't look out of place in an American Fast Food Diner.
Or on Channel 5.
Or in one of those trashy magazines under the headline
'My Buttocks Ate My Sofa"..

You know the type? They are especially prevalent in stores such as Primark, where the aisles are narrow and racks of clothing poke you in the arm as you pass by? Why is this?
Anyhow, it must be really uncomfortable as the weather hots up, carrying around excess weight. Very draining too when it comes to energy levels, which leads Gym Ninja very neatly onto the whole....'It's too hot to exercise/I feel too tired/I'd rather spend my time in the pub' type of hot weather excuses...

NO excuses! Focus on staying fit and healthy at a sensible weight. That way you can enjoy the hotter weather without carrying around excess weight that saps you of energy, plus gives you many a wardrobe crisis too! Nothing like the 'summer clothing' for really bringing a downer on ones mood if one is not happy with their figure.

So how can you do this?

OK, so maybe look at when you usually exercise. Is it now getting to warm at that time? WHy not consider taking advantage of the lighter mornings and getting up early to exercise before work? That has the double advantage of energising you for the day AND means you can head out after work and mingle in the bar.
You just need to stay focussed and get creative.

After Gym Ninja's mooch around the shops, and having listened to a rather odd podcast about the ancient Amazonian Women, who apparently cut off one of their own breasts so that they could fight with a bow and arrow better (go figure), GN still found herself procrastinating and not being able to focus. So what better distraction than going for a run?

No walls or ceilings or anything!

So off Gym Ninja went....and within 3 minutes realised just HOW hot and sunny it was today.
Ohhhhhh dear!

Luckily Gym Ninja had remembered her sunglasses.
Funny things sunglasses.
If your run and wear them, then apparently everyone else on the streets thinks you cannot see them and therefore STARE at you as you run past.  Do they think you are a blind runner? What do they think happened to the dog? Why? Is running really such an obscure thing that people stop and open their mouths and have a jolly good gawp?

Gym Ninja decided she would first run to visit her mum. There was a half empty jar of Peanut Butter (smooth) at her mum's house and therefore that'd be a good motivational tool for heading that way. Plus it was only a brief 15 minute run.

AFter scoffing a few teaspoons of the peanut butter and having a cuppa, Gym Ninja then had to force herself up and back out of the house, this time taking the longer 40 minute route home. However, this worked very well, as Gym Ninja ensured she ran past the promenade, and took some pics as she ran....

Beautiful weather eh? The top two pics are of the Fort. It was a sea defence fort although apparently it only got used twice. It's now a museum. The rest are of the River. Soooooo pretty when the weather is like this (and Gym Ninja is sweating like a pig for running in the mid afternoon heat!).
Gym Ninja can blog sensibly too.

By the time Gym Ninja made it home...and yes, of course there was a huge steep hill to finish with (typical!) she was literally dripping sweat! Big beads of water fell from her face and body as her sunglasses slid off her face.

But you know what? Gym Ninja felt amazing! Simply getting out there and MOVING is perfect for a day when you cannot focus. Apart from the near death by dehydration of course......

So.....still trying to come up with a reason not to exercise? Gym Ninja's tip of the day is to not waste your precious time thinking of one and to just get out there and run!!!!!!

Gym Ninja x

Sunday, 20 June 2010

Drowned Ninja

What is it with Gym Ninja not wanting to send herself to bed early?
Panda eyes are SO not a good look. Plus, not only does it affect performance in the gym, but also slows down any improvements on the physique. Be told. Do as Gym Ninja says (and not does) and get to bed early!!!

Yet, whaddayaknow? Despite knowing this, Gym Ninja went to bed late AGAIN!  Of course, as it was hot last night this meant an intermittent sleep too. Great. Marvelous. Makes for a fantastic 'essence of knackered' look the next morning...

However Gym Ninja was determined to make the effort this sunny Sunday. Another reason was that Gym Ninja planned on donning the old shorts seeing as it was gloriously sunny. That meant an extra tough leg day right? No point wearing shorts unless one can  bounce coins off one's thighs....

After a 10 minute steep incline treadmill walk, Gym Ninja was ready to tackle another hour of Extreme Spin. The weekend sessions are the only classes Gym Ninja ever bothers with, what with being antisocial and all. Dangly was in place as ever so Gym Ninja took up her 'I'm a creature of habit so don't even THINK of sitting on my bike' and chatted casually to him.  Meanwhile, Cult Man trotted talk about Kangoo again.

"You really should try it you know." He enthused.
"Did you give it any thought after what I said?"

Gym Ninja nodded.
"I did think about it, but when I saw everyone boing across the running track in their Kangoo boots I thought they looked a bit too bouncy for my liking, so I think I'll not be trying it."

Cult Man seemed crestfallen.
"It's really gentle on your joints you know. I've even brought some carpet tape in, to strap up my ankle. I can bounce for 5 minutes now!"
At this, Cult Man seemed proud.

If you have to strap up a join with carpet tape, then perhaps this is not the class for you??????

The hour of Spin passed quickly again. Today was Spin Climb, so lots of hills, standing sprints and jumps.  Enough to really burn out the legs! However, being a bit of a sadist, Gym Ninja was quick to finish off her lower body with some added leg work, part of which was the almighty leg press.

Gym Ninja loaded on 3 x 25kg plates either side, totaling 150kgs and got ready to blast through some reps.

Next to the Leg Press was another identical machine. A guy, twice the size of Gym Ninja was busy pressing....2 plates either side. Gym Ninja glanced over then looked away. The guy glanced over, clocked Gym Ninja was doing an additional 50kgs to him, then looked away.

An embarrassing and awkward silence ensued before the guy hastily finished off a couple more reps and left.


Gym Ninja worked through some more leg exercises and then hunted out a water fountain. It was tiring and thirsty work beasting ones legs! 
Pressing on the foot pedal to activate the water fountain, Gym Ninja leaned forwards to gulp some of the cool water....
Suddenly, 'Right Foot' had a spazm, pressed down hard on the pedal, which then resulted in a sudden splurge of water far higher than had been, making abeeline for Gym Ninja's nostrils. 


Gym Ninja nearly DROWNED!

Recovering , and with droplets of water still falling off her face, Gym Ninja took a quick peek at the Hydropool (after all, Gym Ninja had decided today was the day & the bikini had been packed)...  
In the Hydropool were 3 Soggy Teddies, 1 Fake Santa (complete with white beard and gut) and 2 Baggy Ladies. That Hydropool must have been awash with stray hair and skin cells....

No thank you very much Hydropool, Gym Ninja will NOT be partaking in you today!

Narrowly missing being accidentally hosed down (or drowned-maybe there is a theme to today?)  as the Gym Cleaner turned a hosepipe on the toilets in the changing rooms (doncha just love professional cleaners?) Gym Ninja suffered the indignity of the pump action showers (press button 4 times, receive 3 seconds of dribbly water as a reward) and then quaffed her Maximuscle Promax Shake before setting out for the sunshine. 

Another weekend of hardcore workouts and a resulting pair of legs Gym Ninja could bounce coins off!!!!

Gym Ninja x

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Saturday Slaughter...what else?

Ahh Gym Ninja is feeling good after a Saturday Slaughter Session.

To be fair, this was surprising, as having spent the evening out then having suffered the weird yet very real 'Over Tired' syndrome (whereby you are aching to sleep and yet cannot) which resulted in about 5 hours of sleep maximum. Of course, this in turn meant Panda Ninja was back again!

Gym Ninja feels the way she managed to survive the session was simply by replacing her blood with caffeine. Job done! 

Spin was as tough as ever, and yet the time just flew. That's what caffeine for blood does you see. Not even Fidget, the woman on the bike in front of Gym Ninja who constantly dismounted every track to get her water could distract GN from her mission of burning as many calories as humanly possible (for a Panda anyhow).

Boinging out of the Spin Studio, still wired on caffeine, Gym Ninja then headed down to the changing rooms to grab her weight training gloves.  Just by her locker was an old lady carefully packing her gym bag in a slow, methodical manner. Wired Ninja unlocked hers, opened the door and.....


Shampoo, Conditioner and Shower Gel bottles burst out of the locker and bounced off the old lady's head.

Well, fancy leaving her head there.....?

Boiging back up to the free weights area, Gym Ninja began her wired Upper Body Session. All was going well until Gym Ninja's eyes started to sting......


It was Garlic Girl!

Now Garlic Girl is a new person that Gym Ninja recalls from last week in the changing rooms. Blatantly fearful of Vampire attack which surely must account for the amount of garlic she must ingest for it to radiate so strongly through her pores?  Now, typically, Garlic Girl felt an irresistible draw to the floor space next to Gym Ninja. 


Garlic Girl then also felt the need to do wing-like movements (supposedly side lateral raises?) in order to spread the garlic scent deeper into Gym Ninja's, even better! That may even distract Gym Ninja from the girl to her right who was doing what can only be described as Dumbbell Flops....

In beween switching dumbbells, Gym Ninja peered out through the glass and down over the to those unaware, the Hydropool is a giant jacuzzi type area that can hold a whole busload of people. It has bubbly jets and strange hoses and all manner of things that massage and froth and beat the dead skin cells of people. Yet today? Today the Hydropool was empty and looked clear.

Was Gym Ninja actually finding herself considering a dip in the Hydropool tomorrow perhaps?
Hmm, maybe tune in and see?

After the workout was done, Gym Ninja headed back to the changing rooms for a shower. Once in one of the icky cubicles, Gym Ninja found herself bleeding from the ears as a high pitched scream echoed around the shower cubicles....

"Heeeeeeeeeellllllllllllp meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Screamed a child.


"Oh don't be silly. It's just a bit of water" Scolded a cross sounding parent from the cubicle next door to Gym Ninja. 

" I Can't bear it!" Squealed the child, her voice escalating almost to the level of only being audible to dogs.

And so this continued for the entire duration of the shower, until the mother opened the cubicle door and the Drama Child trotted out, happy as larry.

It's fair to say it wasn't the most restful of shower days today......

So, a brief and pretty uneventful gym session to regale you all with, but hey, this shows that the true reality gets reported back here in this ever-so-serious 'Report-style' blog.  Tune in tomorrow to find out whether Gym Ninja decided that tomorrow is the day that she attempts to brave the murkiness of the Hydropool....

Gym Ninja x

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Gym'll fix it.....


Gym Ninja has been stuck on a mood trough all day! Goddamit mood, why so low? After all, a big decision was made yesterday about the future. Surely that should result in excitement and happiness?

Blatantly not! The 'meh' mood was here to stay. Not helped by a visit to the Nasty Place to do what needed to be done. Sign on. Pah!

Gym Ninja had made the error of wearing a dress that immediately went transparent in sunlight (what IS it with dresses like that? You check at all available light sources and they are fine. You walk outside? BAM! Naked!). Not the best outfit to sit amongst the lost souls of the Job Centre really. Plus it didn't help that the staff were determined to ruin Gym Ninja's mood further.

JC Man: "So have you got your info on what you've done to look for work?"

Gym Ninja nodded and handed the man four A4 pages of information.
He looked back at Gym Ninja, a panicked look in his eye.

"We only get 4 minutes for each person. I can't look through all of that!"

Then what IS the point?

The man then informed Gym Ninja that on her next 'visit' she had to attend a ritual mass humiliation where she is to attend a one hour 'how to look for a job' patronising session with other tormented souls.  Great. Splendid! Looking forward to that already....

So, taking the Meh mood with her, and doubling it to a feeling of despair courtesy of the Nasty Place, Gym Ninja dragged herself out of the building and homeward, to finish writing a new client programme.  Luckily this cheered Gym Ninja up somewhat as it is always very exciting when someone is ready to take the plunge and begin a new healthy regime. Knowing they are due to see exciting changes ahead is very motivating.  However, once the programme was sent, the Meh mood descended once again.


There was no other thing for it. Time to sweat the Meh out of her.

People. If all else fails, if you have a Meh Mood...if no one else can help, and if you can find them, then maybe you can hire....


Obviously not.

Gym Ninja meant sweating it out in the gym. Gym'll fix it doncha know! So off GN went, hoping that this beast of a mood would shift!

Once parked up, Gym Ninja made it half way towards the main doors and realised she couldn't find her membership card.
Back to the car.
Handbag emptied all over the car seat. No card.
Purse emptied over seat (to be fair, that didn't take long). No card.
Gym Bag emptied over seat. No card.
Purse checked again. Card!
Why did it disappear first time round?

Once inside, Gym Ninja's nostrils were hit by the smell of fresh toast. Fantastic! Just what's needed to fuel a workout. Good job Meh mood is here to act as a catalyst to exercise...

Do you know what? The Meh Mood really DID push the workout a level up from usual. Gym Ninja flew along that treadmill today. As she ran like the wind (kind of), she could not help but notice an abundance of herrruge men working out. Big thick arms, chests like barrels, heads disappearing into shoulders (what HAPPENS to their necks?)....looks like there is a new 'Roid Dealer in the place! These guys seem to have doubled in size in a matter of hours! Admittedly now it is sunny then guys tend to double their efforts, doing extra cardio to drop body fat and get cut to show of their bodies. But these guys were just blocky, huge and about a DD cup to boot....

In the main gym area, Gym Ninja threw her generic sweat towel on the floor as she adjusted a weight stack. Next to GN's towel was a similar one belonging to another member. Their towel, identical, was in pristine condition. Inky black, all fluffy and plush. Gym Ninja looked at her own sweat towel. Faded black ,bobbly and almost bald. Hmm, time for a new one perhaps? Great. Just as the meh mood seemed a distant memory it was being replaced by sweat towel envy....

In the gym today was Policewoman girl. Knee bends, rapid, about 78 without stopping. Feet turned out. Not low enough to be a squat. Not anything really other than a comedy distraction. This was rapidly followed by double quick side bends aka Elastic band bends. Do not twang and break Policewoman girl!

On the cross trainer was Bobble Head. Are you aware of those American Bobble Head dolls?  Their heads wobble furiously as they move?

Well that was exactly what was happening with this girl. Gym Ninja was now concerned that the head of the girl may ping off altogether!

Oh and Ballerina Girl was also in. She who 'points' one foot in front of her other as she performs Overhead Triceps Extensions or Biceps Curls.

Once in the changing rooms, Gym Ninja could hear some tinny iPod tunes blasting out of a nearby woman's headphones.  Wow. Turn it down lady! Eventually, it quietened down....then went all echoey. How odd?
Gym Ninja turned around and the woman had moved...she was now in the toilet cubicle, hence the quieter echoey music.  Great. Just switch it off for a moment!!!!

Now that the Meh Mood had dissipated and the Maximuscle Promax Shake quaffed, Gym Ninja was safe to head home.

Talking of Maximuscle, they are doing offers on some stuff again if you want to check it out and save some spondoolies?

Ok so if you or your guy buys Cyclone then you have a 'Buy One get one Half Price' offer if you click here

Then for you bar addicts, they are offering a '3 for 2' on ALL of their bars if you click here..

Nom nom!

Think the offers expire by the end of June so go take a peek and see if it saves you a fair bit of wonga.

See you back here tomorrow now that 'normal service' has been resumed..

Gym Ninja

Tuesday, 15 June 2010


Oh no!

Do you all feel abandoned?

Gym Ninja began 2  new blog posts in the past few days and yet stopped midway due to other commitments. But had to share the news for today, even if it was brief. Bet it doesn't turn out brief eh?

So...if you want fitness stuff skim to the end, otherwise continue as GN has another Interview story to tell....


Today Gym Ninja had an interview with a 'competitor' to her old work. The old work being the ones who had 'Fondant Fancied' (aka sacked) her. Now, Gym Ninja had agreed to this interview 1 day after being fired, and it was only just coming to fruition as first GN had to take a 1 hour telephone screening interview first. Talk about long drawn out processes!

Last night Gym Ninja received a call from the Agency checking to see if she was fully prepared for the interview.
Gym Ninja said yes.
Gym Ninja lied.
Gym Ninja HATES the Industry sector she was working in, so the thought of working in it again albeit for another company was still not a nice prospect. However, it was a day out eh? A chance to get suited and booted and talk 'business'. Plus, Gym Ninja could accidentally leak a few trade secrets in the process? After all, it's the least she could do.......

After an attempt to revise the night before for the subject she was supposed to know already having worked in a job for 10 months (ahem), Gym Ninja was soon distracted by a telephone call from her chum, Cactus K who was being infinitely childish and dragged Gym  Ninja down that route with her, so all that planned revision went by the wayside.

The  morning dawned and Gym Ninja did Power Dressing Ninja, grabbed her sales brag file (a folder showing her achievements in sales roles, for example winning incentives, and holiday such as Rio and the Cannes Film Festival to name but a few....surprised? Gym Ninja can actually sell you know! It's just boring stuff for Muppets she finds hard to deal with!!!) and set out on the 3 hours drive to meet the Business Director at Company X.

Gym Ninja pulled up outside the front door of the Head Office and parked in the Visitors Space.  Gym Ninja got out of the car, trying her best to look professional, as she realised that her Mini Cooper was rocking the fluffy dice and daisy on the arial look (something GN usually frowns upon but had been going through a phase recently!). Bugger!

On arrival, Gym Ninja was introduced to the Business Director,... let us call him Bob.  Bob offered Gym Ninja a cuppa so having agreed to this she watched, horrified as he attempted to coerce a machine into plopping fake tea into a plastic cup. Mmm. Thanks.

"Today's just an informal chat" Said Bob, who was a likable chappy as he held the door open for Gym Ninja (aww, GN loves manners).

"Sit down, anywhere you feel comfortable. Take your jacket off too if you like......" Continued Bob, wafting his hand at a chair.

Er, what?
Gym Ninja had visions of this turning into a
'Just pop your clothes off and take a seat' kind of a predicament...but chose to quell her apprehension and did as she was told.
Taking the jacket off, not the entire outfit BTW....

Thus began the 'informal chat' and it REALLY was informal.

"I see you work at The Muppet Show?" Said Bob, referring to Gym Ninja's previous employer. Obviously the company name has been changed to spare any incompetent hurt feelings.......

Now, the night before Gym Ninja had been undecided as to how to break the news mid interview about the Fondant Fancy situation. Should she come clean? Should she try and disguise it with smoke and mirror talk? Should she profess sexual harassment so that Bob wouldn't ask further details from her? After much consultation with friends and a chat with Cactus K on the phone (before Cactus had gone all childishly smutty on her of course) Gym Ninja worked up a very nice speech that would make a Politician weep with it's vagueness.

"Ah, I did work there but I don't now. There's a story behind that" Replied Gym Ninja, as Bob raised his eyebrow quizzically.

"I saw 3 of your old work colleagues about jobs recently" Confessed Bob, before he slapped his hand over his mouth.
"Oooh, I shouldn't have said that, it's not professional of me!"

Gym Ninja looked at Bob, smelling gossip!

"Hey, you can tell me.  It's not like I am in contact with them anymore, for reasons you'll understand soon enough", Encouraged Gym Ninja, in her 'Cadbury Caramel Bunny' voice and using her special 'cute innocent face'.

It worked!
Bob spewed gossip! Turns out that Gym Ninja's other sales colleague (no, not Muppet-he is busy reinventing the wheel and teaching people to suck eggs), who is 2 years from retirement, had an interview for this very  job the day before. He is extremely experienced and it was a surprise to GN that he was looking elsewhere. Also, the head of the engineering team plus another person had also applied to work with them. Trouble at Muppet Mansions eh?

"So, why did you leave then?" Enquired Bob.

Gym Ninja had rehearsed this the night before, after much consultation with friends remember. This was the moment she would create a thing veil over the whole sacking incident....

"I was fired!"

Just fell out of Gym Ninja's mouth.

Bob looked a bit taken aback and then smiled, curious as to why? So thus followed Gym Ninja' tale of what had happened and the predicament she'd been in with the Blandmobile Company Car, Muppet, the Micromanager MD etc.

Now Bob knows the company and the people. He knew that the story GN was telling him was totally true. Bob and Gym Ninja BONDED! Another reason Gym NInja bonded with him was that he shared a similar waffling rambling trait which ended with a 'Er, what was the question again?' at the end of it. Gym Nina does that too!

After an hour of chat and gossip, whereby Gym Ninja found herself using all manner of rude phrases to illustrate sales examples

'He micromanaged me to the point I'd almost have to tell him what colour underwear I wore"
"I am anal about admin"
"He harassed me constantly"

...the interview came to an end. Bob then announced to Gym Ninja that he'd like to invite her back for a follow up interview.

"I like how blunt you are. I like how you just said 'I was fired'!" Smiled Bob.
Remember, Gym Ninja doesn't want this job. Pah!
To make matters worse, Gym Ninja's old colleague isn't getting put through to the next stage. Aww, poor guy!

So, with a handshake, Gym Ninja tottered out of the room, promised to return for the second interview (goddamit why?) and then drove home.

Stopping on route at the Motorway Services, Gym Ninja was wolf whistled as she walked back to her car.
But....when did wolf whistles become so 'specific'. Allow GN to explain....

*Cue wolf whistle* as Gym Ninja walked past a guy.
2 second pause
"Nice shoes!!!", does this mean that you are whistling the shoes only?
Does this mean you hate Gym Ninja's face?
Has Gym Ninja rubbish hair today?


Exercise-related part!

So, here is the 'news'. Yesterday Gym Ninja had her practical session for a role working alongside an established PT to do freelance Personal Training.
It went well. very well. It was the follow up to the role whereby she'd be based at the luxury hotel where she did a runner and didn't pay for her expensive cup of tea remember?
To cut a long story short she was offered the opportunity.
Gym Ninja has mulled it over and has decided .... yes. Yes. She is ready to risk everything (and it really WILL be everything as GN has no income and many many many bills to pay) and go ahead. So as Gym Ninja was typing this blog, she made the call and accepted the offer..............


OK, so now Gym Ninja is going as her eyes have gone all big at the enormity of what she is about to do...

Gym  Ninja x

Friday, 11 June 2010

Return of the Interview...

Ah, the 'second interview' Blog it is, all in a beautifully designed new layout that Gym Ninja is trying on for size. It is doing it for you? The layout?

Ok, so as you may all be aware, last week Gym Ninja was interviewed by a midget with regard to working freelance out of a chavvy health club?  Yep? Remember?  You will also recall that Gym Ninja had agreed to return the following week to view the 'Land of the Inbred' Health Club that the Midget aka Boy of 12 (as he was called in the last blog post)  thought Gym Ninja would be 'perfect for'.


Cheers. How is that good?

It was touch & go as to whether Gym Ninja could even be bothered driving to the interview. After all, the location was rubbish, the Health Club chain seemed a little too chavtastic and of course there was the whole 'Compulsory course costing a few hundred pounds issue' GN also didn't agree with. WAS there much point going...?'s not like Gym Ninja had anything better to do.

So, armed with many more questions craving answers, off Gym Ninja headed to the Land of the Inbred, having left strict instructions to friends that if they hadn't heard back from Gym Ninja by noon, then the locals had made soup out of her bones & hung her skin on the wall for decorative purposes and they were to raise the alarm........

As Gym Ninja walked into the Health Club, she spied Boy of 12 talking to a big slab of lumbering maleness. Oh. That'd be 'the other' Personal Trainer that also suits the club then.

As Gym Ninja walked over, Slab Man scuttled off, his eyes darting around under his overhanging inbred brow bone.  Boy of 12 stood up. Apparently. Hard to tell when someone is as small as he is.

"Hi, nice to see you again. Did you have a look around the town before coming here?" Enquired Boy of 12.

Venture into the town?  Are you CRAZY?

Gym Ninja shook her head, and the moment Boy of 12 asked her if she had any questions, off she went....

"This Course. The 'compulsory course' you must go on before working freelance for this club," Began Gym Ninja. "What exactly does it entail for the two days and hundreds of pounds it costs then?"

Boy of 12 smiled.
"Ah, well there is half a day spent learning how the computer side works plus what the company is about"...

Gym Ninja nodded and wafted her hands, encouraging him to continue.

"Then there is half a day on how to sell as a Personal Trainer" He petered out...

"Which I already know, having worked in sales for over 6 years" replied Gym Ninja, before wafting the Boy of 12 on again.

"Er, and the next day has some really useful stuff too, how to run a business plus how to approach people"

"I kind of covered that in my PT course and to be honest if I found it hard to approach people I'd have not really stayed in sales for so long" Said Gym Ninja, struggling  to hide her true feelings.

"So, is the computer part of the course hard then?"

Boy of 12 shook his head. 'No, it's REALLY easy actually".

"So really, if I've already covered how to sell, how to run a business and how to approach people in my previous jobs, then you may as well just ring me and talk me through the easy computer stuff and I then won't need to pay hundreds for the course now will I?"
Gym Ninja smiled at the Boy of 12, who at this point had begun to look a tad flustered.

"Er, I see what you mean but it's proving to be really successful for the existing PTs and it's also to make sure you're all singing from the same hymn sheet" He stuttered. "There really isn't a way around NOT doing it to be honest. Why do you not want to do it?"

Gym Ninja looked back at Boy of 12. How small he was. He must get really tiny when he is in the distance...

"OK, so here are my thoughts. You 'say' that the first month working here is rent free, and yet you then insist that I have to attend a compulsory course that appears to be of no actual benefit to me, and yet costs over half of what the monthly rent would be anyway. You also say we are freelance and yet you want us all working the same way? So how is that giving ME the edge against my colleague if I have to say the same rubbish as him? So it's kind of coming across as a bit of a scam if I'm honest".

Boy of 12 squirmed.

"Another question I have", Continued Gym Ninja, 'Is about that top!"
Gym Ninja gestured to the baggy nylon fashion disaster that Boy of 12 was wearing.

"I think you said that I'd need to wear one of those horrid tops and actually also have to pay £25 for it. Is THAT right too?"

Boy of 12 looked sheepish and nodded.

"You see, I don't really 'do' baggy and I'd be wanting to wear my own company branded tops anyway. After all, I'm supposedly freelance remember. Your baggy top does not really match my company 'style' if I'm honest".

Boy of 12 was really struggling by now.

"Ah, but you have to wear one as it's the agreement we have with the Health Club for allowing you to work out of it! Plus, if you started at Starbucks you'd have to wear their tops and not your own."

At this, Boy of 12 looked triumphant.

"So it's a FRANCHISE you're selling me is it? Only you said it was freelance. Oh and I kind of thought the £500 fee every month was my sweetener to the Health Club for working out of it?"

By now, both Gym Ninja and Boy of 12 knew that stalemate had been reached. However Boy of 12 offered to show Gym Ninja around the Health Club, so off they went.

The gym was full of oddbods.
Hmm. Gym Ninja is guessing that the Inbred 'joke' isn't so much of a joke after all.
Boy of 12, having admitted defeat, was still trying to 'sell the benefits' of working from this venue.

"It's just been redecorated" He said.

That kind of sums up the best part of that particular venue. That is has just been redecorated.

"The last PT just left with no warning" Confessed Boy of 12 as he pointed at newly decorated parts of walls.

"Was he eaten by Locals?" Asked Gym Ninja, raising her eyebrow.

Boy of 12 looked a bit confused, so Gym Ninja decided she'd play nice from now on.  Moving back to the main reception area, Boy of 12 said he would pass on to Head office the feedback Gym Ninja had given him as to why the location and company wasn't suitable.  Gym Ninja then thanked him for his time, apologised for not wanting to go ahead with the arrangement, and just as she was leaving, heard a small voice shout...

"If you change your mind, call me? I mean, even if it's a few months down the line and you want to give it a go, give me a call yeh?"

Desperate? Much?

At that, Gym Ninja left behind Land of the Inbred and drove off into more 'human' territory....

Gym Ninja x

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Butter Ninja

So...a late blogging update. AGAIN!
Seriously, where does the time go now that Gym Ninja suffered the Fondant Fancy (see older blogs for what that means!)? Remarkable!

Anyhow, Gym Ninja may as well update you as to the Monday and Tuesday gym sessions, as neither one alone is able to sustain your greedy hunger. Both combined may suffice..?


Gym Ninja was in a bit of a playful mood Monday. Having eaten a tad carb-heavy over the weekend, GN decided it was back to 'Eating clean keeps me lean' (to be chanted throughout the day). That plus bionic level workouts should sort any carb hangover out good and proper (as the saying goes).

Most of the day was spent writing up a fitness and nutrition plan for a new online client based over in America. It's really time consuming as every person and their requirements are different, so not only does Gym Ninja have to ensure that the programme will help them reach their goals, but  also needs to take into account any available equipment, preferences, time restraints etc. Once that was done, it was time to hit the gym.

Now for some reason, Gym Ninja had an attack of the 'smirks' whilst driving. As she pulled into the car park, something amusing fluttered through her mind, causing her to break out into a big grin...exactly as she passed a rather alarmed looking guy. PAH!
Now Gym Ninja looks simple!
However, now Gym Ninja found this to be amusing too, got out of the car, walked towards the main doors (still grinning like a looney) and BAM!
Spotted by another person.
Gym Ninja will surely be branded as one of those weirdos who walk along smiling 'out loud' to themselves....Best snap out of it and go into 'Workout Lockdown' mode ....

Gym Ninja's run was effortless today. Probably due to the excess of carbs over the weekend that would ensure the muscles were full of glycogen to fuel the run, but mostly due to the excess of buff arms sported by equally buff men at the gym. It makes for a very scenic treadmill workout. ;-)

Once the rather 'scenic' run was complete, and as the gym was busy, Gym Ninja decided it would be foolhardy to linger in the main gym simply because of the arm candy, so headed to the safety of the ladies only gym.

Once in there, Gym Ninja selected the weights required and set up camp at the corner of the room. In the corner of her eye, Gym Ninja noticed a Personal Trainer meandering around the room.....

Now this PT is older and Gym Ninja has noticed does tend to be one of the few who target the women only area (clever guy)...wandering around, approaching women and offering to show them a few moves (ooer!).

 Today he had a resistance tubing move and he was hand picking women to 'play with his tube!' 
*Insert your own Frankie Howard/Benny Hill/Sid James style voice here*

As Gym Ninja attempted to work her legs, she could not help but watch as the PT became VERY hands on. Now being hands on is often essential to guide a client into the correct position or to help them get the mind/body connection. You ask the client if they are OK with it? They  then say yay or nay.

However this guy was ALL Over the women. Touching ALL the time. Not in any dodgy areas, but all the same, excessively. It really started to unnerve Gym Ninja. Made her feel all uncomfortable. At one point he got so hands on that Gym Ninja feared the client was one hand-span away from becoming a Glove Puppet.....!
In the end, it was no good. GN would have to cut her workout short and leave the room. It was like an Open Day for Midwifery in there.......


Ahh, Tuesday my old friend.  It seems like SO long ago.
Well Tuesday brought a big fat job interview. Yep.
OK so less 'interview' and more 'informal discussion' regarding another location where Gym Ninja could potentially work out of as a PT. Of course fees always need to be paid, so Gym Ninja was interested to hear what the guy had to say.
Pimp Gym Ninja out Mr!

As this was a non-active interview Gym Ninja was unsure as to what 'theme' she should be? No point rocking up in fitness gear now was there? Plus the location (luxury waterfront hotel) meant that she'd probably not get past the door if she did. Hmm.
Of course, the whole 'suited and booted' option was too OTT as well. So..what to wear?

In the end Gym Ninja decided to go as a 'girl'. Black knee length dress, black peep-toe heels and a cute belted trench coat. Now Gym Ninja felt a little like a French Spy!
Spy Ninja!

On route, however, Gym Ninja found herself to be incredibly distracted by a trailer trash style denim bikini, on sale for a rather bargainous £12.  It'd seem rude to pass up on that eh? Yes, only Gym Ninja can buy an unnecessary bikini on route to a job interview....

The bikini bought, Gym aka Spy Ninja, then stood by the Shopping Mall lifts to check on her mobile emails. Oooh an email! Excellent! Best reply to it straight away.

"Excuse me. Does this lift take you down to the carpark love?" Asked a woman with a pram.

Spy Ninja looked up.

"I've no clue, sorry" Before continuing with her email.

"Do you know if it goes to the store level then?" Continued the woman.
"Only I need the car park you see"


Spy Ninja stopped emailing and looked at the woman.

*Deep Breath*

"To be honest, I have NO clue where the lift goes, as I am in no way related or linked to the lifts in any way, shape or form, so unfortunately I cannot be of any assistance".

AHHHR! People!

Spy Ninja made her way to the venue, slid into the hotel lobby and ordered a cup of tea.

"I'll bring it over" Said the man at the bar, so Spy Ninja took a seat in the lobby to wait for the tea, and the Gym Pimp to arrive.

2 minutes later Spy Ninja had a teapot, cup and saucer and a rack of egg timers in front of her...

Apparently when the black sand ran out that meant that the loose tea had steeped long enough in the pot and her cuppa was ready.

Spy Ninja's first thought..
"OMG how impressive?"

Spy Ninja's second thought..
'I'm SO not gonna be able to afford to pay for this...!"

As Spy Ninja sipped her billion pound cup of tea that was only just lukewarm, she spotted a figure in the distance that appeared to be the Gym Pimp. What to do?

A) Go over and risk looking as if GN was doing a runner from the billion pound cuppa?
B)  Stay seated and miss out on a job interview.

A or B?
A or B?

Ah well. Who needs an interview?

Luckily Gym Pimp came over and introduced himself, and a rather interesting discussion commenced which has now resulted in a follow up practical session next week. Stay tuned........ Oh and in case you are wondering, Gym Pimp offered Spy Ninja a second cuppa (this time without fancy egg timer) and so when Spy Ninja departed she walked out with a 'He will pick up the tab' kind of a face.

Did a runner!!!!

Later that evening Gym Ninja headed to the gym. Today it would be Cross Trainer cardio, and oooh, lucky lucky Gym Ninja managed to get the Cross Trainer next to the Worlds Nosiest Woman who HAD to look and stare and turn her head around like an owl to look at every single person that walked past.

Gym Ninja was also to drop her iPhone for the first time next to Nosy Woman. The first of 7 times it was dropped during that workout! Seriously! What is WRONG with Gym Ninja? Admittedly 2 of those times happened after GN had done some Zottman Curls and Spider Curls for her biceps, but it was just utter clumsiness  prior to that!  Plus it had to be clumsiness as Gn also managed to loop and twang her earphones over various pieces of resistance kit 3 times.

Ahh, not much of the gym stuff in that was there? This is why Gym Ninja fills you all up on faffy interview fodder instead.

More you will then get the follow up to LAST week's Gym Pimp Midget story..... ;-)

Gym Ninja x

Monday, 7 June 2010

Belated Saturday Slaughter!



Sorry sorry sorry for the lack of blogging.

Now...let us dash headlong into a new post to make up for it eh?

Yep, another Slaughter Session. Wooohooo! Just what we love eh?
The night before Gym Ninja had packed up an overnight case (aka a 'we are going away for a week sized suitcase') ready for a quick exit that morning. A night out Saturday in a different city was planned and Gym Ninja always runs late anyway so being prepared meant that running late wouldn't happen...theoretically anyway!
So, with bags aplenty stuffed into the Mini Cooper, off GN sped to the gym.

Gym Ninja had spent the past day carb loading to ensure she had the energy for a tough session. Just in case (ahem) two mini energy drinks were quaffed too. Perhaps not the brightest of ideas as within 10 minutes GN had eyes like saucers!

No time for a warm up elsewhere, Gym Nina strode straight into the Spin Studio.

"You're not gonna like this..." Said Dangly in a sing song voice, a smirk on his face.

Gym Ninja stopped dead.


"She's not in is she?" Said Gym Ninja through gritted teeth.

"Nope!" He smirked.
"And just you wait and see who IS taking the class.."

Hmm, Gym Ninja was NOT amused. She was wired off two energy shots and now this? Pah!

Taking up residency on her usual Spin Bike, Gym Ninja started to warm up, a sulky look on her face, which, matched with the wired eyes made her look like a teenage Meerkat.


The door opened and in

Dangly looked at Gym Ninja and smirked.
STOP the smirking Dangly!'s stand in Spin Instructor was a peroxide blonde version of Jo Brand.
In a crop top.

Let us just say it was as well that Gym Ninja already had saucer Meerkat eyes...

So, with the music, on Jo Brand on her bike and Gym Ninja cursing under her breath, the hour long session began...

Have you ever done a spin class to the sounds of techno soft rock?

Well, what a treat you have in store if you ever do get the chance. It is quite frankly bizarre! It really doesn't work, and yet because you are so incredulous about the whole thing, it makes for a very interesting mix.

The play list contained, among many, soft rock anthems by Roxette, Bon Jovi...oh and what soft rock playlist is complete without
"POISONNNNNNNNNNNNNN, You're Poison running through my veins................." to cycle along to?

Throughout the class about 7 people hopped off their bikes and galloped out of the room to 'refill at the water fountain'. Yeh right! NOBODY ever leaves the room for water. Gym Ninja had a feeling they did so to

1. Laugh!
2. Get a grip of reality and try and make sense of having heard techno soft rock.

Saying that, it was a cracking class! A real tough workout and you know what? Gym Ninja would happily do her class again. Gym Ninja has a soft spot for soft rock donchaknow, and that class certainly got her heart rate up.

Sweating profusely yet in a glamorous way, Gym Ninja left the Spin Studio and headed to the ladies only section of the gym. As GN walked through the door, she ducked!
DO NOT stand right by a doorway and perform lateral dumbbell raises! Gym Ninja's head was nearly panned in my a ponsy 1kg pink dumbbell!

A tough and relentless leg session ensued. Gym Ninja planned on wearing a short dress out on the own that night so nothing was allowed to have  even a smidgen of wobble about it! By the time the session was complete, you could bounce coins off Gym Ninja's lower body and expect one to ping back at you!
A job well done!

Quaffing her post workout Maximuscle shake Gym Ninja staggered to the showers.

Stupid nasty showers.

Seriously, just when you think that one square of light that covers just one of the 16 cubicles, leaving the rest in shadowy darkness wasn't bad enough.

Nor the fact that they are 'pump action' showers...pump the button and get 6 seconds of drizzly water as a reward before it shuts off...isn't bad enough.

Oh and let us not forget that the shower cubicles are crafted from pink toilet doors..a if that isn't bad enough...

Today, the showers smelled of urine.

Well thank you VERY much you dirty cow whoever you are!
Saying that, maybe it was a new person confused by the toilety exterior of the shower cubicles....?

Anyhow, none of this is nice Ninja chat now is it?

Time Gym Ninja logged off! She is being distracted by emails from Cactus K and at this rate it'll be a week Tuesday before this gets posted!

Glad Ninja is back eh?
Good people!!!!!!

Gym Ninja x

Thursday, 3 June 2010


Gym Ninja has been rather busy, hence the hit & miss blogging you are encountering.
Normal Service will be resumed at some point.

Anyhow, as a reward for your perseverance, Gym Ninja shall today regale you with her job interview, and tomorrow you are guaranteed 'part two', detailing today's  trip to the gym. Spoiled, the lot of you!

Today Gym Ninja had an interview. The role was via a fitness agency who subcontract out trainers to gyms. No other info was known about this so Gym Ninja went with an open (aka fairly closed already) mind....out to a gym (part of a chain) in a bit of an odd place. Odd as in 'home of the interbred', in case you were wondering?

Gym Ninja arrived and was invited to wait in the main reception, as the Interviewer  had not yet arrived.

10 minutes later and someone introduced himself to Gym Ninja.

"Hi, you must be Ninja?" Said a voice.

Gym Ninja turned to the sound and in front of her stood a boy of 12. Actually, a grown man but with a face of a boy of 12.
Gym Ninja smiled.

"Would you like to move to this table please as there is a socket for my laptop?".

Boy of 12 gestured to a table near the wall so Gym Ninja stood up to follow him.


Gym Ninja quickly looked down at the floor, to see why Boy of 12 was standing in a hole?


*raises eyebrow*

Boy of 12 was not standing in a hole. Boy of 12 is teeeeeeeeny tiny.

Gym Ninja followed the midget to the next table and sat down, whilst he faffed with his laptop.

"Did you find us OK?" He asked.

Gym Ninja hates that question & is always tempted to reply with a 'no'.

"Yes, yes no problems" Replied Gym Ninja, forcing that smile.

"Gooooooood" He replied.
"I'm just setting the laptop up as I need to show you some spreadsheets soon."

Gym Ninja nodded.

"Did you find us OK?"

Seriously? You're asking Gym Ninja the question AGAIN?

Gym Ninja decided to ignore the question, and listened politely as Boy of 12 asked her what she knew about the service his company offered?

"Well, as I understand it, as a Fitness Agent, you get some sort of cut for hiring me out...a bit like a Pimp?"  

Yes, that WAS the word that fell from GN's mouth. Remarkable!

Boy of 12 looked alarmed, admitted he'd never been called a Pimp before, and then began his explanation.  

In a nutshell, what they do is charge all Personal Trainers a £500 MONTHLY license fee, and then the PT is free to work as and when they wish. For this, Gym Ninja would get use of the facilities and the opportunity to approach the sweaty members.

"So, let me clarify if I may, what it is you offer for this £500 monthly fee? I get the use of the gym and I can approach the members right?"

Boy of 12 nodded.

"Anything else for the £500? Anything YOU actually do?"  Asked Gym Ninja, hoping that there would be...

Turns out, having rephrased the same two things (access to the gym and the members) 5 times in response to Gym Ninja repeating her question as many times, it turns out they do sweet FA......

"The first month is free..." Announced Boy of 12, as if to tempt Gym Ninja into trying the role.

At this Gym Ninja showed a glimmer of interest.

"All you have to pay is a start up cost of £350. That covers 2 days of sales training and you get shown how to do the computer work. Oh and yeh you need to pay £20 for the top you'll wear with the club logo on it".

At this, Boy of 12 pointed to his cheap, tacky baggy Tee Shirt made out of fabric that would produce enough static electricity to power Milton Keynes for a fortnight...

*cue unimpressed stare from Gym Ninja*

Anyhow, the 'chat' lasted 2 hours and involved Boy of 12 deciding Gym Ninja would be perfect for another club where they urgently required a female Personal Trainer...that'd be in a town even MORE interbred than the one they were in (gee thanks!). He also regaled GN with how he part exchanged his old Fiesta for a new Corsa. Not exactly an essential Personal Trainer job interview stock question, but something he seemed keen to share nonetheless.

"I know it's a bit tame but I'm not allowed anything else because of the 'wedding'". At this, Boy of 12 rolled his eyes in a slightly embarrassed way.

Gym Ninja decided it would be kinder not to point out that as a Boy of 12, the likelihood of his balls having not dropped yet would explain why he is allowing his fiancĂ© to control his choice of vehicle,  and that when he is 'all grown up' he may be able to progress to something less emasculating?  Gym Ninja also decided this was the Boy of 12's way of ensuring that Gym Ninja knew he was getting laid on a regular basis.
Yeh right...enjoy your midget sex life Boy of 12, for it'll all stop once Mrs Boy of 12 gets that band on her finger!!!!

"So, I think I'd like to invite you back for a second interview and practical session at the other club if that's ok 'Ninj'?"

Boy of 12 smiled.

"It's OK if I call you 'Ninj' isn't it? Only I do it all the time, shorten peoples names. Even if their name is short I cut a letter off!"

Boy of 12 was still smiling.

Gym NINJA was not.

"Hmm, yeh... you see Ninj is what my family call me. Gym Ninja is fine for you I think". Nodded Gym Ninja, smiled, and thenagreed to return the following week purely for the comedy blogging value alone.

So with that, Gym Ninja and Boy of 12 stood up. Gym Ninja crouched down to shake Boy of 12's teeny tiny hand and then made her exit, safe in the knowledge she WILL make him cry when she finally does reject him and his extortionate license fee...

Gym Ninja x