Saturday Slaughter is back baby!

Lookey lookey! A gym blog!

YAY! Finally!

Yep, 2 weekends ago Gym Ninja hit up her usual Saturday Slaughter Session. Ahh, it' s always good to start the weekend working up a sweat of some sort.  Gym Ninja dragged herself out of bed, packed her bag (well, her GYM bag-she wasn't running away from home remember) & set out for the gym. 


At the gym reception, a burly man was stood blocking the entrance, whistling along awkwardly to Madonna's Get Into The Groove. SO wrong a song choice to whistle along to Mr! Anyway, on with the story. Gym Ninja stuffed her gym bag into the locker and after a quick warm up went upstairs towards the Spin Studio, an hour of hardcore sweating awaiting her...


OMG!

Sat on Gym Ninja's regular 'creature of habit I do not like change' spin bike.....was .... a girl.


Whoah there lady! You must be new? GYM NINJA sits on that bike! ........


Sat on the bike next to Gym Ninja's now STOLEN bike was Dangly Cross Man. Now that was a betrayal and a half as he knew that was Gym Ninja's bike Goddamit! Why didn't he protect it?


With eyes the size of saucers due to incredulity of the situation (Dangly should have prevented the poor innocent woman from  stealing Gym Ninja's place in front of the aircon vent) Gym Ninja slinked further into the room.  The Spin Instructor greeted her with a 'where have YOU been lately' comment &  smile.


"Er, more importantly, what's going on HERE?" Gestured Gym Ninja, waggling her hand towards the stolen bike.


"Ahh, she's ok. She's my mate." Smiled the Spin Instructor. 


Great. Pfft!


Next minute...


"HEY! ... YOU NEED TO GET OFF THE BIKE! GYM NINJA SITS THERE AND SHE WANTS YOU OFF HER BIKE!"


Gee thanks Spin Instructor. How 'terribly' subtle.


The girl turned and looked at GN.  


"Oh sorry, shall I get off it?"  


Gym Ninja looked at the girl. Bugger.


"No no, don't be silly, it's not MY bike. It's just that I usually always every single week sit there, that's all. It's not 'mine' per say . Stay where you are, honestly, it's not a problem."


*cue forced smile*


"Are you sure? I can get off it you know. It's no problem". 


At this, the bike thief started to dismount.


Uhh.


You know when you WANT them to do it? To get off the bike? Yet you know you can't actually allow them to do so for fear of being rumbled in terms of how pedantic you are?


Pfft.


With a casual 'it really doesn't matter' wave, Gym Ninja sat on another bike. 


*sulks*


This bike felt funny. Stupid new bike...


Realising her water bottle was empty, GN then hopped off the nasty new bike & headed out to the water fountain. Already there was Spin Instructor.


"My mate was asking about you today!" She said, smirking.


Gym Ninja looked blank.


Spin Instructor elaborated.


"Remember him? The Fighter? He came to spin ages ago & really fancies you? He asked whether the fit girl would be there today. He meant you!"


Now Gym Ninja DID recall the Fighter. How could one not? When a ripped guy strides into a darkened Spin Room a girl does tend to clock him. In fact he made it to two sessions before Spin Instructor stuck him up on the bike at the front of the class, then part way through came over to Gym Ninja who was drowning in her own sweat. switched her mic off and whispered "My mate fancies you!"  jerking her head back in the direction (& RIGHT in the line of vision) of the Fighter. 


Awkward was NOT the word. Needless to say he'd never come back since! 


'I told him you'd had two weeks off spin whilst your new tattoo across your arse healed. He loved that!" 


At this, Spin Instructor elbowed Gym Ninja in the ribs, laughed evilly and walked off.


Great. How terribly embarrassing!


The hour of spin went slowly, partly due to the new unknown bike that recreated a bicycle version of 'Princess & The Pea' with Gym Ninja's backside.  Damn you Bike Thief!  Now Gym Ninja was almost ruined for all men!!!!  Hobbling out of the session like a broken Rodeo Rider, Gym Ninja headed to a stretch area to cool off and stretch out. That'd be the stretch area overlooking the Hydropool. Hmm.


The Hydropool was full of it's usual 'types'. A smattering of incredibly hairy men rocking so much body hair you could see it all matted and tangling from the first floor. It's when the hair on their torso is so long you can see it fanning out onto the surface of the water that tests the stomach! Then there was the Frisky Couple. Usually facially challenged (ugly if being less politically correct) who are rubbing up against each other, oblivious to the looks of disgust from those seated near them.  There is the Pervy Man. He sits bang in the middle of the Hydropool right opposite the steps leading in/out so he has the best view of all the women as they leave. Pervy Man never blinks.  He does slobber excessively though.  Then there are the group of teenage boys who sit  together staring at any girl walking past or using the Hydropool. They look a tad uncomfortable and usually have their hands below the waterline... 


As you can probably gather, today would not be a day Gym Ninja wished to use the Hydropool, so once showered, changed & replenished with her Maximuscle Promax Shake, Gym Ninja made a sharp exit away from stolen Spin Bikes, Matchmaking with Fighters and The Circus in a Hydropool...... 

Belated Saturday Slaughter!

AHHHR!

Sorry.

Sorry sorry sorry for the lack of blogging.

Now...let us dash headlong into a new post to make up for it eh?

Saturday!
Yep, another Slaughter Session. Wooohooo! Just what we love eh?
The night before Gym Ninja had packed up an overnight case (aka a 'we are going away for a week sized suitcase') ready for a quick exit that morning. A night out Saturday in a different city was planned and Gym Ninja always runs late anyway so being prepared meant that running late wouldn't happen...theoretically anyway!
So, with bags aplenty stuffed into the Mini Cooper, off GN sped to the gym.

Gym Ninja had spent the past day carb loading to ensure she had the energy for a tough session. Just in case (ahem) two mini energy drinks were quaffed too. Perhaps not the brightest of ideas as within 10 minutes GN had eyes like saucers!

No time for a warm up elsewhere, Gym Nina strode straight into the Spin Studio.

"You're not gonna like this..." Said Dangly in a sing song voice, a smirk on his face.

Gym Ninja stopped dead.

No.
NONONONONONONONONO!

"She's not in is she?" Said Gym Ninja through gritted teeth.

"Nope!" He smirked.
"And just you wait and see who IS taking the class.."

Hmm, Gym Ninja was NOT amused. She was wired off two energy shots and now this? Pah!

Taking up residency on her usual Spin Bike, Gym Ninja started to warm up, a sulky look on her face, which, matched with the wired eyes made her look like a teenage Meerkat.

BAM!

The door opened and in strode......er.......what??????

Dangly looked at Gym Ninja and smirked.
STOP the smirking Dangly!

So...today's stand in Spin Instructor was a peroxide blonde version of Jo Brand.
Yep.
In a crop top.

Let us just say it was as well that Gym Ninja already had saucer Meerkat eyes...

So, with the music, on Jo Brand on her bike and Gym Ninja cursing under her breath, the hour long session began...

Have you ever done a spin class to the sounds of techno soft rock?
No?
Really?

Well, what a treat you have in store if you ever do get the chance. It is quite frankly bizarre! It really doesn't work, and yet because you are so incredulous about the whole thing, it makes for a very interesting mix.

The play list contained, among many, soft rock anthems by Roxette, Bon Jovi...oh and what soft rock playlist is complete without
"POISONNNNNNNNNNNNNN, You're Poison running through my veins................." to cycle along to?

Throughout the class about 7 people hopped off their bikes and galloped out of the room to 'refill at the water fountain'. Yeh right! NOBODY ever leaves the room for water. Gym Ninja had a feeling they did so to

1. Laugh!
2. Get a grip of reality and try and make sense of having heard techno soft rock.

Saying that, it was a cracking class! A real tough workout and you know what? Gym Ninja would happily do her class again. Gym Ninja has a soft spot for soft rock donchaknow, and that class certainly got her heart rate up.

Sweating profusely yet in a glamorous way, Gym Ninja left the Spin Studio and headed to the ladies only section of the gym. As GN walked through the door, she ducked!
PHEW!
Ladies!
DO NOT stand right by a doorway and perform lateral dumbbell raises! Gym Ninja's head was nearly panned in my a ponsy 1kg pink dumbbell!

A tough and relentless leg session ensued. Gym Ninja planned on wearing a short dress out on the own that night so nothing was allowed to have  even a smidgen of wobble about it! By the time the session was complete, you could bounce coins off Gym Ninja's lower body and expect one to ping back at you!
A job well done!

Quaffing her post workout Maximuscle shake Gym Ninja staggered to the showers.

Uhh!
Stupid nasty showers.

Seriously, just when you think that one square of light that covers just one of the 16 cubicles, leaving the rest in shadowy darkness wasn't bad enough.

Nor the fact that they are 'pump action' showers...pump the button and get 6 seconds of drizzly water as a reward before it shuts off...isn't bad enough.

Oh and let us not forget that the shower cubicles are crafted from pink toilet doors..a if that isn't bad enough...

Today......
*sigh*
Today, the showers smelled of urine.

Well thank you VERY much you dirty cow whoever you are!
Saying that, maybe it was a new person confused by the toilety exterior of the shower cubicles....?

Anyhow, none of this is nice Ninja chat now is it?

Time Gym Ninja logged off! She is being distracted by emails from Cactus K and at this rate it'll be a week Tuesday before this gets posted!

Glad Ninja is back eh?
Good people!!!!!!

Gym Ninja x

Lego Ninja

Gym Ninja is blogging today with slightly darker hair.
Can you tell?
You see, Saturday night ended up to be something of a boring affair, so Gym Ninja, fed up with the slices of red and blonde through the mid layers of her hair (remember Parrot Hair from a few months back?), decided to whack on a temporary colour (28 washes-how terribly precise of them). The temporary colour was 'Medium Brown'. Gym Ninja's actual hair colour is dark brown, so the medium brown should allow darkness but with shades of lightness where the streaks had been. On went the colour, and 20 minutes later Gym Ninja rinsed it off. After rinsing, she also noticed that she had a fetching streak of brown across her shoulders and also her abs...seriously, her abs? How did Gym Ninja manage to drip dye on her torso????? Never mind, time to dry her hair before bed....

Did you all know, that the Hair Dye Industry class 'Medium Brown' as 'pretty goddam close to black with a matt finish'?  
No?
Neither did Gym Ninja.
Seriously, since when did 'Medium Brown' come out THAT dark? Looking back at Gym Ninja in the mirror was something akin to a Lego character.
Nooooooooo!
LEGO NINJA!
Crap. Maybe it'll look better in daylight? It usually does?

Anyway, after the almighty workout that was the 'Saturday Slaughter Session', Gym Ninja returned to the gym Sunday morning for another round of 'sweat until you die'.  Luckily Gym Ninja has never won this game, hence the continuation of the blogs...

Incidentally, no, the Lego Hair did NOT look better in natural daylight. Maybe it'd look better after the first proper wash eh? You know, to soap out the remnants of the last dregs of dye?

Where were we? Ah yes, Lego Ninja was back at the gym. However, there was one problem. Glycogen depletion on a big scale. That'd be the energy stored in Gym Ninja's liver & muscles to fuel the next workout and it was running somewhat low. Uh oh! Maybe Gym Ninja should have refuelled with a few more carbs than usual? Maybe Gym Ninja should have planned a more low intensity workout? Or maybe Gym Ninja should have gotten herself to bed a lot earlier instead of faffing until 1.30am the night before, dying her hair an unflattering shade of boot polish black (oh pardon me, 'Medium Brown') ????

Either way, it was all Gym Ninja could do to drag herself to the gym. Once in the changing rooms, Gym Ninja found a locker, stuffed her bag in, forgot to take out of her bag the gel seat cover for the spin bike (for all the good it does!), dragged the bag back out of the locker, spilled the contents of the bag onto the floor, stuffed the contents back into the bag, retrieved the gel seat cover, returned the bag back into the locker, realised the padlock was still in the bag, dragged it back out of the locker for the second time to retrieve it, before finally closing it.

As Gym Ninja stood at the aptly named Vanity Area, fiddling with the knot of wire that was supposedly her headphones, she felt something.....something like an intense feeling of being watched.  Snapping her eyes upwards to the mirror, Gym Ninja saw a woman stood behind her, staring at Gym Ninja via the reflection of the mirror.  Now that Gym Ninja had noticed, she waited for the woman to look away.
The woman did NOT look away.
The woman continued to stare.
Hmm.
Does the woman think she is a Vampire and that she cannot be seen in the mirror?
Is the woman just hard faced?
Or is there a huge streak of hair dye down the neck and over the ears of Gym Ninja?
Gym Ninja decided that out of the three, quite possibly option 1 (vampire) was most likely, closely followed by brown ears like a teddy.
PAH!

Gym Ninja aka Lego Ninja aka Teddy Eared Ninja headed to the Spin Studio. Would the regulars notice that GN had been replaced by a plastic Lego Character?
if they did, they were too polite to mention it. In fact the lego hair appeared to draw people to Gym Ninja.

"Got yourself a job yet?' Barked Dangly.

Gym Ninja stared back at him with her best 'it is 24 hours since I last saw you and also the weekend so don't even ASK me that and not expect to get a rude answer' face.

Then, a guy who Gym Ninja now recalls as the same guy who approached her months ago to try and 'recruit' her for Yoga began to talk to her. Let us name him 'Cult Man'.

"They are starting up Kangoo again today you know. Have you ever tried it?" Asked Cult Man.

Gym Ninja shook her Lego head in response.

"Ahh, well you really should you know. All you need it a big thick pair of socks, and you reserve the Kangoo boots at reception. It's really low impact. Reduces impact by up to 80%. Remarkable!"

At this, Cult Man rolled his eyes knowingly.

See, now here's the thing. The LAST exercise craze Gym Ninja is likely to partake in is Kangoo. Are you all aware of it? Think bouncing around, Benny Hill style, on roller blades without the blades (and in their place bit springs). Here is a link... www.kangoojumps.ch
Once you have stopped laughing, click on Kangoo Jumps Uses and enjoy the comedy value of the video..
Gym Ninja's favourite parts of the video are the humiliation on the face of the guy in black as he boings up and down inbetween the two girls in the sun, the fact they are trying to tell people that ARMY boot camp people use Kangoo boots (yeh right) and the ABSOLUTE BEST bit that you will unfortunately have to watch the video until the end to see, is what they call 'Kangoo Power'. Seriously, HOW mental does that guy look?????

So...no. No, Gym Ninja will never ever try Kangoo. Never! Gym Ninja does not 'boing in a comedy fashion'....

Spin was typically torturous. Luckily the Instructor decided that it would be Spin Climb which allowed for more standing hills, which did help reduce the 'Spin Saddle injury' Gym Ninja had done to herself the day before. However it was tough. NOOOOOOOO glycogen to fall back on, and only the scent of sweaty, newly dyed hair to spur her on alongside the view of a chubby man's bottom wiggling in front of her. Yuk!

Once the class finished an hour later, Gym Ninja dried off in the changing rooms, popped some BCAAs and continued with her upper body session. Taking up a seat on the cable row, Gym Ninja selected her weight and then...

*boing boing boing boing boing boing boing*

Circling the weights area on the top floor of the gym (it is spread over two floors) is an indoor running track. Now running along the track were the participants of the Kangoo Class....
OMG.
No.
Get AWAY with the freaky boinging. Make it GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gym Ninja had to put up with at least 3 laps of boinging as she worked her back. Bloody infuriating it was, especially as there were at least 3 girls (and 2 men) who should have worn a sports bra before 'boinging' like that! Time to get focussed and work that upper body hard. That way, no amount of boinging would distract Gym Ninja.

True to her word, Gym Ninja slaughtered her upper body. Upping the volume by throwing in an additional exercise for each muscle group worked to surprise the body and encourage growth. By the end of the workout, Gym Ninja had completely blasted any strength and co-ordination remaining which resulted in an infuriating case of 'Drop the Sweat Towel'.  It goes a little something like this...

Finish final set of Skull Crushers.
Sit up, then reach for the Sweat Towel on the floor to wipe onself down.
Hold the Sweat Towel for all of 2 seconds before dropping it.
Grasp Sweat Towel again.
Get Sweat Towel a little closer to face before dropping it back on the floor.
Look around to check if anyone nearby is sniggering at Gym Ninja?
Attempt a third grasp of the Sweat Towel, wipe away sweat, begin to stand up and...drop Sweat Towel.
AHHR!
It was like a game of Grabber; the game whereby you use a joystick to try and steer a giant claw into picking up the empty iPod box nestled amongst a selection of acid green and yellow cuddly toys, having paid £2 for the privilege.

Stretching out of the muscles ensued, before Gym Ninja headed back to the changing rooms for her post workout Maximuscle shake and a nice hot  shower...let us all hope that Drop The Sweat Towel does not manifest into a more advanced adult game of  Drop The Bath Towel or it'll be yet another case of  .Naked Ninja blinds the 5000...........'

Right!
Enough already. You should all be doing something else instead of reading this blog as well you know.  See you back in the gym.....

Gym Ninja xx

Back with a Vengeance! Saturday Slaughter Session

Having skipped the usual Saturday Slaughter Sessions the past 2 weeks due to other escapades (such as BodyPower), this weekend saw Gym Ninja return to her usual routine. To those unaware, it involves a one hour intense Spin Class (the only fitness 'class' GN will partake in) then a weights session.

Up & bursting with energy (gotta love the effects of Udos Oil already), Gym Ninja packed up her bag, slithered into her 'go-faster' lycra and pootled off to the Gym.

Ahead of Gym Ninja at the gym entrance was a Tall OAP. Freaky things Tall OAPs. This one was well over 6 foot....he walked through the door and promptly let it slam in GN's face!
Correction, Tall OAPs are both freaky and RUDE...

Gym Ninja warmed up with a 10 minute run. BCAAs were popped to preserve the lean muscle prior to such an intense workout, as was a cheeky energy shot in readiness for what lay ahead.  Then it was upstairs to the Spin Studio to take up residence on her usual Spin Bike. Woe betide anyone who may have taken it in her two week absence.

Warming up in the Spin Studio was Dangly Cross Earrings Man (who incidentally has never worn those earrings since so maybe needs a new name?) who takes the bike next to Gym Ninja's.  Pleasantries were exchanged...along the lines of..

"Where have you been for the past two weeks lazy arse?"

"Well hello to you too", Replied Gym Ninja, before explaining the reason for her absence (plus also mentioning the 'getting fired from her job' escapade).

Thus followed an oddball selection of conversational topics as the bikes were set up, mostly revolving around hairy people in the swimming pool, as Dangly had just been for a swim himself.

"I find it weird that the men with excessive body hair wear swim caps" Confided Dangly, screwing his face up in disgust. "There's this one guy who swims in the pool and he's covered in black hair! It's disgusting!"

"Soggy Teddy Man? Eww, yes I've seen him!" Remarked Gym Ninja. "He looks like a bear that fell in the water and his hair looks like it all knots up when it gets wet".

At that last comment, both Gym Ninja & Dangly went quiet, both horrified at the image that had just popped up in their brains...an image that was dissipated on arrival of the Fab Spin Instructor.

The room soon filled up with the regulars.. Bread Head was in, as was Clippy. Short Shorts sat on his usual bike, as did Mouth and Co (she brings a younger guy with her to every class and he sits there 'mute' throughout-hence now being recognised as 'and Co'). The lights were lowered, the stereo cranked up and off everyone went......

Holy Schmoly, the session was HARDCORE! Yet Gym Ninja's energy levels were high so the sweat just poured out, plastering her hair to her head (who's a Soggy Teddy now eh?). T'was as if Gym Ninja wore blinkers too, as she barely noticed Short Shorts with his out of rhythm bouncing around in front of her bike (very infuriating if you do notice it).

After an hour and nearly 600 cals later (not bad going for Gym Ninja's frame..calorie burn is linked with body weight you see) Gym Ninja staggered out, drenched in sweat and wondering why, despite using her padded gel seat cover, she still felt marginally violated by her Spin Bike?

But there was no time for resting. Not when energy levels were still bubbling. So, with more BCAAs popped, Gym Ninja began her leg workout.

Squats, Deadlifts, Lunges in various directions, Romanian deadlifts, Leg Press, Leg Extension, Hanging Roman Chair Alternate Leg Raises........Gym Ninja totally beasted her lower body until it could barely totter across the gym.

Whilst resting between sets, Gym Ninja took a peek out of the window overlooking the Hydropool and Main Swimming Pool.

Hmmm......

Sat incredibly close together in a swirl of bubbling foamy water (bleuurr), were two men and one woman. It went 'man, man, woman' as the order they were sat in. Middle aged people, nothing to look at....and yet there was something a bit 'odd' about them. A 'vibe' they were giving out? Maybe they looked a bit too excited by the bubbles of the Hydropool? Was that it? Perhaps the fact they were sat SO incredibly close to each other? Maybe that was it? Or, perhaps it was all of these things, combined with the fact that one of the men had lifted his legs up so he jiggled in the bubbles? Either way, Gym Ninja really regretted looking out of the window!

Quick! Look away!

Bleuurr!

Gym Ninja's eyes rested upon Skins. Now Skins is a guy who manages to colour-match to perfection his swimming trunks to his skin tone, making him appear naked as he walks about around the pool. This is really not a good thing....and right up there with flesh toned lingerie in Gym Ninjas LIST OF BAD THINGS.  Gym Ninja snapped her head around....and was promptly met with a view of the Threesome again, who by now had become quite giggly and were stroking each others arms... Time to wind up this Gym Session! Gym Ninja quickly headed back to her barbell, finished off her moves and stretched out to finish. PHEW! Well done Gym Ninja!

Staggering down the stairs and into the Changing Rooms (always a sign of a good leg session when Gym Ninja walks like a baby giraffe) it was time for a  quick shower, running the risk of third degree burns should the showers again be at the water temperature of the sun. Luckily the water temperature was fine. However, Gym Ninja did not manage to nab the only shower cubicle that has all of the strip lighting above it and instead had to shower in near darkness in one of the others. PLEASE sort the lighting out? Gym Ninja does not wish to shower in darkness.

Once clean, dressed and ready to leave, Gym Ninja mixed up her usual refreshing  Promax protein shake in choc mint flavour, and then headed out of the door, freaking out about 3 guys training on the gym floor who had blatantly never seen a woman drink from a Protein Shaker bottle before....uhhr!

Until tomorrow Ninjarettes.....

Gym Ninja x

Saturday Slaughter!!!!!!!!

YAY!
Saturday Slaughter Session again! It feels like a lifetime since the last one no?

Today Gym Ninja found herself running late for her gym session. Nothing like feeling rushed to get oneself into the wrong frame of mind for a workout, so having stuffed her kit (plus Personal Training bag of evil & 'Dave the BOSU') into the car, Gym Ninja screeched into the car park and hurtled into the gym.

MADE IT! Phew!

Gym Ninja exchanged pleasantries with Dangly Cross Man as they set up their bikes ready for an hour of Advanced Spin. Gym Ninja then necked her energy shot and..

BLEAURRRR!

What IS this? Gym Ninja looked down and realised she'd not grabbed the usual TARGET Energy Shot off the shelf and instead had another brand that gave Gym Ninja 'Doll Eye' Now 'Doll Eye' is when the taste is so tart it makes  one eye close uncontrollably, akin to one of those old fashioned plastic dolls with the rattly eyes?

The Fab Instructor arrived and the room filled up-quite a mix today. Lots of Newbies in the room. The lights went off, the music blared out and off eveyone went on a hour of hellish Spin.  Gym Ninja noticed that a few of the women today had unsupported boobs. LADIES LADIES LADIES! You may think because you are cycling you have no need for a sports bra, but the tissue moves and jiggles and STRETCHES so you need to wear a sports bra even in Spin OK? If you don't you will end up with tennis balls in socks for boobs, or Snoopy Nose boobs!
*Tisk*

OH NO!

Half way through the class, Gym Ninja was assaulted! Assaulted by an unknown 'Ahhh Bisto' person.  That is a person who has a stench that is SO strong you can almost see the vapors in the air.  Yuk! Not nice when one is gasping for air themselves.

After the Spin Class Gym Ninja decided to warm down on the Treadmill...but what did she find herself next to? Only a woman running whilst reading a magazine! Yep! RUNNING, with a trashy mag propped on the treadmill. How is that even possible? GN knows she WAS reading it as she kept turning the pages.   Also, as ever, the TVs had cookery shows on. Apparenty the world's most expensive TUNA was sold in January weighing a whopping 500lbs! It was sold for £110 MILLION! Wonder if John West bought it????????

Lower Body work followed the cardio (always better to train legs after cardio as if you train hard then it can mean your knees are vulnerable when running after training with weights) an Gym Ninja slammed them! Barbell squats, Romanian Deadlifts, one Legged Deadlifts, Lunges, Frontal Plane Lunges.Gym Ninja was walking like a baby foal after her session.

When safely staggered back to the changing room, Gym Ninja was greeted by the world's BIGGEST woman! She was like a GIANT! Far bigger than any of the previous giants GN has mentioned. She must have been about 6 foot 2" tall in her bare feet, quite chunky, and wearing a leopard print top and a visor! Gym Ninja felt like one of the Borrower Midget people when she walked past her....

After showering, GN was getting ready whilst standing in her bra, and touching up her make up/doing her hair at the mirrors near the changing room entrance, when an announcement came over the tannoy....

"Female First AIder to the Ladies Sauna!"

Golly! Maybe someone was melting in there? Gym Ninja leaned forward and did her mascara...yep. GN forgot she's a First Aider but as she doesn't work there then who is she to bother anyway?

A girl rushed into the changing rooms, past GN and towards the sauna. That'd be the First Aider.

Next minute, in rushes a MALE first aider.
Er..........hang fire! Gym Ninja is in her BRA here mr!

HOW annoying! Why can't there be a FIRE? Gym Ninja doesn't mind a Fireman rushing in..........

Once clothed and mascara'd up, Gym Ninja departed, onwards to her Personal Training Client who is doing remarkably well with her self-discipline, even proudly showing GN her healthily stocked fridge and freezer!!!!! The client is also besotted by Gym Ninja's BOSU (named Dave).  Gym Ninja finds naming her PT equipment helps make it easier for clients to swear at the stuff when things get tough...... and swear she did (albeit only in small doses).

Okey dokey, it's getting late and GN has to get up for a Groundhog Spin session in the morning.  Sorry for the abrupt end to the blog but never mind...plenty more blogging posts in the sea.. ;-)

Gym Ninja x

Sunday Gym Ninja

OK, so today GN is typing on the normal computer, hence the unusual font change yesterday is now a distant memory no?

Rather than go straight into 'Saturday' at FitPro blog post, Gym Ninja is instead going to keep things brief (lots to do you see!) and instead talk about today's Gym Session. The FitPro update will now be tomorrow, as there is much to type up/link to etc.

After a FANTASTIC night's sleep in her own Ninja bed, GN crawled out of bed at 7.30am, still tired yet focussed on getting up for the Sunday Spin Class. That & the fact that the Grandchildren 'alarm' from next door had screeched through the walls....why don't children lie in? Gym Ninja always had a lie in as a child...

Now as Fitpro had been sponsored by Lucozade Sport, GN had been given a free 'rehydrating' Lucozade drink. Not the 'insulin spike in a bottle' fizzy sugary nonsense. The Sports one. Ideal for fuelling GNs hour long Spin Session seeing as she was sooooooooo tired.  As GN walked into the Spin Studio, she was greeted by the instructor and then picked a bike.  Dangly Cross Man came over, demanding to know where GN has been the past week or so.

"It was full yesterday!" He said. "They had to turn 5 people away too!"
Good job GN wasn't there then eh?

The regular crowd was in. Bread Head, Clippy (although Gym Ninja didn't notice her until the end), Cyclist Man (the one who obviously spends every waking hour cycling-it's the vibe he exudes), Short Shorts man...the whole shebang really.  Thanks to the Lucozade Sport (pointless really until you are doing cardio for an hour plus and are a tad cab depleted..which was applicable in Gym Ninja's case). The class was challenging & actually went rather quickly. The Lucozade did what it was supposed to do, & Gym Ninja actually felt more energised after the hour of sweating (burning off 430 calories according to the Polar Heart Rate Monitor) than she had done going in!

Now for the upper body workout. AHHHR! Gym Ninja forgot that the Assisted Pull Up Machine has handles the thickness of aubergines. Gym Ninja is too ladylike to be able to grasp her hands around such a girth. Makes the exercise a whole level more difficult! But, it gives a fantastic stretch and also a great workout, so GN struggled on, praying her grip didn't give out as she lowered herself slowly down...

Moving to the quiet of the Ladies Only Gym area, Gym Ninja could then superset her exercises with a bout of skipping. What is it about skipping that PULLS people towards the rope? Gym Ninja can happily stand miles away from anyone normally, yet the moment the jump rope appears, people start to hover around the circumference of the area GN is skipping in. How soon before someone gets lashed in the face by it?

The upper body session went without any major distractions. Oh wait, no. There WAS a girl in today doing every single exercise with a backwards bend to her. Almost like she was constantly at a 45' angle leaning backwards. Very weird. Not seen that before. She walked a bit like 'Mr Soft', you know, the guy from the Trebor ads? (www.youtube.com/MrSoft)

Then there was a brief annoyance when Gym Ninja got off a bench to change her dumbbell selection, only to return to find a girl doing triceps dips off it! There were a few free benches. Why Gym Ninjas?  Grr.

Once the workout was complete & Gym Ninja had stretched out, she went to fill her water bottle from the water fountain & spied this next to it, resting on the bin...

Lipgloss!

I mean, Gym Ninja likes to look very well groomed when working out, but honestly has NEVER actually brought make up into the gym area! Who's is this?  So, with the fresh water ready to add to her post workout Promax shake (choc mint, mmm) Gym Ninja's workout was complete.

Talking of choc mint Promax, Gym Ninja spotted a Promax Mini (that'd be the small tubs as opposed to the vehicle) offer on the Maximuscle site at the moment.  If you buy two tubs of normal sized Promax protein powder (in whatever flavour you like), they give you a FREE Mini tub of Promax CHOC MINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mmmmmm. Gym Ninja recommends the choc mint just in case you hadn't picked up on that! ;-)

Here's the link.... www.maximuscle.com/Gym Ninjaoffer 

Right, Gym Ninja needs to bugger off as she has much to do in terms of researching some Gyms she may be wanting to train clients out of (now that GN is a fully qualified Personal Trainer!). Then, it's time to play with some of the kit she bought at FitPro. Look out for the review on that this coming week.....(so that's a review of Saturday Fit Pro AND a product review. It's like a soap opera isn't it!)

Again, if you enjoy the Ninja ramblings of this blog, please do subscribe to it with google/blog thingie so GN can see the ickle teeny tiny photos of those of you she is bleating on at. 

See you all tomorrow. Don't be late! 

Gym Ninja x

Grrrrr!

You know when you just have a day where everything is rubbish? Today is that day for Gym Ninja.

Having looked forward to her Saturday Slaughter session ALL week, Gym Ninja bounced (kind of) out of bed and got herself ready for the gym.  It's a fantastic feeling knowing that you're going to be pushed for an entire hour of Spin Hell. Truly! Gym Ninja loves feeling half-dead at the end...

Bounce bounce into the gym went Gym Ninja. A quick 10 minute warm up on the Cross Trainer, and then Gym Ninja necked half a bottle of Target Energy Shot, to back up the old energy levels. Always prepared you see!

Gym Ninja walked into the Spin Studio. Dangly Cross Man was in so Gym Ninja went to set up her usual bike in front of the vent, only to find it was broken.

"The handlebars won't stay up", Explained Dangly, which makes Gym Ninja think he must have tried to nab her bike before she came in, Or else, how would he know...? So Gym Ninja sat the other side of him, spent ages setting up her bike, only to then discover the foot strap was missing. AHHHR!  Time to find another bike.

By now, Gym Ninja was sat in the middle of the room, nowhere near an air con vent. Godammit, Gym Ninja will melt in a pool of sweat without air con!  But it was now 5 minutes until kick off (so to speak) and no sign of the Fab Instructor....hmmm...the class were getting nervous. What if she didn't show up???

As if by magic, in strode a young guy, headed towards the Instructor bike, and plonked on the headset. NO Fab Instructor today then? This was rapidly followed by 6 people dismounting their bikes and walking right out of the class as his back was turned. You see, the Saturday Spin Class of one hour is a hardcore class, and they do not suffer fools....Gym Ninja felt disappointed. PLEASE let this guy be half decent...?

"I've not tried this CD before" He said, before switching on what must have been the world's most inappropriate music for a spin class. Slow thudding beat like a metronome...boom, boom, boom, boom....in time to you chanting 'one potato, two potato, three potato'..so yeh, slow!

"Let's warm up!" he cried...."In time to the beat..."
*cue one potato, two potato, three potato, four potato...*
Gym Ninja's legs wanted to go faster. Everyone's legs wanted to go faster, but Metronome (the instructor) wanted everyone IN TIME to the slow beat.

Imagine this slow relentless beat, unchanging from 90s dance classic to 90s dance classic, plodding on for an WHOLE hour and you can partly imagine the class Gym Ninja found herself in.

'Up for 8, down for 8.....3, 2, 1, go" Counted Metronome, by now starting to sound like The Count off Sesame Street...

Now usually, in an hour of Spin on a weekend, Gym Ninja has two thoughts in her head throughout the class.

1. "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die"
and
2. "Ffff*ckkkkkkkkk!"

Today, however, Gym Ninja managed to plan her entire day and compile a mental 'things to do' list, all whilst not breaking a sweat.

"If you're not sweating you're not working hard enough" Boomed Metronome.

No sh*t Sherlock, as they say. NO ONE was working hard enough. Even with the resistance rammed on, the beat was too slow to raise anyone's heart rate higher than maybe 65% max?

Eventually, the hour long nightmare ended. What a boring class. If Ikea wrote spin classes this would have been one of them. Very 'prescriptive' but no actual personality injected into it, nor adaptation to suit the fitness level of the class. Just lots of patterns of standing and seated climbs and 15, 30 and 60 second pyramids of sprints. Oh and time to plan a 'to do' list...

After Spin ended, and having listened to some of the others moan about the class, Gym Ninja headed downstairs to do a run (next to a man slathered in Deep Heat Muscle Rub), before starting her lower body weights session. All whilst suffering a pang of loss from not getting her usual fabulous spin session. Grrr!

Detouring on route home, Gym Ninja had a nasty 'card refused' moment at the Petrol Station. Looks like the overdraft limit had been reached, yet Gym Ninja is not due to get paid until Wednesday. Bugger! How will Gym Ninja pay for car parking to do her job next week? ARRRH!  Then, the momentary excitement at seeing that her new business cards had arrived, was ruined when she saw they'd printed the cards on BLUE  instead of white, thus making them unusable. AHHHHR again!

So now Gym Ninja is grumpy, but will settle down and hit the books. Coursework awaits for the rest of the evening, so fingers crossed everything else goes to plan eh?

See you all tomorrow...an hour EARLIER if you are in the UK as don't forget to put your clocks forward 1 hour tonight. (HOW useful is Gym Ninja eh?)

Grumpy Ninja x

Atomic Bionic

Ahhh, what a marvelous workout Gym Ninja did today.

Wooohooo! A corker!

Yep. One of those days where you feel like you could continue endlessly until you collapse into a heap. Well..kind of anyway.

GN had it all planned. As the new Spin Instructor drove the class hard, it was now essential to get back into the habit of a warm up run before the class. To pootle in, without first pre-warning the body what was expected of it, was not only foolhardy, but asking for trouble!  Gym Ninja fuelled up with a mix of carbs and protein, plenty fo fluid to aid hydration, and with a cheeky energy shot packed in her bag, (purely an insurance policy!!! Ahem) and headed out to the gym.

Gym Ninja ensured she was poured into her lycra Nike leggings today. There is No place for excess flapping fabric in one of these Spin sessions, not on a Saturday Slaughter Session day!
See, the way to survive classes such as these, is strategically. Plan ahead! ....

1.  Plan the outfit. Streamline yourself. if it can be shoehorned on, then it's the correct fit. if you can easily step in or out of it, DO NOT WEAR IT as it will slow you down. Aerodynamic all the way!!!!

2. Fuel up. None of this 'an empty stomach burns more fat' malarkey. Wanna bet? See how much fat you burn after you've collapsed after 20 minutes as you have no energy to train hard, then go and whoof down as much food as possible as your body is craving it? It's FAR better to have a light well balanced meal about 90 minutes before your session, so that the body has enough energy to train long enough to become a furnace for calories. As you get fitter, the body will reach into its fat stores, don't you worry. Just concentrate on moving at a decent enough intensity. Empty stomach is NOT the way to survive! Your body will only tear down and eat it's own muscles (protein) if it's starving and why would you want that? You're here to work hard today remember?

3.  Tell your body what to do! By this Gym Ninja means, don't keep bleating on and telling yourself you're tired and there's no way you can keep up, as your body will just obey your mind. Be a Body Bully! DEMAND it keeps up. Tell it there is no quitting, not on your shift! It can hardly get up and leave without your say so can it?

4.  Stay hydrated. Makes sense eh? Think about how much better you function when properly hydrated. Don't become all shrivelled up and prune-like. You'll just make everything feel ten times harder.

Okey dokey. So Gym Ninja arrived at the gym, and decided on a quick run to warm up the body. On the treadmill, in the little shelf for your phone/keys/ipod, she discovered this....

Mmmmmmm. A remnant of Milky Way? The treat you CAN eat between meals without ruining your appetite apparently.  YUK!

Firstly, who eats chocolate bars whilst on a treadmill? What's next? Toblerone sticking out of a Cross Trainer handle? Yorkie on a Bike?  Secondly,....EW! What were you thinking? Was it all just too much to finish it? Or are you stashing it away for next time?

Thank GOD, the run was finished and GN could down the energy shot (mwahahaha-GN is playing it safe!) and head into the SPin STudio for an hour of Extreme Spin.

Twas a busy old room. Dangly Cross Man was sat on GN's preferred bike. The one directly in line with the aircon vent. AHHR! GN will now overheat. Bugger! However he's always nice to chat to. Shows an interest in GN's PT course. The room also had a few Newbies in it who'd not done Spin before.

Uh oh!

What a session to have as your first! God bless them...

So, with the lights down, the class began. High paced and frantic. Sprints, standing sprints, underhand flat back moves so the hamstrings are screaming at you,  hill climbs, hill runs, upper body work...and then off the bikes! Kicked out for a lap of the gym.  This means the class is WORSE when you get back on the bike...but not for some. The class had far less people in it after the lap of the gym than before. 3 of the Newbies had scarpered! 

After an hour, and in a puddle of sweat, Gym Ninja was released from the class..

Woohoo endorphins my friends, good to see you again! Gym Ninja tottered to the changing rooms to dry off and grab her skipping rope, passing an older woman wearing a tennis skirt as her leg was draped over a rotary standing leg machine in a rather unladylike manner.  Then, taking advantage of the endorphins, GN pushed herself with another quick 10 minute run, made easier by the eye candy man with the herrruge biceps on the nearby bike. 

Mmmm, biceps.

Then, refuelling on a Promax Crisp Bar (nom nom), Gym Ninja began her upper body weights work. This is how it went....

Gym Ninja sets up a bench to an incline and grabs a barbell.

Gym Ninja sits down on the bench and positions herself ready for incline Chest press work with the barbell. 

Bendy lady with a body like a pipecleaner  walks past 53 empty floor mats and selects the one millimeters away from Gym Ninja's bench.

Pipecleaner lady lies on mat.

AHHHR! STOP THAT! Gym Ninja is CLUMSY! Gym Ninja may drop this on your head. Take your bendy ways and go do that weird stretch you're doing over there!

After much grunting and heavy handidly putting the barbell down close to Pipecleaners toes, she got the hint that maybe this was not the safest of areas to do floor work (no sh*t Sherlock) and relocated to a weight-free area. 

Gym Ninja carried on with her workout. 

Then, just to see if she could, GN mustered up her last bits of energy and started to intersperse her lifts with some skipping. 

Skip skip skip skip skip skip trip.

Ok...concentrate....

skip skip skip skip skip skip skip skip skip.....Gym Ninja got 'into' the zone. Fantastic.  Until....oh hello!

Pipecleaner all of a sudden needed to work out RIGHT by the skipping rope peripheral edge...WTF? There is an EMPTY area all around. For MILES! Yet, YOU decide YOU need to do that exercise that quite frankly can be done ANYWHERE, right next to Gym Ninja's skipping rope? Looks like those Weirdo Magnets Gym Ninja appears to have fitted somewhere in her body are kicking in eh?

In the end, Gym Ninja had pushed herself SO hard today that it was a case of 'wind up the session or fall over'. 

Hmm, wind up, or fall over? Wind up, or fall over?

Gym Ninja stumbled.

OK...wind it up!

So, time for the shower but not before her first quaff in a long time of Maximuscle Protein shake in the flavour of Choc Mint. BLISS.

Gym Ninja poured water into the shaker bottle. The powder was added, the grid like thingie was attached and the lid screwed on.

Shake shake...EWWW!

Tiredness meant GN hadn't been paying attention! The lid wasn't on properly. SHAKER SPRAY all over the floor! Noooooooooooooo! Gym Ninja's precious Choc mint!  LEAKING all over the place! *sob*

So...apart from the spillage, GN was rather pleased with her efforts today at the gym. Feeling smug and all squeaky clean after the shower, she left the gym. As she walked out of the door, she passed a guy walking in...

"You're here early!" He said.

Eh?

"Er, no I'm not" Answered Gym Ninja. 

Who IS this man?

"Yeh you are! You're normally here much later!" He insisted.

"No...." replied Gym Ninja, wondering why she had to explain herself to this man she'd never seen before in her life..."No, I always go to the 10am Spin session on a Saturday nowadays"

"Oh right?" Said the man, and walked off....

Bizarre!

Right, GN is now starving so is ending todays blog sharpish. Need some grilled turkey breast and steamed veg. Yum. Genuinely, yum by the way. 

Off you pop. Have a good day/night/evening/weekend/workout (Delete as applicable)

Gym Ninja x

Swim Spin! Blog post (Part 2)

The reason this is labelled Part Two (as technically it isn't part 2 of anything), is so you notice the 'Part 1' which was posted yesterday a few hours after my original post. Gym Ninja doesn't want anyone to miss it as it's about her participation in Race For Life (so go check it out if you missed it).

Ok, so GN should really be writing up her coursework but she has made a start on some so will take a break now to type this blog up.  

This morning Gym Ninja headed out to the gym for her usual Saturday Slaughter Session. MUCH needed due to the stress if you recall? However, despite enjoying the Spin Classes over the past few weeks as the guy was really ernest and likable, Gym Ninja knew she wouldn't get too hard a workout so instead decided to fatigue herself somewhat by doing her weights session first. Excellent fun! Upper body today. 

So off she went, warmed up with some Dynamic movement-specific stretches and then made a start. The shoulder wasn't quite as good today as it has been, so GN lightened the weights when it came to the Lying Lateral Raises so as not to aggravate the injury. Hmm, t'was a tad hot at the gym as the air con didn't seem to be working, so as she walked over to the water fountain, Gym Ninja nearly crashed into a woman who appeared to be attempting the World record Attempt at super-slow walking. At one point she was moving SO slowly across the gym floor that Gym Ninja thought she was stood still. These are the people who you get stuck behind when rushing somewhere on your lunch break!

Gym Ninja finished her upper body session just in time to go and grab her Diet Emerge Energy Drink (33p from Asda & tastes MUCH better than Diet Red Bull!)  and gel bike seat cover, then headed to the Spin Studio...

OMG..to Gym Ninja's delight (then HORROR as she realised she'd just fatigued herself with her workout session) it wasn't Spin Guy! It was the girl from a few weeks back who cycles you into the ground and then stomps on your head. EXCELLENT! This is fantastic as Gym Ninja needs a workout that pushes her incredibly hard and manages to push her past what she thought she could do. This woman is excellent at that!  Super Spin (as we shall now call her) came over to chat.

"Where's the other Guy?" Asked Gym Ninja

"Ahh, he was sacked as he was a bit 'intense'" said Super Spin, nodding. 

"Oh. he was Ok I thought although he did worry that I never seemed to be able to work up a sweat in his class.." Said Gym Ninja..

So..they began the class...Super Spin has a rule that if she talks she expects an answer and if no one replies then the workload doubles.  Sometimes answering didn't seem to be enough to stop the workload doubling and you know you've had a good warm up when you half die!!!!! 

Mid way through the session and Gym Ninja was sweating like a pig! Seriously sweating as in 'water rolling off the hair' that now hung in drenched rats tails across GN's head! Nice! Super Spin got off her bike to stomp around and motivate..she came over to Gym Ninja who must have soaked her as she turned her head to look..

"Not sweating are we?" cackled Super Spin, referencing the chat about the Spin Guy as she cranked up Gym Ninja's bike resistance another level.

AHHHHR! But who can hate someone who is that evil? Love it love it love it! (Well, assuming Gym Ninja had any spare energy at that point to love anything...) 

The class FLEW by! If this gym manages to lose this Spin teacher the they are crazy! She'll get that class heaving! Yeh she may kill a few in the process, but hell, it's worth the risk for the calorie burn!

Gym Ninja dragged herself out of the class...if it wasn't for the fact she was in gym gear you'd be mistaken for thinking she'd stepped out of the pool.  On the way out she bumped into an old regular 'Dangly Cross Man'.  You remember him don't you?

They started chatting about how good the spin session had been and Dangly asked Gym Ninja how the PT was going and had she started her business yet? How cute of him to remember? Gym Ninja explained that she wasn't finished until April and how tough it was trying to study and juggle full time work..and before she knew it she'd managed to press-gang the poor guy into being a client!

"Mates Rates Mind!" said Dangly a tad nervously as he edged away nervously...

Gym Ninja laughed, turned away and then .......  EEEEEEEK!

OMG! Whaaaaat?

Gym Ninja could NOT believe her eyes! What WAS that guy doing?  

All GN could see was a muscled guy standing still, doing a rapid shaking movement about hip level...you know the kind of movement Gym Ninja means? The kind of movement some guy should NOT be doing anywhere other than in the privacy of his own house in front of his computer no doubt!!!!!

PHEW!

A machine had been blocking Gym Ninja's view...the guy had a SHAKER bottle and was mixing up his protein shake. 

Seriously though guys-think about how you do that! 

Okey dokey. Gym Ninja needs to finish writing the programme for Mesocycle 1 and will research some ab work for her Mesocycle 2 (damned coursework) and then the rest of the night (!) is her own...

Toodle Pip

Gym Ninja xx