Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Lego Ninja

Gym Ninja is blogging today with slightly darker hair.
Can you tell?
You see, Saturday night ended up to be something of a boring affair, so Gym Ninja, fed up with the slices of red and blonde through the mid layers of her hair (remember Parrot Hair from a few months back?), decided to whack on a temporary colour (28 washes-how terribly precise of them). The temporary colour was 'Medium Brown'. Gym Ninja's actual hair colour is dark brown, so the medium brown should allow darkness but with shades of lightness where the streaks had been. On went the colour, and 20 minutes later Gym Ninja rinsed it off. After rinsing, she also noticed that she had a fetching streak of brown across her shoulders and also her abs...seriously, her abs? How did Gym Ninja manage to drip dye on her torso????? Never mind, time to dry her hair before bed....

Did you all know, that the Hair Dye Industry class 'Medium Brown' as 'pretty goddam close to black with a matt finish'?  
Neither did Gym Ninja.
Seriously, since when did 'Medium Brown' come out THAT dark? Looking back at Gym Ninja in the mirror was something akin to a Lego character.
Crap. Maybe it'll look better in daylight? It usually does?

Anyway, after the almighty workout that was the 'Saturday Slaughter Session', Gym Ninja returned to the gym Sunday morning for another round of 'sweat until you die'.  Luckily Gym Ninja has never won this game, hence the continuation of the blogs...

Incidentally, no, the Lego Hair did NOT look better in natural daylight. Maybe it'd look better after the first proper wash eh? You know, to soap out the remnants of the last dregs of dye?

Where were we? Ah yes, Lego Ninja was back at the gym. However, there was one problem. Glycogen depletion on a big scale. That'd be the energy stored in Gym Ninja's liver & muscles to fuel the next workout and it was running somewhat low. Uh oh! Maybe Gym Ninja should have refuelled with a few more carbs than usual? Maybe Gym Ninja should have planned a more low intensity workout? Or maybe Gym Ninja should have gotten herself to bed a lot earlier instead of faffing until 1.30am the night before, dying her hair an unflattering shade of boot polish black (oh pardon me, 'Medium Brown') ????

Either way, it was all Gym Ninja could do to drag herself to the gym. Once in the changing rooms, Gym Ninja found a locker, stuffed her bag in, forgot to take out of her bag the gel seat cover for the spin bike (for all the good it does!), dragged the bag back out of the locker, spilled the contents of the bag onto the floor, stuffed the contents back into the bag, retrieved the gel seat cover, returned the bag back into the locker, realised the padlock was still in the bag, dragged it back out of the locker for the second time to retrieve it, before finally closing it.

As Gym Ninja stood at the aptly named Vanity Area, fiddling with the knot of wire that was supposedly her headphones, she felt something.....something like an intense feeling of being watched.  Snapping her eyes upwards to the mirror, Gym Ninja saw a woman stood behind her, staring at Gym Ninja via the reflection of the mirror.  Now that Gym Ninja had noticed, she waited for the woman to look away.
The woman did NOT look away.
The woman continued to stare.
Does the woman think she is a Vampire and that she cannot be seen in the mirror?
Is the woman just hard faced?
Or is there a huge streak of hair dye down the neck and over the ears of Gym Ninja?
Gym Ninja decided that out of the three, quite possibly option 1 (vampire) was most likely, closely followed by brown ears like a teddy.

Gym Ninja aka Lego Ninja aka Teddy Eared Ninja headed to the Spin Studio. Would the regulars notice that GN had been replaced by a plastic Lego Character?
if they did, they were too polite to mention it. In fact the lego hair appeared to draw people to Gym Ninja.

"Got yourself a job yet?' Barked Dangly.

Gym Ninja stared back at him with her best 'it is 24 hours since I last saw you and also the weekend so don't even ASK me that and not expect to get a rude answer' face.

Then, a guy who Gym Ninja now recalls as the same guy who approached her months ago to try and 'recruit' her for Yoga began to talk to her. Let us name him 'Cult Man'.

"They are starting up Kangoo again today you know. Have you ever tried it?" Asked Cult Man.

Gym Ninja shook her Lego head in response.

"Ahh, well you really should you know. All you need it a big thick pair of socks, and you reserve the Kangoo boots at reception. It's really low impact. Reduces impact by up to 80%. Remarkable!"

At this, Cult Man rolled his eyes knowingly.

See, now here's the thing. The LAST exercise craze Gym Ninja is likely to partake in is Kangoo. Are you all aware of it? Think bouncing around, Benny Hill style, on roller blades without the blades (and in their place bit springs). Here is a link... www.kangoojumps.ch
Once you have stopped laughing, click on Kangoo Jumps Uses and enjoy the comedy value of the video..
Gym Ninja's favourite parts of the video are the humiliation on the face of the guy in black as he boings up and down inbetween the two girls in the sun, the fact they are trying to tell people that ARMY boot camp people use Kangoo boots (yeh right) and the ABSOLUTE BEST bit that you will unfortunately have to watch the video until the end to see, is what they call 'Kangoo Power'. Seriously, HOW mental does that guy look?????

So...no. No, Gym Ninja will never ever try Kangoo. Never! Gym Ninja does not 'boing in a comedy fashion'....

Spin was typically torturous. Luckily the Instructor decided that it would be Spin Climb which allowed for more standing hills, which did help reduce the 'Spin Saddle injury' Gym Ninja had done to herself the day before. However it was tough. NOOOOOOOO glycogen to fall back on, and only the scent of sweaty, newly dyed hair to spur her on alongside the view of a chubby man's bottom wiggling in front of her. Yuk!

Once the class finished an hour later, Gym Ninja dried off in the changing rooms, popped some BCAAs and continued with her upper body session. Taking up a seat on the cable row, Gym Ninja selected her weight and then...

*boing boing boing boing boing boing boing*

Circling the weights area on the top floor of the gym (it is spread over two floors) is an indoor running track. Now running along the track were the participants of the Kangoo Class....
Get AWAY with the freaky boinging. Make it GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gym Ninja had to put up with at least 3 laps of boinging as she worked her back. Bloody infuriating it was, especially as there were at least 3 girls (and 2 men) who should have worn a sports bra before 'boinging' like that! Time to get focussed and work that upper body hard. That way, no amount of boinging would distract Gym Ninja.

True to her word, Gym Ninja slaughtered her upper body. Upping the volume by throwing in an additional exercise for each muscle group worked to surprise the body and encourage growth. By the end of the workout, Gym Ninja had completely blasted any strength and co-ordination remaining which resulted in an infuriating case of 'Drop the Sweat Towel'.  It goes a little something like this...

Finish final set of Skull Crushers.
Sit up, then reach for the Sweat Towel on the floor to wipe onself down.
Hold the Sweat Towel for all of 2 seconds before dropping it.
Grasp Sweat Towel again.
Get Sweat Towel a little closer to face before dropping it back on the floor.
Look around to check if anyone nearby is sniggering at Gym Ninja?
Attempt a third grasp of the Sweat Towel, wipe away sweat, begin to stand up and...drop Sweat Towel.
It was like a game of Grabber; the game whereby you use a joystick to try and steer a giant claw into picking up the empty iPod box nestled amongst a selection of acid green and yellow cuddly toys, having paid £2 for the privilege.

Stretching out of the muscles ensued, before Gym Ninja headed back to the changing rooms for her post workout Maximuscle shake and a nice hot  shower...let us all hope that Drop The Sweat Towel does not manifest into a more advanced adult game of  Drop The Bath Towel or it'll be yet another case of  .Naked Ninja blinds the 5000...........'

Enough already. You should all be doing something else instead of reading this blog as well you know.  See you back in the gym.....

Gym Ninja xx