Monday, 23 November 2009

Welcome Gym Ninjas!


Gym Ninja has been expecting you. 

You are here because you aspire to a healthy lifestyle. You are here because you already lead that lifestyle, or wish to lead that lifestyle. You are ready to learn. You are ready to train. You are ready to live, vicariously, through the eyes of Gym Ninja, learning from the mistakes that others make, and using her hints and tips to get the body you crave. The body you deserve, The body you were born to have.  Oh, and to have a few giggles & guffaws along the way.  What IS the point if you cannot enjoy yourself?

Okaaaaaaay...let us begin.

Gym Ninja travels a fair bit, so doesn't always train in one location. She darts around, sneaking in a workout here, a sweaty session there, and hones her fitness techniques the rest of the time in her habitual lair. She wears black, as Ninjas recognise that black is terribly slimming and SO this season darrrhling. She's also getting fed up already of referring to herself in the third person, but may just carry it on for the sake of her first blog post, so bear with her?  Just for a little while....

 So what has Gym Ninja been up to this week.........?

Gym Ninja had to travel up to Blackpool for a 3 day conference with work, selling Ninja stars and samurai to any persons (interested or not-mostly 'not'). T'was a thankless task, having been cruelly abandoned by her colleagues to set up the exhibition stand alone. This had necessitated an early start of 5.30am to ensure she had arrived by the time the delivery drivers dumped their equipment. Well, not actually because it took that long to travel. More the fact that Gym Ninja, contrary to popular belief, does not know the meaning of travelling light and had in fact packed 57% of her wardrobe (mostly black) into a herrruge suitcase aka a 'justincase'. 

Supplies had duly been packed too. Hotels never cater for the healthy Ninja and this one was no exception. To counteract the sabotage of cakes, pies and chips, Gym Ninja squirrelled away a veritable feast of Maximuscle products..think Promax Crisp, Powered protein in the form of chocolate Promax, ready to drink Maxi-Milk, a smattering of Thermobol and some 'in case of emergency' Viper Extreme Capsules. Oh, and some apples too.  Howz da ya like 'thems apples' eh?

By Day 2 of the 3 Day exhibition/conference, Gym Ninja was flagging. No time between work commitments to hit the hotel gym meant that refuelling on healthy food was vital. Between main meals, GN used up her quota of Maximuscle bits & bobs to great effect, keeping energy levels high and nutrition levels balanced, however, this meant she had to then peruse the hotel bar menu for her main meals. Chips, wedges (fat chips), sandwiches, baguettes (fat sandwiches), billion calorie muffins.. plus variations on this theme. Hmmm....not ideal but wait! What did she then spy? Chicken Caesar Salad. Not a bad option if you ask for the dressing on the side (and what's not to like about a semi-dressed waiter?). So with the sald duly ordered, GN settled back with a nice brew and awaited her lunch. With stealth-like lunch-awaiting abilities of course.

Tadaaaa! The Chicken Caesar Salad arrived, with the dressing on the side as requested, much to the apparent annoyance of the waiter. But wait (no pun intended)! What was this? Was the salad also on the side? Surely this slither of chicken resting on 4 lettuce leaves was missing the salad? Damned hotels! I guess lettuce is far more expensive than chips, bread and cakes?

Gym Ninja also tried room service, and plumped for what was labelled as a 'Health Option' on the hotel menu. Indeed it was! Salmon with salad, and a side order of green beans and shallots. Mmm.  Herrrruge amount of food too, and although tasty and healthy, it did settle in GN's stomach in a huge ball, lying there undigested in a snake-like fashion, for the remainder of the night.   

Another night involved Gym Ninja clothed in black, and on her best behaviour as she was forced to accompany her two MDs to a dinner on an undercover Ninja mission. Her newest MD, a Dutch guy who recently bought the company, appeared to have an enormous preoccupation with GN's pendant. Or was it something else....? Hmmm. But what is this? Gym Ninja's one nemesis. Wine!!!!! Gym Ninja rarely drinks. As in once every 3 months or so? But when GN does drink, she can happily mix and match all of the colours and all of the Spirits and Liqueurs to no great affect on her. She can still move with stealth and cunning (perhaps a tad more clumsy cunning, but cunning nonetheless!). But wine? No no no no! 

Allow Gym Ninja to explain what happens to her when wine is consumed. 
2 sips and Gym Ninja screws up her Poker Face in disgust. Nasty drink.
5 sips and Gym Ninja is starting to rationalise that this glass could be one of her 5-A-Day fruit and vegetable servings no?
Half a glass and Gym Ninja's cover is well and truly blown, her razor sharp eyes turn a fetching shade of red, her words cascade out of her mouth and her brain engages approximately 3 days after the event. Disaster!!!!!!

We get mid way through the meal. So far Gym Ninja has avoided the fatty parts and feasted on the healthier servings of chicken, vegetables and so on. Gym Ninja is feeling somewhat dizzy though. Uh oh! The Dutch MD with his blond pale faffiness picks up the menu and peruses it further. Gym Ninja listens as he announces the latter parts of the meal. 

"Oh, a selection of ze local Cheeses", Reads Dutch MD.
"Should be inetresting as we 'av ze cheeses over in Holland".

Gym Ninja listens, intently. Gym Ninja's mouth has already come up with a response and she is saying it with a big booming voice . It is unfortunate though, that Gym Ninja's brain was not 'in on' the conversation.....

"Ah cheese!", says Gym Ninja. 
"I avoid cheese to be honest. Too high in saturated fats." She nods, waggling her finger at the Dutch MD.
" you have any clogs with you then.......?"

Cue silence. 
Looks of daggers sent over the table to Gym Ninja from the English MD. So, in order to repair the damage that Gym Ninja has done, she decides to distract the two MD's with something else. Something that will remind them why they employed her to sell Ninja Stars and Samurai and that she is a professional business Ninja through and through...

"So...I'm going to be a Ring Girl at a Boxing Match this weekend!"

Yep. Remarkably, that seemed to do the trick. Who'd have thought eh? The previous clog statement was forgotten in a whirlwind of questions about Ring Girl outfits and a possibility of getting a bikini branded with the company logo (A thought that was cancelled quickly due to the technicalities of printing such a long company name on such a miniscule amount of fabric!). Gym Ninja was so relieved, that, fuelled by the evil wine she had been forced to quaff, thought she may as well go to hell in a hand cart and promptly ate everyone's servings of the After Dinner Chocolates! She doesn't even LIKE chocolate that much! Uh oh!!!!!!

Such are the perils of hotel catering, work socialising and not being able to cook for oneself when away! Gym Ninja needs to keep her wits about her. check back for the Gym Ninja guide to training for a job as a Ring Girl, a Blog Post that will also incorporate the low down on what happened, and whether or not she managed to skid across the ring on a pile of spittle and leaked blood splats.... 

What's NOT to love about that eh?

'Til next time, my Trainee Ninjas! 

Gym Ninja x