Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Supermarket Chaos Part 2:

Back with Gym Ninja to follow up the next  (recycled) stage of the Christmas supermarket shopping nightmare eh? Good. Pleased to see you where were we? Yep-moving on to a new part of the supermarket .........
.....You soon find yourself heading down the tinned meat aisle. It's a rarity for you to be in this section, what with you being into healthy eating and all, so you start to feel a bit 'out of your depth.’ It all seems strange and new down this aisle. The people here are distinctly larger and have trolleys piled high with processed foods, 3 or 4 bottles of frying oil, bottles and bottles of full strength soft drinks plus 5 tins of Quality Street.  Yet you too are here. Spam Aisle! Uh oh. You stare at the strange artifacts. Tinned Spam. Tinned processed meats contain Sodium small doses it is used to prevent growth of bacteria, yet in high doses, it can be toxic for humans. In fact, if the sodium nitrate in meats is subjected to high temperatures this forms carcinogenic nitrosamines...oh, and these are NOT good.  Quick. Get OUT of Spam Aisle! For God's sake, save yourself! GET OUT!!!!!!!!
You rapidly turn a corner, crashing into another trolley, then head to the condiments section. You're safer here, the Spam cannot get to you .... You browse for quality oils for cooking, spray oil for keeping calories down, plus herbs and spices that you need for all of your fancy cooking over Christmas.   Before you know it, you're heading to the tinfoil section. BIG tinfoil roll. HUGE. That's what you need. You have to be able to wrap the outside of your house in foil should you need to. You pick up a roll of foil that is wider than your door frames at home. Yep. That'll do it. You can always open both of the French Windows at home to get the roll into the house.  Chuck in some freezer bags plus greaseproof paper and you're done here.
But now what happens? You've been relatively conservative so far, sticking mostly to the healthy list (with a few treats) that you are recalling through sheer memory power thanks to 
having left it in the car. Yet you get the sneaking feeling that this is not enough. You are surrounded by heaving trolleys of food. Piled high to a mountainous peak. You can see boxes of Roses Chocolates peeping out at jaunty angles. Miniature Heros taunt you. Hmm, maybe you need some of those as 'emergency gifts’; just in case someone drops in with a present that's unexpected? Damn those Miniature Heros. Full sized heros you can cope with, but when miniaturized you then run the risk of being able to 'justify' eating one or five. STOP IT! Clear your head of the thought right this instant. But can't...they are everywhere you look, like an obligatory part of the supermarket trolley. Plus you like feeling a bit like a giant when eating the teeny chocolates..... 

'Oooh, look at the teeny Mars Bar in my hand. I am a giant and I can eat it with one bite!' 

SO WHAT? Gym Ninja, back in her Fat Kid Days, used to be able to eat a proper sized Mars Bar in one bite! This is how she became Fat Ninja! Yet you do not listen to Gym Ninja's warning. You head directly for the Chocolate and Confectionary Aisle like a heat seeking missile. You are chanting in your head 'It's just because it's Christmas, it's just because it's Christmas' in an attempt to justify why you suddenly need chocolates in your trolley.
You stop....  Suddenly.
You are here. 
In Paradise.
You stand in front of shelves of varying Selection Boxes, sweets, tins of chocolates, boxes of chocolates and other variations on the theme.  You eyeball the Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. Mmmm, you never eat Terry's Chocolate Orange unless it is Christmas, therefore you justify that it is actually a 'tradition' rather than being naughty. In go 3 of them. But wait. You were here purely for emergency gift purposes remember? You scoop up 2 boxes of Miniature Heros. You look at the Roses. Hmm, best get two of those as well, as not everyone likes Miniature Heros. AHHHR, Celebrations! You need those too. 


Your trolley has oodles of boxes of chocolates in it now.  AHHR! Quality Street! Now THAT is a tradition. Best get the humungous tin as you can reuse that (you never do, but you can, so that's why you buy the bigger tin ok?). Oh wait?  What happens if someone visits who does not eat chocolates? Well you'd be a bad host if you didn't lob in a tub or three of Haribo Tangfastics now wouldn't you?  You turn round quickly, only to spot a family with a convoy of trolleys one after the other piled high. One trolley is just not enough for this time of year. You spot the Pringles in their trolleys! PRINGLES!!!!!!!! Lordy you nearly forgot.  I'm sure they were on the list no? Just as one of the treats? Ahem.
Like a heat-seeking missile you are heading to the Crisps Section. The 'healthy eating with a few treats' list is a distant memory.  CRISPS! You'd be better off eating chips you know. But you know that don't you, yet here you are, stopping to knock a few tubes of Pringles into your trolley, you grab some Twiglets (as Christmassy as Santa himself surely, ahem). You also need one or two of those pre-packed party snacks of various shaped Twiglet-themed crispy thingies. LOADED with salt and saturated fats but you don't care anymore. Hell, they don't even taste nice, but you have them on the table when people come round for drinks. It's 'expected.’ You are in a Supermarket Frenzy! Your eyes are glazed as you 
bump trolleys with other shoppers reaching for Cheesy Wotsits. COCKTAIL SAUSAGES AND MINI SAUSAGE ROLLS! OMG you so should have gone to Iceland for those!!!!!!!!!! Quick! The freezer cabinets!!!!!!!!!!!!!
..........OK...and breathe. That is more than enough for one day. You can see how this trip is hurtling into an 'off the rails' moment. More tomorrow....