Friday, 19 November 2010

Physio Ninja

It is true!
Even Gym Ninja requires some help every now and then.  Physio!!!!!!

If you cast your mind back you may recall that, thanks to a previous sales role that involved driving the most hideous Blandmobile Company Car for hours at a time across the UK, Gym Ninja ended up with a compressed nerve or two that lead to aching muscles and numb tingly arms/hands. That in itself also landed Gym Ninja in the MD's office and also straight out of the door having been sacked because of it. (Fondant Fancy was the code word remember?)  Nice. Cheers. Fantastic. 

That was in May. Last week Gym Ninja FINALLY had her first Physio appointment. Well, there's a waiting list apparently.  Gym Ninja's Physio was a quiet woman. VERY quiet. A Physiotherapy equivalent of a Vole. Let us call her Vole.  She wore cartoon socks too. Hmmmmmmmm.............

Vole asked Gym Ninja many many questions about the tingly arms, numbness and how it affected her grip (lucky for anyone who may annoy Gym Ninja, her grip is slightly compromised!).  Vole wasn't exactly exuding confidence. She merely scribbled down some notes, paused and then asked another random question. Listen up Vole, if you don't know what the problem is, just say so? 

After about 15 mins of questions, Vole decided to examine Gym Ninja. Oh. OK. So Gym Ninja has never had Physio before and hadn't realised she'd probably need to wear a layer over her underwear and beneath her jumper. Without this layer, it meant that Vole got an eyeful of Gym Ninja's Assets in what can only be described as lingerie that isn't everyone's daytime choice...

After much prodding and faffing Vole decided Gym Ninja may have a compressed nerve. OK. So even Gym Ninja had worked this out! Thus followed a few demos of  neck stretches and a delightful upper trap/shoulder and neck massage.


Gym Ninja LOVES Physio. The massage was AMAZING! Gym Ninja has a neck that is hot-wired for pleasure so when someone strokes it then it feels fantastic. Gym Ninja bounced out of Physio promising to return the next week having done her neck stretches 4 x daily.

One week on. 
Gym Ninja had maybe managed to remember to stretch her neck twice a day? Ah well. It's not like she wants to become one of those tribal women with the elongated necks with rings is it?Also, thanks to some additional driving and heavy lifting at the gym (the lifting was at the gym, NOT the driving BTW) , the tingling was worse, and painful too. 

Vole greeted Gym Ninja on her 2nd appointment.  Asked how things had been and showed a level of concern that maybe mustered a 5 on a scale of 1-10 when Gym Ninja explained the worsening of the problem? Vole then asked Gym Ninja to lie on the bed and dragged her arm about for a few minutes. 
Gym Ninja's arm, not her own. That'd be weird. 

After the dragging of the arm, Vole now decided Gym Ninja had incredibly tight (and Gym Ninja is now QUOTING Vole directly) "Thingie muscles".


THINGIE muscles? 

"Oh you mean the rhomboids/traps and upper lats?" Asked Gym Ninja. 

Vole nodded. 
"Yep, They are probably compressing a nerve & must have tightened up when you were driving for hours at a time. We need to mobilise it". 

EXCELLENT! More massage! 

Oh wait. But no. No. Vole wanted to teach Gym Ninja some moves to do. The first rehab move was as follows.

To sit on a chair and arch the back over the chair.

"Amount of times?" Enquired Gym Ninja

"A few times" Said Vole, unhelpfully.

A 'few'? Is that higher or lower than 56? OK so Gym Ninja needs to sit on a chair and arch her back a few times. Riiiiiiight. 


Next exercise.

Grab a resistance band and hook it around a door handle.

"Do you have a resistance band?" Enquired Vole?
Vole knows Gym Ninja is a PT.

"Yes I have about 15" Replied Gym Ninja.

The next rehab move was as follows:
Loop resistance band around door handle and stand in front of door gripping each end of band.
Twist from left to right whilst pulling with arms, keeping hips still.
Do this a 'few' times.
Theres that vague word again. 

"How OFTEN should I be doing this a day?" Asked Gym Ninja.

"A few times" Replied Vole.

Gym Ninja raised an eyebrow.

"Er, maybe every few hours?" Said Vole. 


Nobody likes a Vague Vole!

"It'll loosen up the thingie muscles" Said Vole.

Gym Ninja looked at Vole. Great.

Next it was time to lie face down on the massage bed. YESSSSSSSS!

But wait.
Vole merely wanted to prod Gym Ninja's thingie muscles as if trying to pop bubble wrap. 
This was rubbish!

"Do you think it would help if I did some Self-Myofascial Release work on it?" Asked Gym Ninja helpfully.

Vole looked confused.

"Foam Rolling? To loosen the tightness?" Gym Ninja tried to explain further.

"Er....yeh I suppose you could?" Replied Vole, looking blankly at Gym Ninja. 


 After 3 minutes of Bubble Wrap work, Gym Ninja was sent away.

NO massage?

Remarkably, this Vague Vole work has now inflamed the nerve endings which resulted in aching limbs for Gym Ninja last night. Damned Vole! 

So do return next week for your thrilling installment of Vole Watch.


Gym Ninja x

Gym Ninja forgot. The Offer of The Day from Maximuscle.... clicky clicky linky for a bargain!!!!!

Gym Ninja hears there is a saving of over £60 on Today's offer.....