Saturday, 4 September 2010

Clumsy Ninja, Blind Snoopy and other stories.

Hello sweet little Ninjarettes and welcome back again. gym Ninja is surprised to see you after the previous' Open Ninja' post, as even she was bored by typing it! Bless you all.

Yep, Gym Ninja is known for her clumsy ways. Even Gym Ninja's cats are aware of this clumsiness. This is possibly due to the fact they are often on the receiving end of it. Imagine if you will the size of a tiny cat paw on the floor. It barely overhangs their little legs in terms of how far it protrudes no? Yet how is it that Gym Ninja manages to step on the paw so often (by accident of course)?

Off Gym Ninja went to the gym. Now recently Gym Ninja's gym bag had broken a zip or two. They'd just kind of 'burst' of their own accord, which meant that occasionally mid traipse across the car park or changing rooms, Gym Ninja's BCAA supplements would make a leap for freedom diving to the floor and making GN appear to be some sort of druggie.  Then of course there was the regular 'Crap! I spilled my protein powder all over the vanity area' clumsiness that further backed up the regular opinion that Gym Ninja was indeed some sort of junkie and was perhaps wanting to do a few lines post workout....?

Today, the Clumsies were bad though.Once Gym Ninja was warmed up, she'd headed to the treadmill to begin an interval session. Within 3 minutes she felt a ping.
Oh no.
Nothing worse than feeling something ping when running.  Nooooooooooo!

But fear not Ninjarettes, it wasn't a tendon or muscle. Oh no. It was the strap of Gym Ninja's Sports Bra. Having finally given up on the heavy duty task assigned to it, the strap had decided enough was enough and it just unpinged itself and started flailing around. What to do???? Gym Ninja could not possibly continue to run whilst incorrectly restrained. Gym Ninja does NOT wish to suffer from 'Blind Snoopy Syndrome'... (Gym Ninja will wait until all you innocents go and ask someone more worldy as to what a Blind Snoopy is, assuming you cannot guess?). There was no other thing for it. Gym Ninja would have to abort the run, try & fix up the suicidal sports bra and continue a lower-impact workout. Pfft!

Once the Sports Bra was temporarily repaired, Gym Ninja exited the changing rooms via the spiral staircase. Now protocol is that when about to use the spiral staircase from either below or above, one should scan the area. If another person is already ON the staircase, then the polite and sensible thing to do is to wait until they have ascended/descended & then begin your own trip. Gym Ninja did all the rudimentary checks. Scanning upwards, the stairway was clear. Gym Ninja began her ascent of the spiral staircase into the gym..

Half way up the staircase, it began to shake. No, it was not another sports bra snapping, but instead the lead-shod feet of a woman who had apparently not received the unspoken rule of spiral staircase etiquette and had begun her heavy-footed descent towards Gym Ninja.


This was a SPIRAL STAIRCASE for God's sake. Was Elephant Feet suicidal in her mission?

Apparently not.

Elephant Feet was instead a big staircase bully and immediately took the wide side, forcing Gym Ninja to take the risky narrow tippy-toe side that for some reason has NO handrail. Why no handrail on the most dangerous side of the spiral staircase? Was this a form of Survival of The Fittest? Only the thickos take the narrow side and therefore plunge to their death, thus weeding out the thickos and leaving a more sensible gene pool?   Well Gym Ninja was far from a thicko yet had two options. Take the tippy-toe side or be trampled under the rather well-upholstered woman that was Elephant Feet.   It was a close call. Gym Ninja felt her right foot slip into the chasm as Elephant Feet thundered past, yet quickly regained her balance and made it safely, albeit shaken, to the top.

As if in some way to make up for this trauma, The Gym Gods were now smiling down upon Gym Ninja and to her left she was offered the vision of a super-fit man performing burpees.  A rare sight indeed in Gym Ninja's gym. A fit man, let alone someone doing an exercise that involved a bit of effort. Now Gym Gods, if you would just sort it that Burpee Boy's clothes fall off then Gym Ninja will be eternally grateful.....

But no.

The Gym Gods are fickle in their nature. They decided that having widened Gym Ninja's pupils with the delightful sight of Burpee Boy, they  would then burn off the retinas by offering up a view of today's Hydropool. Gym Ninja is in the habit of looking down through the window to view the pool in order to help her decide whether to partake in a bit of communal bubbling? So it was without much thought that Gym Ninja cast her gaze towards the pool area.

Sweet Mary mother of Jesus! In the Hydropool was one of the world's greatest mysteries.

Big Foot!

Big Foot was there, in the Hydrpool, bubbling away, his fur all soggy and splaying out somewhat as the water foamed around him. Next to him was a naked pudgy man with his nose underlined. Or, as some may prefer to call it, 'a moustache'.

Opposite Big Foot and Pudgy were three teenage boys of about 15 or 16 years old. All gangly and hunched forwards, their hair cut to look like velcro. Gym Ninja was a bit concerned that should they hunch towards each other any more that their velcro hairstyles would lock together causing a Hydropool calamity!

HOW on EARTH was Gym Ninja supposed to don a bikini and step into that foamy selection of oddballs?  No, no no, this would NEVER do. What if Gym Ninja's Twins were hellbent on making a dash for freedom and not content in the failed Sports Bra Suicide mission, instead chose to burst forth in the Hydropool?   One of Big Foot's yeti hairs may slap itself onto Gym Nina's exposed flesh, and the commotion may cause all three of the Velcro Boys to curl so far forwards to see naked Ninja that they'd forever be in a headlock with each other? Not only that, but Gym Ninja could now see a woman  with what appeared to be a Mexican Wave ripple effect under her swimming costume now lowering herself into the water.  Really Gym Gods, is there any need for such a selection in one pool?

Gym Ninja instead decided to make do with her weight session, and despite a few clumsy yet now typical incidents, (such as walking into a barbell, slipping on an abandoned mat and  banging her head on a wayward cable attachment) left the gym without the Hydropool Experience....

Gym Ninja x