Saturday, 24 July 2010

Bits & Bobs

Can't think of what to name the blog post today so Gym Ninja has come up with a suitably vague meaningless one.  Perhaps don't hold out too much hope for a corker today eh?

So, after the last rant of a blog post aka 'who rattled Gym Ninja's cage' fired off at 2.30am, Gym Ninja is now more stable and has recognised that for every friend who lets you down, there is one who steps up to the mark & then some. Just as well eh?   Now, back to the gym.....

After the 'rant', Gym Ninja headed that day (admittedly only a few hours later) to the gym. Work off some of that annoyance really. Plus perhaps also to work off a jar of low fat peanut butter that 'may' have appeared in Gym Ninja's house, and within 12 hours left it, empty. That seems excessive no? Is it worse if Gym Ninja tells you that for 7 of those hours she was asleep too......? *burp*

As Gym Ninja walked towards the changing rooms a Personal Trainer was standing chatting to a tubby lady.

"I'm actually an iron lady myself !" Said the woman to the PT.

*cue peals of laughter from the Personal Trainer, his head thrown back like that cartoon head with the hinged jaw on that old toothbrush advert-you remember the one?*

Aww, there was no need for such an excessive guffaw now was there? That lady has feelings too. (Hmm, Gym Ninja is still a tad sensitive to things).

Gym Ninja started her gym session, warming up on the X Trainer. The gym was full to bursting with school kids. Older ones though, maybe 14-15 years old? All trying out the gym equipment, some in the aerobics studio doing circuits,  & some crowding around the PowerPlate machine nervously as a friend stood jiggling on it.  It was being taken to the gym as part of school PE lessons that actually sparked Gym Ninja's interest in it. Up until then she'd hated anything that encouraged her to sweat or move...... aww, maybe there is a fledgling Gym Ninja amongst the group of slightly p*ssed off looking teenagers?

Despite having no apparent trace of air con on, Gym Ninja found her cruising speed for running increased to 12kph. Not bad on 2 teaspoons of sleep and an audience of a billion teenagers eh?  The teen on the next treadmill kept peeking at Gym Ninja's speed dial, then looking at her own, getting all panicky and gripping the treadmill harder. Gym Ninja was just showing off really. Must be the peanut butter fuelling the run?  After all, peanuts are an ingredient in dynamite donchaknow.  now Gym Ninja will wait whilst all you dis-believers google that fact and then return, raising your eyebrows, nodding your head and muttering 'She's right you know, they are!'.......

After a dynamite start (do you see what GN did there?), the session went somewhat downhill. Gym Ninja  made the error of listening to the backlog of Scott Mills Daily Podcasts (off of Radio One as he would say) & if any of you heard the 'Unlucky Gary' stories then you'd appreciate why this was a mistake?  Gym Ninja suffered from a nasty case of 'Snigger Gurning' Now Snigger Gurning is rather embarrassing and usually is triggered by listening to something highly amusing on your iPod in a crowded area. You then have an uncontrollable urge to guffaw out loud yet you cannot, for fear of being one of those people that others cross the road to avoid. So you try and suppress it. The laugh cannot be surpressed though. It starts to burst through your cheeks. You tighten your lips and start to gurn as the laugh fills the cheek cavities and then spreads to the space between your gum and lips. When it gets here you are DOOMED! Full blown gurning, sometimes accompanied by squeaky grunt-based noises. Pfft!

Now it was a leg training session so Gym Ninja had to then sweat like a pig as she worked her lower body. All without air con and now, also adding to the 'drama', was a scent of cow fields filling the gym. Seriously, sort out the air con system as something REALLY isn't right!   After the leg workout, ab crucifixion and cool down, Gym Ninja staggered towards the spiral staircase. This was a short cut downstairs straight into the changing rooms and would remove the need for Gym Ninja to stagger down the main staircase, which due to the leg wobbliness, meant that she'd have to grab the metal handrail and suffer the compulsory electric shock. spiral staircases are NOT good at the best of times, yet after a leg session? It did not help matters either that GN managed to get her right foot wedged in between the gap near the narrow part of it. There is nothing quite so panicky as being jammed in a spiral staircase inside a gym that has reached a temperature of a billion degrees Fahrenheit and that is scented by cow sh&t.

Quelling her rising panic, Gym Ninja managed to release her foot and make it safety inside the changing rooms where she unloaded her locker, showered, and then put her handbag on the bench as she got changed.  Two OAPS came into the same part of the changing areas as Gym Ninja dressed, and sat down on the bench.


One of them was half sitting on Gym Ninja's handbag. Now what? The OAPs were deep in conversation about the husband of one of their daughters...

"He doesn't even load the dishwasher apparently.." Said the OAP hatching Gym Ninja's handbag...

Gym Ninja started to fret. She had a Maximuscle Promax Diet bar in her bag. What if the OAP was sitting on it? Her weight, combined with her body heat would start to mangle the bar. Would Gym Ninja really then want to eat a bottom-warmed Promax Diet bar????



The final humiliation of that particular session was the evil incarnate that is the body lotion bottle in a public place.  Now body lotion bottles behave 99% of the time when you are at home. The MOMENT you take them public, they misbehave. Gym Ninja suffered the orgasmic body lotion effect (where it erupts suddenly all over your boobs) and also the 'dodgy tummy effect' where it mimics a case of really bad wind.  Great. On the bright side though the body lotion dodgy noise soon shifted the OAP off Gym Ninja's handbag........

That's all for today. Gym Ninja is spoiling you. Now go about your business and be sure to pass on the peanut fact eh?

Gym Ninja x