Friday, 5 March 2010

Stiletto Rouletto & Spin Sin

Gym Ninja is at home tonight. Revising!


But after yesterdays Spin Session, GN was so whacked she gave herself the night off everything.  Body dead. Brain dead. 

So tonight she has fully recovered and can regale you with yesterdays trip to the gym.

Gym Ninja had, as per usual, spent the day cooped up in the Blandmobile driving to the far flung reaches of Clitheroe, & on route had the trauma that is, 'Stiletto Rouletto' (Made that up just then. Good eh?). For those who do not know what this is (i.e. men), allow GN to briefly describe it.

As a woman it is the law to drive in perilously high impractical shoes. When you get your Highway Code, there is a secret additional chapter for women drivers than men do not see.  It has info on how to apply make up in the rear view mirror. How to paint fingernails in traffic jams.  Where best to stash a bottle of perfume in the car. The shoes are in the basic uniform section, along with the rules about wearing a skirt or dress that rides up so only truckers who drive past can look down in and see... ;-) 

Now certain stilettos that Gym Ninja wears have a heel so slim and spiky that they snag in the grooves of the footwell near the peddles. This can result in hot/cold moments of panic when you remove the foot from the accelerator to brake......only to find your shoe is nailed to the floor and will not move!  Yesterday Gym Ninja found that her existing shoes were the trouble-making sort, so half way on route stopped and switched to shoes with a less lethal heel. Still mega high, but less of a 'kick you and you die' type spike of a heel. 

But no! These were also being rascals and trying to kill Gym Ninja. So, when she reached the gym, she checked the shoes...and then noticed it!

A dirty great big hole in the footwell.

Yep. Gym Ninja had drilled a hole in the floor of the car so that now ALL heels would catch in the indentation. OOOPS! Time for floormats....shhhh.....don't tell the boss........

So..with the floormats in place, Gym Ninja tottered into the gym. The Spin Class that the new fab instructor was taking started at 7pm. usually GN is walking out of the door at that time. Also, GN was tired. MEGA tired. That meant no mega cardio prior to Spin.

Squeezing into her lycra leggings and top, Gym Ninja grabbed her towel and headed to the warm up area. Warming up in the womens section with the Sweat Box atmosphere (FIX THE AIRCON FFS) was rapid! Now, ABS.....

GN got a mat and a Swiss Ball and stuffed herself in the far corner of the gym, away from the free weights.  Cotton Wool Haired Woman was in and she's as clumsy looking as anyone so there was No way GN wanted her brains smashed in with a dropped Dumbbell training over THERE! 

The ab attack began! Swiss Ball Crunches. Then Side Crunch humiliation moves with the Swiss Ball..aka tired Gym Ninja found herself unable to maintain correct balance and kept dolloping herself onto the mat as she fell off the ball. AHHHR! Wake up Gym Ninja! There's mega work to do soon. Some hanging leg raises for the lower abs followed. Then Gym Ninja got all shy as everyone was looking at her. Don't look at Gym Ninja! Look at Cowlashes. Yep, the girl with the fake eyelashes was in again. 

Over to the Reversable Cross Trainers went Gym Ninja to bang out 20 minutes to hopefully inspire her body into life. Now there is a bank of about 15 or so of these all lined up in a row. Gym Ninja went to the far end and positioned herself on the very last one.  The nearest person was 9 CrossTrainers down.  Good. Now GN can watch Top Gear as she sweats...
Sweat, sweat, sweat...
Oh great!

Someone had stuffed themselves on the VERY NEXT Cross Trainer to Gym Ninja. 
There are LOADS free.
Move down.
Nothing to see up here!

20 minutes later and was Gym Ninja's body all raring to go?
Oh bugger!

Gym Ninja headed to the Spin Studio. Gn knew she needed the push and knew she loves the class but tonight? Really? Hmmm.

Gym Ninja chose a different bike. Change of scene you see. New day that she is attending the class. Technically Gym Ninja is the 'new girl' tonight that everyone stares at because she sat on their  bike (not whilst THEY are on it by the way!). The Instructor walked in, with the evil glint in her eye. Then Gym Ninja realised her body was committing suicide. She'd plonked herself directly in the line of vision of the Instructor.
Uh oh! 
BIG trouble ahead.

And so the class began...high paced from the start...

"The warm up is the hardest part" Lied the Instructor.
Gym Ninja clung to this statement. For dear life. her legs refused to pedal fast. No, her legs wanted to be big lazy lumps of sausage meat for all the use they were that night! 
Warm up over and Gym Ninja wanted to fall off the bike and leave the room. But no!
The Instructor was busy segmenting the room up into rows, so that they could all do standing sprints in Mexican Wave fashion, row by row. 
Oh goodie. 
Standing sprints. 
Just what Gym Ninja wanted when she'd forgotten to bring her legs and instead had stuffed sausages to work with! Damn you stuffed sausages and your lack of enthusiasm. SPIN Goddamit!

Nope. No matter how much effort GymNinja put in, and how tired she felt, she deep down knew that her workout wasn't as intense as usual. The CLASS was. The class was amazing! But Gym Ninja just didn't have it in her to go all guns blazing (or all sausages blazing in this case) that night.

But GN didn't just roll over and die. She died fighting! When the Instructor walked around and turned UP Gym Ninja's pedal resistance, Gym Ninja met the challenge. Maybe with a few choice words, but she didn't give in! Gym Ninja kept up all the way through.
Well, you have to do don't you?  You cannot commit Spin Sin and stop pedalling! That's terrible if you do that! Your body SHOULD do what your mind tells it to. Gym Ninja's just didn't do it to the level normally provided. 

So, after a magnificantly challenging spin session, Gym Ninja crept past the Instructor at the door, who bellowed "See you Saturday yep?"
"Yep!" Bleated Gym Ninja... then promptly toppled down the spiral staircase to the changing rooms, mainlined a Maximuscle Strawberry Promax shake into her body, and headed home....

Ah yes.....

The parcel arrived today. The parcel from yesterdays Ninja Commercial! Well, not that exact offer, but the other stuff that lead to the ramble on the supplements...
Nom Nom Nom....        See how the stuff EVEN matches Gym Ninja's decor! 

A tub of Maximuscle Choc Mint promax, a tub of strawberry promax,  12 cartons of chocolate Maxi-Milk (a slower releasing protein, ideal before bed or if you're on the go and cannot eat for a while), and 12 Promax Crisp bars..
Supplement porn!             
On that note, GN will leave you all to slobber over her photo of her stash. Now go order your own stuff, greedy Ninjarettes ;-)

Gym Ninja xx