Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Why hello.

Only just realised I'm back eh? Never mind, you've only missed 2 blogs so far. Don't make a habit of it!

Despite having scheduled in a trip to the gym Monday evening, Gym Ninja was unable to complete her mission.  Not through her own choice. No. She'd been looking forward to a hardcore cardio and upper body workout. It was totally against her will!
She had been sabotaged!
Pounced upon.

OK.....so it was less of an 'attack' and more in effect an empty (yet still fairly hefty) suitcase that fell off the top of the wardrobe, hitting Gym Ninja bang on the head as she rifled through her stash of knee boots, but it was a painful attack all the same. It left her with a dull ache in the skull and a feeling of queasiness for the rest of the day. Gym Ninja could not possibly risk a run on the treadmill for fear she may fall off like a fool, or vomit as she ran. Or even worse, vomit, then fall off into the vomit.

To make matters worse, she had sloped off mid-afternoon to Argos, purveyors of all things bulk-bought, in order to beat the crowds and cross off one of many many items on her Christmas Gift list, only to have her cover blown when a complete stranger to her lunged towards her ear and hissed.......

"See you at the gym later!"

Gym Ninja has NEVER seen this man before. NEVER! How on earth does he recognise GN without her stretchy clingy covering of black lycra? So now he will think that she is not at the gym due to his unmasking of her? Grrr!

Despite the queasiness, Gym Ninja could not possibly allow herself the day off completely from exercise. Cardio may have been out of the question, but weight training was not. So once back at the Ninja Lair, she dug out her spinlock dumbbells set and set to work, honing her upper body with 4 sets of 8 reps per exercise, and 2 exercises per muscle group. Not even mild concussion would stop Gym Ninja in her training regime.....slow her down maybe, but stop her? Never!

By the time today dawned, GN was raring to go! Clothed head to foot in brown, Gym Ninja became 'Chocolate Ninja' for the day....or, as it was kindly pointed out to her later on,  'Poo Ninja' according to her 8 year old nephew! She set about her daily escapades, hunting down an elusive client in the freezing cold, despite wearing her huge chocolate brown faux sheepskin coat. Damned low body fat. Gym Ninja would make a naff Eskimo. But by the time 5pm came, GN was off like a shot to the Gym, ready to warm herself up with some intense cardio & leg work....

Poo Ninja quickly became Blue Ninja in her workout gear. Not just down to the colour of the fabric though. No. Learn from your wise owl ladies. Do not leave your gym bag in the car overnight. Not when sub zero temperatures are expected. Frozen sports bras do not make for a comfortable experience. They make for an attention-seeking experience as you walk across the gym floor, but not a comfortable one!

Warming up, Gym Ninja selected a treadmill nearest to the exit. Just in case. Once the warm up was done, the speed was cranked up and she was off, galloping (kind of) at a 10.5kph pace. But wait. GN was struggling. Something was attacking her, and this time it was not a suitcase. This time it was something more sinister. Yep.   The over-tightened heart rate monitor chest strap!
Boa constrictor type restriction in the ribcage area results in the ribcage being unable to expand fully as the lungs attempt to expand. Think 'gradual sense of crushing' as you run, and you will realise just how uncomfortable this was to GN. In hindsight, to be fair, considering Gym Ninja was wearing an iced sports bra it may have been a blessing in disguise that she could not expand her chest to it's full capacity, for fear of having someone's eye out?  Trying to distract herself, she looked around the gym as she ran.


How? How can this be? Gym Ninja has not been to the gym since Friday. Friday it was there. Now it is gone. Who moved it?
The entire cafe area has gone! Ping!! Vanished in a puff of smoke.  Just a carcass of a bar area and empty floor. Oh, and a small Windows XP-made sign advertising a bland replacement cafe 'coming soon'. 'Cafe Blah' I think it was called, the name was that unmemorable. Coming soon? Really? Not in this gym! Nothing ever comes soon in this gym. Wait. Cancel that last statement. Having listened to some of the gossip in the ladies changing rooms, Gym Ninja hears that there are some things in the gym that come soon.... ;-)

A leg workout followed the cardio. Cannot risk another short-notice hotpant-necessitating boxing ring job, so it was all systems go for Gym/Chocolate/Poo/Blue Ninja!!!!! Barbell squats, superset with barbell deadlifts. Bench dumbbell step ups with glute kickback. Romanian Deadlifts. Leg press...Gym Ninja would not stop until her little ninja legs were all wibbly wobbly, like a baby giraffes. And so it came to pass.........

Having staggered down the stairs to the changing rooms, Gym Ninja refuelled on some Maximuscle Promax, (in chocolate of course, to match her outfit). No point training her legs so hard if she wasn't allowing her body to repair and recover from such an intense workout, & the Promax would allow her to do just that. Magical chocolately stuff it is! After a quick change, Gym Ninja then staggered out of the gym, banging straight into a poor unsuspecting twig of a boy lurking by the  entrance, nearly knocking him flying with her over-stuffed gym bag. Ooops!

Before Gym Ninja departs into the night, she leaves you with this proverb...

"Man who walk through Airport Turnstile sideways always going to Bangkok."

Gym Ninja xx