Friday, 14 May 2010

Bionic Army

Gym Ninja survived!!!!!!!!!!!

Gym Ninja survived the humiliating experience of the Job Centre! YAY!

Today started off OK..... There was plenty of time to organise the herruge list of paperwork requested by the Job Centre people to take to the Job Centre appointment at 10.40am (eg bank details, passport, mortgage info, job letter, brass rubbing done of a local Roman coin in wax crayon, Faux Treasure Map dipped in cold tea for an authentic aged look...).  SO Gym Ninja was sat at the computer, faffing with emails, removing the chipped nail polish ready to repaint, when there was a knock at the door.

*Gym Ninja Opens Door*

"Hello..." Says a young man, his face trying not to register surprise at GN's fluffy hot pink dressing gown.

Uh oh!

Jehovah Witness Alert!

Now GN has no problem with another person's faith, but what she DOES Have a problem with is when they come a-knocking and try to convert Gym Ninja from her faith. Thus followed a...

"Hello, you're a Jehovah wanting to convert me from my faith to yours aren't you? Asked Gym Ninja.
"Yet I myself am a very religious person and have a strong faith of my own, so as I would in no way DREAM of trying to convert you to Christianity, I would imagine you also have the same level of respect for my faith eh?"

To be fair, he had nowhere to go logically, so nodded and walked off. Gym Ninja closed the door and...



WHAAAAAAAT? How did that happen? GN isn't even dressed! She hasn't even painted her NAILS! EEEEK!

So GN made it to the Horrid Place by the skin of her teeth ... only to be kept waiting 15 minutes until an 'Advisor' would see her.

Thus followed an explanation of the recent events... or...  the 'Fondant Fancy' as the code now is. If you have no clue what The Fondant Fancy is, do GN a favour and go back and read yesterday's blog. It's a way that GN has of taking the panic out of the situation, ahem.

Gym Ninja  explained her recent events and then got to the bit about the Fondant Fancy and then paused, allowing the Advisor to react accordingly...


What IS it with these people? Fist the Dr doesn't bat an eyelid, then neither does the Advisor. Maybe being Fondant Fancied is commonplace nowadays? Turns out that the impending MRI scan and physio may make GN unable to claim Job Seekers Humiliation Allowance...grrr.

The GN was told to go and sit with the other people (!) on the dirty stained seats and await someone to call her name, thus advertising to all that she was now jobless and bleeding the State Dry. Nice. GN looked down at her hands and her nail polish-free nails. God, how her own standards have slipped already! NO nail polish *sob*

Eventually GN was seen by a woman who appeared to have immense difficulty using her computer, and spent ages patronising GN about how best to seek work. When GN told her that she wanted to work in Fitness in the local area, the woman frowned..

"I think you may need to broaden to a wider area as there isn't much call for fitness here". She said, a stern look in her eye.

Gym Ninja refrained from rolling her own eyes. Look AROUND lady. The streets are littered with people who can benefit from fitness and have a need to be nudged in the right direction. Fitness isn't the sole property of uber fit folk who gallop everywhere in Adidas 3-stripe retro tracksuits, chewing on a celery stick. There is a very simple check-list to see if you qualify for fitness advice and guidance...

1.  Do you have a body?

If you answered YES To this question then congratulations! You fit the bill!

Gym Ninja asked about start-up help to form her own business. The Lady appeared puzzled...walked off and came back with a leaflet. The local Business centre that GN had already approached. Obviously the Government don't offer anything additional.  The Lady also thrust a load of leaflets at GN.

"These are to give to prospective employers" She explained.

"They offer you as a 'free trial' allowing the employer to let you work for them for free to see what you are like".

Gym Ninja raised an eyebrow. Oh gee thanks! Pimp GN out why doncha! She then finished up with a warning about missing the fortnightly grilling that GN MUST attend or her 24p a week allowance to live off will be cut! Well, heaven forbid!!!!!

So now GN is formulating a 'Plan' to work out what she can do to drum up as many clients as possible as quickly as possible. Gym Ninja wants....



Gym Ninja is going to attempt to transform every person who comes to her for help and advice, into a Bionically fit, healthy & happy version of themselves. The Bionic Army!  Gym Ninja wants to be a non-Doctor type of a Doctor. A Personal Trainer who saves lives before the people are in the ill-health stage. The Bionic Army will also be able to wear cute Bionic Army Outfits if they so wish too....see below for a shocking example of such outfits..

THIS is the actual pair of 'hot pants' worn for the GI Jane themed photo that Gym Ninja did on Wednesday. The watch is for scale so you can see how skimpy they are. It DID seem like a good idea at the time...........the Jury is, however, still out until the photos come if you were thinking of joining the Bionic Army do be aware that foolhardy clothing choices may occur at some point!!!!!! Oh and before you start procrastinating and saying there is no way you'd be wearing such a foolhardy clothing choice as you'd not get one leg into a pair of hot pants, DO PLEASE RECALL the blog post a while back about 'Chunk'...aka Gym Ninja when she was a Fat Kid.

Think about it....if you don't like your hair colour you go and dye it. You change it.

If you hate your job, you blog about it, moan about it, Facebook status about it and then BAM, Fondant Fancied and you've in a roundabout way done something about it. You changed it.

Hell, if you hate what's on TV, you switch to another channel. You changed it!

Have you spotted the Sudoku style puzzle pattern yet?
Yep. Thought so. Gym Ninja SO knew Thickos didn't read her blog and that you are all bright!

So what are you all going to do today you little Bionic Army Recruits? You are going to CHANGE what you don't like.

If that is your eating habits and choices then change them.
If that is your body and the shape it is in, then change it.
If that is your low energy levels then change it.

Okey dokey, glad we sorted that out! No go spit on your boots, polish them up and paint your nails a shade that flatters camouflage as we'll be wearing a lot of it coz we will all look 'haaaaaawwwwt & schmokin!'

Gym Ninja x