Friday, 21 May 2010

Farmer Ninja


A bit of Wednesday AND Thursday thrown together in a combined blog today for you all.did you all get fed up of checking yesterday and it's now Friday? Sorry about that! Time ran away again.

So, Wednesday was a rest day from the gym. Lots was planned but it all went to pot when Gym Ninja's alarm failed to go off and she awoke 2 hours later than planned! Not even the Ninja cats had bothered to do their usual trick of trampling across the pillows in a casual yet planned 'wake up NOW as I trample your head' shortcut....which meant that GN was behind from the offset! A quick breakfast of 2 scoops of Strawberry Promax Diet with iced water and frozen berries to thicken it up and then plonk in front of the mac computer. GN was as busy as ever.

Firstly the obligatory job trawl through the internet job sites.  Pah. Nothing much to report! Then it was a quick peek at Saturday's agenda for the planned meet up with JAG and TARA. Gym Ninja is meeting up with them both for the first time in person at the BodyPower Expo at the Birmingham NEC.  LOTS of supplement companies will be there (always happy to road test a few protein bars and shakes)and GN is hoping to get a photo of herself with Jay Cutler, Mr Olympia who is the size of an elephant! Isn't he big for his age eh??? Plus, as EVERy woman knows, if you stand next to a huge guy then you look dinky in comparison.

Later that day it was time for Gym Ninja to morph into being Farmer Ninja. The vegetable seeds wouldn't grow in the packets 'apparently' so it was time for GN to grab the garden tool thingies that had been rusting in her shed and have a jolly good fork!!!!!! Not as much fun as it sounds...and bloody hard work actually.

Admittedly maybe digging a vegetable patch in the middle of a piece of lawn isn't correct 'form' but to be fair it's not something GN had thought through. Her skills lie in fitness and other things...but once the turf had been removed the whole thing got easier.

Farmer Ninja stopped for a breather...looking down at the vegetable patch freshly dug.


Subconsciously dug in the shape of........well take a look and see what you think? does kind of look like a shallow grave doesn't it? 

It also appears to be the exact dimensions of Muppet, Gym Ninja's former boss...
So strange what the subconscious does.... ;-)

By now GN had got bored of being a Farmer and decided to take an incoming call from Stumps. Now Stumps had been ringing a fair few times as she was on a mission to locate on of the 'selling them off cheap' bargain tubs of Mini Promax Diet that Gym Ninja had bought for £10.99 at Superdrug. Stumps was getting a tad annoyed that she'd not had any luck having trawled all of the Superdrug stores in a 30 mile radius...

"I'm being a Farmer so I can't talk for long" Said Farmer Ninja to Stumps. 

However it turned out to be rather a useful chat, as Stumps is married to a gardener type of farmer person and quickly put him on the line when Farmer Ninja started to talk random stuff about not now knowing what to do in terms of adding and digging in fertilizer/plant food/top soil etc..

" Stumps tells me you're digging a vegetable patch and want to know what to do in terms of the  stuff you have?" Said Mr Stumps

"Yup. I have fertilizer, organic plant food..I don't know what to do next? When do I chuck the seeds in?"  Enquired Farmer Ninja.

"What type of fertilizer do you have?" Questioned Mr Stumps.


"'s in a bag. I'm not sure in fact if it IS fertilizer? It's like a bag of soil I got from the supermarket.." Farmer Ninja petered out, now realising that perhaps fertilizer is specific terminology and what maybe she meant to say was 'bag of soil'?

"OK, so what kind of plant food is it?" Continued Mr Stumps, trying not to sound exasperated.

What KIND?

" in a bag? Sprinkly stuff you chuck on the soil."  Described Farmer Ninja.

It would be fair to say that Mr Stumps is a very tolerant man. He gave Farmer Ninja some wise advice on her shallow grave and so far all Farmer Ninja can recall is that she is NOT to plant the carrot seeds near everything else as there is something called 'Carrot Fly' that will come in and scoff everything.(Farmer Ninja would imagine that Carrot Fly are orange with green tufty hats...?) So it turns out that carrots are fairly anti-social in terms of vegetable patches. Like the ASBO veggies of the patch. Who knew?

By now Farmer Ninja had reverted back to Gym Ninja and just lobbed the packets of seeds at the ground, covered them over and covered them with a Cloche which is garden-talk for a clear plastic vegetable 'play tunnel'.  That'd keep the NInja cats away as they'd ben circling the area since Farmer Ninja started digging, their eyes lit up ready to use the gigantic purpose dug cat litter tray.......................


Gym time!

After another busy yet apparently fruitless day of job hunting, Gym Ninja was ready to hit the gym. Train the 'wheels' as they say in the body building world (Gym Ninja is learning the lingo for the weekend so she can communicate with the Meatheads you see). 
Hmm, are wheels legs? Or are they arms? No wait! Arms are 'guns' in 'Sun's out Guns out' phrase to describe how muscly men always don their vest tops when it's sunny to showcase their huge arms...mmm. 
Actually, what ARE The other names for muscle parts? AHHHR! GN needs to learn this and fast.

But back to yesterday's session. 'Twas a leg day! Gym Ninja did her usual back to front 'it suits me so butt out' style of training (cardio before weights) and spent 20 minutes on the treadmill doing some HIIT in the form of interval runs up inclines. AT one point GN found herself running up a 13% gradient! That'll warm up the legs!

To the left of Gym Ninja's treadmill was a large advertising space that is rented out by the Gym. Today the advertising board was covered in an advert for Oven Chips.

in a gym? 

After the run, it was LEG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Incline Hammer Strength leg press, one legged dumbbell deadlifts, spilt squats, Romanian deadlifts (stiff-legged to you!)....4-6 sets of 10 today for some unknown reason. Yeh, sometimes the plan is that there IS no plan!  Every time GN had to go swap her weights she had to run the gauntlet of Beach Towel Woman. The woman who picks a central spot in the gym  floor and whacks down her stripy beach towel to do ab work..although you never actually SEE her do any ab work She merely lies there....maybe catching a few rays from the overhead strip lights, like some sort of trip hazard?

Gym Ninja also ensured her legs were slaughtered by throwing in some skipping intervals between sets, which also doubles as a fantastic anti-social 'don't stand near to me or I shall whip you with the skipping rope' kind of a mechanism. 

That evening, Gym Ninja was relaxing when the room went a huge shadow had been cast across it...what on EARTH?????



A spider the size of Jay Cutler Mr Olympia was galloping at speed across the zebra print rug and under the sofa. There is NO WAY that spider would be able to fold itself down to fit under the sofa and yet it did! Freaky hydraulic spidery legs! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Gym Ninja hates spiders ever since her Year 2 Primary School teacher picked one off her jumper at school. Gym Ninja doesn't like spiders OR jumpers now...

So all evening GN sat by, wondering when Giant SPider would emerge. GN even moved the sofa....and NO! Nothing! Where the f*ck had Giant Spider gone?

An hour later, GN spotted it! A the OTHER SIDE of the room. PLEASE let it be the same one and not it's Twin?  Armed with an old copy of NOW magaxine, GN edged towards the monster and slammed down the magazine and stamped on it. DEAD!

WHAT did you expect? A glass and a piece of cardboard? Gym Ninja is not a hostess offering a glass to animals that size, and anyway there were NO glasses in GN's home that would have covered the Giant Spider anyhow!  Oh what? Don't believe GN? Really? OK....take  a look yourself...

See? Look at it's hydraulic legs all ready to rip Gym Ninja's throat out as she sleeps. 

So...what did GN do with the carcass of the spider? Well......remember the vegetable shallow grave.....? ;-)

Toodle pip

Gym Ninja x