Wednesday, 19 May 2010

The Nasty Place

Welcome back Ninjarettes!

Allow Gym Ninja to regale you with yesterdays ordeal of the Nasty Place (aka the Job Centre). If ever there is a warning to people to stay employed then it is this blog post......

Gym Ninja isn't sure if any of her readers frequent or have frequented the Nasty Place? Gym Ninja had to last year when she was made redundant with only a week's notice. Yep-Gym Ninja isn't so lucky with the old job malarkey!  Anyhow, due to the sudden Fondant Fancy incident last week (OMG has it only been a week since GN was fired?),  Gym Ninja's first 'Signing On' day was Tuesday (yesterday). This is, despite the fact that the Nasty Place have yet to process her application nor decide whether she can claim. But hell, let's ask Gym Ninja to come in and feel degraded anyhow eh?

Gym Ninja had been busy in the morning sending off her CV to some places, and finishing off some research for future 'fitness ventures'. It sounds terribly exciting doesn't it? 'Fitness ventures'...hmm......anyway, that and fielding some barbed comments/nice comments/plain nasty comments/gushingly positive comments about her photos again. So, just after lunch GN popped to visit her 2 year old Niece before having to report for Humiliation at The Nasty Place. Gym Ninja's  niece was busy playing with a box set of 10 mini Nails Inc nail polishes that Gym Ninja had left at the house. By playing GN meant her niece was lining them up, and assigning various coloured polishes to people in the family. Gym Ninja was apparently the purply violet nail polish (on the far right of the photo in the link) in case you were wondering.......?

"Have you got a job yet?" Asked the Ninja Niece.

"Er, no not yet Dumpling" Answered Gym Ninja.

"Didn't you ask the zoo if you could look after the baby elephants?" Enquired Ninja Niece.

"No.." Said Gym Ninja, feeling a bit bad for not doing what her 2 year old niece had suggested..... Funny how everyone wants to help you find a job eh? Gym Ninja made a mental note to enquire about elephant jobs at the Nasty Place later...

The Nasty Place.

T'was 3pm when Gym Ninja scurried through the doors of the Nasty Place, her eyes darting around to ensure nobody who knew her had seen her come into such an icky place.

"You were here the other day weren't you?" Boomed the Security Guy on the door.

Yeh..a 'Security guy'. Rough as Fooook here!

"Head upstairs and sign on!"

Great. Keep the noise down why doncha? There must be a road 5 miles away that didn't hear you announce Gym Ninja's arrival...pah!

Gym Ninja sloped upstairs and was told to take a seat. GN looked at the gaggle of stained seats filled to capacity with scallied up chavs and decided to sit far far away near the exit on a chair. Pah!

5 minutes later and Gym Ninja heard her name being shouted out.
STOP letting everyone know Gym Ninja is here! FFS!

Gym NInja stood up and headed to the desks to locate the person who had summonsed her....


T'was only the one decent person who worked at the Nasty Place that GN remembered from last time. An older guy. Used to be a Lawyer and who always seemed as traumatised as GN was to be in the Nasty Place even though he worked there!

"Ahh, I remember you!" Said Gym Ninja as she approached the desk.

Lawyer (as we shall call him seeing as he used to be one) looked somewhat concerned.

"Oh, I don't like the sound of that! Is that good or bad?" He answered, smiling,

So  thus followed a very 'untraumatising' signing on session to be fair. Gym Ninja explained to the Lawyer what had happened to her regarding losing her job..

"Ah yes" He said nodding his head wisely.."You see because you'd asked to see an Occupational Therapist about your car and driving pain, they'd probably decided you would cost them in sick pay so they fired you before it happened!"

'I'll try and make this as painless as possible for you" He said.

Awww, see? What a NICE man!

He then regaled GN with his own story. He'd been a hot-shot lawyer with 2 houses, fast cars, a girlfriend younger than him (hmm, perhaps only other men are impressed by this??) etc etc, and then within 3 weeks it had all gone as his business partner had stitched him up and syphoned all their money!

"Do you drink?" He asked.

Gym Ninja shook her head.

"Good. Best not to. Some people turn to drink in times like this....I did. I even lost my hair because of the shock of it all. Dark times.." He stared off into the middle distance.....

Once he saw Gym Ninja planned on fitness as her next move he perked up.

"Good! People these days are just SLOBS! They sit there in front of the TV eating and drinking and then wonder why they look the way they do!" He said, his eyes flicking towards a large man sat at the next desk.

Cor blimey! Who'd have thought GN would stumble upon a fitness fan here at the Nasty Place eh?

Turned out Lawyers son is a fitness freak. he works as a Stunt man in Hollywood (wow!) and was working as a stunt man on the Spiderman films. He's also a Free Runner and can do a backwards flip from standing without using his arms for momentum. He's also a Free Runner and can get half way up a wall without falling off it.

See? The Nasty Place CAN be interesting after all! Gym Ninja liked the sound of the son.....mmmmmm, 6 foot 2 you say?

So after the ordeal, GN headed to the gym for an Upper Body workout. Her mood had started to slip (despite the best efforts of Lawyer to cheer her up, GN was still in the predicament of having no job & it is a tad scary!).


Turn the AIRCON ON!

It must be about 3 years since the gym actually switched the Air Con on to such a level that it felt cold. At most, they have it so it just takes the edge of sweltering into 'stuffily uncomfortable' and it wasn't even at that level today. Grrr. NOT helping the cranky mood! Plus, GN had fastened her sports bra too tight & it was slowly crushing her chest (if that is indeed possible, which in fairness probably isn't...).
Gym Ninja headed to the A Frame to grab a set of 10kg dumbbells and as she did so, peered out of the window that overlooks the pool area.


Why does GN never learn? It is NEVER good to view people in the Hydropool aka giant jacuzzi aka 'germ swapping bath'. Gym Ninja looked down at the exact moment a large furry man (these hairy guys sure do love communal bathing don't they?) decided to spin around with a herrrruge smile on his face as the bubbles of the hydropool jets (at least that's what GN is HOPING they were caused by) gushed around him. The bubbles hid any clothing on him and made him appear naked, but for the mass of yeti body hair.

Bleurrh. Naked yeti in the hydropool! Time to finish off this workout and leave!!!!!!!

Be sure to tune in tomorrow folks, when Gym Ninja regales you with her Farmer Ninja story, plus maybe a few motivational fitness comments here and there!

Toodle pip!

Gym Ninja x